October 6, 2013

HI everyone!! It has been a while. For some reason i am just not getting inspired to write. A couple of weeks ago i had a very intense week with Mastered and it was kind of private ( i think i mentioned it in a blog) so i didn't write about it and i think that kind of stumped me-its so odd to not write about everything, and i didn't really know where to go from there-it threw me off my stride blog-wise. But i miss it and i have had things to write about but i just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I also think my difficulty in writing is because of Mastereds upcoming trip to see me. i think i am more nervous than i want to admit. i am the kind of person that it is so important to me to power thru everything, man up and not cave to being nervous-never let 'em see you sweat, that I don't even acknowledge to myself  when i am scared - it just comes out in different behaviors and then after a while i'm like: oh! i see now why i am acting like this. Mastered and i have been together before but to put it in perspective it was 2 months after we met. We were no where near where we are today. it was fabulous but it was only 1 day and it was mainly whipping and fucking not the level of mental intensity we are at now. What if i am not up to it, or if even going as hard and taking as much as i can i disappoint? What if i truly don't like some things, how do i deal with that? AND on top of all that the company i work for was just bought out last week. It seems as though everything will be fine but it was a stressful week. The change also effects how much i can speak with Mastered during the day since i have had to be super on the ball, but it leaves me missing him and not that inspired when i don't get my Mastered time. lol

But during this little break i have had 2 comments that i wanted to answer more thoroughly than normal. First i got this great comment:

"G`day slave J I want to tell you I have followed your life as you open up to "no more hiding" you have become the most beautiful person -- your body and personality is much more open now .
I would like to see some more pics of inside all your holes -- your mouth ,your cunt ,your arsehole and your piss hole if your owner approves
Your master is doing a very good job of training you to be very open for all of us .I hope you remain this open for the rest of your life You give me the feeling that I own a little part of you ."

I have mentioned before that i have this medical fetish thing, and every picture i see on SF with a speculum makes me jealous. i am not sure that is specifically what this commenter meant but the phrasing made me think of wide open holes. So my project this weekend is to buy speculums-vaginal and anal, we shall see where this leads. There is just something about holes held open, not stretched and filled but held open, there is an extreme vulnerability to it. It is also appealing in that it is not how the body is supposed to work-it is abnormal to be open  like that. There are  things called anal rings that you can wear the hold your asshole open-kind of like a hollow anal plug that i am looking at but they are expensive. But that fascinates me-how it would feel to just walk around like that. Too bad there isn't that handy dandy muscle ring in a cunt so that all of these things could happen to a cunt too!

The other comment that i wanted to answer was this:

"Glad to see you are back and thank you to share your slave training / update. Please could you ask Mastered if you can provide an update on your diaper day? You have well explained the feeling but more a documentation of the diaper day e.g. when you buy the pack of diaper, how your store them, at what time you wet them, at what time you change them and picture of you wearing the diapers."

Diaper day still occurs but i had stopped writing about it, kind of on purpose, just because i felt like i was writing about it all the time. i know it is not for everybody but when i think about it there are a couple of things that really make us human beings, grown up human beings. One is speech and that is why i like oink day-it take that humanness away. Yes Mastered may still address me and i still can answer but i am limited to 2 words, essentially. And of course those responses are animal noises. The other thing that is an essential part of awareness and ownership of our own bodies is control of our  bodily functions. So diaper day is also a very powerful for me. To answer some of the specific questions in the comment. Buying the diapers is the WORST part- i don't get the fake baby diapers that you order on line i just get adult diapers at the drug store. So of course they are the last thing that i grab on a shopping trip. i get them at a drug store so i don't have a cart or anything i just carry them to the register and there is no way, no angle that you can hold them that doesn't show you are carrying a big bundle of diapers. i try to stand there as proudly as i can while i am in line- i hope people think i am buying them for my grandmother or something. In line is not so bad because i don't HAVE to look at or acknowledge anyone but at the counter of course the 18 year old kid behind the counter has to pick them up, ring them up and there is ALWAYS the glance directly at me after they realize what they are. So the public buying is a bit difficult. I have thought of ordering online the specialized ones but they are bulkier (on purpose) and would be more evident under my clothes. But since Mastered has incorporated the Daddy/ little girl(ugh) aspect of it i have thought more and more about getting them.  At any rate on diaper days i only piss when Mastered tells me its okay, which he does about every hour and half, i can ask if i have an emergency but that is usually about an automatic 15 minute wait. i haven't ever had to wet myself without permission-Mastered doesn't set me up to fail. I change a couple times a during the day. It would be insanely expensive if i changed every time i pissed so most of the time my diaper is wet to a greater or lesser degree when i am at work. i don't actually mind too much as that is what reminds me of my predicament. The diapers are made now to be as unnoticeable to the wearer as possible now but by the time for a change my diaper is swollen and puffy. i have to remember to hide them deep in the trash when i change at work.  i carry a princess bag (pics in a prior blog) that holds my diapers and wipes for the day and just carry it with me like i do my purse. People at work think i am making an ironic statement about Disney princesses by carrying it around. Mastered has mentioned that he may just put me in diapers 24/7 for a month or so, and just let me go whenever. i have doing some reading and you begin to get un-potty trained if that goes on for a while. Between the diapers, pissing outside and having to piss in my slop bucket here at home my body has already grown confused to a certain extent and i find that i have close calls more frequently. This brings me back to the original thought of this paragraph and that is that you lose a bit of your humanity when you are not in control of your bodily functions. i am conflicted but part of me likes the idea that Mastered would take that privilege from me, its a modification that can be managed in real life so its doable and i like the idea of truly behaving like a pig, an animal and living more instinctively and with less awareness of myself. Diapers are also good for punishment, i am adding a pic that i took for Mastered months ago but was too ashamed to share but i am going to push my self and put it out there. i don't remember what i did to deserve this, if anything, or if Mastered just felt like making me do it.

 

 

i am also adding a pic taken since we incorporated the daddy/little girl aspect, Mastered wanted to see me with a full diaper and a stuffed animal since i am a little girl. i do not like either of these pics but i don't want to get in the habit of hiding things. (i find the heels with the stuffed animal a but schizophrenic but, you know Mastered-heels no matter what, lol)

 

And lastly, something else i have been a little embarrassed to show. Mastered likes to send me GIFs an pics periodically thru out the day and i never know what i will find when i open them. A lot of times it is girls licking assholes, but it could be anything. One oink day Mastered sent me this pic with the caption "for my dumb fucking pig".      i thought this was so cruel. i was a total gut punch when i opened it. But i saved it, in fact made it my screen saver at home so whenever i see it i remember that Mastered sees me as his dumb dirty pig, that is what i am. Ahh i feel a little better, hope you enjoy.