October 8, 2013

Ahh the ebbs and flows. i always get secretly worried when the intensity level between Mastered and i gets below, say an, 8. Which i know is stupid, i know that we do every well intensity-wise particularly for our long distance situation and i know that it is impossible to maintain a 10 at all times what with pesky life getting in the way and just general moods. But when we go from a high to a calmer vibe i start to think: have we exhausted our interests, run out of places to go? Of course the answer is no-that's just life. i just woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be an up week and based on how it has started i was right.

Where to begin? Well, i post a lot of pictures both here and on SF and i know there are nameless, faceless masses that have seen me in a variety of compromising positions, nothing about my body is private-but when i think of those masses its more of an abstract concept.  Yes i know they are out there possibly (hopefully) jerking off to me, objectifying me, they are the guys that don't read the blogs, don't care about the context they just want to see tits, cunt and ass. So i get it: i am nothing but a thing to them but i since they are nameless and faceless it is hard to take it personally. Then there are the regular people, members who comment regularly or who i joke with on their pages on SF, i know these people have seen the same pics and i  know that i have nothing that is private from them either but by virtue of those comments or conversations it is hard to feel really truly like an object, i know they know "me". Then there are the guest Masters, they may have (i don't remember if this happened but i don't see why it wouldn't) gotten pictures that Mastered told me to send just to them so they also see my public pics plus maybe something extra. But with them there is also conversation, a interaction on some level that involves me as a person contributing to the dialogue.

 But then there are some people that Mastered mentions occasionally that just talk to him about me -they don't comment on my pics or blogs they don't pm me - i generally have no idea what they and Mastered talk about, i might know a screen name or get a copy of an email but i am not invited to participate, it is not required or relevant or welcomed. When M mentions that he has had one of these convos or sends me an email copy i do feel well and truly like an object, a thing. These aren't people that think my personality is charming or that what i write is interesting, as near as i can tell i am just a thing that is a product of Ms training. This excites me. One of these people that speaks with Mastered lives kind of close by me and has spoken to Mastered about using me. Those 2 talk about it and i read the email exchanges to find out what will happen to me. Its offensive and fabulous.  I am pretty sure this person doesn't read anything i write or visit this blog- i am just a body to him. Today Mastered offered that i would take pictures for him if he was interested. Apparently he was and asked Mastered for open cunt and ass pictures. So this feels different to me than taking my regular pictures, although there are about 100 pictures of my cunt and ass out there these are completely impersonal, sent to someone that does not acknowledge me. i feel like i have to submit them for approval or something. i feel like i am being shown like a horse: you pull up the gums and look at a horses teeth to check for suitability, check their hooves, in my case you open the holes to see if they are acceptable. Clearly it goes without saying although i feel weird and a little violated by this presumption it is making me crazy hot. This is the ideal, a true stranger, a complete lack of verbal participation by me and utterly reduced to a set of holes-no input from me required because..who cares? This feels right. i am a happy pig tonight, put right in my place.

Since the pics are specifically for someone i wont post them here, but honestly do you want to see yet another picture of my cunt or big pighole? lol. But here is something else to keep you entertained:

And lastly to file under the category of slutty behavior. i had some guys in to paint a couple of rooms in my house and all day sunday as they worked this is what i ran around in.  it didn't even occur to me that it was inappropriate until i saw one of them out on sunday night and the hug he gave me was unusually, noticeably more friendly than normal. lol.

October 6, 2013

HI everyone!! It has been a while. For some reason i am just not getting inspired to write. A couple of weeks ago i had a very intense week with Mastered and it was kind of private ( i think i mentioned it in a blog) so i didn't write about it and i think that kind of stumped me-its so odd to not write about everything, and i didn't really know where to go from there-it threw me off my stride blog-wise. But i miss it and i have had things to write about but i just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I also think my difficulty in writing is because of Mastereds upcoming trip to see me. i think i am more nervous than i want to admit. i am the kind of person that it is so important to me to power thru everything, man up and not cave to being nervous-never let 'em see you sweat, that I don't even acknowledge to myself  when i am scared - it just comes out in different behaviors and then after a while i'm like: oh! i see now why i am acting like this. Mastered and i have been together before but to put it in perspective it was 2 months after we met. We were no where near where we are today. it was fabulous but it was only 1 day and it was mainly whipping and fucking not the level of mental intensity we are at now. What if i am not up to it, or if even going as hard and taking as much as i can i disappoint? What if i truly don't like some things, how do i deal with that? AND on top of all that the company i work for was just bought out last week. It seems as though everything will be fine but it was a stressful week. The change also effects how much i can speak with Mastered during the day since i have had to be super on the ball, but it leaves me missing him and not that inspired when i don't get my Mastered time. lol

But during this little break i have had 2 comments that i wanted to answer more thoroughly than normal. First i got this great comment:

"G`day slave J I want to tell you I have followed your life as you open up to "no more hiding" you have become the most beautiful person -- your body and personality is much more open now .
I would like to see some more pics of inside all your holes -- your mouth ,your cunt ,your arsehole and your piss hole if your owner approves
Your master is doing a very good job of training you to be very open for all of us .I hope you remain this open for the rest of your life You give me the feeling that I own a little part of you ."

I have mentioned before that i have this medical fetish thing, and every picture i see on SF with a speculum makes me jealous. i am not sure that is specifically what this commenter meant but the phrasing made me think of wide open holes. So my project this weekend is to buy speculums-vaginal and anal, we shall see where this leads. There is just something about holes held open, not stretched and filled but held open, there is an extreme vulnerability to it. It is also appealing in that it is not how the body is supposed to work-it is abnormal to be open  like that. There are  things called anal rings that you can wear the hold your asshole open-kind of like a hollow anal plug that i am looking at but they are expensive. But that fascinates me-how it would feel to just walk around like that. Too bad there isn't that handy dandy muscle ring in a cunt so that all of these things could happen to a cunt too!

The other comment that i wanted to answer was this:

"Glad to see you are back and thank you to share your slave training / update. Please could you ask Mastered if you can provide an update on your diaper day? You have well explained the feeling but more a documentation of the diaper day e.g. when you buy the pack of diaper, how your store them, at what time you wet them, at what time you change them and picture of you wearing the diapers."

Diaper day still occurs but i had stopped writing about it, kind of on purpose, just because i felt like i was writing about it all the time. i know it is not for everybody but when i think about it there are a couple of things that really make us human beings, grown up human beings. One is speech and that is why i like oink day-it take that humanness away. Yes Mastered may still address me and i still can answer but i am limited to 2 words, essentially. And of course those responses are animal noises. The other thing that is an essential part of awareness and ownership of our own bodies is control of our  bodily functions. So diaper day is also a very powerful for me. To answer some of the specific questions in the comment. Buying the diapers is the WORST part- i don't get the fake baby diapers that you order on line i just get adult diapers at the drug store. So of course they are the last thing that i grab on a shopping trip. i get them at a drug store so i don't have a cart or anything i just carry them to the register and there is no way, no angle that you can hold them that doesn't show you are carrying a big bundle of diapers. i try to stand there as proudly as i can while i am in line- i hope people think i am buying them for my grandmother or something. In line is not so bad because i don't HAVE to look at or acknowledge anyone but at the counter of course the 18 year old kid behind the counter has to pick them up, ring them up and there is ALWAYS the glance directly at me after they realize what they are. So the public buying is a bit difficult. I have thought of ordering online the specialized ones but they are bulkier (on purpose) and would be more evident under my clothes. But since Mastered has incorporated the Daddy/ little girl(ugh) aspect of it i have thought more and more about getting them.  At any rate on diaper days i only piss when Mastered tells me its okay, which he does about every hour and half, i can ask if i have an emergency but that is usually about an automatic 15 minute wait. i haven't ever had to wet myself without permission-Mastered doesn't set me up to fail. I change a couple times a during the day. It would be insanely expensive if i changed every time i pissed so most of the time my diaper is wet to a greater or lesser degree when i am at work. i don't actually mind too much as that is what reminds me of my predicament. The diapers are made now to be as unnoticeable to the wearer as possible now but by the time for a change my diaper is swollen and puffy. i have to remember to hide them deep in the trash when i change at work.  i carry a princess bag (pics in a prior blog) that holds my diapers and wipes for the day and just carry it with me like i do my purse. People at work think i am making an ironic statement about Disney princesses by carrying it around. Mastered has mentioned that he may just put me in diapers 24/7 for a month or so, and just let me go whenever. i have doing some reading and you begin to get un-potty trained if that goes on for a while. Between the diapers, pissing outside and having to piss in my slop bucket here at home my body has already grown confused to a certain extent and i find that i have close calls more frequently. This brings me back to the original thought of this paragraph and that is that you lose a bit of your humanity when you are not in control of your bodily functions. i am conflicted but part of me likes the idea that Mastered would take that privilege from me, its a modification that can be managed in real life so its doable and i like the idea of truly behaving like a pig, an animal and living more instinctively and with less awareness of myself. Diapers are also good for punishment, i am adding a pic that i took for Mastered months ago but was too ashamed to share but i am going to push my self and put it out there. i don't remember what i did to deserve this, if anything, or if Mastered just felt like making me do it.

 

 

i am also adding a pic taken since we incorporated the daddy/little girl aspect, Mastered wanted to see me with a full diaper and a stuffed animal since i am a little girl. i do not like either of these pics but i don't want to get in the habit of hiding things. (i find the heels with the stuffed animal a but schizophrenic but, you know Mastered-heels no matter what, lol)

 

And lastly, something else i have been a little embarrassed to show. Mastered likes to send me GIFs an pics periodically thru out the day and i never know what i will find when i open them. A lot of times it is girls licking assholes, but it could be anything. One oink day Mastered sent me this pic with the caption "for my dumb fucking pig".      i thought this was so cruel. i was a total gut punch when i opened it. But i saved it, in fact made it my screen saver at home so whenever i see it i remember that Mastered sees me as his dumb dirty pig, that is what i am. Ahh i feel a little better, hope you enjoy.

Sept 25, 2013

i'm still here, just haven't had the time to sit down and write anything. But a couple of days ago Mastered said i should go back to some old pictures and see how far i have come, and i say with a straight face they were fond memories. Here are a couple that i really liked either just because i like the pic or because the task was one of my favorites.

Sept 20 2013

I have another in the corner time series, but this one is tougher to stay in position and hurts more. i have no idea what it is in me that causes me to torture MYSELF. Mastered has that fully under control yet once i get an idea for a pic in my head i cant get it out until i do it. Sooooooo...

 

 

 

Looks just like i am kneeling in the corner, right? Maybe a slightly odd tilt to me but that's it.

 

But here is what is going on in front of me:

 

 

(from above)



This actually hurt like hell during filming of this project (lol) and even worse after. Since my tits were pulled up while i was hanging on the wall when i unhooked myself (but kept the clamps on) the change of direction of the pull REALLY hurt (loved it).

Task 36

 

 

North

 

 

 

 

West

 

 

 

 

East

 

 

 

And lastly South, because those tropical storms are unpredictable, sometimes you have to wait for them to come.

 

 



Sept 17, 2013

One of the things that i know will happen during Master visit is corner time, in our case this is not so much a form of punishment but simply to get me out of his way when i am not in use. This sounds awesome and exactly how someone who wants to be treated as an object would want. i am looking forward to it. Completely unnecessary and even a potential nuisance when not being of use as a fuckhole, urinal, whipping target. Can you imagine, to be utterly dismissed as a person, with a simple gesture or a nod, a flick of his hand (that gesture was what got me hooked on Mastered in the first place)? My favorite thought about it is to be happily chatting about something and with absolutely no warning have him send me to the corner, again not because i did anything wrong but just because he is simply done talking to me-i imagine the crestfallen look on my face, hurt that he doesn't want to hang out with ME, that he has become bored with what ever stupid pig thing i am talking about.  So Mastered will be picking a corner for me and when sent to it i will quietly remain face down ass up, holes showing until called.

 Now as i said this SOUNDS like heaven but the reality is after a certain point you just get bored, i have somewhat tested this out and i get antsy pretty quick, sure when it is in real life and he is near me and the possibility of a crop landing on me if i fidget too much might prolong my ability to stay still and complacent in the corner, but as much as we try to rid me of these pesky human behaviors i WILL get antsy. So for my own benefit and also just to send some fun pics to Master, i have been experimenting a little with corner time and oddly it turns out that if something is happening to me, say gigantor nestled snugly in my pighole or my cunt pulled painfully wide by clips attached to my heels it serves to distract me from the time and rather than the pain or discomfort making me count the minutes i actually kind of sink into a BIT more. Now the key to these 2 additions is that the basic position i am in is a resting position so i don't really have to worry about balance or knees hurting or any of that, which i think is an important consideration (but who cares what i think).

 

Sept 12, 2013

I wanted to do a quick update tonight. Its amazing how quickly i can be rejuvenated by just a little quiet time and reflection. Mastered sent me out tonight to get a glass of wine by myself-no friends no craziness.  Just a chance to sit quietly and just reflect on the last couple of days, i thought about what capable hands i find myself in, what an amazing honest strong smart man Mastered is and how he knows how to bring out the best in me. i'm just calm now, peaceful.

And i had a little present i bought myself waiting at the house when i got home. I am trying a new pighole plug. i really don't mind anything about wearing my current one except for that pokey part at the end. i just always feel liker it is going to hurt me, even after all this time and it really is uncomfortable in a bad way. So i decided to finally get off my butt (get it?? get off my butt, har har) and try a new rounded one. It is larger and the reviews say it can be hard to get in specifically because it is not pointy. But in about an hour i will be testing that. Not worried about the size, its still smaller than gigantor so BRING IT.



 

The old is on the left, new on the right.

 

 

Update after trying: Success!!

 

 

 

i am a moron for not doing this sooner!! Went in like a champ!! i am full and stretched but i can move much better and as an added bonus the base is fatter and round so it doesn't fit in my ass crack-makes me more aware of it and in things like leggings i might just be a little worried it would show....oooooo fun!!

Sept 11, 2013

Oh so much has happened in my head this week. i'm going to try to get it out of my head and down on paper so i can stop being hyper-stop the round and round going on in me. Though i would love dearly to feel this way every minute of the day i have to be able to concentrate on other things.

Anyhow as you may have seen from my previous post Monday was not a good day workwise. i was in a rage at work, that might be a BIT of an overstatement but not much.  Then Mastered said something, i don't even remember what now, that also made me angry, angry at him. Sometimes when i have things coming at me in the regular world, poking at me from several directions, getting an order or being chided for something by my Master makes me want to scream "JUST GET OFF ME".  But i swallowed it, i said "yes Sir", "no Sir" and i separated what was happening outside with what is important. Then suddenly i found myself desperate, in a frenzy wanting more of Mastered pushing me, provoking me, more immediate demands on my servitude. i wanted to be immersed, fall into degradation or pain that just simplifies things...maybe that is why the craving becames stronger as my agitation got stronger. i didn't want to escape into submission but i wanted things to be YES or NO. Maybe the connection is that when i am not getting my way in regular life i still have to fight, still have to try to make things happen so during those times there is no certainty. With my submission there is certainty and it is certain that i lose, that i submit, that not only do i not get what i want but what i want is not even a factor. It is not necessarily easier being submissive but at least it is done, its decided, it is clear where i stand. So saying all of that by the end of Monday i was pulled taut like a wire, but open and needy for anything Mastered said, anything he wanted, i myself was fantasizing ways i could show my complete capitulation. i fell asleep thinking, dreaming of pain, humiliation and sex in many extreme ways.

Tuesday i woke up still keyed up, still desperate. Mastered started going after me hard early in the day - in terms of what his goals are for me what he expects me to do, not in a bad way just very...determinedly. i responded by being inspired by his focused attention and still open from the previous day, i was anxious to push and expose myself further and i wound up mentioned something that had been an unofficial limit. Right away Mastered responded positively and you know that sent me into another level! Is there anything that will make you MORE devoted more eager than simple approval???? The rest of the day was spent with Mastered explaining, how i had descended further, come closer to being what i was born to be.  I never purposefully hide anything or lie to Mastered, there are somethings like this "limit" that hadn't come up organically or that i felt wasn't my place to suggest...but now that we have discussed it i see that maybe it was always lurking in the background and i was scared of it because now i feel utterly liberated.  Again i never purposefully hid anything but now i feel like Mastered knows every dark corner of my mind, knows how low i am. i was euphoric on Tuesday but that is also the really really hard part of being ling distance-there is no physical way for me to express my euphoria, the frustration is a physical sensation inside me. Its like my body is empty inside and there is this energy that just bounces around inside me looking for a way to escape. If i could perform an action or even touch Mastered the energy could get out but until i do that it just pinballs around inside of me keeping my body and mind under this luscious stress. But i did find myself crying as i drove later on Tuesday..Mastereds words reverberating in my head: "you are lower than everyone else" and i just wanted to throw myself at his feet, thank him, not just have him hear me say it but see my gratitude in action, gratitude for understanding and accepting everything about me. i think the crying was my body and brain trying to get the energy OUT of me, but it was no release.

Today i was still raw and open, it is the day of the week when i am Daddys little girl and there is no part of me that hates it anymore, i cant hate anything that Mastered wants me to do. i thought i couldn't be more "all in" than i was but somehow magically i am more "all in" today. The words from all week still echoing in my head, the frustrated energy is still rolling thru my body. One touch and i will explode. 33 days and i can explode, and i am not even just taking about orgasm, i am talking about every emotion, every thought expressed with my hands, my mouth, with my body. Feeling the pain, screaming into my gag. Feeling the humiliation offering up my tears. 33, 33, 33, i can do it, i can do it.

To top all of this off tomorrow is oink day so i will have even more pent up energy, just building inside of me. no words, not even that outlet. Every word i hear from Mastered will fill me with more buzzing energy.

And lastly - for your viewing pleasure. Mastered had mentioned that he like to see gigantor shoved in my ass, he used the word "undignified". i made him a quick video of me working with gigantor to get my ass fist ready and then another of me crawling in an undignified fashion. i think Mastered enjoyed them i hope you do too.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In an odd juxtaposition the angrier and more attitudinal i am in regular life the more i want, proportionately, to be degraded, beaten and otherwise shown my place.

Sept 8 2013-2

So i am having some major and minor freakouts about Mastereds visit. Just to give the specifics i will meet him Thursday after work and we will be together until Sunday morning. First of all i am mainly freaking out just about being in the physical presence of someone, anyone for that long at a stretch. i just don't do that, remember-me: only child, not married, no kids. i have only ever shared a bathroom with my parents and that was when i was, like, 10. When i vacation i don't share rooms and i always make sure there are several hours during the day where i am alone. So, yeah, kind of freaking out. Its not about the privacy, i am pretty sure i already have my mind wrapped around the lack of it, its more about ..i don't know..awkwardness. Things like i don't get ready around anyone now and i have weird/stupid things (as do we all) that i have to do like when i get out of the shower i cant move too fast or i get hot then my hair gets frizzy or i can only sleep on my right side or i have to sleep with my feet out of the covers. lol, i know all you marrieds don't think those are big deals but to me it is totally utterly foreign to do all those things with someone around, more over someone who will be telling me what to do. Its the in-between times where normally i would get bored and go home (or kick someone out, lol) that make me uncomfortable.

i am also freaking out about the total immersion but in a more fun way. Of course i have done overnight "sessions" before but nothing this long or quite frankly at the level that Mastered an i have come to. i am anticipating very little "down time" when we wont be in our roles or reinforcing the training i have had so far. Today Mastered said that there would be NO back talking from me while we are together and i expected that-i also fully expect to fuck up. But in a weird way i am looking forward to being able to be instantly corrected. Its RELATIVELY easy for me to hold my tongue when he cant see my face or when i can pause and take a deep breath, i get that second to think before i respond to something-which really is almost like cheating.  i am looking forward to being instantly corrected so that i don't have to take that second to think, so that i get to a place where my "sub brain" takes over and just reacts properly. Other things that i think will present a significant challenge to me are public behaviors that Mastered will insist upon-GOD! if you guys only knew how take charge i am, even (especially) on dates, i actually become more assertive if you put me around a regular man-I (caps on purpose) talk to the hostess at a restaurant, I decide where we sit, I I I I. And then things like being able to say Daddy out loud without making a face. Its these small things that will be the toughest-not the big ticket items like pain or loss of privacy (she says now, lol). It probably goes without saying there is no possible way that i could do this every day forever but i think 2.5 days is doable and i hope to learn so much from it. i want to be different after, go to a place in my head i have never been. Yet i don't want to put to much expectation on the situation.  AAAAARRRRRGGGGG so many thoughts. But, you know, in all honesty i have so much trust in Mastereds  judgement, how he knows when to push and when to hold off, how realistic he is in his expectations, i know he wants me to succeed and i believe with my whole heart he will handle these days perfectly to get the results, the fun, the satisfaction we both want in our different ways. Really all this worrying and hand wringing is just mental masturbation on my part.


But i do want to know, will i get my private shower time?

Sept 8, 2013

So file this under happy accidents.

Mastered likes to have me icyhot my nipples to keep me aware and stimulated and i have to say that it is hit or miss, for some reason sometimes my body has a reaction (mild) and sometimes it does absolutely nothing.  WELL! If you guys have followed along you know i spend a lot of time in the woods hiking, this week was no different. On one of my forays i must have gotten a little no see 'em under my shirt because something bit me RIGHT ON MY FUCKING NIPPLE!!! oh my God for 24 hours my nipple stayed erect and itchy! it was horrible but also kind of wonderful too. Drove me insane! So now i am thinking itching powder, hmmmm........



Some attempts to get relief:

 

Mouse Trap Task

 

 

Getting ready to catch a male mouse

 

A mouth is a good way to catch a "One eyed-bald headed mouse"

 

Here's a good mouse hole!



Maybe he likes back doors?

Reads like a bill board!

 

August 27, 2013

i was thinking about words today. The words that Mastered uses have so much power over me, i love when they take me from my normal state of mind to a place where if i could i would hit the ground in a second and be face on the ground, ass up, wiggling and oinking for his cock. Today my slut label was skank. This is a word that could easily be used in polite company but even so it was electric to me. i have said before that slut and whore don't really have power with me because they are supposed to be negative but i don't see them like that.  i don't think either of those words have anything to do at all with your character. i could go on for ever about how ridiculous it is to associate a woman sexuality with who they are as a person. LOL but i know this is not the right audience for that conversation. But i had to explain it to contrast the words that do have power for me. Words like skank, garbage, scum. They do carry a judgment that i accept as valid, not so much about whether you profit from sex or how many men you have sex with, but about your style, your class, your intellect, your pride, your dignity. For example i used to have one night stands but only with men that i knew were specifically interested in ME, that is not a skank. But since i have been with Mastered i have had sex with people that just wanted to stick their cock in something, i have let someone that i am not attracted to piss on me, that is a skank. That i do it to please another man just makes it even worse.  At the snap of Mastereds fingers my dignity is out the window...for god sake i OINK PUBLICLY....that doesn't make me a slut or a whore, that makes me something much much worse in my eyes: a woman run by men, only concerned about sex, i sacrifice my values and ideals about women and respect  ( that i truly fervently and passionately believe in) because MASTERED MAKES MY CUNT THROB AND RUN.  That is a piece of garbage, that is a skank, that is a dumb pig.

Then there is the crassness factor- words like pissing and shitting.  In fact awhile ago Mastered called me fuckface and it too was electric. On the face of it there is nothing sexy about that, it is inelegant and crass and ugly. But i loved it, because no matter how much i like to believe i am a sophisticated intellectual there is a large part of my personality that absolutely revels in the crassness-i catch myself thinking during vanilla times in the terms i use in during bdsm times-cunt, pighole, tits, cock-that is my vocabulary now. i have written in all seriousness on my pig board that my goal is to learn to love licking assholes. ummm yeah that's real elegant. Mastered sends me to, in his term "edge" on the toilet rim, when i talk about it i call it humping the toilet because "edging" is a more discrete, or euphemistic word for what i do. Humping is crass, humping is undignified and ridiculous-and that is what i am, what i want to be. An object of derision, disrespect, dehumanized.  i have said before in other blogs i don't deserve nice words, the things i want and the things i am willing to do make nice words like, sex, breasts, even pussy inappropriate for me. i deserve and want the crassest, most vulgar, most insulting words possible! And those words are not always "dirty", they can be as innocuous as "lowlife" or "little girl" (which to me is insulting) or "dumb pig".  Those words attack the parts of me i am proud and that is what rocks my world to the core. When he says those kind of words i go into a frenzy, able only to think of my basest desires and the horrible things i will do to please him. Those words make me want to grovel in front of him while he laughs-that would truly make me happy.

(i started off the week with sore nipples from my weight swinging and i wanted to keep them sensitive and sore so i have been using my suckers every night-keeps them nice and erect too-cant show that off at work but off hours i have been shameless, after tonight and my tank top i am sure i am the local grocery store skank)

slave Js Big News (repost from SF)

some commenters seem to not have seen this on SF so i am reposting.

I am so happy to be able to share that……………………. MASTERED IS COMING TO VISIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So yes, those of you who noticed a countdown on my pig board that is what it is about, 55 days from now I will be licking my Masters shoes.  I will be able to thank him properly for letting me come back to him.  I will be able to show how devoted I am to him, to this, to being slave J.
In true Mastered fashion, he told me that he had booked his flight on oink day so all I could do was oink!!!  We had been talking about dates  for a visit,  but nothing is definite until there are plane tickets so I wasn’t really letting myself get excited.  But now there are plane tickets!! So it really is happening!! I am only letting myself think of the first minute when I walk to him, even that just overwhelms me, I cant really think past that even if I wanted to.  But I don’t want to think about what comes after, I am just going to entirely turn myself over to my Master for whatever wonderful humiliation, degradation and punishment he desires, knowing that I am safe and cared for.
One of the things that is great about this time is since we have done this before I don’t have to worry or stress about chemistry or any unknown variables,  this time I can just be deliciously nervous about what limits he will push, what pain I will feel, oh god just all of it. I really cant even articulate that well all the things this visit makes me think and feel. Three whole nights serving my Master, I am so lucky in so many ways,  my Master always finds a way to give me what  I need.

August 25 2013 part 2

i love sundays, i could live a life of sundays.  i wrote last week about my Sunday Call but the rest of sunday is usually all just me alone. i take the dog for a hike or to the park first thing, then shower, then make a giant breakfast, then nap, then start cooking my big sunday dinner. Even though it is just for me i usually, unless i am out with family, still spend several hours cooking. i know i talk  about how i am at work or out with friends but by myself i am actually very domestic, in fact, if you see curtains in the background of any of my media chances are i made them. i always say i would be a great housewife if it wasn't for the pesky husband and kids.  At any rate cooking on sundays is one of my favorite things to do.  i love just doing it for myself but i also spend the time while i am in the kitchen cooking thinking it would be nice to do this for Mastered. Spend hours cooking something perfect, making the plate and table setting perfect, serving him perfectly. My plate on the floor, also perfectly plated and set nicely but having to wait until he allows me to eat.  i am torn if i am allowed to use silverware or not..the point is kind of about elegance so it seems like it should be allowed but i am his slave eating on the floor so..... But really the part i think about is getting it all ready for him, my part doesn't really feature in my fantasy.

i usually also stay up extra late on sundays, "entertaining" myself. i did a couple of things tonight. Mastered has gotten me an inflatable gag, that i am supposed to get used to wearing-and i am glad he orderedme to do that because it does take some getting used to-to have it in for the first time while i am also being tortured in some other way may have been a bit much. i am pretty good with it now, but as a tip to any others who have never used one and is about to-the drool comes when you take it out- i literally have to have a towel in my lap to catch it all. i also usually do some type of ass fucking, mostly with gigantor but tonight i was in the mood for an actually hands free fucking so i used one of my suction cup dildos and when i do that i like to put on my weighted nipple clamps and see what kind of swing i can get going. Caught it on video tonight.

August 25, 21013

So things have taken an interesting turn in my training (shocking i know). It has taken me a little while to wrap my head around it, but just by virtue of the fact that i feel compelled to write about means that it hits me hard.  Also means i am uncomfortable sharing it.

The easiest way for me to start is to say what i am not. i am not a little girl, i am not a little (i think that is the right term), i am not a daddys girl. These things hold no appeal for me. i don't want to be coddled, taken care of. i don't want to be sweet and helpless. Now for what i am:  a grown ass woman.  i've worked hard for that - i take care of myself, i run my own life and i am very proud of that.  Additionally i know how to play to my strengths physically. While you will never hear me say i am pretty i will readily characterize my self as sexy - grown woman sexy. Being cute has never been a look i could or would want to pull off.  Cute on me just looks ridiculous, probably in large part because that is sooooooo not who i am. So for all of those reasons and more being infantilized is abhorrent to me. Guess who instinctively knows all of that?

On last weeks diaper day (of course), or rather the night before diaper day Mastered sent me to get one of those ring pop things...get it? Kind of like a socially acceptable pacifier right? i was not amused.  So now on diaper day i had to suck on my ring pop. i want to be clear: this is straight humiliation, there is no part of me that feels comfortable with this. i am going to date myself here but i am likening this to the scene in the original Fame where coco does a porno and the director is like "aw is the baby going to cry now" making fun of her for being upset about the situation. That is how this makes me feel, since i know he knows i am not a little girl, he is making fun of me.  And THAT i am totally down with. That was last week, this week i am now carrying a sparkly princess diaper bag that holds my diapers and wipes for the day, oh and my ring pop. i can not really communicate the feeling i had walking out of the house in the morning in my work clothes, high heels, feeling sexy, ready to kick ass and take names at work but also carrying my sparkly little girl diaper bag. Its all up in my head...my Master makes me wear a diaper, carry little girl accutremont and i have to do it if i want to keep him, and i need him so this is what i do. i sit at work in a wet diaper sucking on a ring pop, for all the world to see..they don't know the significance of any of it but i do. Mind blown. i have to say i was in a frenzy all day the day it happened. By the end of the day i was wanting not just to crawl to Mastered but crawl on my belly to him. To capitulate so totally in an area that offends me to the very core brought me to a level of desire that is hard to explain.  Every time i looked down under my desk and saw my bag i got a jolt- this is what Mastered wants, this is what he gets. It stripped a layer off of me, i felt raw and completely open. It was amazing how .....surrendered i felt.

i stopped today and picked up a real pacifier for these pictures, i thought it would make Mastered happy.

August 18, 2013

i am back, thank goodness, i missed creating these entries quite a bit.  But unfortunately it was one of the things that was contributing to me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Now that i have a bit of distance i can explain what was going thru my head when i stopped a little better. i was under a great amount of stress in my regular life and was feeling just utterly drained and frozen so every bit of energy and discipline i had was being used to maintain my activities with Mastered. i knew that wasn't what i should have been doing-so that caused me more stress, knowing that i should be using my energy to address regular life issues instead. Then it got so bad that even my activities with him got to be a chore, writing here was a chore. i felt like i couldn't breathe- i had my things i had to do during the day for Mastered and he would give me things to do at night plus i was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep the journal up and interesting and then the weekend tasks, all the while i knew i should be attending other things.  Honestly because i didn't feel that our relationship was of an emotional nature i tried not to let anything going on with me effect what we were doing until it got to a point where i couldn't do it at all . He kept pushing and i just kept doing, so he had no idea anything was up until i just had to stop cold.

i have, for quite a while, trusted Mastered implicitly to take me where i want to be in this lifestyle, physically and mentally.  i knew he cared for me but i thought of it as the way an employer wants happy, healthy employees-so that they can keep working. It did not occur to me that he may just care that i am happy and healthy without an ulterior motive. Because of that i didn't even give him the opportunity to work with me thru this tough time. But i am discovering there is a wide emotional range between being "colleagues" and being a "couple" that i can be open to exploring.  Perhaps we both were adhering too rigidly to the structure we had established for our relationship. i think we both have been great about being open minded and free on exploring the twists and turns my training has taken, allowing it to evolve and being able to accommodate the unexpected directions we take, but we didn't address that maybe the structure of how we related on a deeper level might need to evolve as well.

So there has been a small shift in my paradigm. Before i thought of this as a temporary situation, a month to month lease as it were. But if i think about it -this is probably the most perfect relationship with a man i could get.  During a conversation with Mastered he made a comment about something happening in the future and it made me think: why am i dismissing this relationship as temporary when it has already lasted longer than most relationships i have, when it makes me happier, contains less of the drama i so loathe? i am not a conventional woman so why not have a long term unconventional relationship? i am used to thinking that relationships just aren't for me, that they don't bring me the satisfaction that make them worth the effort. But look at the effort i devote to this already and i do it happily, eagerly. Sure if we were in person all the time i couldn't be this person BUT we aren't in person all the time. And even the long distance aspect works for me-it allows me certain freedoms and, frankly, i just have zero desire to have any one person around me all of the time, i am at heart a solitary person. So with this shift i am working towards being more emotionally accessible, letting go of the control of that area as well. This is a subtle shift so i doubt there is any difference in me that would be visible or any behaviors that i could point to and say "see that is new behavior" but it is an important realization for me.

One concrete difference you will see, in an effort, to maintain healthy balances is that before i felt badly if i only post here 1-2 times a week now i am only shooting for 1 to 2 times a week-i want what i put here to be a labor of love, not an obligation i churn out just to do it.


Alrighty, now on to the pervy stuff:

A week ago or so Mastered had me hump the toilet at work and i got video for him. This is short but for some reason i really like it. If you look close at the end you can tell i was excited.... i did the polite thing and when i was done, i licked the toilet clean.

Also one evening last week i was supposed to use my ruler to slap my cunt, i forget, for maybe 25 or 50 smacks but i forgot. i told Mastered the next day i had forgotten and asked if it would be alright if over the weekend i did 50 smacks 2 twice a day both sat and sunday. He agreed that would make up for my lapse. So he got 4 videos over the weekend, i am posting the first one. Enjoy!!

 

I also have added a white board that i enjoy calling my pig board to my bathroom wall. its hung so that i see it behind me in the mirror when ever i get ready. i put my litanies on it, goals and whatever keeps me reminded of my status.

Open for business

My first attempt at fiction:

Mastered and i are spending a night out on the town, all evening Mastered has casually and naturally called me “garbage” and “trash” when addressing me much the same way he calls me pig, just as he would use someone elses name. During lulls in regular conversation he will, out of the blue, point out that he now has me trained to perform acts paid hookers and crack whores wouldn’t do. These sudden attacks are like bolts of electricity straight to my cunt. One second I am talking about a movie I want to see and the next moment I am hearing that pigs don’t belong indoors watching movies, they should be rolling around in the garbage. Every time it happens I have to catch my breath, theres no point in trying to feign hurt feelings or pretend that I am offended-Mastered knows me and knows that while I may not agree with him my absolutely body does.
 

At one point Mastered starts speaking with another man at the bar-I cant hear anything they say and per my instructions when not being addressed by Mastered I sit with my hands in my lap, eyes cast down. After a while Mastered turns and leans close to my ear and starts speaking. Anytime at all that Mastered speaks to me I get weak, the timbre of his voice does something to me deep inside and if he speaks right into my ear it has such an effect on me that I can barely focus on what he is saying. So I am already dizzy with desire as I listen to him tell me that tonight I get to be the piece of trash pig slut I was born to be. He tells me to go out into the alley with all the other garbage and wait on my knees for this man to come to me. When I look at him, somewhat disbelieving, he just looks at me and asks “what are you?”.  There are so many answers to this question, so many litanies, pig, cockwhore, cunt, but the only thing that pops in my head tonight is trash so that is what I say. Mastered then says the thing I love to hear most, the thing that makes me purr “Good pig” and he actually taps me playfully on the ass and says “now go’. Reeling with desire, shame, excitement I go.
 

I quickly find myself kneeling in the alley, beside me is a smelly overflowing dumpster- I know the point that Mastered is making, that I am a nasty whore so willing to get fucked that I will do it anywhere and under the most foul circumstances, requires that I don’t try to escape my disgusting surroundings. The ground I am kneeling on is damp for reasons I don’t even want to think about. For all of the filth around me and all of the filth swirling in my head my cunt is dripping so that my thighs are wet, I can feel that I am getting wetter and wetter. The man from the bar approaches me, I am still looking down so all I see are his shoes as I hear the command “show me your tits”, ahhhh so banal, so predictable, but I am shaking as I pull the straps of my tank top down my arms to show my tits. I am very aware that there is a label on my chest, words I did not think much of earlier when Master wrote them across my tits, “Cum Dump”. Showing my label, and such an appropriate one at that, is humiliating and exhilarating-this is exactly where I want to be no matter what my brain is screaming at me. The man, seeing my label chuckles and steps closer to me, his foot going in-between my legs, kicking them open further. I scrape my knees on the dirty ground as I try to accommodate him.

 

 

With little fan fair he unzips his pants and pulls out his already hard cock, as soon as I see that I open my mouth and lean forward, without even realizing what I am doing, my body is on total auto pilot as my tongue swirls around this strangers cock. I taste his sweat, I taste that it has been a while since he showered and this seems right as well. I like the taste, well it is not so much that I like it but that it is what I want. I want to be the kind of whore that doesn’t miss a beat when that dirty taste hits her tongue. I want it to make me work harder. Any thing that would be disgusting to a normal woman I want to learn to love. After a minute or 2 I feel his hands grab my hair and he shoves his cock deep in my throat, I gag in response but try with all my might to relax and take it as he starts to fuck my face. While my mouth is assaulted by his cock my ears are assaulted by the noises I am making-the gagging, choking, slurping and sucking noises I cant control. Every time he pulls his cock out of my mouth strings of slobber run down my lips, as soon as i catch my breath his cock is in my mouth again- I have no technique, no style at this point – he is not getting a blow job from me he is just fucking a warm wet hole, I – me- am inconsequential.

He pulls his cock from my mouth but this time instead of just giving me a second to breathe he grabs me by the hair and pulls me to a standing position. I am breathing heavy, spit running down my face onto my tits blurring the words “cum dump”. He still has a handful of my hair causing me to lean towards him off balance. He turns me around and shoves me up against the side of the dumpster. I feel the grit and dirt on the side of the dumpster on my face, still sticky with spit, I feel my bare tits pressed against that nasty surface and I am just held there by his hand twisting in my hair, pressing me in place. “Pull up your skirt cunt”. I pull up my skirt, now twisting around my waist along with my top. If there is a way to feel more naked than actually being naked it is this-to have your clothes on but they are totally useless, sloppily pushed out of the way, twisted and awkward. A skirt hiked showing off your ass is one thing but your top pushed down and hanging uselessly and your skirt bunched unflatteringly at your waist is something all together different. It highlights your nakedness, highlights your awkwardness. “ Now spread your ass and show me this pighole I am supposed to fuck” he says. Physically I can do this, since he still has my face and chest pinned against the dumpster my arms are free to reach around and spread my ass for him, but this is the hard moment, when you know its all over. Especially for a pig like me-my asshole shows what I am, there is no mistake where I am meant to be fucked, my asshole is open and ready at all times. But I back up a tiny bit grab my ass and open myself up to this stranger. And he does......nothing!  Lots of men, when confronted with a hole to fuck will do so rapidly.  That makes things easier, then i know they aren’t really thinking, probably not really even seeing me. But that pause to look, to really really see this degraded bitch - that is hard to take. It seems like i am standing there for an hour bent over holding myself open, face and tits pinned to the dumpster.

The tension finally explodes from me in the form of a long moan of pure shame and humiliation and NEED. The man laughs and asks me "you like this don't you pig? What a piece of fucking garbage. You are right where you belong.", he pushes my face back and forth on the dumpster side and yells at me to answer. Once the word "Yes" is ripped from me i cant stop saying it. Over and over i am saying yes, i am still saying yes as his cock slide easily and deeply into my ass. There is always a moment when a man starts fucking my ass where i can tell they are shocked by how easily they can use that hole, years of training by regular women have taught them to go slow, to be careful. It takes them a minute to adjust to the fact they are NOT fucking a woman, that they are fucking a pig.  When they do realize it is okay to fuck me how ever they want they seem to go at it even harder, slamming their cock deep in me fast and hard. He is no different, after he takes his hand from my hair, he grabs my hips and pulls my body to him every time he thrusts. i am bent over more fully now, face close to a bag of trash. The word yes still tumbling out of my mouth with every thrust. The man is spewing hateful words, calling me trash, a pig, worthless and disgusting - and the word yes is still coming out of my mouth over and over, agreeing with every word he says. i am lost in my degradation, completely outside of myself. Concentrating on taking this cock as deep as i can, on serving my purpose-taking his cum deep deep deep inside me. I feel him speed up, he is hurting me with the pounding now but i try so hard to take it and just be a hole, a receptacle and finally i hear that moan, feel him shoot his cum in me, feel that pause, the moment i wait for to validate my existence: i feel his cum inside me.  After a moment i feel him pull out, feel cum begin running from my ass. i quickly turn and drop to my knees again and begin to clean his cock.  When he feels i have done an adequate job he just pushes me off of him. i lose my balance and wind up sitting awkwardly on the ground. He puts his cock back in his pants and walks towards me, sitting amidst the trash.  i have a flash that maybe he is going to help me up but when he gets close enough to do so and i look up expectantly, i instead see him purse his lips and a split second later i feel his spit hit my face. i am not shocked, how could i be, of course that is what he was going to do-this is what i should learn to expect. i just sit there waiting for him to leave so i can get myself back together and go find Mastered. But as a final insult i see a couple of crumpled dollar bills hit the ground in front of me, " Go buy your Master a drink on me".  i am crawling around, clothes still bunched at my waist, picking up the dollar bills as i whisper "yes Sir", i don't know that he even hears me as he walks away.

Now that i am alone i stand up and try to get my self together, pull down my skirt, pull up my top, brush off my knees and legs-there is some dirt i am going to have to wash off but if no one looks too close i think i will be fine.  I wipe his spit from my face, try to brush the grime from the dumpster off and wipe under my eyes as i imagine my makeup has run. When i think i look at least passable. i walk back into the bar and sit next to Mastered. i feel him looking me up and down as i sit down but i cant look at him. Instead i hand him the money and tell him what the man said. He flags down a bartender who comes over to see what he wants. When the bartender starts to speak i hear a weird tone in his voice, i cant look at him (as i not allowed) but i hear something in his voice. He takes Masters order but then leans in and says " i am really sorry but she cant stay in here, if she didn't look like such a mess i could ignore it but we all saw what happened, what she is and...well..look at her. i am really sorry".  Mastered just laughs and says "not a problem i totally understand. "  He turns to me and tells me to go wait out by the car. i am mortified, happy that i cant make eye contact with anyone as i walk out of the bar-i must be more of a mess than i thought and i just want to get out!!  I feel, real or imagined, everyone watching me, i hear male laughter, i feel like nothing as i escape the bar.  I almost run to the car but when i get there i realize, as the last indignity of the night that i don't have the car keys.  i lean against the car, panting and crying. i slide down the side until i am sitting on the ground and do the only thing i can: wait for my Master to finish his beer.

 

 

Closing Time

As my closing journal i wanted to do something i have been thinking of for a while.  Mastered had mentioned often he would love to see me serve at parties. This is my take on how that might look.

 

 

 

But i couldn't be left unsupervised.

 



Thank you Mastered for giving me this journal, and thank you everyone for supporting it-it has been a very special experience for me. This will be the last entry i think. i am not disappearing, i will be around SF, trying to figure out who i am on that site if i am not Mastereds Pig.

 

Happy 4th of July!!!

Here is a little something i whipped up for the 4th. Hope you enjoy!

 

 

(Yep, that's a sparkler in my cunt-ouch)

 

 

 

 

(sorry, about this one but i just love this pic of my ass lol)