August 27, 2013

i was thinking about words today. The words that Mastered uses have so much power over me, i love when they take me from my normal state of mind to a place where if i could i would hit the ground in a second and be face on the ground, ass up, wiggling and oinking for his cock. Today my slut label was skank. This is a word that could easily be used in polite company but even so it was electric to me. i have said before that slut and whore don't really have power with me because they are supposed to be negative but i don't see them like that.  i don't think either of those words have anything to do at all with your character. i could go on for ever about how ridiculous it is to associate a woman sexuality with who they are as a person. LOL but i know this is not the right audience for that conversation. But i had to explain it to contrast the words that do have power for me. Words like skank, garbage, scum. They do carry a judgment that i accept as valid, not so much about whether you profit from sex or how many men you have sex with, but about your style, your class, your intellect, your pride, your dignity. For example i used to have one night stands but only with men that i knew were specifically interested in ME, that is not a skank. But since i have been with Mastered i have had sex with people that just wanted to stick their cock in something, i have let someone that i am not attracted to piss on me, that is a skank. That i do it to please another man just makes it even worse.  At the snap of Mastereds fingers my dignity is out the window...for god sake i OINK PUBLICLY....that doesn't make me a slut or a whore, that makes me something much much worse in my eyes: a woman run by men, only concerned about sex, i sacrifice my values and ideals about women and respect  ( that i truly fervently and passionately believe in) because MASTERED MAKES MY CUNT THROB AND RUN.  That is a piece of garbage, that is a skank, that is a dumb pig.

Then there is the crassness factor- words like pissing and shitting.  In fact awhile ago Mastered called me fuckface and it too was electric. On the face of it there is nothing sexy about that, it is inelegant and crass and ugly. But i loved it, because no matter how much i like to believe i am a sophisticated intellectual there is a large part of my personality that absolutely revels in the crassness-i catch myself thinking during vanilla times in the terms i use in during bdsm times-cunt, pighole, tits, cock-that is my vocabulary now. i have written in all seriousness on my pig board that my goal is to learn to love licking assholes. ummm yeah that's real elegant. Mastered sends me to, in his term "edge" on the toilet rim, when i talk about it i call it humping the toilet because "edging" is a more discrete, or euphemistic word for what i do. Humping is crass, humping is undignified and ridiculous-and that is what i am, what i want to be. An object of derision, disrespect, dehumanized.  i have said before in other blogs i don't deserve nice words, the things i want and the things i am willing to do make nice words like, sex, breasts, even pussy inappropriate for me. i deserve and want the crassest, most vulgar, most insulting words possible! And those words are not always "dirty", they can be as innocuous as "lowlife" or "little girl" (which to me is insulting) or "dumb pig".  Those words attack the parts of me i am proud and that is what rocks my world to the core. When he says those kind of words i go into a frenzy, able only to think of my basest desires and the horrible things i will do to please him. Those words make me want to grovel in front of him while he laughs-that would truly make me happy.

(i started off the week with sore nipples from my weight swinging and i wanted to keep them sensitive and sore so i have been using my suckers every night-keeps them nice and erect too-cant show that off at work but off hours i have been shameless, after tonight and my tank top i am sure i am the local grocery store skank)

slave Js Big News (repost from SF)

some commenters seem to not have seen this on SF so i am reposting.

I am so happy to be able to share that……………………. MASTERED IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So yes, those of you who noticed a countdown on my pig board that is what it is about, 55 days from now I will be licking my Masters shoes.  I will be able to thank him properly for letting me come back to him.  I will be able to show how devoted I am to him, to this, to being slave J.
In true Mastered fashion, he told me that he had booked his flight on oink day so all I could do was oink!!!  We had been talking about dates  for a visit,  but nothing is definite until there are plane tickets so I wasn’t really letting myself get excited.  But now there are plane tickets!! So it really is happening!! I am only letting myself think of the first minute when I walk to him, even that just overwhelms me, I cant really think past that even if I wanted to.  But I don’t want to think about what comes after, I am just going to entirely turn myself over to my Master for whatever wonderful humiliation, degradation and punishment he desires, knowing that I am safe and cared for.
One of the things that is great about this time is since we have done this before I don’t have to worry or stress about chemistry or any unknown variables,  this time I can just be deliciously nervous about what limits he will push, what pain I will feel, oh god just all of it. I really cant even articulate that well all the things this visit makes me think and feel. Three whole nights serving my Master, I am so lucky in so many ways,  my Master always finds a way to give me what  I need.

August 25 2013 part 2

i love sundays, i could live a life of sundays.  i wrote last week about my Sunday Call but the rest of sunday is usually all just me alone. i take the dog for a hike or to the park first thing, then shower, then make a giant breakfast, then nap, then start cooking my big sunday dinner. Even though it is just for me i usually, unless i am out with family, still spend several hours cooking. i know i talk  about how i am at work or out with friends but by myself i am actually very domestic, in fact, if you see curtains in the background of any of my media chances are i made them. i always say i would be a great housewife if it wasn't for the pesky husband and kids.  At any rate cooking on sundays is one of my favorite things to do.  i love just doing it for myself but i also spend the time while i am in the kitchen cooking thinking it would be nice to do this for Mastered. Spend hours cooking something perfect, making the plate and table setting perfect, serving him perfectly. My plate on the floor, also perfectly plated and set nicely but having to wait until he allows me to eat.  i am torn if i am allowed to use silverware or not..the point is kind of about elegance so it seems like it should be allowed but i am his slave eating on the floor so..... But really the part i think about is getting it all ready for him, my part doesn't really feature in my fantasy.

i usually also stay up extra late on sundays, "entertaining" myself. i did a couple of things tonight. Mastered has gotten me an inflatable gag, that i am supposed to get used to wearing-and i am glad he orderedme to do that because it does take some getting used to-to have it in for the first time while i am also being tortured in some other way may have been a bit much. i am pretty good with it now, but as a tip to any others who have never used one and is about to-the drool comes when you take it out- i literally have to have a towel in my lap to catch it all. i also usually do some type of ass fucking, mostly with gigantor but tonight i was in the mood for an actually hands free fucking so i used one of my suction cup dildos and when i do that i like to put on my weighted nipple clamps and see what kind of swing i can get going. Caught it on video tonight.

August 25, 21013

So things have taken an interesting turn in my training (shocking i know). It has taken me a little while to wrap my head around it, but just by virtue of the fact that i feel compelled to write about means that it hits me hard.  Also means i am uncomfortable sharing it.

The easiest way for me to start is to say what i am not. i am not a little girl, i am not a little (i think that is the right term), i am not a daddys girl. These things hold no appeal for me. i don't want to be coddled, taken care of. i don't want to be sweet and helpless. Now for what i am:  a grown ass woman.  i've worked hard for that - i take care of myself, i run my own life and i am very proud of that.  Additionally i know how to play to my strengths physically. While you will never hear me say i am pretty i will readily characterize my self as sexy - grown woman sexy. Being cute has never been a look i could or would want to pull off.  Cute on me just looks ridiculous, probably in large part because that is sooooooo not who i am. So for all of those reasons and more being infantilized is abhorrent to me. Guess who instinctively knows all of that?

On last weeks diaper day (of course), or rather the night before diaper day Mastered sent me to get one of those ring pop things...get it? Kind of like a socially acceptable pacifier right? i was not amused.  So now on diaper day i had to suck on my ring pop. i want to be clear: this is straight humiliation, there is no part of me that feels comfortable with this. i am going to date myself here but i am likening this to the scene in the original Fame where coco does a porno and the director is like "aw is the baby going to cry now" making fun of her for being upset about the situation. That is how this makes me feel, since i know he knows i am not a little girl, he is making fun of me.  And THAT i am totally down with. That was last week, this week i am now carrying a sparkly princess diaper bag that holds my diapers and wipes for the day, oh and my ring pop. i can not really communicate the feeling i had walking out of the house in the morning in my work clothes, high heels, feeling sexy, ready to kick ass and take names at work but also carrying my sparkly little girl diaper bag. Its all up in my head...my Master makes me wear a diaper, carry little girl accutremont and i have to do it if i want to keep him, and i need him so this is what i do. i sit at work in a wet diaper sucking on a ring pop, for all the world to see..they don't know the significance of any of it but i do. Mind blown. i have to say i was in a frenzy all day the day it happened. By the end of the day i was wanting not just to crawl to Mastered but crawl on my belly to him. To capitulate so totally in an area that offends me to the very core brought me to a level of desire that is hard to explain.  Every time i looked down under my desk and saw my bag i got a jolt- this is what Mastered wants, this is what he gets. It stripped a layer off of me, i felt raw and completely open. It was amazing how .....surrendered i felt.

i stopped today and picked up a real pacifier for these pictures, i thought it would make Mastered happy.

August 18, 2013

i am back, thank goodness, i missed creating these entries quite a bit.  But unfortunately it was one of the things that was contributing to me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Now that i have a bit of distance i can explain what was going thru my head when i stopped a little better. i was under a great amount of stress in my regular life and was feeling just utterly drained and frozen so every bit of energy and discipline i had was being used to maintain my activities with Mastered. i knew that wasn't what i should have been doing-so that caused me more stress, knowing that i should be using my energy to address regular life issues instead. Then it got so bad that even my activities with him got to be a chore, writing here was a chore. i felt like i couldn't breathe- i had my things i had to do during the day for Mastered and he would give me things to do at night plus i was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep the journal up and interesting and then the weekend tasks, all the while i knew i should be attending other things.  Honestly because i didn't feel that our relationship was of an emotional nature i tried not to let anything going on with me effect what we were doing until it got to a point where i couldn't do it at all . He kept pushing and i just kept doing, so he had no idea anything was up until i just had to stop cold.

i have, for quite a while, trusted Mastered implicitly to take me where i want to be in this lifestyle, physically and mentally.  i knew he cared for me but i thought of it as the way an employer wants happy, healthy employees-so that they can keep working. It did not occur to me that he may just care that i am happy and healthy without an ulterior motive. Because of that i didn't even give him the opportunity to work with me thru this tough time. But i am discovering there is a wide emotional range between being "colleagues" and being a "couple" that i can be open to exploring.  Perhaps we both were adhering too rigidly to the structure we had established for our relationship. i think we both have been great about being open minded and free on exploring the twists and turns my training has taken, allowing it to evolve and being able to accommodate the unexpected directions we take, but we didn't address that maybe the structure of how we related on a deeper level might need to evolve as well.

So there has been a small shift in my paradigm. Before i thought of this as a temporary situation, a month to month lease as it were. But if i think about it -this is probably the most perfect relationship with a man i could get.  During a conversation with Mastered he made a comment about something happening in the future and it made me think: why am i dismissing this relationship as temporary when it has already lasted longer than most relationships i have, when it makes me happier, contains less of the drama i so loathe? i am not a conventional woman so why not have a long term unconventional relationship? i am used to thinking that relationships just aren't for me, that they don't bring me the satisfaction that make them worth the effort. But look at the effort i devote to this already and i do it happily, eagerly. Sure if we were in person all the time i couldn't be this person BUT we aren't in person all the time. And even the long distance aspect works for me-it allows me certain freedoms and, frankly, i just have zero desire to have any one person around me all of the time, i am at heart a solitary person. So with this shift i am working towards being more emotionally accessible, letting go of the control of that area as well. This is a subtle shift so i doubt there is any difference in me that would be visible or any behaviors that i could point to and say "see that is new behavior" but it is an important realization for me.

One concrete difference you will see, in an effort, to maintain healthy balances is that before i felt badly if i only post here 1-2 times a week now i am only shooting for 1 to 2 times a week-i want what i put here to be a labor of love, not an obligation i churn out just to do it.


Alrighty, now on to the pervy stuff:

A week ago or so Mastered had me hump the toilet at work and i got video for him. This is short but for some reason i really like it. If you look close at the end you can tell i was excited.... i did the polite thing and when i was done, i licked the toilet clean.

Also one evening last week i was supposed to use my ruler to slap my cunt, i forget, for maybe 25 or 50 smacks but i forgot. i told Mastered the next day i had forgotten and asked if it would be alright if over the weekend i did 50 smacks 2 twice a day both sat and sunday. He agreed that would make up for my lapse. So he got 4 videos over the weekend, i am posting the first one. Enjoy!!

 

I also have added a white board that i enjoy calling my pig board to my bathroom wall. its hung so that i see it behind me in the mirror when ever i get ready. i put my litanies on it, goals and whatever keeps me reminded of my status.

Open for business

My first attempt at fiction:

Mastered and i are spending a night out on the town, all evening Mastered has casually and naturally called me “garbage” and “trash” when addressing me much the same way he calls me pig, just as he would use someone elses name. During lulls in regular conversation he will, out of the blue, point out that he now has me trained to perform acts paid hookers and crack whores wouldn’t do. These sudden attacks are like bolts of electricity straight to my cunt. One second I am talking about a movie I want to see and the next moment I am hearing that pigs don’t belong indoors watching movies, they should be rolling around in the garbage. Every time it happens I have to catch my breath, theres no point in trying to feign hurt feelings or pretend that I am offended-Mastered knows me and knows that while I may not agree with him my absolutely body does.
 

At one point Mastered starts speaking with another man at the bar-I cant hear anything they say and per my instructions when not being addressed by Mastered I sit with my hands in my lap, eyes cast down. After a while Mastered turns and leans close to my ear and starts speaking. Anytime at all that Mastered speaks to me I get weak, the timbre of his voice does something to me deep inside and if he speaks right into my ear it has such an effect on me that I can barely focus on what he is saying. So I am already dizzy with desire as I listen to him tell me that tonight I get to be the piece of trash pig slut I was born to be. He tells me to go out into the alley with all the other garbage and wait on my knees for this man to come to me. When I look at him, somewhat disbelieving, he just looks at me and asks “what are you?”.  There are so many answers to this question, so many litanies, pig, cockwhore, cunt, but the only thing that pops in my head tonight is trash so that is what I say. Mastered then says the thing I love to hear most, the thing that makes me purr “Good pig” and he actually taps me playfully on the ass and says “now go’. Reeling with desire, shame, excitement I go.
 

I quickly find myself kneeling in the alley, beside me is a smelly overflowing dumpster- I know the point that Mastered is making, that I am a nasty whore so willing to get fucked that I will do it anywhere and under the most foul circumstances, requires that I don’t try to escape my disgusting surroundings. The ground I am kneeling on is damp for reasons I don’t even want to think about. For all of the filth around me and all of the filth swirling in my head my cunt is dripping so that my thighs are wet, I can feel that I am getting wetter and wetter. The man from the bar approaches me, I am still looking down so all I see are his shoes as I hear the command “show me your tits”, ahhhh so banal, so predictable, but I am shaking as I pull the straps of my tank top down my arms to show my tits. I am very aware that there is a label on my chest, words I did not think much of earlier when Master wrote them across my tits, “Cum Dump”. Showing my label, and such an appropriate one at that, is humiliating and exhilarating-this is exactly where I want to be no matter what my brain is screaming at me. The man, seeing my label chuckles and steps closer to me, his foot going in-between my legs, kicking them open further. I scrape my knees on the dirty ground as I try to accommodate him.

 

 

With little fan fair he unzips his pants and pulls out his already hard cock, as soon as I see that I open my mouth and lean forward, without even realizing what I am doing, my body is on total auto pilot as my tongue swirls around this strangers cock. I taste his sweat, I taste that it has been a while since he showered and this seems right as well. I like the taste, well it is not so much that I like it but that it is what I want. I want to be the kind of whore that doesn’t miss a beat when that dirty taste hits her tongue. I want it to make me work harder. Any thing that would be disgusting to a normal woman I want to learn to love. After a minute or 2 I feel his hands grab my hair and he shoves his cock deep in my throat, I gag in response but try with all my might to relax and take it as he starts to fuck my face. While my mouth is assaulted by his cock my ears are assaulted by the noises I am making-the gagging, choking, slurping and sucking noises I cant control. Every time he pulls his cock out of my mouth strings of slobber run down my lips, as soon as i catch my breath his cock is in my mouth again- I have no technique, no style at this point – he is not getting a blow job from me he is just fucking a warm wet hole, I – me- am inconsequential.

He pulls his cock from my mouth but this time instead of just giving me a second to breathe he grabs me by the hair and pulls me to a standing position. I am breathing heavy, spit running down my face onto my tits blurring the words “cum dump”. He still has a handful of my hair causing me to lean towards him off balance. He turns me around and shoves me up against the side of the dumpster. I feel the grit and dirt on the side of the dumpster on my face, still sticky with spit, I feel my bare tits pressed against that nasty surface and I am just held there by his hand twisting in my hair, pressing me in place. “Pull up your skirt cunt”. I pull up my skirt, now twisting around my waist along with my top. If there is a way to feel more naked than actually being naked it is this-to have your clothes on but they are totally useless, sloppily pushed out of the way, twisted and awkward. A skirt hiked showing off your ass is one thing but your top pushed down and hanging uselessly and your skirt bunched unflatteringly at your waist is something all together different. It highlights your nakedness, highlights your awkwardness. “ Now spread your ass and show me this pighole I am supposed to fuck” he says. Physically I can do this, since he still has my face and chest pinned against the dumpster my arms are free to reach around and spread my ass for him, but this is the hard moment, when you know its all over. Especially for a pig like me-my asshole shows what I am, there is no mistake where I am meant to be fucked, my asshole is open and ready at all times. But I back up a tiny bit grab my ass and open myself up to this stranger. And he does......nothing!  Lots of men, when confronted with a hole to fuck will do so rapidly.  That makes things easier, then i know they aren’t really thinking, probably not really even seeing me. But that pause to look, to really really see this degraded bitch - that is hard to take. It seems like i am standing there for an hour bent over holding myself open, face and tits pinned to the dumpster.

The tension finally explodes from me in the form of a long moan of pure shame and humiliation and NEED. The man laughs and asks me "you like this don't you pig? What a piece of fucking garbage. You are right where you belong.", he pushes my face back and forth on the dumpster side and yells at me to answer. Once the word "Yes" is ripped from me i cant stop saying it. Over and over i am saying yes, i am still saying yes as his cock slide easily and deeply into my ass. There is always a moment when a man starts fucking my ass where i can tell they are shocked by how easily they can use that hole, years of training by regular women have taught them to go slow, to be careful. It takes them a minute to adjust to the fact they are NOT fucking a woman, that they are fucking a pig.  When they do realize it is okay to fuck me how ever they want they seem to go at it even harder, slamming their cock deep in me fast and hard. He is no different, after he takes his hand from my hair, he grabs my hips and pulls my body to him every time he thrusts. i am bent over more fully now, face close to a bag of trash. The word yes still tumbling out of my mouth with every thrust. The man is spewing hateful words, calling me trash, a pig, worthless and disgusting - and the word yes is still coming out of my mouth over and over, agreeing with every word he says. i am lost in my degradation, completely outside of myself. Concentrating on taking this cock as deep as i can, on serving my purpose-taking his cum deep deep deep inside me. I feel him speed up, he is hurting me with the pounding now but i try so hard to take it and just be a hole, a receptacle and finally i hear that moan, feel him shoot his cum in me, feel that pause, the moment i wait for to validate my existence: i feel his cum inside me.  After a moment i feel him pull out, feel cum begin running from my ass. i quickly turn and drop to my knees again and begin to clean his cock.  When he feels i have done an adequate job he just pushes me off of him. i lose my balance and wind up sitting awkwardly on the ground. He puts his cock back in his pants and walks towards me, sitting amidst the trash.  i have a flash that maybe he is going to help me up but when he gets close enough to do so and i look up expectantly, i instead see him purse his lips and a split second later i feel his spit hit my face. i am not shocked, how could i be, of course that is what he was going to do-this is what i should learn to expect. i just sit there waiting for him to leave so i can get myself back together and go find Mastered. But as a final insult i see a couple of crumpled dollar bills hit the ground in front of me, " Go buy your Master a drink on me".  i am crawling around, clothes still bunched at my waist, picking up the dollar bills as i whisper "yes Sir", i don't know that he even hears me as he walks away.

Now that i am alone i stand up and try to get my self together, pull down my skirt, pull up my top, brush off my knees and legs-there is some dirt i am going to have to wash off but if no one looks too close i think i will be fine.  I wipe his spit from my face, try to brush the grime from the dumpster off and wipe under my eyes as i imagine my makeup has run. When i think i look at least passable. i walk back into the bar and sit next to Mastered. i feel him looking me up and down as i sit down but i cant look at him. Instead i hand him the money and tell him what the man said. He flags down a bartender who comes over to see what he wants. When the bartender starts to speak i hear a weird tone in his voice, i cant look at him (as i not allowed) but i hear something in his voice. He takes Masters order but then leans in and says " i am really sorry but she cant stay in here, if she didn't look like such a mess i could ignore it but we all saw what happened, what she is and...well..look at her. i am really sorry".  Mastered just laughs and says "not a problem i totally understand. "  He turns to me and tells me to go wait out by the car. i am mortified, happy that i cant make eye contact with anyone as i walk out of the bar-i must be more of a mess than i thought and i just want to get out!!  I feel, real or imagined, everyone watching me, i hear male laughter, i feel like nothing as i escape the bar.  I almost run to the car but when i get there i realize, as the last indignity of the night that i don't have the car keys.  i lean against the car, panting and crying. i slide down the side until i am sitting on the ground and do the only thing i can: wait for my Master to finish his beer.

 

 

Closing Time

As my closing journal i wanted to do something i have been thinking of for a while.  Mastered had mentioned often he would love to see me serve at parties. This is my take on how that might look.

 

 

 

But i couldn't be left unsupervised.

 



Thank you Mastered for giving me this journal, and thank you everyone for supporting it-it has been a very special experience for me. This will be the last entry i think. i am not disappearing, i will be around SF, trying to figure out who i am on that site if i am not Mastereds Pig.

 

Happy 4th of July!!!

Here is a little something i whipped up for the 4th. Hope you enjoy!

 

 

(Yep, that's a sparkler in my cunt-ouch)

 

 

 

 

(sorry, about this one but i just love this pic of my ass lol)

 

June 30 2013

i have been wanting to take some naked yoga pics for the journal for awhile. i thought it might be appropriate because i have mentioned before-long ago- that sometimes the pain tasks take me to the same sort of clear mind place that yoga does. When you do yoga you focus on your breathing and it clears your mind, pain can do the same thing-quiet your internal dialogue. You would be surprised if you really think about it how rarely you are actually only thinking of one single thing or of nothing-even when you say your not thinking of anything you probably have at least 2 or 3 things in your mind.  I also use some of the yoga breathing to get me through some of the pain occasionally.  Today i did my 5k and even though that is about what i normally do on the treadmill when you are outside it is always tougher and this damn race ended on a mile of uphill (in 90 degree weather grrrr). So after i got home and got clean i thought i would do a little to loosen up and to finally take my pics. Anyone who knows yoga will know some of my positions are not perfect but i had to short cut to them to get the pics...and i added a non-standard accessory and i used my leash in place of the usually band. in my mind these were much prettier than they turned out but i am going to post them anyway.  Hope you enjoy:

 

Task Pics

sometimes i have good luck getting approved and some times i don't. this time not so much but happily i have this journal so here are the task pics and video:

 

you can hear me gulping and struggling at the very very beginning of the video.

June 28 2013

i wanted to pop in for a quick update-this week i have been a little discombobulated with Mastereds return and some unusual work duties but there are a few tidbits i wanted to share.

When Mastered took back over on Monday he was on a mission to torment my tits. On Monday i had to wear my clamps all day. i actually substituted binder clips just because they fit better under my bra, i don't usually like to use makeshift items but in this case i swear these things were actually created for sex games and office supply places just took them over.  I released them periodically to keep it safe but i am still sore from this treatment.  Then on Tuesday and Thursday i wore my tack bra and he had me sqeeze my tits hard every hour on the hour. Today i only had to icyhot them. Here is a pic of Mondays treatment with my slut label.

 

 

I also had to do a surprise cunt inspection upon his return. i submitted these at SF but they haven't come up yet and i think they have been rejected even tho i did not get a response since they are not BDSM-y but i know Mastered wants them seen so i will post them here.

 

 



I saved my favorite thing for last. Yesterday, which is oink day-meaning i cant speak to Mastered i can only oink when i need to say something, i got a slut label that was one of those electric bolts.  I don't know why, this phrase is not really even particularly sexual...it is just an insult. But i responded instantly, or at least my cunt did.  And all i could do is oink in frustration as i heard Mastered call me this as he came (what a great present that is-if i cant be there at least i get to hear his voice abuse me as he is cumming, i am getting excited just thinking about it-god i love that voice). I think he likes this name for me because he has been using it steadily since then and every time i hear it my cunt gushes...i don't know what is in me that responds to this:

June 22, 2013

Today i had a gynecologist appointment.  i thought i would share it, since Guest Master feels strongly about no privacy for slaves. i have mentioned before that i have medical "thing" but i never really brought it into real life mainly because it is virtually impossible to. But i thought that by sharing my regular exam i might be able to still get a vicarious thrill thru exposing yet another thing about me to anyone that reads this.

 

 

i approached this doctors appointment a little differently even from the way i scheduled it-the receptionist asked me if i had a preference for a male or female doctor.  In a previous life i would not have gone out of my way to get a female doctor but if the choice was presented to me, as it was in this case, i would have asked for a female.  BUT this time i said my preference was for a male, and going forward i will always be making that selection. Normally when you go to these apts you just say to yourself-eh they see tits cunts and assholes all day, they are professional no biggie. But this time i made sure to think that i was being examined by a MAN, not a doctor, but a man, a real PERSON..its a difference that is hard to explain.  i think you normally just think of them as automatons doing a job to make it as impersonal as possible so i was trying to make it as personal as possible.

Also there are things that i think that all "polite" gyno patients do for a visit-of course be clean, bring clean white socks. There are things that i do that i am not sure are universal...i try not to have sex the night before so that my holes don't look sloppy. i do have to say that since i don't normal consider "pleasing" a doctor i don't stress too much about shaving perfectly-just make sure it is tidy down there. I handled these things differently this time as well. i made sure i was perfectly shaved since my cunt and asshole were going to be on display-again in an effort to depersonalize you don't normally really think of it as "on display". i also spent about 2 hours the night before stretching out my asshole. i fucked my giant dildo, then just watched some tv with it still in, then fucked it some more, then watched some tv..you get the idea.  i wanted there to be no question when this professional looked at my holes what i do with my body. i was curious if he would ask about my sexual practices because of it.

So off i go to my apt yesterday morning-before doing so i checked and my asshole was still visibly open. After the obligatory hour wait i went to the room and put on the "gown",( crinkly paper-open down the front) and sat on the exam table to wait for the Dr.  There is very rarely an opportunity to feel as vulnerable and exposed in public as when you are at the drs, sitting on the table-the stirrups right there and visible on either side of you-you know where you are going to be in minutes and you are naked except for the stupid "gown". Then this tall older doctor walks in ( i think i am developing a thing for older guys-funny since i used to skew much younger than me) and talks to me for a little.  Then the exam begins.  He has me lay back with both of my arms above my head and pushes the gown aside and starts to massage my left tit, pushing on it, feeling all over. Now if he is paying attention he will get his first clue about me because when you use tit clamps a lot as i did the week before Mastered left you get these (or at least i do)  dark colored marks on each side of  your nipple that stay on for a week or two so i am laying there with a strange MAN holding my tit, clearly viewing evidence that my body is meant for abuse.  Then he moves to the other tits, likewise marked and i say something as close to inappropriate i as i ever will and tell him that he does the exam so well it almost feels good. This was not something i planned, at the time i just felt like saying it and didn't realize it was inappropriate until it was out of my mouth. i am guessing just a side effect of my lowered boundaries.

Then it was time for the pelvic exam. i scooted down and put my feet in the stirrups so that my holes were accessible. My exam  starts with the doctor still standing beside me and pushing on my stomach, feeling for lymph nodes (or something) etc then he moved down to put his fingers  inside of my cunt hole while pushing on my stomach. I felt his fingers go inside me-a tight fit- and wiggle around. Its a very slave feeling to have a mans fingers inside your holes and he doesn't even look down at you.  After feeling around my cunt hole he slips his finger in my asshole, now this has to be his second indication that something was up with my body because i could tell it was easier for him to put his finger in my asshole than when he slid it in my cunt. He wiggles them in my asshole for a minute and then pulls out, still without looking at me or talking to me.

Then we move onto the internal exam.  But before we do he walks away to get his instruments or something. This is always an uncomfortable time because i am just laying there legs up and spread but just left there and ignored-again a very slave feeling. But at long last he rolls his stool over and places himself in between my legs. This is another hard time during the exam because a man is truly looking directly at your most intimate areas, then they always pull the light over to get an even better look and you can feel the heat from the light right on your cunt.  At this point you have no secrets, there is no where to hide or pretend that anything other than exactly what is happening is happening. When he initially rolls up i found my self clenching in an effort to keep my asshole closed, at the moment of truth i found myself embarrassed that i have a stretched open asshole but i made myself relax so that my body would be natural-i decided to be a pig for Mastered so that is what i look like now-so be it.  i know just from the picture si have taken in different poses that in this position my asshole is probably open about 3/4 of an inch-not a normal look.  I feel his fingers pull my cunt lips apart, opening me even more, i feel a finger or two inside of my cunthole again. His fingers now pulling my actual hole open for visual inspection. Then i hear, and all you ladies know it, "your going to feel some pressure". This means it is time for the speculum.  i could feel the foreign object slide inside of me and open. This means that my hole is WIDE open now. Speculums lock open so that the Drs can use both hands for something else. i am laying there with an object protruding from me holding my hole open while the Dr grabs a swab to put deep in that hole. That is what all of this is about for those that don't know-to open you up so the doctor can visually inspect you inside but also so they can take a swab from deep in your cervix ( this is always painful for me).

Then the exam is over, he pulls out the speculum, sometimes if they have used a lot of lube you feel it dripping down your cunt to your asshole.  There are always a couple of minutes again where you are still laying in the stirrups - open, sore and dripping while he talks to you..YES actually has a small convo with you while he is standing like a normal person and you are still laying there in the most undignified, exposed way possible.

There are aspects of even a normal gynecological apt that are dehumanizing and degrading.  But i wish so hard that i could find a doctor that was into the whole BDSM thing-to have a real doctor in a real doctors office really treat me like a pig and not have to be polite and adhere to all of these rules about nurses and all that junk there to protect my dignity and make sure that nothing untoward happens. That is probably one of my deepest darkest fantasies.

But here is the sad part-the whole reason i started thinking i would journal about this is because i was going to try to take a picture while i was in the stirrups-again honoring GMs idea that nothing is private for a slave. i even brought my good camera with me (along with my white socks). After the doctor was done (i had additional procedures that were painful and left me a little shock-y) he told me to take as much time as i need before coming back to his office so i was like "whoo hoo i can def get my pics now".  BUT just (and i swear this is true) as i was bending over to get my camera out of my purse the nurse WALKED RIGHT BACK  IN WITHOUT KNOCKING to check on me-had it been minutes later she would have found me legs up taking a pic!!!!!! After that i lost my nerve for taking pics. But i hope you enjoy my description even lacking pictures-i know there are some that are into this stuff like i am so this is for you guys!

June 17 2013

So as promised- or teased - here is my pig slut adventure from this weekend:

I had a happy hour at my house on Friday, just 10-15 old friends hanging out on the deck nothing fancy.  My best friend K brought one of his buddies named G along.  In the spirit of full disclosure i will tell you that G and i had fucked before, several times in a vanilla fashion, very casually just when we ran into each other but that was, geez, about 5 years ago. Since then we have definitely seen each other but neither one of us was into it enough to make the effort. Starting out it seemed that would be the case on Friday too. Truth be told he gets on my nerves and is kind of loud and obnoxious, lol, at one point in the evening made him move away from me and go sit by the other loud guys so we could segregate them.  But as the evening progressed i loosened up and my pig brain kicked in. i started thinking about the stuff Guest Boss and i had discussed, about what is more degrading: being a urinal or riming assholes. (to digress) i replied that to me the meaning of the name pig is that i will willingly and happily do those sex acts that even other sluts might find too disgusting...i am not now but i would love to be a pig that will happily- pig tail wagging stick my tongue in any asshole put in front of me, i also replied that i think being pissed ON, particularly in the face is more degrading than being a urinal..maybe because it is visible and messy..i don't know why i just know that it is.  And i love that thought, though i was proud to be Mastereds urinal when we were together, i really really would have enjoyed leaving his hotel room with the smell of his piss on my skin and in my hair....god what a perfect shameful pig moment that would be..the walk of shame out of the hotel  AND smelling like a piss whore.  At any rate these are the things i had been thinking about for a couple of days.  Now back to the action...i am not sure at what point i decided i would get G to use me but even when i figured i might as well since he was there i still was not really thinking he would do any of the previously mentioned acts.  i pretty much just figured we would go up stairs and he would use my pighole and then leave and that would be about the size of it.

Since i knew him it wasn't so weird to explain he could only fuck my ass and why (i think you know i am not to shy about my situation with my friends).  So we get to my room and again i strip immediately and put my ass up for use. BUT i had not guest-proofed my room and my giant dildo was right on my night stand..it is not exactly a small item, it tends to draw attention. And of course G commented on it..something like "Jesus Christ what is that??".  Well i admit i got a little proud then and explained that it was what i used to stretch my ass so i could take pretty much any cock and i offered to show him. Shockingly he was eager to see so i knelt and placed it on the floor and started riding it- in pretty short order it was filling my ass and i was fully fucking it.  G asked if he could fuck me with it so i moved from kneeling over it to being ass in the air with this giant dildo sticking out of me and he grabbed it and started fucking me with it.  I think he was a very happy man. After a while of amusing himself that way he pulled it out, leaving my gaping hole open for him and he took full advantage - he fucked me until he came deep in my asshole.

As we were recovering i asked if he would do me a favor, which of course at that point he was happy to accommodate.  i asked him if he would please piss on me, in my face before he left.  Now this is a pretty vanilla guy-not judgemental, just regular old vanilla, alot of these things just don't occur to people as being really possible.  i saw my request sink in and register and he did not look unhappy. Of course i gave the disclaimer: if it makes you uncomfortable yadda yadda yadda.  But he was all for it!!! So much so in fact i started getting distracted by something and he kept pushing me to the shower.  i got in the shower on my knees and i looked up at him as he handled his cock and before i knew what was happening i felt a blast of piss right on my face- i didn't try to get away, i didn't flinch- if anything i pushed my face forward to get more of it.  Twice i opened my mouth and had it filled with piss and swallowed. It felt like it went on forever -this warm stream of piss getting in my hair, on my face running down my body that was already leaking cum from my used asshole.  Oh it was perfect!!!!  When he was finally done i took his cock in my mouth and cleaned him.  He got dressed and left but before he did, i think i remembering him saying "you have unleashed a monster".

I was so happy at the pisswhore i was, that i just toweled off and left most of that piss drying on my body.  i fell asleep dirty and covered with piss and oozing cum out of my pighole.  Much much much more satisfying than my last adventure.

June 16 2013

I am still here!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, i have been very busy in general and my Guest Boss has been keeping me busy as well. Everything is going well, in fact a conversation with him inspired me to request that the man that used me this weekend piss on me before he left....how is that for a teaser?? i will try to write more about it tomorrow.

Hang in there please, i will be back!!

June 7 2013 part 2

Well it looks like i went from not having too much to say to having an abundance of things i want to post.  This one is short and sweet i just wanted to share a little shopping spree i went on today on my favorite place ever: Amazon!

First i got these, because i really really want to try them and hopefully they will become part of my weekly schedule:
                         
    

   

 


Then i ordered this because the new egg i got was cheap and loud and since i wear it all day at work i need a better quality one and i have had good luck with Doc Johnson products:

                         
   

    

 

But my favorite thing i ordered is a charm for my Pandora bracelet-that will always always remind me of Mastered and what i am:

 

   

 

 

In the spirit of full disclosure i also purchased the book World War Z, because i am desperate for the zombie apocalypse to start but i want to be ready for it so i have to do good research before hand.

                         

   

 

June 7 2013

 

Yesterday Mastered wasn't able to work with me so he passed me off to my "Guest Master" (who will henceforth be known as "Guest Boss"). He tormented me very effectively throughout the day and kept me very focused on my role as cunt and pig-with a big focus on loss of privacy of thought which is probably one of the last bastions i have of "secrecy".(i think i will write more on that at a different time). This journal is about the last task he gave me for the day. He knew i would be going out last night so he ordered me to go braless to the bar and to icyhot my clit periodically throughout the night. WELL! that began a comedy of errors that i am still smiling about today.

First let me explain that it is not uncommon for me not to wear a bra. Until i turned 35 or so and picked up some weight i actually NEVER, and i mean never, wore a bra. So even though i do wear one now on a regular basis it is not really a natural or comfortable thing for me and the minute i get in the house i will take it off. If i am having company causally at the house i will not be wearing one and sometimes i just say fuck it and go out without one depending on my mood. When i do that, though, i generally am wearing something that doesn't make it blatantly obvious. But my bralessness is a common enough occurrence that my friends joke about how you can always tell how cold it is by looking at me. 

So it wasn't a super big deal to go out without one last night but in the spirit of things i chose a light colored, thin, clingy t-shirt to make it very evident that i was braless. This is what i looked like before i even left the house.

 

 

 

 

Now i also wasn't really worried about this because my middle of the week bar is small and dead and poorly lit, there is usually just me and my friend and, like, 4 other people there. Plus, of course, we know the bartenders. So just to recap: clingy light t-shirt, meeting a friend at a dead poorly lit bar. What could go wrong??????????????????

SO! i walked into the bar and was stunned to see about 30 people crammed into it- since we normally go out on Wednesdays i had totally forgotten that thursday is TRIVIA NIGHT! Seriously? Yes, seriously the bar was packed. BUT i steeled myself and thought "i am sure not everyone is noticing my insanely hard nipples poking into the super thin fabric, they are busy playing trivia" and with that thought in mind i walked into the bar to try to find a seat. Fortuitously there were just 2 empty stools left at the bar and i grabbed them, sat myself down and got comfy. Once i was settled i noticed that in this poorly lit bar there were some bright lights..for instance the recessed light that was shining DIRECTLY DOWN ON ME!!! Yes -how you are picturing it is exactly how it was: i was essentially IN A SPOT LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am certain that because of the angle the light was not just illuminating me but was actually highlighting my tits specifically!!  At this point i was pretty much stunned into acceptance. Okay, i thought, my tits are clearly going to be seen and noticed by every single person in the bar- this not only included the ogling dudes but also the judge-y chicks as well- i justtried to embrace it. Then just as i was getting to a level of comfort with the situation and was chatting with the bartender the trivia host came up to the bartender and - i swear swear swear this is true- said "I AM BURNING UP, CAN YOU TURN UP THE AC"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i almost fell out of my chair. 

So again to recap: thin clingy tshirt, crowded bar, under spot light, AC cranking at 65. Yep that was my night. i am convinced there were forces conspiring against me!! With every added indignity it just got funnier and funnier. i ducked into the bathroom to take a pic of what i was dealing with:

 

 

 

 

But even though this task had become an absurd joke at my expense i did continue to stick with it and stay focused on looking and acting the way Guest Boss wanted me to: i specifically started talking to a table of guys there for trivia and made sure i did not cover up or disguise the fact that you could cut glass with my nipples. i am a pretty unselfconscious girl but i have to say that this was sooooooooo blatant it took a fair amount of will power to not cross my arms or hunch forward - but i didn't. And i think my efforts were appreciated- didn't pay for a drink all night, lol. And, no, i did not get used, so don't even ask-it was a school night people!

 

All in all i would have to say that the first, i guess, "official" order from Guest Boss probably was a huge success from his perspective.

June 5 part 2 for Professorknight and SSMM



As requested on SF Sirs.

 

 

June 5, 2013

i haven't been posting a lot of writing lately and i just realized its because i think i have to post something thoughtful or something i am struggling with or learned, something with some substance but since i seem to be settling into my place there is not that much going on in those areas so i was stumped about content.  But then i thought, you know, this started with just a journal of what was going on in my day and there have been changes in that and some things that people might find entertaining.

The very very very first thing i do every day is roll over and check my email for Masters selection of my outfit - because the very very very last thing i do every night is send him 2 outfits to chose from.  On weekends he doesn't do that but i still get a good morning email and it is literally the first thing i see everyday. i like the way Mastered has handled this from the start, he didn't give me some ridiculous or unrealistic dress code (other than i have to wear skirts or dresses mon-thurs) or tell me to buy anything specific so i still get to be myself, have my style, but his is always the final word on how i leave the house.  It is a nice way to start the day and checking at night is a nice way to end the day.  Over the course of the past 9 months i have missed the evening check in twice. Oddly those are not the nights that i go out (usually Wednesdays) but the nights i stay in and accidentally fall asleep early.  The truly hysterical part about this and i might have mentioned this before is that i would (and still will) tell any man who expected me to "check in" to fuck off real quick! But you know when it comes to Mastered all my bets are off. lol.  As far as clothing choices go i have always enjoyed dressing for my "man" but would not really ever ask his opinion, because that might lead him to believe it mattered, lol-oh how the might have fallen!!! But that being said i have always been and enjoy being very feminine in appearance.

So that is the first thing in the morning and probably not news to anyone who has been reading for awhile but there is another part of my morning now. Everyday is some kind of "day" now and some involve wardrobe. This hasn't officially been written into the rules but it has been in effect for 2 or three weeks now and Mastered seems to enjoy it.  So here is my unofficial weekly schedule:

Mondays are "clean up pig day".  This entails me going into the restroom after any woman i notice to lick the toilet. If i don't notice or don't see i go in every hour. i hate this day and i don't mean "oh i hate it but deep inside it turns me on". Nope, just hate it.  And i have to say it is because i work with unattractive women for the most part. i know it sounds silly that it makes a difference but it does. Don't ask me why.

Tuesdays are "tack day". This entails wearing my tack bra and panties all day.  i always start the day thinking this is going to be a huge pain in the ass (as it were) but after the initial adjustment period while i drive to work i wind up enjoying this day. Mastered will either give me a schedule or sometimes just pop up randomly to make me squeeze my tits and go press my cunt up against the edge of the sink to press the tacks in my tender parts even more. i always wind up humping the sink a little - that's a visual i love-so horny and debased i will hump anything. i don't know why but the word hump drives me crazy-i think because it just makes you think of animals, just a mindless act..something along those lines. i love it! But by the afternoon i am ready to rip my clothes off to get rid of the irritation.  That's what it is, constant constant constant irritation broken up periodically by some sharp biting pain. But overall i like tack day-keeps me focused and aroused even while i am horribly uncomfortable.

Wednesdays are, as you know, "diaper day".  Well covered territory.

Thursdays are a combo: "oink day" and "rope G-string day".  i could live without the G-string, really doesn't do too much for me except break up the lines of my outfits. But sometimes if i string it just right it can be irritating and stimulating. Even with that though this is my FAVORITE day and i have talked about it a little in other blogs. For those that don't know on this day i am only allowed to speak with Mastered or anyone affiliated with this experience with one oink for no and two oinks for yes. This works on sooooooo many levels and i soooooooo recommend it to anyone else, even if you don't do the oinks just the restriction to yes or no is soooooooo clarifying. No "buts" or "ifs" or "well.." or "i think..".  On one level you realize how little of what you say is really needed, on another level you are constantly feeling the restrictions placed on you.  i think i have said it before but the loss of speech causes actually tension in your body that keeps you on edge constantly. And i would say on this day Mastered (and company) is/are downright gleeful, tormenting me, reveling in my limitations. I think knowing that i am squirming, wiggling with frustration and excitement (because this day above all other EXCITES me) makes him very happy. i could go on about this day but i am pretty sure i have covered it other places.

And lastly Friday is "vibrator day".  This entails me wearing my egg vibrator buried in my cunt and on all day. This is my second favorite day, or maybe third...i don't know, lol. I find myself trying to grind into my chair, rocking back and forth, its all very wanton. But i do think that these eggs are not meant to run all day, last Friday my cunt killed my back up egg..so off to the store i go, lol.

i have been trying really hard to be financially responsible lately so i have not gotten the ben wa balls i told Mastered i would but once i do i am hoping "rope G-string day" will be replaced with "ben wa ball day".

So there you have my unofficial week schedule of torments and tests...but please don't think that this is everything because Mastered is a BIG fan of the icyhot treatments and will throw in an occasional clothes pin or make me go hug the toilet since "i love the toilet so much"...so yeah, he is by no means limited by my "days" activities.  I will say this is nice because i know what is coming but i think if i had my way Wednesday would stay diaper day and the others would be rotated as a surprise to me....but he likes structure, so i like structure.

And just for old time sake, and because i laughed out loud when i got my slut label today:

One task pic not posted on SF

This one pic got denied on SF, though I have had good luck there recently. I like this one, not just because it showed my clean up efforts but also because it showed my.... what did I call it in my blog?...my fuck stool.

 

 

Just because

Just because who doesn't like a good cucumber in the cunt shot? It's a classic.  Is it wrong that I am going to cut it up and put it on my sandwich now?