There is an entry i have been wanting to write but i have been hesitating...i am not sure why...maybe because what i want to write about is real ways that my behaviors are changing, sometimes involuntarily and not just for a given time frame..i know that Mastered is happy about it, as am i, but i am worried that others will...not so much judge me but that it will be something that turns people off. i don't know who most of the people who come here to read and to see are but i do know there are about 250 of you and i don't want to lose any ones interest. So sometimes i don't post things for that reason, not many things, but some. But i guess that is the heart of the matter-that is just a round about way of saying i feel shame and my quest, my mission is to be shameless, if behaviors that come naturally to me now cause people to feel disgust well i need to embrace that. As long as Mastered is happy then it doesn't matter. i feel more right than i ever have. Now! with all that mysterious set up what i talk about will probably be fairly anti climatic but.....maybe not.
uuuummmmmm where to start? Of course you know that quite a bit of my training revolves around piss control and that something in me really responds to that. i wonder if it is because i have always had animals and house breaking is such an central part of animal ownership? i mentioned before that i do know part of it is because i always had total privacy in this area and have been uber discreet about bathroom stuff so it is like my last bastion of privacy. But whatever the reason it effects me so deeply in terms of making me feel "less than" (which is a good thing) doesn't really matter, what matters is that it does. Okay, i think i am babbling to delay..
There are rules and tasks regarding my pissing behavior that you may know: on Wednesdays i wear my diaper all day and night and only piss when master orders me to, during the nights on diaper day Master doesn't control when i go- i just piss when i need to and overnight i sleep in a diaper-i don't go while i am asleep but first thing in the morning i piss in the diaper because that makes it exactly 24 hours of diaper wearing. I think i have mentioned i am to piss in my pig pen 5 times a week. And lastly i know i mentioned that every day a week ago i had to piss myself in my clothes (no diaper).
Now for the things you don't know: as a task recently i had to walk down a side walk (i was wearing a dress) pissing as i walk leaving a splattered trail of piss behind me. And here is the big one..the rule i haven't wanted to tell anyone..at home i am no longer allowed to use the toilet. I have a slop bucket that i piss into now. i still go into the bathroom but now i squat over my bucket to piss when i am at home.
When Mastered told me that that was how it was going to be for me from now on, i was shell shocked, BUT i cant lie, i was happy..i don't want to be treated like a person, i don't want the same consideration. i think it is absolutely appropriate that the toilet is forbidden for me. i have dreamed of a Master that would take me to this place and now i have him and i am right where i want to be, behaving as i want to be. There is a picture at the bottom of this entry of me and my slop bucket and i honestly LOVE looking at it, it has become my favorite picture, i find it to be so powerful and my desire to show it to people is probably what kept pushing me to write a journal explaining it. As far as literally pissing in public onto the sidewalk - that was the height of taboo and abandon to me. i mean imagine it!!! Hearing the splashes, feeling it run down my legs, seeing the puddle on the ground under me (that is an amazing visual to me) and all right out in the open where anyone could have seen and known!!!!!! Sadly that is as close as i will get to being led on a leash by Mastered into the yard to squat and piss in public like an animal. Oh how awesome that would be, these women who already hate me, looking down on me even more, having to put up with the looks of derision and superiority and having to know inside that this is what i wanted and asked for..mmmmm that thought sends tingles through me...oh well.
Now i have confessed all of my tasks and rules but there is more. So here is the second part of my confession. I think because subconsciously my brain is confused about when and where i am supposed to be going to the bathroom now it sends signals at the wrong times. For instance..last week after i had done my last time of pissing in my clothes and i was still in wet pants (yes pants dammit it-casual friday), i was doing the dishes and i actually caught myself about to just piss again standing right there. Like my brain just decided that when i feel like going i should just go and it sent the signal. I realized what i was about to do in time but it would have been the most natural thing in the world to just piss right where i was. This type of thing i am particularly susceptible to when i am already wet, i guess feeling the wet clothes triggers something in my head. Here is the worst part of my confession: A couple of weeks ago immediately following diaper day and night. i was sleeping and had one of those very realistic dreams where you are trying to figure out if you are awake or dreaming and i wet the bed. i remember the struggle of trying to figure out if i was awake or asleep, trying to figure out if i should go..i remember those thoughts clearly and, i believe, because i have been changing years (43) of training and patterns so drastically lately where i normal would have made the right call in this case i made the wrong call. i have never done that before so i can only ascribe that to what i am going to start calling my piss confusion.
It took me a little while to confess both of those things to Mastered. I also confessed that although i have no desire to take this behavior to the extreme i like that i have this high functioning brain, but lurking right there underneath it is a pig brain, waiting for me to get lazy and to take over. When i told Mastered all of this he was supportive in his very special way- "you have become what you wanted PIG! Like, I said before I just pulled it out of you, you dumb fucking PIG CUNT! Proud of you!". i like the feeling of being just a base animal, unable to control my own body without Mastereds help. Clearly it is not realistic to embrace this fully and i need to be on guard about slipping too far but the point i am at right now is perfect for me...walking the wire between total abandon and being realistic.
whew-okay-done- i agonized about sharing the wetting the bed thing but, again, what held me back? Shame. And even though Mastered does allow for some things to be between only us i want to smash my shame impulses, destroy that reaction, until i never feel it again, just acceptance that this is what i am on such a level that it doesn't even occur to me not to openly tell any detail about me or my behavior. But i do hope i didn't lose anyone along this particular part of my journey!!!
I have captured most of these moments on film, so here is my journey in pictures:
It is now the next day, i wrote the above last night and wanted to give myself time to review and make sure i was communicating what i wanted to, plus something was kind of bugging me. i felt like there was a step i had missed, that this wasn't quite comprehensive in terms of my descent. i felt like this story needed to be taken one last step and i know Mastered wouldn't order something like what i felt like it needed because it involves my job. So as a present, an offering of sorts to him, and a desire to be fully immersed and an active participant in my own degradation today at work, instead of using the restroom i found a nice little niche out by the dumpsters, and in a fashion appropriate for a pig that is where i pissed today....out by the smelly dirty trash.
