August 18, 2013

i am back, thank goodness, i missed creating these entries quite a bit.  But unfortunately it was one of the things that was contributing to me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Now that i have a bit of distance i can explain what was going thru my head when i stopped a little better. i was under a great amount of stress in my regular life and was feeling just utterly drained and frozen so every bit of energy and discipline i had was being used to maintain my activities with Mastered. i knew that wasn't what i should have been doing-so that caused me more stress, knowing that i should be using my energy to address regular life issues instead. Then it got so bad that even my activities with him got to be a chore, writing here was a chore. i felt like i couldn't breathe- i had my things i had to do during the day for Mastered and he would give me things to do at night plus i was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep the journal up and interesting and then the weekend tasks, all the while i knew i should be attending other things.  Honestly because i didn't feel that our relationship was of an emotional nature i tried not to let anything going on with me effect what we were doing until it got to a point where i couldn't do it at all . He kept pushing and i just kept doing, so he had no idea anything was up until i just had to stop cold.

i have, for quite a while, trusted Mastered implicitly to take me where i want to be in this lifestyle, physically and mentally.  i knew he cared for me but i thought of it as the way an employer wants happy, healthy employees-so that they can keep working. It did not occur to me that he may just care that i am happy and healthy without an ulterior motive. Because of that i didn't even give him the opportunity to work with me thru this tough time. But i am discovering there is a wide emotional range between being "colleagues" and being a "couple" that i can be open to exploring.  Perhaps we both were adhering too rigidly to the structure we had established for our relationship. i think we both have been great about being open minded and free on exploring the twists and turns my training has taken, allowing it to evolve and being able to accommodate the unexpected directions we take, but we didn't address that maybe the structure of how we related on a deeper level might need to evolve as well.

So there has been a small shift in my paradigm. Before i thought of this as a temporary situation, a month to month lease as it were. But if i think about it -this is probably the most perfect relationship with a man i could get.  During a conversation with Mastered he made a comment about something happening in the future and it made me think: why am i dismissing this relationship as temporary when it has already lasted longer than most relationships i have, when it makes me happier, contains less of the drama i so loathe? i am not a conventional woman so why not have a long term unconventional relationship? i am used to thinking that relationships just aren't for me, that they don't bring me the satisfaction that make them worth the effort. But look at the effort i devote to this already and i do it happily, eagerly. Sure if we were in person all the time i couldn't be this person BUT we aren't in person all the time. And even the long distance aspect works for me-it allows me certain freedoms and, frankly, i just have zero desire to have any one person around me all of the time, i am at heart a solitary person. So with this shift i am working towards being more emotionally accessible, letting go of the control of that area as well. This is a subtle shift so i doubt there is any difference in me that would be visible or any behaviors that i could point to and say "see that is new behavior" but it is an important realization for me.

One concrete difference you will see, in an effort, to maintain healthy balances is that before i felt badly if i only post here 1-2 times a week now i am only shooting for 1 to 2 times a week-i want what i put here to be a labor of love, not an obligation i churn out just to do it.


Alrighty, now on to the pervy stuff:

A week ago or so Mastered had me hump the toilet at work and i got video for him. This is short but for some reason i really like it. If you look close at the end you can tell i was excited.... i did the polite thing and when i was done, i licked the toilet clean.

Also one evening last week i was supposed to use my ruler to slap my cunt, i forget, for maybe 25 or 50 smacks but i forgot. i told Mastered the next day i had forgotten and asked if it would be alright if over the weekend i did 50 smacks 2 twice a day both sat and sunday. He agreed that would make up for my lapse. So he got 4 videos over the weekend, i am posting the first one. Enjoy!!

 

I also have added a white board that i enjoy calling my pig board to my bathroom wall. its hung so that i see it behind me in the mirror when ever i get ready. i put my litanies on it, goals and whatever keeps me reminded of my status.