June 30 2013
i have been wanting to take some naked yoga pics for the journal for awhile. i thought it might be appropriate because i have mentioned before-long ago- that sometimes the pain tasks take me to the same sort of clear mind place that yoga does. When you do yoga you focus on your breathing and it clears your mind, pain can do the same thing-quiet your internal dialogue. You would be surprised if you really think about it how rarely you are actually only thinking of one single thing or of nothing-even when you say your not thinking of anything you probably have at least 2 or 3 things in your mind. I also use some of the yoga breathing to get me through some of the pain occasionally. Today i did my 5k and even though that is about what i normally do on the treadmill when you are outside it is always tougher and this damn race ended on a mile of uphill (in 90 degree weather grrrr). So after i got home and got clean i thought i would do a little to loosen up and to finally take my pics. Anyone who knows yoga will know some of my positions are not perfect but i had to short cut to them to get the pics...and i added a non-standard accessory and i used my leash in place of the usually band. in my mind these were much prettier than they turned out but i am going to post them anyway. Hope you enjoy:
Task Pics
sometimes i have good luck getting approved and some times i don't. this time not so much but happily i have this journal so here are the task pics and video:
you can hear me gulping and struggling at the very very beginning of the video.
June 28 2013
i wanted to pop in for a quick update-this week i have been a little discombobulated with Mastereds return and some unusual work duties but there are a few tidbits i wanted to share.
When Mastered took back over on Monday he was on a mission to torment my tits. On Monday i had to wear my clamps all day. i actually substituted binder clips just because they fit better under my bra, i don't usually like to use makeshift items but in this case i swear these things were actually created for sex games and office supply places just took them over. I released them periodically to keep it safe but i am still sore from this treatment. Then on Tuesday and Thursday i wore my tack bra and he had me sqeeze my tits hard every hour on the hour. Today i only had to icyhot them. Here is a pic of Mondays treatment with my slut label.
I saved my favorite thing for last. Yesterday, which is oink day-meaning i cant speak to Mastered i can only oink when i need to say something, i got a slut label that was one of those electric bolts. I don't know why, this phrase is not really even particularly sexual...it is just an insult. But i responded instantly, or at least my cunt did. And all i could do is oink in frustration as i heard Mastered call me this as he came (what a great present that is-if i cant be there at least i get to hear his voice abuse me as he is cumming, i am getting excited just thinking about it-god i love that voice). I think he likes this name for me because he has been using it steadily since then and every time i hear it my cunt gushes...i don't know what is in me that responds to this:
When Mastered took back over on Monday he was on a mission to torment my tits. On Monday i had to wear my clamps all day. i actually substituted binder clips just because they fit better under my bra, i don't usually like to use makeshift items but in this case i swear these things were actually created for sex games and office supply places just took them over. I released them periodically to keep it safe but i am still sore from this treatment. Then on Tuesday and Thursday i wore my tack bra and he had me sqeeze my tits hard every hour on the hour. Today i only had to icyhot them. Here is a pic of Mondays treatment with my slut label.
I also had to do a surprise cunt inspection upon his return. i submitted these at SF but they haven't come up yet and i think they have been rejected even tho i did not get a response since they are not BDSM-y but i know Mastered wants them seen so i will post them here.
I saved my favorite thing for last. Yesterday, which is oink day-meaning i cant speak to Mastered i can only oink when i need to say something, i got a slut label that was one of those electric bolts. I don't know why, this phrase is not really even particularly sexual...it is just an insult. But i responded instantly, or at least my cunt did. And all i could do is oink in frustration as i heard Mastered call me this as he came (what a great present that is-if i cant be there at least i get to hear his voice abuse me as he is cumming, i am getting excited just thinking about it-god i love that voice). I think he likes this name for me because he has been using it steadily since then and every time i hear it my cunt gushes...i don't know what is in me that responds to this:
June 22, 2013
Today i had a gynecologist appointment. i thought i would share it, since Guest Master feels strongly about no privacy for slaves. i have mentioned before that i have medical "thing" but i never really brought it into real life mainly because it is virtually impossible to. But i thought that by sharing my regular exam i might be able to still get a vicarious thrill thru exposing yet another thing about me to anyone that reads this.
i approached this doctors appointment a little differently even from the way i scheduled it-the receptionist asked me if i had a preference for a male or female doctor. In a previous life i would not have gone out of my way to get a female doctor but if the choice was presented to me, as it was in this case, i would have asked for a female. BUT this time i said my preference was for a male, and going forward i will always be making that selection. Normally when you go to these apts you just say to yourself-eh they see tits cunts and assholes all day, they are professional no biggie. But this time i made sure to think that i was being examined by a MAN, not a doctor, but a man, a real PERSON..its a difference that is hard to explain. i think you normally just think of them as automatons doing a job to make it as impersonal as possible so i was trying to make it as personal as possible.
Also there are things that i think that all "polite" gyno patients do for a visit-of course be clean, bring clean white socks. There are things that i do that i am not sure are universal...i try not to have sex the night before so that my holes don't look sloppy. i do have to say that since i don't normal consider "pleasing" a doctor i don't stress too much about shaving perfectly-just make sure it is tidy down there. I handled these things differently this time as well. i made sure i was perfectly shaved since my cunt and asshole were going to be on display-again in an effort to depersonalize you don't normally really think of it as "on display". i also spent about 2 hours the night before stretching out my asshole. i fucked my giant dildo, then just watched some tv with it still in, then fucked it some more, then watched some tv..you get the idea. i wanted there to be no question when this professional looked at my holes what i do with my body. i was curious if he would ask about my sexual practices because of it.
So off i go to my apt yesterday morning-before doing so i checked and my asshole was still visibly open. After the obligatory hour wait i went to the room and put on the "gown",( crinkly paper-open down the front) and sat on the exam table to wait for the Dr. There is very rarely an opportunity to feel as vulnerable and exposed in public as when you are at the drs, sitting on the table-the stirrups right there and visible on either side of you-you know where you are going to be in minutes and you are naked except for the stupid "gown". Then this tall older doctor walks in ( i think i am developing a thing for older guys-funny since i used to skew much younger than me) and talks to me for a little. Then the exam begins. He has me lay back with both of my arms above my head and pushes the gown aside and starts to massage my left tit, pushing on it, feeling all over. Now if he is paying attention he will get his first clue about me because when you use tit clamps a lot as i did the week before Mastered left you get these (or at least i do) dark colored marks on each side of your nipple that stay on for a week or two so i am laying there with a strange MAN holding my tit, clearly viewing evidence that my body is meant for abuse. Then he moves to the other tits, likewise marked and i say something as close to inappropriate i as i ever will and tell him that he does the exam so well it almost feels good. This was not something i planned, at the time i just felt like saying it and didn't realize it was inappropriate until it was out of my mouth. i am guessing just a side effect of my lowered boundaries.
Then it was time for the pelvic exam. i scooted down and put my feet in the stirrups so that my holes were accessible. My exam starts with the doctor still standing beside me and pushing on my stomach, feeling for lymph nodes (or something) etc then he moved down to put his fingers inside of my cunt hole while pushing on my stomach. I felt his fingers go inside me-a tight fit- and wiggle around. Its a very slave feeling to have a mans fingers inside your holes and he doesn't even look down at you. After feeling around my cunt hole he slips his finger in my asshole, now this has to be his second indication that something was up with my body because i could tell it was easier for him to put his finger in my asshole than when he slid it in my cunt. He wiggles them in my asshole for a minute and then pulls out, still without looking at me or talking to me.
Then we move onto the internal exam. But before we do he walks away to get his instruments or something. This is always an uncomfortable time because i am just laying there legs up and spread but just left there and ignored-again a very slave feeling. But at long last he rolls his stool over and places himself in between my legs. This is another hard time during the exam because a man is truly looking directly at your most intimate areas, then they always pull the light over to get an even better look and you can feel the heat from the light right on your cunt. At this point you have no secrets, there is no where to hide or pretend that anything other than exactly what is happening is happening. When he initially rolls up i found my self clenching in an effort to keep my asshole closed, at the moment of truth i found myself embarrassed that i have a stretched open asshole but i made myself relax so that my body would be natural-i decided to be a pig for Mastered so that is what i look like now-so be it. i know just from the picture si have taken in different poses that in this position my asshole is probably open about 3/4 of an inch-not a normal look. I feel his fingers pull my cunt lips apart, opening me even more, i feel a finger or two inside of my cunthole again. His fingers now pulling my actual hole open for visual inspection. Then i hear, and all you ladies know it, "your going to feel some pressure". This means it is time for the speculum. i could feel the foreign object slide inside of me and open. This means that my hole is WIDE open now. Speculums lock open so that the Drs can use both hands for something else. i am laying there with an object protruding from me holding my hole open while the Dr grabs a swab to put deep in that hole. That is what all of this is about for those that don't know-to open you up so the doctor can visually inspect you inside but also so they can take a swab from deep in your cervix ( this is always painful for me).
Then the exam is over, he pulls out the speculum, sometimes if they have used a lot of lube you feel it dripping down your cunt to your asshole. There are always a couple of minutes again where you are still laying in the stirrups - open, sore and dripping while he talks to you..YES actually has a small convo with you while he is standing like a normal person and you are still laying there in the most undignified, exposed way possible.
There are aspects of even a normal gynecological apt that are dehumanizing and degrading. But i wish so hard that i could find a doctor that was into the whole BDSM thing-to have a real doctor in a real doctors office really treat me like a pig and not have to be polite and adhere to all of these rules about nurses and all that junk there to protect my dignity and make sure that nothing untoward happens. That is probably one of my deepest darkest fantasies.
But here is the sad part-the whole reason i started thinking i would journal about this is because i was going to try to take a picture while i was in the stirrups-again honoring GMs idea that nothing is private for a slave. i even brought my good camera with me (along with my white socks). After the doctor was done (i had additional procedures that were painful and left me a little shock-y) he told me to take as much time as i need before coming back to his office so i was like "whoo hoo i can def get my pics now". BUT just (and i swear this is true) as i was bending over to get my camera out of my purse the nurse WALKED RIGHT BACK IN WITHOUT KNOCKING to check on me-had it been minutes later she would have found me legs up taking a pic!!!!!! After that i lost my nerve for taking pics. But i hope you enjoy my description even lacking pictures-i know there are some that are into this stuff like i am so this is for you guys!
i approached this doctors appointment a little differently even from the way i scheduled it-the receptionist asked me if i had a preference for a male or female doctor. In a previous life i would not have gone out of my way to get a female doctor but if the choice was presented to me, as it was in this case, i would have asked for a female. BUT this time i said my preference was for a male, and going forward i will always be making that selection. Normally when you go to these apts you just say to yourself-eh they see tits cunts and assholes all day, they are professional no biggie. But this time i made sure to think that i was being examined by a MAN, not a doctor, but a man, a real PERSON..its a difference that is hard to explain. i think you normally just think of them as automatons doing a job to make it as impersonal as possible so i was trying to make it as personal as possible.
Also there are things that i think that all "polite" gyno patients do for a visit-of course be clean, bring clean white socks. There are things that i do that i am not sure are universal...i try not to have sex the night before so that my holes don't look sloppy. i do have to say that since i don't normal consider "pleasing" a doctor i don't stress too much about shaving perfectly-just make sure it is tidy down there. I handled these things differently this time as well. i made sure i was perfectly shaved since my cunt and asshole were going to be on display-again in an effort to depersonalize you don't normally really think of it as "on display". i also spent about 2 hours the night before stretching out my asshole. i fucked my giant dildo, then just watched some tv with it still in, then fucked it some more, then watched some tv..you get the idea. i wanted there to be no question when this professional looked at my holes what i do with my body. i was curious if he would ask about my sexual practices because of it.
So off i go to my apt yesterday morning-before doing so i checked and my asshole was still visibly open. After the obligatory hour wait i went to the room and put on the "gown",( crinkly paper-open down the front) and sat on the exam table to wait for the Dr. There is very rarely an opportunity to feel as vulnerable and exposed in public as when you are at the drs, sitting on the table-the stirrups right there and visible on either side of you-you know where you are going to be in minutes and you are naked except for the stupid "gown". Then this tall older doctor walks in ( i think i am developing a thing for older guys-funny since i used to skew much younger than me) and talks to me for a little. Then the exam begins. He has me lay back with both of my arms above my head and pushes the gown aside and starts to massage my left tit, pushing on it, feeling all over. Now if he is paying attention he will get his first clue about me because when you use tit clamps a lot as i did the week before Mastered left you get these (or at least i do) dark colored marks on each side of your nipple that stay on for a week or two so i am laying there with a strange MAN holding my tit, clearly viewing evidence that my body is meant for abuse. Then he moves to the other tits, likewise marked and i say something as close to inappropriate i as i ever will and tell him that he does the exam so well it almost feels good. This was not something i planned, at the time i just felt like saying it and didn't realize it was inappropriate until it was out of my mouth. i am guessing just a side effect of my lowered boundaries.
Then it was time for the pelvic exam. i scooted down and put my feet in the stirrups so that my holes were accessible. My exam starts with the doctor still standing beside me and pushing on my stomach, feeling for lymph nodes (or something) etc then he moved down to put his fingers inside of my cunt hole while pushing on my stomach. I felt his fingers go inside me-a tight fit- and wiggle around. Its a very slave feeling to have a mans fingers inside your holes and he doesn't even look down at you. After feeling around my cunt hole he slips his finger in my asshole, now this has to be his second indication that something was up with my body because i could tell it was easier for him to put his finger in my asshole than when he slid it in my cunt. He wiggles them in my asshole for a minute and then pulls out, still without looking at me or talking to me.
Then we move onto the internal exam. But before we do he walks away to get his instruments or something. This is always an uncomfortable time because i am just laying there legs up and spread but just left there and ignored-again a very slave feeling. But at long last he rolls his stool over and places himself in between my legs. This is another hard time during the exam because a man is truly looking directly at your most intimate areas, then they always pull the light over to get an even better look and you can feel the heat from the light right on your cunt. At this point you have no secrets, there is no where to hide or pretend that anything other than exactly what is happening is happening. When he initially rolls up i found my self clenching in an effort to keep my asshole closed, at the moment of truth i found myself embarrassed that i have a stretched open asshole but i made myself relax so that my body would be natural-i decided to be a pig for Mastered so that is what i look like now-so be it. i know just from the picture si have taken in different poses that in this position my asshole is probably open about 3/4 of an inch-not a normal look. I feel his fingers pull my cunt lips apart, opening me even more, i feel a finger or two inside of my cunthole again. His fingers now pulling my actual hole open for visual inspection. Then i hear, and all you ladies know it, "your going to feel some pressure". This means it is time for the speculum. i could feel the foreign object slide inside of me and open. This means that my hole is WIDE open now. Speculums lock open so that the Drs can use both hands for something else. i am laying there with an object protruding from me holding my hole open while the Dr grabs a swab to put deep in that hole. That is what all of this is about for those that don't know-to open you up so the doctor can visually inspect you inside but also so they can take a swab from deep in your cervix ( this is always painful for me).
Then the exam is over, he pulls out the speculum, sometimes if they have used a lot of lube you feel it dripping down your cunt to your asshole. There are always a couple of minutes again where you are still laying in the stirrups - open, sore and dripping while he talks to you..YES actually has a small convo with you while he is standing like a normal person and you are still laying there in the most undignified, exposed way possible.
There are aspects of even a normal gynecological apt that are dehumanizing and degrading. But i wish so hard that i could find a doctor that was into the whole BDSM thing-to have a real doctor in a real doctors office really treat me like a pig and not have to be polite and adhere to all of these rules about nurses and all that junk there to protect my dignity and make sure that nothing untoward happens. That is probably one of my deepest darkest fantasies.
But here is the sad part-the whole reason i started thinking i would journal about this is because i was going to try to take a picture while i was in the stirrups-again honoring GMs idea that nothing is private for a slave. i even brought my good camera with me (along with my white socks). After the doctor was done (i had additional procedures that were painful and left me a little shock-y) he told me to take as much time as i need before coming back to his office so i was like "whoo hoo i can def get my pics now". BUT just (and i swear this is true) as i was bending over to get my camera out of my purse the nurse WALKED RIGHT BACK IN WITHOUT KNOCKING to check on me-had it been minutes later she would have found me legs up taking a pic!!!!!! After that i lost my nerve for taking pics. But i hope you enjoy my description even lacking pictures-i know there are some that are into this stuff like i am so this is for you guys!
June 17 2013
So as promised- or teased - here is my pig slut adventure from this weekend:
I had a happy hour at my house on Friday, just 10-15 old friends hanging out on the deck nothing fancy. My best friend K brought one of his buddies named G along. In the spirit of full disclosure i will tell you that G and i had fucked before, several times in a vanilla fashion, very casually just when we ran into each other but that was, geez, about 5 years ago. Since then we have definitely seen each other but neither one of us was into it enough to make the effort. Starting out it seemed that would be the case on Friday too. Truth be told he gets on my nerves and is kind of loud and obnoxious, lol, at one point in the evening made him move away from me and go sit by the other loud guys so we could segregate them. But as the evening progressed i loosened up and my pig brain kicked in. i started thinking about the stuff Guest Boss and i had discussed, about what is more degrading: being a urinal or riming assholes. (to digress) i replied that to me the meaning of the name pig is that i will willingly and happily do those sex acts that even other sluts might find too disgusting...i am not now but i would love to be a pig that will happily- pig tail wagging stick my tongue in any asshole put in front of me, i also replied that i think being pissed ON, particularly in the face is more degrading than being a urinal..maybe because it is visible and messy..i don't know why i just know that it is. And i love that thought, though i was proud to be Mastereds urinal when we were together, i really really would have enjoyed leaving his hotel room with the smell of his piss on my skin and in my hair....god what a perfect shameful pig moment that would be..the walk of shame out of the hotel AND smelling like a piss whore. At any rate these are the things i had been thinking about for a couple of days. Now back to the action...i am not sure at what point i decided i would get G to use me but even when i figured i might as well since he was there i still was not really thinking he would do any of the previously mentioned acts. i pretty much just figured we would go up stairs and he would use my pighole and then leave and that would be about the size of it.
Since i knew him it wasn't so weird to explain he could only fuck my ass and why (i think you know i am not to shy about my situation with my friends). So we get to my room and again i strip immediately and put my ass up for use. BUT i had not guest-proofed my room and my giant dildo was right on my night stand..it is not exactly a small item, it tends to draw attention. And of course G commented on it..something like "Jesus Christ what is that??". Well i admit i got a little proud then and explained that it was what i used to stretch my ass so i could take pretty much any cock and i offered to show him. Shockingly he was eager to see so i knelt and placed it on the floor and started riding it- in pretty short order it was filling my ass and i was fully fucking it. G asked if he could fuck me with it so i moved from kneeling over it to being ass in the air with this giant dildo sticking out of me and he grabbed it and started fucking me with it. I think he was a very happy man. After a while of amusing himself that way he pulled it out, leaving my gaping hole open for him and he took full advantage - he fucked me until he came deep in my asshole.
As we were recovering i asked if he would do me a favor, which of course at that point he was happy to accommodate. i asked him if he would please piss on me, in my face before he left. Now this is a pretty vanilla guy-not judgemental, just regular old vanilla, alot of these things just don't occur to people as being really possible. i saw my request sink in and register and he did not look unhappy. Of course i gave the disclaimer: if it makes you uncomfortable yadda yadda yadda. But he was all for it!!! So much so in fact i started getting distracted by something and he kept pushing me to the shower. i got in the shower on my knees and i looked up at him as he handled his cock and before i knew what was happening i felt a blast of piss right on my face- i didn't try to get away, i didn't flinch- if anything i pushed my face forward to get more of it. Twice i opened my mouth and had it filled with piss and swallowed. It felt like it went on forever -this warm stream of piss getting in my hair, on my face running down my body that was already leaking cum from my used asshole. Oh it was perfect!!!! When he was finally done i took his cock in my mouth and cleaned him. He got dressed and left but before he did, i think i remembering him saying "you have unleashed a monster".
I was so happy at the pisswhore i was, that i just toweled off and left most of that piss drying on my body. i fell asleep dirty and covered with piss and oozing cum out of my pighole. Much much much more satisfying than my last adventure.
I had a happy hour at my house on Friday, just 10-15 old friends hanging out on the deck nothing fancy. My best friend K brought one of his buddies named G along. In the spirit of full disclosure i will tell you that G and i had fucked before, several times in a vanilla fashion, very casually just when we ran into each other but that was, geez, about 5 years ago. Since then we have definitely seen each other but neither one of us was into it enough to make the effort. Starting out it seemed that would be the case on Friday too. Truth be told he gets on my nerves and is kind of loud and obnoxious, lol, at one point in the evening made him move away from me and go sit by the other loud guys so we could segregate them. But as the evening progressed i loosened up and my pig brain kicked in. i started thinking about the stuff Guest Boss and i had discussed, about what is more degrading: being a urinal or riming assholes. (to digress) i replied that to me the meaning of the name pig is that i will willingly and happily do those sex acts that even other sluts might find too disgusting...i am not now but i would love to be a pig that will happily- pig tail wagging stick my tongue in any asshole put in front of me, i also replied that i think being pissed ON, particularly in the face is more degrading than being a urinal..maybe because it is visible and messy..i don't know why i just know that it is. And i love that thought, though i was proud to be Mastereds urinal when we were together, i really really would have enjoyed leaving his hotel room with the smell of his piss on my skin and in my hair....god what a perfect shameful pig moment that would be..the walk of shame out of the hotel AND smelling like a piss whore. At any rate these are the things i had been thinking about for a couple of days. Now back to the action...i am not sure at what point i decided i would get G to use me but even when i figured i might as well since he was there i still was not really thinking he would do any of the previously mentioned acts. i pretty much just figured we would go up stairs and he would use my pighole and then leave and that would be about the size of it.
Since i knew him it wasn't so weird to explain he could only fuck my ass and why (i think you know i am not to shy about my situation with my friends). So we get to my room and again i strip immediately and put my ass up for use. BUT i had not guest-proofed my room and my giant dildo was right on my night stand..it is not exactly a small item, it tends to draw attention. And of course G commented on it..something like "Jesus Christ what is that??". Well i admit i got a little proud then and explained that it was what i used to stretch my ass so i could take pretty much any cock and i offered to show him. Shockingly he was eager to see so i knelt and placed it on the floor and started riding it- in pretty short order it was filling my ass and i was fully fucking it. G asked if he could fuck me with it so i moved from kneeling over it to being ass in the air with this giant dildo sticking out of me and he grabbed it and started fucking me with it. I think he was a very happy man. After a while of amusing himself that way he pulled it out, leaving my gaping hole open for him and he took full advantage - he fucked me until he came deep in my asshole.
As we were recovering i asked if he would do me a favor, which of course at that point he was happy to accommodate. i asked him if he would please piss on me, in my face before he left. Now this is a pretty vanilla guy-not judgemental, just regular old vanilla, alot of these things just don't occur to people as being really possible. i saw my request sink in and register and he did not look unhappy. Of course i gave the disclaimer: if it makes you uncomfortable yadda yadda yadda. But he was all for it!!! So much so in fact i started getting distracted by something and he kept pushing me to the shower. i got in the shower on my knees and i looked up at him as he handled his cock and before i knew what was happening i felt a blast of piss right on my face- i didn't try to get away, i didn't flinch- if anything i pushed my face forward to get more of it. Twice i opened my mouth and had it filled with piss and swallowed. It felt like it went on forever -this warm stream of piss getting in my hair, on my face running down my body that was already leaking cum from my used asshole. Oh it was perfect!!!! When he was finally done i took his cock in my mouth and cleaned him. He got dressed and left but before he did, i think i remembering him saying "you have unleashed a monster".
I was so happy at the pisswhore i was, that i just toweled off and left most of that piss drying on my body. i fell asleep dirty and covered with piss and oozing cum out of my pighole. Much much much more satisfying than my last adventure.
June 16 2013
I am still here!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, i have been very busy in general and my Guest Boss has been keeping me busy as well. Everything is going well, in fact a conversation with him inspired me to request that the man that used me this weekend piss on me before he left....how is that for a teaser?? i will try to write more about it tomorrow.
Hang in there please, i will be back!!
Hang in there please, i will be back!!
June 7 2013 part 2
Well it looks like i went from not having too much to say to having an abundance of things i want to post. This one is short and sweet i just wanted to share a little shopping spree i went on today on my favorite place ever: Amazon!
First i got these, because i really really want to try them and hopefully they will become part of my weekly schedule:
Then i ordered this because the new egg i got was cheap and loud and since i wear it all day at work i need a better quality one and i have had good luck with Doc Johnson products:
First i got these, because i really really want to try them and hopefully they will become part of my weekly schedule:
Then i ordered this because the new egg i got was cheap and loud and since i wear it all day at work i need a better quality one and i have had good luck with Doc Johnson products:
But my favorite thing i ordered is a charm for my Pandora bracelet-that will always always remind me of Mastered and what i am:
In the spirit of full disclosure i also purchased the book World War Z, because i am desperate for the zombie apocalypse to start but i want to be ready for it so i have to do good research before hand.
June 7 2013
Yesterday Mastered wasn't able to work with me so he passed me off to my "Guest Master" (who will henceforth be known as "Guest Boss"). He tormented me very effectively throughout the day and kept me very focused on my role as cunt and pig-with a big focus on loss of privacy of thought which is probably one of the last bastions i have of "secrecy".(i think i will write more on that at a different time). This journal is about the last task he gave me for the day. He knew i would be going out last night so he ordered me to go braless to the bar and to icyhot my clit periodically throughout the night. WELL! that began a comedy of errors that i am still smiling about today.
First let me explain that it is not uncommon for me not to wear a bra. Until i turned 35 or so and picked up some weight i actually NEVER, and i mean never, wore a bra. So even though i do wear one now on a regular basis it is not really a natural or comfortable thing for me and the minute i get in the house i will take it off. If i am having company causally at the house i will not be wearing one and sometimes i just say fuck it and go out without one depending on my mood. When i do that, though, i generally am wearing something that doesn't make it blatantly obvious. But my bralessness is a common enough occurrence that my friends joke about how you can always tell how cold it is by looking at me.
So it wasn't a super big deal to go out without one last night but in the spirit of things i chose a light colored, thin, clingy t-shirt to make it very evident that i was braless. This is what i looked like before i even left the house.
First let me explain that it is not uncommon for me not to wear a bra. Until i turned 35 or so and picked up some weight i actually NEVER, and i mean never, wore a bra. So even though i do wear one now on a regular basis it is not really a natural or comfortable thing for me and the minute i get in the house i will take it off. If i am having company causally at the house i will not be wearing one and sometimes i just say fuck it and go out without one depending on my mood. When i do that, though, i generally am wearing something that doesn't make it blatantly obvious. But my bralessness is a common enough occurrence that my friends joke about how you can always tell how cold it is by looking at me.
So it wasn't a super big deal to go out without one last night but in the spirit of things i chose a light colored, thin, clingy t-shirt to make it very evident that i was braless. This is what i looked like before i even left the house.
Now i also wasn't really worried about this because my middle of the week bar is small and dead and poorly lit, there is usually just me and my friend and, like, 4 other people there. Plus, of course, we know the bartenders. So just to recap: clingy light t-shirt, meeting a friend at a dead poorly lit bar. What could go wrong??????????????????
SO! i walked into the bar and was stunned to see about 30 people crammed into it- since we normally go out on Wednesdays i had totally forgotten that thursday is TRIVIA NIGHT! Seriously? Yes, seriously the bar was packed. BUT i steeled myself and thought "i am sure not everyone is noticing my insanely hard nipples poking into the super thin fabric, they are busy playing trivia" and with that thought in mind i walked into the bar to try to find a seat. Fortuitously there were just 2 empty stools left at the bar and i grabbed them, sat myself down and got comfy. Once i was settled i noticed that in this poorly lit bar there were some bright lights..for instance the recessed light that was shining DIRECTLY DOWN ON ME!!! Yes -how you are picturing it is exactly how it was: i was essentially IN A SPOT LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am certain that because of the angle the light was not just illuminating me but was actually highlighting my tits specifically!! At this point i was pretty much stunned into acceptance. Okay, i thought, my tits are clearly going to be seen and noticed by every single person in the bar- this not only included the ogling dudes but also the judge-y chicks as well- i justtried to embrace it. Then just as i was getting to a level of comfort with the situation and was chatting with the bartender the trivia host came up to the bartender and - i swear swear swear this is true- said "I AM BURNING UP, CAN YOU TURN UP THE AC"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i almost fell out of my chair.
So again to recap: thin clingy tshirt, crowded bar, under spot light, AC cranking at 65. Yep that was my night. i am convinced there were forces conspiring against me!! With every added indignity it just got funnier and funnier. i ducked into the bathroom to take a pic of what i was dealing with:
SO! i walked into the bar and was stunned to see about 30 people crammed into it- since we normally go out on Wednesdays i had totally forgotten that thursday is TRIVIA NIGHT! Seriously? Yes, seriously the bar was packed. BUT i steeled myself and thought "i am sure not everyone is noticing my insanely hard nipples poking into the super thin fabric, they are busy playing trivia" and with that thought in mind i walked into the bar to try to find a seat. Fortuitously there were just 2 empty stools left at the bar and i grabbed them, sat myself down and got comfy. Once i was settled i noticed that in this poorly lit bar there were some bright lights..for instance the recessed light that was shining DIRECTLY DOWN ON ME!!! Yes -how you are picturing it is exactly how it was: i was essentially IN A SPOT LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am certain that because of the angle the light was not just illuminating me but was actually highlighting my tits specifically!! At this point i was pretty much stunned into acceptance. Okay, i thought, my tits are clearly going to be seen and noticed by every single person in the bar- this not only included the ogling dudes but also the judge-y chicks as well- i justtried to embrace it. Then just as i was getting to a level of comfort with the situation and was chatting with the bartender the trivia host came up to the bartender and - i swear swear swear this is true- said "I AM BURNING UP, CAN YOU TURN UP THE AC"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i almost fell out of my chair.
So again to recap: thin clingy tshirt, crowded bar, under spot light, AC cranking at 65. Yep that was my night. i am convinced there were forces conspiring against me!! With every added indignity it just got funnier and funnier. i ducked into the bathroom to take a pic of what i was dealing with:
But even though this task had become an absurd joke at my expense i did continue to stick with it and stay focused on looking and acting the way Guest Boss wanted me to: i specifically started talking to a table of guys there for trivia and made sure i did not cover up or disguise the fact that you could cut glass with my nipples. i am a pretty unselfconscious girl but i have to say that this was sooooooooo blatant it took a fair amount of will power to not cross my arms or hunch forward - but i didn't. And i think my efforts were appreciated- didn't pay for a drink all night, lol. And, no, i did not get used, so don't even ask-it was a school night people!
All in all i would have to say that the first, i guess, "official" order from Guest Boss probably was a huge success from his perspective.
June 5, 2013
i haven't been posting a lot of writing lately and i just realized its because i think i have to post something thoughtful or something i am struggling with or learned, something with some substance but since i seem to be settling into my place there is not that much going on in those areas so i was stumped about content. But then i thought, you know, this started with just a journal of what was going on in my day and there have been changes in that and some things that people might find entertaining.
The very very very first thing i do every day is roll over and check my email for Masters selection of my outfit - because the very very very last thing i do every night is send him 2 outfits to chose from. On weekends he doesn't do that but i still get a good morning email and it is literally the first thing i see everyday. i like the way Mastered has handled this from the start, he didn't give me some ridiculous or unrealistic dress code (other than i have to wear skirts or dresses mon-thurs) or tell me to buy anything specific so i still get to be myself, have my style, but his is always the final word on how i leave the house. It is a nice way to start the day and checking at night is a nice way to end the day. Over the course of the past 9 months i have missed the evening check in twice. Oddly those are not the nights that i go out (usually Wednesdays) but the nights i stay in and accidentally fall asleep early. The truly hysterical part about this and i might have mentioned this before is that i would (and still will) tell any man who expected me to "check in" to fuck off real quick! But you know when it comes to Mastered all my bets are off. lol. As far as clothing choices go i have always enjoyed dressing for my "man" but would not really ever ask his opinion, because that might lead him to believe it mattered, lol-oh how the might have fallen!!! But that being said i have always been and enjoy being very feminine in appearance.
So that is the first thing in the morning and probably not news to anyone who has been reading for awhile but there is another part of my morning now. Everyday is some kind of "day" now and some involve wardrobe. This hasn't officially been written into the rules but it has been in effect for 2 or three weeks now and Mastered seems to enjoy it. So here is my unofficial weekly schedule:
Mondays are "clean up pig day". This entails me going into the restroom after any woman i notice to lick the toilet. If i don't notice or don't see i go in every hour. i hate this day and i don't mean "oh i hate it but deep inside it turns me on". Nope, just hate it. And i have to say it is because i work with unattractive women for the most part. i know it sounds silly that it makes a difference but it does. Don't ask me why.
Tuesdays are "tack day". This entails wearing my tack bra and panties all day. i always start the day thinking this is going to be a huge pain in the ass (as it were) but after the initial adjustment period while i drive to work i wind up enjoying this day. Mastered will either give me a schedule or sometimes just pop up randomly to make me squeeze my tits and go press my cunt up against the edge of the sink to press the tacks in my tender parts even more. i always wind up humping the sink a little - that's a visual i love-so horny and debased i will hump anything. i don't know why but the word hump drives me crazy-i think because it just makes you think of animals, just a mindless act..something along those lines. i love it! But by the afternoon i am ready to rip my clothes off to get rid of the irritation. That's what it is, constant constant constant irritation broken up periodically by some sharp biting pain. But overall i like tack day-keeps me focused and aroused even while i am horribly uncomfortable.
Wednesdays are, as you know, "diaper day". Well covered territory.
Thursdays are a combo: "oink day" and "rope G-string day". i could live without the G-string, really doesn't do too much for me except break up the lines of my outfits. But sometimes if i string it just right it can be irritating and stimulating. Even with that though this is my FAVORITE day and i have talked about it a little in other blogs. For those that don't know on this day i am only allowed to speak with Mastered or anyone affiliated with this experience with one oink for no and two oinks for yes. This works on sooooooo many levels and i soooooooo recommend it to anyone else, even if you don't do the oinks just the restriction to yes or no is soooooooo clarifying. No "buts" or "ifs" or "well.." or "i think..". On one level you realize how little of what you say is really needed, on another level you are constantly feeling the restrictions placed on you. i think i have said it before but the loss of speech causes actually tension in your body that keeps you on edge constantly. And i would say on this day Mastered (and company) is/are downright gleeful, tormenting me, reveling in my limitations. I think knowing that i am squirming, wiggling with frustration and excitement (because this day above all other EXCITES me) makes him very happy. i could go on about this day but i am pretty sure i have covered it other places.
And lastly Friday is "vibrator day". This entails me wearing my egg vibrator buried in my cunt and on all day. This is my second favorite day, or maybe third...i don't know, lol. I find myself trying to grind into my chair, rocking back and forth, its all very wanton. But i do think that these eggs are not meant to run all day, last Friday my cunt killed my back up egg..so off to the store i go, lol.
i have been trying really hard to be financially responsible lately so i have not gotten the ben wa balls i told Mastered i would but once i do i am hoping "rope G-string day" will be replaced with "ben wa ball day".
So there you have my unofficial week schedule of torments and tests...but please don't think that this is everything because Mastered is a BIG fan of the icyhot treatments and will throw in an occasional clothes pin or make me go hug the toilet since "i love the toilet so much"...so yeah, he is by no means limited by my "days" activities. I will say this is nice because i know what is coming but i think if i had my way Wednesday would stay diaper day and the others would be rotated as a surprise to me....but he likes structure, so i like structure.
And just for old time sake, and because i laughed out loud when i got my slut label today:
The very very very first thing i do every day is roll over and check my email for Masters selection of my outfit - because the very very very last thing i do every night is send him 2 outfits to chose from. On weekends he doesn't do that but i still get a good morning email and it is literally the first thing i see everyday. i like the way Mastered has handled this from the start, he didn't give me some ridiculous or unrealistic dress code (other than i have to wear skirts or dresses mon-thurs) or tell me to buy anything specific so i still get to be myself, have my style, but his is always the final word on how i leave the house. It is a nice way to start the day and checking at night is a nice way to end the day. Over the course of the past 9 months i have missed the evening check in twice. Oddly those are not the nights that i go out (usually Wednesdays) but the nights i stay in and accidentally fall asleep early. The truly hysterical part about this and i might have mentioned this before is that i would (and still will) tell any man who expected me to "check in" to fuck off real quick! But you know when it comes to Mastered all my bets are off. lol. As far as clothing choices go i have always enjoyed dressing for my "man" but would not really ever ask his opinion, because that might lead him to believe it mattered, lol-oh how the might have fallen!!! But that being said i have always been and enjoy being very feminine in appearance.
So that is the first thing in the morning and probably not news to anyone who has been reading for awhile but there is another part of my morning now. Everyday is some kind of "day" now and some involve wardrobe. This hasn't officially been written into the rules but it has been in effect for 2 or three weeks now and Mastered seems to enjoy it. So here is my unofficial weekly schedule:
Mondays are "clean up pig day". This entails me going into the restroom after any woman i notice to lick the toilet. If i don't notice or don't see i go in every hour. i hate this day and i don't mean "oh i hate it but deep inside it turns me on". Nope, just hate it. And i have to say it is because i work with unattractive women for the most part. i know it sounds silly that it makes a difference but it does. Don't ask me why.
Tuesdays are "tack day". This entails wearing my tack bra and panties all day. i always start the day thinking this is going to be a huge pain in the ass (as it were) but after the initial adjustment period while i drive to work i wind up enjoying this day. Mastered will either give me a schedule or sometimes just pop up randomly to make me squeeze my tits and go press my cunt up against the edge of the sink to press the tacks in my tender parts even more. i always wind up humping the sink a little - that's a visual i love-so horny and debased i will hump anything. i don't know why but the word hump drives me crazy-i think because it just makes you think of animals, just a mindless act..something along those lines. i love it! But by the afternoon i am ready to rip my clothes off to get rid of the irritation. That's what it is, constant constant constant irritation broken up periodically by some sharp biting pain. But overall i like tack day-keeps me focused and aroused even while i am horribly uncomfortable.
Wednesdays are, as you know, "diaper day". Well covered territory.
Thursdays are a combo: "oink day" and "rope G-string day". i could live without the G-string, really doesn't do too much for me except break up the lines of my outfits. But sometimes if i string it just right it can be irritating and stimulating. Even with that though this is my FAVORITE day and i have talked about it a little in other blogs. For those that don't know on this day i am only allowed to speak with Mastered or anyone affiliated with this experience with one oink for no and two oinks for yes. This works on sooooooo many levels and i soooooooo recommend it to anyone else, even if you don't do the oinks just the restriction to yes or no is soooooooo clarifying. No "buts" or "ifs" or "well.." or "i think..". On one level you realize how little of what you say is really needed, on another level you are constantly feeling the restrictions placed on you. i think i have said it before but the loss of speech causes actually tension in your body that keeps you on edge constantly. And i would say on this day Mastered (and company) is/are downright gleeful, tormenting me, reveling in my limitations. I think knowing that i am squirming, wiggling with frustration and excitement (because this day above all other EXCITES me) makes him very happy. i could go on about this day but i am pretty sure i have covered it other places.
And lastly Friday is "vibrator day". This entails me wearing my egg vibrator buried in my cunt and on all day. This is my second favorite day, or maybe third...i don't know, lol. I find myself trying to grind into my chair, rocking back and forth, its all very wanton. But i do think that these eggs are not meant to run all day, last Friday my cunt killed my back up egg..so off to the store i go, lol.
i have been trying really hard to be financially responsible lately so i have not gotten the ben wa balls i told Mastered i would but once i do i am hoping "rope G-string day" will be replaced with "ben wa ball day".
So there you have my unofficial week schedule of torments and tests...but please don't think that this is everything because Mastered is a BIG fan of the icyhot treatments and will throw in an occasional clothes pin or make me go hug the toilet since "i love the toilet so much"...so yeah, he is by no means limited by my "days" activities. I will say this is nice because i know what is coming but i think if i had my way Wednesday would stay diaper day and the others would be rotated as a surprise to me....but he likes structure, so i like structure.
And just for old time sake, and because i laughed out loud when i got my slut label today:
One task pic not posted on SF
This one pic got denied on SF, though I have had good luck there recently. I like this one, not just because it showed my clean up efforts but also because it showed my.... what did I call it in my blog?...my fuck stool.
Just because
Just because who doesn't like a good cucumber in the cunt shot? It's a classic. Is it wrong that I am going to cut it up and put it on my sandwich now?
Task photos
I wanted to post these here as well since they get cut off if you can only see the thumbnail on SF..there are more pics on yesterdays post as well. Enjoy
May 27 2013
i was thinking that people may think that i haven't been doing tasks lately. Actually every 4th weekend Mastered gives me off, which is just another reason that i have so much respect for him. You cant be up on someone constantly, people need a break, a breather even sluts and slaves and, yes, pigs. This can all get overwhelming sometimes and that break lets me relax a little and regroup. i imagine it like taking off a pair of shoes you love but hurt your feet, its a luxurious feeling. But your excited to put them back on and look super hot again. Anyway last weekend was my 4th weekend so no task.
This weekend i did have a task but it wasn't a typical task, i just had to take a series of pictures in slave position 1 and 2 in various states of dress. You can see one of the results on my new profile pic. Most of them wont be able to be posted on SF because there is not enough of a BDSM element but Mastered will have me try when he feels like it. But once he gave me the task and left it kind of open ended outside of some required shots i got a little creative. I was so proud of my shots i started showing them off at a bar last night-yes the same bar as my last adventure. i showed them to a friend and he agreed they were hot, then i showed them to a random guy who was sitting next to us and chatting with us. He was impressed. So impressed he got interested in me. i wound up going back to his place and sucking his cock. Either i am still suffering writers block or it just wasn't as exciting as last time. It was very late so i did only suck his cock, asked him to cum on my face-which he did- and then left. So yet another regular at that bar knows that i am a slut-pig. i am waiting and looking forward to the day that whispering starts when i walk into that bar. Had i been thinking i should have asked to blow him in the alley or the parking lot, i really want to feel that cheap street whore feeling BUT, sadly, i did not think about it.
Mastered said i can post any of the pictures i want here, so i thought i would post the series that was all my idea and that got me so worked up i went a sucked a strangers cock.
This weekend i did have a task but it wasn't a typical task, i just had to take a series of pictures in slave position 1 and 2 in various states of dress. You can see one of the results on my new profile pic. Most of them wont be able to be posted on SF because there is not enough of a BDSM element but Mastered will have me try when he feels like it. But once he gave me the task and left it kind of open ended outside of some required shots i got a little creative. I was so proud of my shots i started showing them off at a bar last night-yes the same bar as my last adventure. i showed them to a friend and he agreed they were hot, then i showed them to a random guy who was sitting next to us and chatting with us. He was impressed. So impressed he got interested in me. i wound up going back to his place and sucking his cock. Either i am still suffering writers block or it just wasn't as exciting as last time. It was very late so i did only suck his cock, asked him to cum on my face-which he did- and then left. So yet another regular at that bar knows that i am a slut-pig. i am waiting and looking forward to the day that whispering starts when i walk into that bar. Had i been thinking i should have asked to blow him in the alley or the parking lot, i really want to feel that cheap street whore feeling BUT, sadly, i did not think about it.
Mastered said i can post any of the pictures i want here, so i thought i would post the series that was all my idea and that got me so worked up i went a sucked a strangers cock.
May 21 2013a
Mastered is going away for a while in a month or so (less i
think). This happened last year as well. When he leaves for these extended
(over a week) periods of time he leaves me with what i have taken to calling a
"guest Master", although i don't think i would be allowed to call
them that-but i am not sure. At any rate this is a person that takes over the
his job in whatever capacity they are able. Check -ins, outfits choice, tasks,
daily maintenance. It is a weird feeling answering to a new person, not so much
the exposure to someone else because, really, what do i have left to be shy
about but adjusting to another tone/voice or set of expectations of behavior.
It seems to be the pattern that a month or so before Mastered leaves he lets me
know who it will be and they integrate into our conversation somewhat.
Last years guest was a person diametrically opposite of Master, a Daddy so to speak. He was actually responsible for the task that resulted in me having golf balls around the house for Mastered to torment me with now. It all went pretty smoothly, i think because he was less severe (but, perhaps, a tad bit more formal), than Mastered so my normal standards of behavior were sufficient. He liked to have me write stories, which was really nice because that was before i had this journal. This was also pre-pig but i think that would not have been his style so i am not actually sure he would have wanted the job now. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and in fact i think he would be awesome for someone looking specifically for a Daddy but i don't think the level of degradation i have sunk to would be his cup of tea. But even though my behavior-i think- was fine i still had to figure out subtle likes and dislikes and alter what i talked about or what i emphasized and how i did that. That is one of the interesting things about the "guest".
i am sure that every D/s have their own shorthand or standards-you get to know what your Master cares about and what is behaviors or words are superfluous. i am fortunate in that, although Mastered is not a big talker and i am certainly more wordy, we are both pretty direct, non-flowery speakers. Also as i mentioned to someone recently-declarations, begging and certainly whining doesn't really have any effect on him so i don't bother with much of that- he really just wants to hear "Yes Sir" and know that i am doing what he says. (Everything i just wrote was a massive generalization so, of course, there are exceptions to it.) Ironically the way that i some times, feebly, try to register my unhappiness is by ONLY saying "Yes Sir", which probably just makes him happier-lol. But my point is, there is not much room for misunderstanding partially because we communicate similarly.
But that "shorthand" or those habits can be interpreted entirely differently by a new person-the "do this" or "show this" part of interacting with someone new is easy, those are clear directives. But it is adapting to the nuances of their desires and communicating successfully that can be jarring. Which is my way of segueing into discussing this years "guest", who has been a frequent commenter on my media. i have always enjoyed, from his first comment on pictures way back, how he addressed me or rather didn't address ME but merely commented upon the meat he was looking at. i felt that he was very similar to Mastered. But as time passed i feel like i got to know him thru his comments and we had a pretty good back and forth. But..and here is the thing...he was "just" a commenter, as long as i was polite Mastered didn't really care what i said and my commenter didn't have any say in anything that i did so i teased, i was casual. But now he has a say and it is funny how quickly he took to correcting my speech. i found myself kind of taken aback by the fact that my behavior would have to change (i know DUH) and a little surprised by the aggressiveness with which he took to his new role. i don't know why i should be surprised this is what i saw in him initially that made him one of my favs. But it was a good mind check for me because at first i was offended by his presumption-it was a knee jerk reaction-because i realize now that i had felt in control of previous interactions simply, i guess, by virtue of the fact that i could respond how ever i liked-blandly if i wasn't in the mood to write, tantalizing, teasing if i was feeling it. So this is showing me pretty forcefully that there are always little areas that i strive to control even when i don't realize it. Another thing that it has kind of reopened for me is the issue of being seen as an individual person. As i said this person and i had developed what i considered a rapport and i would have said he was fond of ME (the capital letter ME) but since i have been available to interact on a private level he has disabused me of that notion (without specifically trying) by the way he has addressed me. My first reaction was to be a little hurt but, now i like it, yet another reminder that i am here just for entertainment-that i am a body, holes, tits- not anything else that anyone is interested in when it comes right down to it.
i am getting tired but the last thing i wanted to mention was the shifting paradigm of approval seeking. All of this comes back to Mastered and making him proud. The last time there were things that irritated me, made me angry even, were different and therefore wrong as i am sure there will be this time but in every action and reaction i wanted to have the "guest" think well, not of me, but of Mastered and what his training has accomplished and THAT is what made me feel successful: making someone else look good-and this is coming from someone who made their boss cry today-LOL!
Now all of that said-i have high hopes for this "guest", not only has it already served to bring me low a couple of times by reminding me of the source of my value but the more i interact with him the more i am convinced that he will A) be consistant with Mastereds ...ideals-might be the right word and B) have diabolical and degrading and painful addtions to my current training. So...fun for everybody, right?
Last years guest was a person diametrically opposite of Master, a Daddy so to speak. He was actually responsible for the task that resulted in me having golf balls around the house for Mastered to torment me with now. It all went pretty smoothly, i think because he was less severe (but, perhaps, a tad bit more formal), than Mastered so my normal standards of behavior were sufficient. He liked to have me write stories, which was really nice because that was before i had this journal. This was also pre-pig but i think that would not have been his style so i am not actually sure he would have wanted the job now. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and in fact i think he would be awesome for someone looking specifically for a Daddy but i don't think the level of degradation i have sunk to would be his cup of tea. But even though my behavior-i think- was fine i still had to figure out subtle likes and dislikes and alter what i talked about or what i emphasized and how i did that. That is one of the interesting things about the "guest".
i am sure that every D/s have their own shorthand or standards-you get to know what your Master cares about and what is behaviors or words are superfluous. i am fortunate in that, although Mastered is not a big talker and i am certainly more wordy, we are both pretty direct, non-flowery speakers. Also as i mentioned to someone recently-declarations, begging and certainly whining doesn't really have any effect on him so i don't bother with much of that- he really just wants to hear "Yes Sir" and know that i am doing what he says. (Everything i just wrote was a massive generalization so, of course, there are exceptions to it.) Ironically the way that i some times, feebly, try to register my unhappiness is by ONLY saying "Yes Sir", which probably just makes him happier-lol. But my point is, there is not much room for misunderstanding partially because we communicate similarly.
But that "shorthand" or those habits can be interpreted entirely differently by a new person-the "do this" or "show this" part of interacting with someone new is easy, those are clear directives. But it is adapting to the nuances of their desires and communicating successfully that can be jarring. Which is my way of segueing into discussing this years "guest", who has been a frequent commenter on my media. i have always enjoyed, from his first comment on pictures way back, how he addressed me or rather didn't address ME but merely commented upon the meat he was looking at. i felt that he was very similar to Mastered. But as time passed i feel like i got to know him thru his comments and we had a pretty good back and forth. But..and here is the thing...he was "just" a commenter, as long as i was polite Mastered didn't really care what i said and my commenter didn't have any say in anything that i did so i teased, i was casual. But now he has a say and it is funny how quickly he took to correcting my speech. i found myself kind of taken aback by the fact that my behavior would have to change (i know DUH) and a little surprised by the aggressiveness with which he took to his new role. i don't know why i should be surprised this is what i saw in him initially that made him one of my favs. But it was a good mind check for me because at first i was offended by his presumption-it was a knee jerk reaction-because i realize now that i had felt in control of previous interactions simply, i guess, by virtue of the fact that i could respond how ever i liked-blandly if i wasn't in the mood to write, tantalizing, teasing if i was feeling it. So this is showing me pretty forcefully that there are always little areas that i strive to control even when i don't realize it. Another thing that it has kind of reopened for me is the issue of being seen as an individual person. As i said this person and i had developed what i considered a rapport and i would have said he was fond of ME (the capital letter ME) but since i have been available to interact on a private level he has disabused me of that notion (without specifically trying) by the way he has addressed me. My first reaction was to be a little hurt but, now i like it, yet another reminder that i am here just for entertainment-that i am a body, holes, tits- not anything else that anyone is interested in when it comes right down to it.
i am getting tired but the last thing i wanted to mention was the shifting paradigm of approval seeking. All of this comes back to Mastered and making him proud. The last time there were things that irritated me, made me angry even, were different and therefore wrong as i am sure there will be this time but in every action and reaction i wanted to have the "guest" think well, not of me, but of Mastered and what his training has accomplished and THAT is what made me feel successful: making someone else look good-and this is coming from someone who made their boss cry today-LOL!
Now all of that said-i have high hopes for this "guest", not only has it already served to bring me low a couple of times by reminding me of the source of my value but the more i interact with him the more i am convinced that he will A) be consistant with Mastereds ...ideals-might be the right word and B) have diabolical and degrading and painful addtions to my current training. So...fun for everybody, right?
May 20 2013
Last week i had a bit of fun and torment, don't they always go hand in hand? First, earlier last week Mastered had me masturbate, but only by rubbing my clit and you know i was dying to have my fingers in my cunt BUT it wasn't allowed!
Then as if that wasn't bad enough on Friday i had to wear my remote control egg vibrator all day(you can see the pink remote and the wire into my pants)!! The night before i discovered that my nice silent one was broken so i had to use my back up egg (yes i have a back up) which is louder so i had to bury it deep inside me. But after a couple of hours i tugged it down so that it was sitting right at the opening of my cunt and hitting my clit-i just had to cross my legs hard and muffle the noise if anyone came around me. It was a looooong day
Then as if that wasn't bad enough on Friday i had to wear my remote control egg vibrator all day(you can see the pink remote and the wire into my pants)!! The night before i discovered that my nice silent one was broken so i had to use my back up egg (yes i have a back up) which is louder so i had to bury it deep inside me. But after a couple of hours i tugged it down so that it was sitting right at the opening of my cunt and hitting my clit-i just had to cross my legs hard and muffle the noise if anyone came around me. It was a looooong day
Since that was Friday, of course i went out after work and had a couple of drinks and by the time i got home i was desperate BUT i am pretty obedient and just stuck with my normal ass fucking and left my aching cunt alone.
Then after all of this (and a little begging on my part) Master let me do something i haven't done in literally months and which is my favorite thing and the one sure way to make me cum. And cum i did in about 3 minutes!
Reposted blog "slave Js first time"
i am reposting this old blog from SF in answer to a question on my last journal "1) I wonder how you got to become what you are ...". This same question was asked of me on SF and i asked Mastered if i could answer it and he said i could but ....get this....was i sure i wanted people to know all of that about me! hahahahahaha guess we all know the answer to that now. This is pretty much the story of my first experience. There should be a second part that i may have to add about my evolution under Mastered (although what don't you already know about that??) because these 2 relationships are like bookends-my first one was almost perfection and then years of dissatisfaction and now i have Mastered and i think it is clear it is close to perfect for me. Anyway i hope you enjoy:
i don't have a very exciting story about how i got started. i don't know if you want to hear how i developed my appetites or my first experience so i will generally address both.
When i was 9 or 10 i found my fathers stash of porn, but it wasn't pictures or magazines, they were books (and i was already a voracious reader. to this day my favorite form of porn is written). They were all bdsm stories so the very first things i ever read or viewed about sex was about women being degraded and humiliated. i don't know how much reading serious hard core stuff when i was that young had to do with it or if it is just an innate desire i was born with but either way bdsm fantasies were ALL i have ever had/have.
When i was first having sex i would hint to the guys that i was into this kind of stuff, but my partners and i were so young and stupid that although we knew it was tantalizing nobody really knew what to do about it-that was ages 15-20. Then i met David. We were 21, we had dated for a couple of weeks and were already having sex but one night after only being together for a couple of weeks....and i will never ever forget this night...we were doing it doggie style and he started talking dirty to me like no one had ever really talked before-he asked me if i loved his cock-he would pull out of me- and tell me to beg for it before he would slide into me again. This is all pretty small stuff from our perspective now but for a young woman for the first time getting a taste of what she wanted it was amazing and i definitely showed that i was VERY into it. Then he took it up a notch, the next time he pulled out of me he told me to bark like a dog!!!!! That is a hard thing to do, even now making animal noises is one of my least favorite things to do. But there i was: 21, had never really done anything like that so even though i was incredibly mindlessly turned on i refused. HERE is what this 21 year old inexperienced man did that set the bar high for anyone trying to dominate me later: when i didn't bark like a dog, he moved away from me and got off the bed and started to get dressed without a word. SERIOUSLY??? a 21 year old guy was walking away from MY tight dripping hot cunt? To this day, considering how easy it is to derail "dominant" men just by throwing some pussy in their face, it amazes me he was able to do that. But it worked, i begged him to come back and before he gave me his cock again i barked like a dog and for the rest of the time he was fucking me that night when ever he told me to do it i did. From there we went further, he was the first to whip me with a belt, the first to whip my tits, first nipple clamps, first anal, he loved inserting things into my holes. He would tie me up and just fill my holes with whatever was at hand. Our sex was close to the best i have ever had. Emotionally we handled the situation horribly but that's another story.
The really amazing thing about this, to me, is that neither one of us had ever expressed this side of ourselves outside of our fantasies but the way we came together was so organic and effortless and we went pretty far, not just some spanking and dirty talk, but real D/s stuff. i think i am a true slut by nature but he was the most true and natural Dom i have known. The way he handled me, dominated me was with absolute authority and absolute confidence from the start, that is very impressive to me especially after years of meeting older more experience Doms that were so weak in comparison. We have remained semi-friends over the past 20 years and we talked maybe 2 years ago about how neither one of us have ever been able to duplicate the passion or the naturalness of the sexual relationship we shared. The problem for me is that i was never able to find a Dom or a master who possessed the absolute authority that David had. That night became the bar that i measured so called "dominant" men by, it became sort of a test: if a man claimed to be dominant and told me to do something immediately before or during sex i would subtly refuse, offering another sex act or saying "please just fuck me, i cant wait to feel you inside me blah blah blah" and if he didn't notice what i had done or chose to let it slide and fucked me anyway he failed and my submission to him would be off the table for good. It is shocking and sad how many failed. With one (and a half) exceptions i have not had any other truly successful bdsm interactions until now.
i don't have a very exciting story about how i got started. i don't know if you want to hear how i developed my appetites or my first experience so i will generally address both.
When i was 9 or 10 i found my fathers stash of porn, but it wasn't pictures or magazines, they were books (and i was already a voracious reader. to this day my favorite form of porn is written). They were all bdsm stories so the very first things i ever read or viewed about sex was about women being degraded and humiliated. i don't know how much reading serious hard core stuff when i was that young had to do with it or if it is just an innate desire i was born with but either way bdsm fantasies were ALL i have ever had/have.
When i was first having sex i would hint to the guys that i was into this kind of stuff, but my partners and i were so young and stupid that although we knew it was tantalizing nobody really knew what to do about it-that was ages 15-20. Then i met David. We were 21, we had dated for a couple of weeks and were already having sex but one night after only being together for a couple of weeks....and i will never ever forget this night...we were doing it doggie style and he started talking dirty to me like no one had ever really talked before-he asked me if i loved his cock-he would pull out of me- and tell me to beg for it before he would slide into me again. This is all pretty small stuff from our perspective now but for a young woman for the first time getting a taste of what she wanted it was amazing and i definitely showed that i was VERY into it. Then he took it up a notch, the next time he pulled out of me he told me to bark like a dog!!!!! That is a hard thing to do, even now making animal noises is one of my least favorite things to do. But there i was: 21, had never really done anything like that so even though i was incredibly mindlessly turned on i refused. HERE is what this 21 year old inexperienced man did that set the bar high for anyone trying to dominate me later: when i didn't bark like a dog, he moved away from me and got off the bed and started to get dressed without a word. SERIOUSLY??? a 21 year old guy was walking away from MY tight dripping hot cunt? To this day, considering how easy it is to derail "dominant" men just by throwing some pussy in their face, it amazes me he was able to do that. But it worked, i begged him to come back and before he gave me his cock again i barked like a dog and for the rest of the time he was fucking me that night when ever he told me to do it i did. From there we went further, he was the first to whip me with a belt, the first to whip my tits, first nipple clamps, first anal, he loved inserting things into my holes. He would tie me up and just fill my holes with whatever was at hand. Our sex was close to the best i have ever had. Emotionally we handled the situation horribly but that's another story.
The really amazing thing about this, to me, is that neither one of us had ever expressed this side of ourselves outside of our fantasies but the way we came together was so organic and effortless and we went pretty far, not just some spanking and dirty talk, but real D/s stuff. i think i am a true slut by nature but he was the most true and natural Dom i have known. The way he handled me, dominated me was with absolute authority and absolute confidence from the start, that is very impressive to me especially after years of meeting older more experience Doms that were so weak in comparison. We have remained semi-friends over the past 20 years and we talked maybe 2 years ago about how neither one of us have ever been able to duplicate the passion or the naturalness of the sexual relationship we shared. The problem for me is that i was never able to find a Dom or a master who possessed the absolute authority that David had. That night became the bar that i measured so called "dominant" men by, it became sort of a test: if a man claimed to be dominant and told me to do something immediately before or during sex i would subtly refuse, offering another sex act or saying "please just fuck me, i cant wait to feel you inside me blah blah blah" and if he didn't notice what i had done or chose to let it slide and fucked me anyway he failed and my submission to him would be off the table for good. It is shocking and sad how many failed. With one (and a half) exceptions i have not had any other truly successful bdsm interactions until now.
Looking for Inspiration
i feel like i have been ignoring my journal but i just havent had any inspiration lately. i was thinking, sometimes a phrase, or someone elses comments catches my attention and gets me thinking and inspires me. So i though, just for the fun of it, i would ask if anyone has any questions about my training or anything i have talked about before or, even, things i havent talked about before but you are curious about. It feels a little self important to do it but i thought the results might be interesting. That said, no silliness please-i can just delete the whole entry if i don't like the direction it goes in. So have at me, lets see if i am as open when i dont control the topic.
Picture for answer to question # 1:
Picture for answer to question # 1:
So far i am really glad i did this- just the 2 so far have given me ideas or reminded me of things i want to do or need to refocus on-thanks!!
May 7 2013
So i am posting a two for one tonight. On sat. i went to the Lyric Opera House to see Dreamgirls (FABULOUS) and then out downtown afterward. So i decided to whore it up a little because i thought how hot it would have been had i had one of my slut labels on last time i had my "adventure". No adventure materialized but i was ready if any had:
Then today Mastered assigned the tack bra and panty (tits and cunt lips are sore tonight) and along with it a humorous (in his view) label. i had to write it spaced oddly because my blouse could have shown it, all day i was trying to make sure i stayed covered.
Then today Mastered assigned the tack bra and panty (tits and cunt lips are sore tonight) and along with it a humorous (in his view) label. i had to write it spaced oddly because my blouse could have shown it, all day i was trying to make sure i stayed covered.
In other news i had my first oink day on Friday. i understand now why my dog wags her tail when she is happy. Let me explain....when Mastered would text me with something i liked, words that would turn me on or asked me questions about what i want and i could only respond with my two oinks it was like all this energy was building up inside me with no way to expend it. When Master says something like "Well, little dumb pig...horny for cock?" i would normal respond with something like "yes Sir for your cock, i want to beg you to fuck your pig. i wish you would fuck me hard over and over never letting me cum and then shoot your cum in my pighole so i am left dripping cum and desperate and unsatisfied". But all i could say was "oink oink", or "oink oink! oink oink!" and it left me with an actual physical feeling of momentum trapped inside my body and had this been happening in person i am SURE i would have waggled my ass, nudged, nuzzled and, i am going to say, whined just to get that tension out of my body. It was the weirdest feeling and it really was a physical feeling. It didn't take me entirely out of myself because i was at work so the prohibition wasn't entire and i am sure just the act of saying words to others diluted the experience but i now long to test this in person for a significant period of time-the head space has got to be amazing. Mastered is thinking that maybe all Fridays will be oink days-i would prefer a day where, again except for work, i would be limited to only yes or no in the regular world too. i think that would be a fuller experience and a challenge for me and Fridays are one of my going out nights so i wouldn't be able to carry it thru the entire day. But we shall see.
Now the flip side of the experience was when he said or did something that made me unhappy or that i disagreed with. These limitations actually made that easier to take. Normally i have to fight with myself, not that i will say no to anything, but i will try to register my unhappiness somehow or say something that i know he wont care about or will just irritate him. Everything came down to yes or no it was simple-no internal argument. Don't get me wrong i still might feel some way but the temptation to voice that was gone, and surprisingly that eliminated some level of stress that i get when a situation like that occurs. i think this took me to a level that i don't think even Mastered realized, it wasn't necessarily a "oh i just got gushing wet" level (although that happened) but mentally i think something like this could really mess with me (in a good way)....if you get used to thinking in simple terms of yes or no, no higher level of articulation or thought you get closer to a simple animal way of responding...hypothetically anyway. i look forward to the next oink day to see if it was just the novelty that so entranced me or if this really is as amazing an experience as i thought.
May 2 2013
i have a couple of things to talk about tonight-its been kind of a weird week or two.
But first- to finish the trifecta of zip line torture. Last night was arms and i finally get some bruising out of these ordeals. This all started last week with me wanting to do something different to my tits each night so that by the weekend they would be so sore that if the wind blew it would hurt but for a couple of reasons it evolved into this. i enjoyed this mainly because i could proudly send the videos off to Mastered knowing he would wake up to them and start his day off with proof of my devotion. But i also (in addition to the pain but i have talked about that before) love that moment right before i pull the strings, when i have to JUST DO IT. That is one thing, even in regular life, that i am pretty good at -just facing the inevitable and DOING IT. Pulling that string is actually a good metaphor for a lot of things, but i digress. Here are the pictures and vid:
Also i haven't shown my slut label for a while and Mastered likes this one so here is todays outfit:
Now to the meat and potatoes. i was assigned 2 new rules today, one i am not excited about but one has rocked my world and made me so happy. Of course i have Diaper Day on Wednesdays but now i have "Oink Day". This is a day that can happen randomly, apparently i will just wake up to an email that will notify me it is "Oink Day". When that happens i will only be able to respond to Mastered with one oink for no and two oinks for yes for that day. What this says to me is that my opinions, my thoughts are so irrelevant, so pointless to Mastered that they can be replaced with oinks. Oh to truly be a dumb pig!!!! i can not wait for this to happen, to have that feeling of frustration that i have something to say, something that i think has value but be reduced to a yes or no and worse only thru oinks. How much more forcefully can a person like me be reminded of their role than taking speech from me???? i hope i can embrace this, i hope it pushes me hard, i hope i have to hold back my tears because the realization of how little of what i say or think effects anything slaps me right across my face. Because that is what this is saying-these fine well articulated thoughts sound the same coming from me as oinks.
When Mastered calls me i am supposed to pick up the phone saying right away "Yes Sir?" or "Yes Master?", i am visualizing my cell phone sitting on my desk and showing Master calling and having to grab it and race to a place that i can pick up just oinking or will i just try to quietly do it at my desk in public? My stomach is in knots already thinking of this. i can not tell you how happy i am about this rule!! The other question, of course, is will he try to provoke me, push my buttons with things he knows i will be consumed with wanting to expound on. The thing about him is that, yes, he is harsh and there is no compromise with him-absolutely! But within those parameters he is...reasonable is not exactly the right word but straight forward...there is no guessing, there is no hyperbole and there are no games. He is not one to give me an impossible task so he can punish, he doesn't rant and rave and posture, he is always realistic in expectations and in working with real life limitations. i am saying all of that because, honestly, i think he would think it is beneath him to mess with me or try to provoke me (i could be totally wrong-lol), i think this is just what i said: a new rule he expects me to follow, no more no less. So we shall see, but i am looking forward to this new challenge, this step closer to being a dumb pig in word and deed. Who wants to bet this journal will be over flowing with all the words i don't get to say on those days?
i haven't talked about Diaper Day recently - i felt like it was well covered territory but a couple things have come up. Without going into a huge amount of detail i did not do some things i was supposed to last week - i think without realizing it i was either giving up, or trying to test some boundaries, i was definitely going thru some "changes" as they say. The upshot of this behavior was that Mastered removed himself from the situation - basically saying on wed morning don't do anything but catch up on the 3 things you haven't done, get your shit together and contact me on Friday if you manage to do that. So that would be 2 days with out contact and no daily activities -such as diaper day. At first i was just relieved but as time went by on wed i found i missed him, of course, but i specifically missed the....intimacy of DD. i never really thought of it in those terms but it is a day that, in real time, he is in control of aspects of my body even more intimate than sex..it is hard to put it in words but my dependence on him shows in stark relief that day, my submission is without condition or question on that day. So long story short i was happy when this wed rolled around, i felt i was back at home. And it was fabulous to be back. i have started to get a little brazen about the diapers. i don't know if the brand i use changed something or what but they are a little noisy now and i like that, i like the reminder, the embarrassment of knowing what that noise is as i move (but still feeling pretty safe because, seriously, who hears crinkling and thinks "someone is wearing diapers"). i have somewhat of a changing routine - around 12 and then 2 and then before i leave work. For those that don't know as more piss gets in the diaper they get visibly puffier, and i like that too - feeling the bulk of the wet diaper, the idea that it could be seen if someone really looked. But that was put to the test yesterday: i was about to do the 12 oclock change so i was pretty puffed out and i was wearing a sweater dress that clings. When i got up to go to the bathroom i had, under the guise of smoothing my skirt, run my hand over my ass to see how puffed out and bulky my diaper was and the answer was very. So i grabbed my purse and set off to the restroom, as soon as i started walking a man in the office started walking behind me. The thing about me is i have a great ass (lol) and i walk in a fashion that pretty much demands any man behind me look at it so i was about 90% sure that is where this man behind me was looking, i was freaking out!!!! i turned down another hall and FUCK he turned too!! This was the longest 1 minute walk of my life - in my bulky wet visible diaper being followed by a man i KNOW was looking at my ass. But that is what i think about right? this is the line i am walking on purpose by sending Mastered outfits selections on diaper day that are not necessarily discreet. i don't know what he saw or noticed, and again who would ever really think: hmmmm wonder if she is wearing a diaper? But still.....it got all up inside my head. Not great that it happened at work instead walking of down the aisle in a store in front of a stranger or something where i could just really live in the moment but what can you do. i do actually have a humiliation fantasy of being shopping with Mastered-standing in line and having him pat my ass and ask in a normal speaking voice if my diaper is wet-can you imagine the shame??????? oh fuck YES. i can feel the blush run up my face, i can feel trying to avoid every ones eyes. whoa that would be awesome - i think it would actually make me dizzy the combo of pure true shame, embarrassment and excitement.
So there you have it - i am glad i finally got to get some of this out and down on paper-i feel like i didn't do either of these subjects justice but i had a lot to cover-i hope i made sense!
But first- to finish the trifecta of zip line torture. Last night was arms and i finally get some bruising out of these ordeals. This all started last week with me wanting to do something different to my tits each night so that by the weekend they would be so sore that if the wind blew it would hurt but for a couple of reasons it evolved into this. i enjoyed this mainly because i could proudly send the videos off to Mastered knowing he would wake up to them and start his day off with proof of my devotion. But i also (in addition to the pain but i have talked about that before) love that moment right before i pull the strings, when i have to JUST DO IT. That is one thing, even in regular life, that i am pretty good at -just facing the inevitable and DOING IT. Pulling that string is actually a good metaphor for a lot of things, but i digress. Here are the pictures and vid:
Also i haven't shown my slut label for a while and Mastered likes this one so here is todays outfit:
Now to the meat and potatoes. i was assigned 2 new rules today, one i am not excited about but one has rocked my world and made me so happy. Of course i have Diaper Day on Wednesdays but now i have "Oink Day". This is a day that can happen randomly, apparently i will just wake up to an email that will notify me it is "Oink Day". When that happens i will only be able to respond to Mastered with one oink for no and two oinks for yes for that day. What this says to me is that my opinions, my thoughts are so irrelevant, so pointless to Mastered that they can be replaced with oinks. Oh to truly be a dumb pig!!!! i can not wait for this to happen, to have that feeling of frustration that i have something to say, something that i think has value but be reduced to a yes or no and worse only thru oinks. How much more forcefully can a person like me be reminded of their role than taking speech from me???? i hope i can embrace this, i hope it pushes me hard, i hope i have to hold back my tears because the realization of how little of what i say or think effects anything slaps me right across my face. Because that is what this is saying-these fine well articulated thoughts sound the same coming from me as oinks.
When Mastered calls me i am supposed to pick up the phone saying right away "Yes Sir?" or "Yes Master?", i am visualizing my cell phone sitting on my desk and showing Master calling and having to grab it and race to a place that i can pick up just oinking or will i just try to quietly do it at my desk in public? My stomach is in knots already thinking of this. i can not tell you how happy i am about this rule!! The other question, of course, is will he try to provoke me, push my buttons with things he knows i will be consumed with wanting to expound on. The thing about him is that, yes, he is harsh and there is no compromise with him-absolutely! But within those parameters he is...reasonable is not exactly the right word but straight forward...there is no guessing, there is no hyperbole and there are no games. He is not one to give me an impossible task so he can punish, he doesn't rant and rave and posture, he is always realistic in expectations and in working with real life limitations. i am saying all of that because, honestly, i think he would think it is beneath him to mess with me or try to provoke me (i could be totally wrong-lol), i think this is just what i said: a new rule he expects me to follow, no more no less. So we shall see, but i am looking forward to this new challenge, this step closer to being a dumb pig in word and deed. Who wants to bet this journal will be over flowing with all the words i don't get to say on those days?
i haven't talked about Diaper Day recently - i felt like it was well covered territory but a couple things have come up. Without going into a huge amount of detail i did not do some things i was supposed to last week - i think without realizing it i was either giving up, or trying to test some boundaries, i was definitely going thru some "changes" as they say. The upshot of this behavior was that Mastered removed himself from the situation - basically saying on wed morning don't do anything but catch up on the 3 things you haven't done, get your shit together and contact me on Friday if you manage to do that. So that would be 2 days with out contact and no daily activities -such as diaper day. At first i was just relieved but as time went by on wed i found i missed him, of course, but i specifically missed the....intimacy of DD. i never really thought of it in those terms but it is a day that, in real time, he is in control of aspects of my body even more intimate than sex..it is hard to put it in words but my dependence on him shows in stark relief that day, my submission is without condition or question on that day. So long story short i was happy when this wed rolled around, i felt i was back at home. And it was fabulous to be back. i have started to get a little brazen about the diapers. i don't know if the brand i use changed something or what but they are a little noisy now and i like that, i like the reminder, the embarrassment of knowing what that noise is as i move (but still feeling pretty safe because, seriously, who hears crinkling and thinks "someone is wearing diapers"). i have somewhat of a changing routine - around 12 and then 2 and then before i leave work. For those that don't know as more piss gets in the diaper they get visibly puffier, and i like that too - feeling the bulk of the wet diaper, the idea that it could be seen if someone really looked. But that was put to the test yesterday: i was about to do the 12 oclock change so i was pretty puffed out and i was wearing a sweater dress that clings. When i got up to go to the bathroom i had, under the guise of smoothing my skirt, run my hand over my ass to see how puffed out and bulky my diaper was and the answer was very. So i grabbed my purse and set off to the restroom, as soon as i started walking a man in the office started walking behind me. The thing about me is i have a great ass (lol) and i walk in a fashion that pretty much demands any man behind me look at it so i was about 90% sure that is where this man behind me was looking, i was freaking out!!!! i turned down another hall and FUCK he turned too!! This was the longest 1 minute walk of my life - in my bulky wet visible diaper being followed by a man i KNOW was looking at my ass. But that is what i think about right? this is the line i am walking on purpose by sending Mastered outfits selections on diaper day that are not necessarily discreet. i don't know what he saw or noticed, and again who would ever really think: hmmmm wonder if she is wearing a diaper? But still.....it got all up inside my head. Not great that it happened at work instead walking of down the aisle in a store in front of a stranger or something where i could just really live in the moment but what can you do. i do actually have a humiliation fantasy of being shopping with Mastered-standing in line and having him pat my ass and ask in a normal speaking voice if my diaper is wet-can you imagine the shame??????? oh fuck YES. i can feel the blush run up my face, i can feel trying to avoid every ones eyes. whoa that would be awesome - i think it would actually make me dizzy the combo of pure true shame, embarrassment and excitement.
So there you have it - i am glad i finally got to get some of this out and down on paper-i feel like i didn't do either of these subjects justice but i had a lot to cover-i hope i made sense!
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