Happy Easter-LOL
March 31 2013
So i got bored tonight and i like to leave little surprises for Master sometimes. One caveat: my plan was to take pics while i was dancing and then i was going to make a slide show to music. This is what i discovered: still pictures of people dancing look STUPID. lol these are what i could salvage. Still kind of like them though.
March 26, 2013
Here is todays outfit..i have a feeling Mastered read yesterdays blog before he decided on my slut label today.
It is an odd thing to be a humiliation slut, i think it is more complicated to understand even for those of us that are, than being a pain slut. To me that is pretty straight forward, pain causes an adrenaline rush or an endorphin rush..some type of chemical rush and if you can get thru the pain you get to that rush and soon you look forward to the pain because you know the payoff it brings. That might be an oversimplification but i think the basics are there, yes there is the mental aspect of submitting but to me (and i only speak for me) it is not entirely, but primarily, a physical thing. But why crave the humiliation-what the fuck is that about????? What does it get me to be nothing in front of Master? i don't know-ive talked before about how different i am in "real life" and how maybe just the different treatment is a relief- but i just dont know- the level to which i am willing to debase myself for him is crazy. AND here is the thing: i WANT him to do it! i think in the deep dark corners of my mind things i want him to make me do or rules i want and days later there he is reading my mind. And i cant even lie about it when he tells me what he wants-he knows i am happy, he knows i LIKE it for gods sake, that i feel right. Why does it make me happy to be treated worse than i would treat a dog. Why do those words go thru me like electricity? You cant blame that on anything physical-this is entirely mental so it is something that is part of ME not just some natural physical reaction, that makes it worse/better somehow and it is, of course, why denying i like it is stupid.
Today i got a rule that almost made me cry..but it is a rule i thought about, a rule that takes me to my special place...and then here it is today a reality. (i don't mean to be mysterious or a jerk about it but somethings-even for me are private) And i wasn't even satisfied with just getting the rule - i asked Mastered to leave me a voice mail with the rule and some other things so i could replay it as i laid in bed and thought about what i am now. To tell the absolute truth, i listened to the VM while i sat in my car after work. i was the last one to leave today, fortunately, because as i listened to the message my skirt was around my waist, my legs were spread and i couldn't help but touch myself while i heard Master tell me about myself over and over-just a wonton slut- cunt out in broad daylight AND IT FELT SO RIGHT. Why cant i be like that for real? (Does anybody else get those totally crazy flashes...like you are in a meeting or something and you have this flash of what it would feel like to just bend over the table and take every cock in the room..its just a flash but you almost feel like your are this close to doing something inappropriate?) So that is the image i will leave you with tonight, in my car, daylight, legs open, dress pulled up playing with my wet cunt while i listen to Master tell me what i am and how i will behave.
March 25 2013
For anybody who is waiting for the normal task pictures and blog today, i did not do a task this weekend-got into a little fender bender. Nothing serious but my face got a little scratched up and i hurt my knee so i was kind of out of it yesterday (when i would have been doing my task). Today i seem to be pretty much back to normal except my knee still hurts and i think i am a little more fuzzy than i realize from the pain pills i took yesterday. Actually ended up slipping in the snow and falling down my deck stairs this morning (into the pig pen) and i have been misspelling like crazy (so bear with me if this post sounds odd) and i think that is all just lingering drugs.
i had to wear heels today even with an injured knee but that is not because of Mastered it is because i seriously don't have any flats!!
But even so today was exciting to me for a couple of reasons. The word of the day is dehumanization!
Over the weekend someone who has been around for a while and is well established at SF (read not some random dude) emailed Mastered, i guess, with suggestions about my use and abuse. Mastered only gave me a vague idea of what was discussed so i don't really know. Then while we were chatting today someone else known to him (read not some random dude) did something very similar. Again i don't really know what was discussed. But this is what i like: that there may be these conversations going on about ways to use, degrade and humiliate me and i don't even know it. i like that i am being treated as (this is how i likened it to Master) a do it yourself project that people offer opinions on as casually as if i am a piece of furniture being refinished, an object of some sort. "Hey working on your deck? maybe you could put stairs there" = "Hey your training your pig? maybe you could put this in one of her holes". lol-i am laughing but the only thing better than imagining being discussed in this cavalier fashion would be to actually be kneeling next to Master while i hear it. Of course this is entirely self involved of me, that is part of the appeal of submission-it may be all about the Master BUT all the attention is on the slave - we just have to pay for that attention by taking it however we get it even (or especially) if it means people stop thinking of you as a person and you become a literal toy. It really highlights how differently from a regular woman i am regarded now, intimate acts and anatomy reduced to something that people wont even have a second thought about easily and nonchalantly chatting about AND how absolutely accepting i am of it. i mean think of it-on a regular basis i thank people for mentioning that they like the way my cunt was displayed or i acknowledge a comment regarding how large an object i can fit in my asshole. i don't think that i can describe how that makes me feel-i don't have to remind myself i did this to myself too much anymore-i gave up the right to think "how dare they" at any point and i am pretty used to hearing from and responding to anyone now. But still i like these reminders, that come out of the blue, of how i am truly perceived now.
The second thing that was very exciting to me today requires a little bit of call back of things i believe i have mentioned before. One time that i got very mouthy with Mastered was when he implied (in my opinion) that i didn't understand something. i will happily be called many things (obviously) but stupid is NOT one of them. BUTTTTTTTTTTT....today when i was telling Mastered how i liked what i was explaining above he just said i was "... like a dumb pig waiting to fuck". Oh that was like a lightning bolt - i loved it!! i just got this immediate image of being on all fours, ass raised waiting and wanting to be fucked, not able to think of anything else, not needed for anything else, not paid attention to for any other reason. Now clearly i am not dumb but in person with Master i would love to get into that head space where i just really know my purpose and it is not to contribute to the conversation, or have an opinion, it is to be used in what ever fashion Mastered finds entertaining. The interesting question to me is what is different now that being called dumb makes me happy whereas the mere implication previously set me off (in a bad way). i think that it shows i am much more comfortable in my skin as Mastereds slut slave pig cunt, i feel like i understand and own what that means now. It means in this arena, even though i get my journal and i get to intellectualize to my hearts content, that what is important about me has nothing to do with all of that. i think that, wisely, Mastered gives me this journal so that my head doesn't explode but when he thinks of me it is not me wittily pontificating about something it is, rather, on all fours crawling and ready and begging to be used. i have mentioned my mantras before and one of them includes me saying i am a pig, i asked master today if we can change that and i say dumb pig instead...now Mastered does not express excitement a lot but i got an "Absolutely!!!!" for that so i think it made him happy that i feel so differently now..i wonder what he makes of that..oh well i will never know, lol.
that's it for today-i hope it all makes sense!
i like this label!!
But even so today was exciting to me for a couple of reasons. The word of the day is dehumanization!
Over the weekend someone who has been around for a while and is well established at SF (read not some random dude) emailed Mastered, i guess, with suggestions about my use and abuse. Mastered only gave me a vague idea of what was discussed so i don't really know. Then while we were chatting today someone else known to him (read not some random dude) did something very similar. Again i don't really know what was discussed. But this is what i like: that there may be these conversations going on about ways to use, degrade and humiliate me and i don't even know it. i like that i am being treated as (this is how i likened it to Master) a do it yourself project that people offer opinions on as casually as if i am a piece of furniture being refinished, an object of some sort. "Hey working on your deck? maybe you could put stairs there" = "Hey your training your pig? maybe you could put this in one of her holes". lol-i am laughing but the only thing better than imagining being discussed in this cavalier fashion would be to actually be kneeling next to Master while i hear it. Of course this is entirely self involved of me, that is part of the appeal of submission-it may be all about the Master BUT all the attention is on the slave - we just have to pay for that attention by taking it however we get it even (or especially) if it means people stop thinking of you as a person and you become a literal toy. It really highlights how differently from a regular woman i am regarded now, intimate acts and anatomy reduced to something that people wont even have a second thought about easily and nonchalantly chatting about AND how absolutely accepting i am of it. i mean think of it-on a regular basis i thank people for mentioning that they like the way my cunt was displayed or i acknowledge a comment regarding how large an object i can fit in my asshole. i don't think that i can describe how that makes me feel-i don't have to remind myself i did this to myself too much anymore-i gave up the right to think "how dare they" at any point and i am pretty used to hearing from and responding to anyone now. But still i like these reminders, that come out of the blue, of how i am truly perceived now.
The second thing that was very exciting to me today requires a little bit of call back of things i believe i have mentioned before. One time that i got very mouthy with Mastered was when he implied (in my opinion) that i didn't understand something. i will happily be called many things (obviously) but stupid is NOT one of them. BUTTTTTTTTTTT....today when i was telling Mastered how i liked what i was explaining above he just said i was "... like a dumb pig waiting to fuck". Oh that was like a lightning bolt - i loved it!! i just got this immediate image of being on all fours, ass raised waiting and wanting to be fucked, not able to think of anything else, not needed for anything else, not paid attention to for any other reason. Now clearly i am not dumb but in person with Master i would love to get into that head space where i just really know my purpose and it is not to contribute to the conversation, or have an opinion, it is to be used in what ever fashion Mastered finds entertaining. The interesting question to me is what is different now that being called dumb makes me happy whereas the mere implication previously set me off (in a bad way). i think that it shows i am much more comfortable in my skin as Mastereds slut slave pig cunt, i feel like i understand and own what that means now. It means in this arena, even though i get my journal and i get to intellectualize to my hearts content, that what is important about me has nothing to do with all of that. i think that, wisely, Mastered gives me this journal so that my head doesn't explode but when he thinks of me it is not me wittily pontificating about something it is, rather, on all fours crawling and ready and begging to be used. i have mentioned my mantras before and one of them includes me saying i am a pig, i asked master today if we can change that and i say dumb pig instead...now Mastered does not express excitement a lot but i got an "Absolutely!!!!" for that so i think it made him happy that i feel so differently now..i wonder what he makes of that..oh well i will never know, lol.
that's it for today-i hope it all makes sense!
March 19 2013
i don't really have too much to write about today but i love my slut label today so i thought i would post my outfit:
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(yes i am sparkly today)
Mastered is not often "cute" but i got a kick out of wearing this today.
i am super psyched - i am not only back on my work out routine but the weather is good enough that i can take the dog out for a run - which eliminates my guilt for ignoring her when i blog and do all of my tasks. Just like when i work out, when i run i think of making Mastered happier with my body. But, funny story, i remember when i first was talking to Mastered i mentioned that i was into having a dom control my workouts (of course because i thought it would help keep me on track) and as near as it is possible to scoff via email he scoffed at me. i find that i said that funny now for a couple of reasons: 1) as if i set the agenda 2) knowing him better now i see that that is so not his style 3) what did i think this was? fat camp? Also on a slightly more serious note i feel like it is up to me to show i have the discipline to keep myself attractive for him, that's not his job-i guess maybe he teaches me discipline and how i should keep the focus on being a good pig for him and then i apply it where it serves best to keep him pleased with me. Anyway that my thought for the day, sorry not very salacious.
March 18 2013
i feel like i haven't written in forever, i have been trying really hard to get back in the routine of working out and that definitely cuts into my time to write at night but i HAD to write tonight-i should have written this last night but i was doing my task blog so it had to wait. but first as always:
But here is what i want to write about: Sunday was my 6 month anniversary being under Mastereds control. Mastered is calling it our 1/2 year pig anniversary-i am not sure about the grammar of that label but it includes the word pig so i love it anyway. i started this bored one night on a lark, just looking for some dirty talk, never imagining in my wildest dreams how it would evolve. Even after i asked Mastered to train me i STILL had no idea what i was getting into. i think i took it seriously from the start because i did know pretty much right off the bat Mastered could give me the day to day structure that i craved. But it was an internet thing, right? How much could it affect me? What could i really get out of it except to occasionally get off?
But then there was that night...oh my god the night i first met Mastered......just those ridiculously short 10 minutes....i don't think i will ever forget that ...has to be in the top 3 most intense moments of my life.( i am still pretty proud of the blog i wrote on SF about it -"slave "J" meets her Master" 10-16-2012, pop over and read it if you didn't know me then). i think that night changed everything, made it real, made things possible. Most of the time when i thank Mastered for taking me to some new dark place he tells me it was always there he just made me show it. That is true but that is such an over simplification of what he has done. Anything else ive done or anyone else i had ever been with just scratched the surface of my twisted desires. i think i was waiting for someone who spoke to me the right way, who treated me the right way, who possessed some magic combination of characteristics that would just unlock me, someone whose strength deserved my submission. And FINALLY i found it, i knew it the minute(well almost the minute) he walked up to me at the airport, the look on his face, tone in his voice, his impatient gestures, his touch-this was special.
Yes it sucks that i don't see him more often, but i will take this any day for the joy and freedom that it brings me over some pale imitation that is more accessible. Thank you for the last 6 months Master.
**********************************************************************************
i am posting the pics from my task(s) here just incase some don't get approved at SF:
But here is what i want to write about: Sunday was my 6 month anniversary being under Mastereds control. Mastered is calling it our 1/2 year pig anniversary-i am not sure about the grammar of that label but it includes the word pig so i love it anyway. i started this bored one night on a lark, just looking for some dirty talk, never imagining in my wildest dreams how it would evolve. Even after i asked Mastered to train me i STILL had no idea what i was getting into. i think i took it seriously from the start because i did know pretty much right off the bat Mastered could give me the day to day structure that i craved. But it was an internet thing, right? How much could it affect me? What could i really get out of it except to occasionally get off?
But then there was that night...oh my god the night i first met Mastered......just those ridiculously short 10 minutes....i don't think i will ever forget that ...has to be in the top 3 most intense moments of my life.( i am still pretty proud of the blog i wrote on SF about it -"slave "J" meets her Master" 10-16-2012, pop over and read it if you didn't know me then). i think that night changed everything, made it real, made things possible. Most of the time when i thank Mastered for taking me to some new dark place he tells me it was always there he just made me show it. That is true but that is such an over simplification of what he has done. Anything else ive done or anyone else i had ever been with just scratched the surface of my twisted desires. i think i was waiting for someone who spoke to me the right way, who treated me the right way, who possessed some magic combination of characteristics that would just unlock me, someone whose strength deserved my submission. And FINALLY i found it, i knew it the minute(well almost the minute) he walked up to me at the airport, the look on his face, tone in his voice, his impatient gestures, his touch-this was special.
Yes it sucks that i don't see him more often, but i will take this any day for the joy and freedom that it brings me over some pale imitation that is more accessible. Thank you for the last 6 months Master.
**********************************************************************************
i am posting the pics from my task(s) here just incase some don't get approved at SF:
March 12 2013
Here is todays outfit:
i was thinking tonight when i got home from the gym and started my mundane routine of showering how i have really come to incorporate some of the "rules" that Mastered gave me ages ago into my life. For instance it is almost inconceivable to me not to do a nightly enema now for a variety of reasons but the idea that everything about my body is controlled by Mastered is still my primary thought and i like being reminded of that in such a private and invasive fashion regularly. Likewise my cunt must always be clean shaven, just for my own comfort level now. ( i used to keep everything nice and tidy with clippers because i have sensitive skin and shaving caused probs) I was thinking today i want to try a depilatory on the weekend but that entails letting things get a little messy for a week or so and i just don't think i could do it. Another example is him selecting my outfit every morning-yesterday Mastered was running late and let me make my own choice and i was disappointed - i like the first thing i do in the morning to be to defer to Master-i didn't realize how much i count on that until i didn't get it. And then of course there is my Stockholmsian (i think i just made up that word) need for some type of torture during the day..if i don't get it, or quite frankly don't get enough, i feel like i must be doing something wrong that Mastered doesn't want to bother torturing me.
But fortunately today Mastered did feel like torturing me. For several hours i had to wear my rope panties, right after i icyhotted my clit!! After about 15 minutes i asked if we had done this before because i didn't remember having done so and i think i would have because it was BRUTAL. Apparently we hadn't and that is why Mastered was taking it easy on me and only making me sit like that for a couple of hours and not the whole day. Can you imagine the rubbing of the rope WHILE the icy hot was burning up inside my cunt????? There was no escaping the pain and when i told Master that i just got "squirm pig" in return...ooooo that made me squirm even more. i can not get enough of Masters abuse-I LOVE IT. When he called my cunt a runny pig cunt i almost fell off my chair. And on that note...goodnight!
i was thinking tonight when i got home from the gym and started my mundane routine of showering how i have really come to incorporate some of the "rules" that Mastered gave me ages ago into my life. For instance it is almost inconceivable to me not to do a nightly enema now for a variety of reasons but the idea that everything about my body is controlled by Mastered is still my primary thought and i like being reminded of that in such a private and invasive fashion regularly. Likewise my cunt must always be clean shaven, just for my own comfort level now. ( i used to keep everything nice and tidy with clippers because i have sensitive skin and shaving caused probs) I was thinking today i want to try a depilatory on the weekend but that entails letting things get a little messy for a week or so and i just don't think i could do it. Another example is him selecting my outfit every morning-yesterday Mastered was running late and let me make my own choice and i was disappointed - i like the first thing i do in the morning to be to defer to Master-i didn't realize how much i count on that until i didn't get it. And then of course there is my Stockholmsian (i think i just made up that word) need for some type of torture during the day..if i don't get it, or quite frankly don't get enough, i feel like i must be doing something wrong that Mastered doesn't want to bother torturing me.
But fortunately today Mastered did feel like torturing me. For several hours i had to wear my rope panties, right after i icyhotted my clit!! After about 15 minutes i asked if we had done this before because i didn't remember having done so and i think i would have because it was BRUTAL. Apparently we hadn't and that is why Mastered was taking it easy on me and only making me sit like that for a couple of hours and not the whole day. Can you imagine the rubbing of the rope WHILE the icy hot was burning up inside my cunt????? There was no escaping the pain and when i told Master that i just got "squirm pig" in return...ooooo that made me squirm even more. i can not get enough of Masters abuse-I LOVE IT. When he called my cunt a runny pig cunt i almost fell off my chair. And on that note...goodnight!
March 11 2013
i should have posted this over the weekend but i got lazy. Here, at last, the final episode in the dirty panty saga. i finally stopped and got my post office box key and number on Friday so Friday i was allowed to clean my 4 day panties with my mouth and be done with them. You all know im a nasty girl so this was not all that traumatic and i actually kind of reveled in my degradation. Shocking, i know.
Here is todays outfit. I added the exclaimation points myself-they weren't part of my official slut label today but i was really feeling this one:
As i referenced above i do have everything i need to start my little panty project, if you look at the right hand side of the journal all of the specifics of how to go about placing your order are listed there. Since this is a new thing for me if anyone has any suggestions about how to manage the process please let me know.
Last random thought for what i am now calling "Random Mondays", i got so psyched about my tack experience i made this:
That would be the inside of my bra cup. i had heard about these but i thought: "that's crazy" but now that i know the tines will just scratch and poke and irritate all day i am soooo on board with this, lol.
Here is todays outfit. I added the exclaimation points myself-they weren't part of my official slut label today but i was really feeling this one:
As i referenced above i do have everything i need to start my little panty project, if you look at the right hand side of the journal all of the specifics of how to go about placing your order are listed there. Since this is a new thing for me if anyone has any suggestions about how to manage the process please let me know.
Last random thought for what i am now calling "Random Mondays", i got so psyched about my tack experience i made this:
That would be the inside of my bra cup. i had heard about these but i thought: "that's crazy" but now that i know the tines will just scratch and poke and irritate all day i am soooo on board with this, lol.
March 7 2013
So yesterday was kind of an interesting day. Couple of things going on-of course it was diaper day and you know that generally becomes a theme for the day and yesterday was no different. First let me just say Mastered seemed almost gleeful as he ordered my to piss knowing i was wearing my panties-it was not a pleasant experience for me as i knew they would be over my head later but that is kind of the point. So whatcha going to do? Mastered also (still gleefully) decided that when i am done with these panties tomorrow i will be cleaning them with my mouth. This, of course, is one of those horrible/wonderful things that just gets me hot. i expressed to him that would like to be his personal laundry lady-i'd love to find my self with his boxers stuffed in my mouth! isn't that a lovely picture?
He also decided that the next time i go out i should start with a glass of wine and when i finish the wine refill it with my piss so i can publicly drink my piss. AND then he told me that when i ate my dinner last night my beverage would be my piss. Well turns out last night i did not make dinner i ended up going out instead soooo...... yep i sat at the bar quickly drinking my glass of wine because i was eager to see what it felt like to sit out in public with a nice glass of pig piss in front of me. So when i was done i discretely carried my wine glass to the bathroom and pissed in it took a couple of pics and then brought it back out to the bar and enjoyed it. it was almost like publicly declaring what i am. i liked it but wish it had been Masters.
Funny story here -the person i was out with last night is a friend that reads this blog ...so- Hey Sean, what up? LMAO .
Also when i got home i was in the mood to play so i rode my giant dildo for quite a while and the results pleased Master very much when he saw the pics this morning:
And i was reminded of some tit sucker toys i have by a blog that was posted over on SF so i got those out as well:
However this morning i realized the toys i have and the way i use them may be too dangerous to use when i have been drinking-my tits and asshole are just a tad bit sore today-lol
So that was my day yesterday, but then we come to today-not a whole lot went on today - i think because i got on Mastereds nerves. He told me to post all of the pics you just saw above to SF, when i asked him what captions he wanted i mentioned that none of them will get approved and he basically told me to shut up and do it (even though i am totally right) and then i mouthed off just a bit by pretty much saying that i was right. It took me a second but i realized that usually i would have just shut up and moved on but in addition to having talked back once it was taking every ounce of strength i had not to go back at him again. And it occurred to me that there was a reason. On Thursdays Master will tell me what supplies i need for my task and then on Friday he will tell me what the task is. Obviously this is to torment me and generally it works very well-today was no different except that the supplies for this week really scared me: heels (check), 6 clothes pins (check and childs play), duct tape (of course) AND:
He also decided that the next time i go out i should start with a glass of wine and when i finish the wine refill it with my piss so i can publicly drink my piss. AND then he told me that when i ate my dinner last night my beverage would be my piss. Well turns out last night i did not make dinner i ended up going out instead soooo...... yep i sat at the bar quickly drinking my glass of wine because i was eager to see what it felt like to sit out in public with a nice glass of pig piss in front of me. So when i was done i discretely carried my wine glass to the bathroom and pissed in it took a couple of pics and then brought it back out to the bar and enjoyed it. it was almost like publicly declaring what i am. i liked it but wish it had been Masters.
Funny story here -the person i was out with last night is a friend that reads this blog ...so- Hey Sean, what up? LMAO .
Also when i got home i was in the mood to play so i rode my giant dildo for quite a while and the results pleased Master very much when he saw the pics this morning:
And i was reminded of some tit sucker toys i have by a blog that was posted over on SF so i got those out as well:
However this morning i realized the toys i have and the way i use them may be too dangerous to use when i have been drinking-my tits and asshole are just a tad bit sore today-lol
So that was my day yesterday, but then we come to today-not a whole lot went on today - i think because i got on Mastereds nerves. He told me to post all of the pics you just saw above to SF, when i asked him what captions he wanted i mentioned that none of them will get approved and he basically told me to shut up and do it (even though i am totally right) and then i mouthed off just a bit by pretty much saying that i was right. It took me a second but i realized that usually i would have just shut up and moved on but in addition to having talked back once it was taking every ounce of strength i had not to go back at him again. And it occurred to me that there was a reason. On Thursdays Master will tell me what supplies i need for my task and then on Friday he will tell me what the task is. Obviously this is to torment me and generally it works very well-today was no different except that the supplies for this week really scared me: heels (check), 6 clothes pins (check and childs play), duct tape (of course) AND:
300 thumb tacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF
I knew when i got the list i was freaking out a little but like i said it took a second to realize i was picking a fight because of it-once i figured out what i was doing i lost the burning urge to be a smart ass (for the most part). I asked if he had ever noticed that i pick a fight when i am scared or nervous about a task and he said that i do. But then he pretty much stopped talking to me for the rest of the day-as i said think i was on his nerves pretty hard. oh well tmro is a new day and a day during which i will find out what i am doing with 300 (300?seriously?) thumb tacks. i actually should have bought a bottle of alcohol to soak them in-just thought of that-because i have been totally freaking out about the safety of whatever it is i will be doing. Back to the drug store for me. i do have to say it is nice not to have to make a trip to the hardware store this week!!
March 5 2013
A friend asked me today what being a "pig" means to me and although this is a fairly short answer i spent a lot of time thinking about this today so i figured i would make it my journal entry.
There is some deep dark place in me that responds when i am called a pig. Slut or cunt-those will give me a nice little jolt but they don't make me quiver or send me to that mindless euphoric place like pig does. i think because that word, more than any, immediately indicates sinking to a depth of degradation that is not just about doing as told or kissing someones shoes. i am, as i look deeper into myself, learning that maybe it is about limits and it is about how you want your "master" for lack of a better word to truly think of you. There has been a lot of talk recently on SF about how a slave is a thing of beauty, grace, value. That is fine but i have even seen someone who goes by a screen name that included the word pig put up a blog asking for degrading responses be shamed by someone popping on to comment that she should respect herself more. Well, duh, that is kind of the point, or not the point as the case may be. In the regular world (and i don't say real on purpose) i have plenty of great adjectives attached to me. i come to Mastered to lose all of that. Words that i want from him that come to mind are reduced, minimized, diminished, the word or title pig communicates that desire right off the bat. Pig means not a bit of of respect, not a person even, few limits, to be truly and honestly viewed as a thing, an animal and treated similarly. i don't want pretty, i barely even want sexy, i want to be used without consideration. i want it dirty, filthy and nasty. i do not want it loving, respectful and tender-that is for another area of my life. i think part of the reason i can so fully embrace being Mastereds pig and am okay with him only knowing me as that and treating me accordingly is because i do feel so good about myself - that frees me up to embrace and experiment with this treatment without any inner conflict (thank freaking god-something i am not conflicted about!!). i need someone who wont half ass it. i don't think i could go the places i realize i want to go with someone that i had a "relationship" with because nobody who truly knew me or cared** about me could treat me the way i want or give me what i want. BUT SEE??? that is how good i feel about myself - it is literally inconceivable to me that anyone who knows me could behave towards me without respect-lol. For me its about exploring all the dark things inside, it is not about reaching a happy medium that can function in reality, integrating both sides. i think i am too extreme at both ends of the spectrum to do that- meaning outside of BDSM it is not acceptable to me to NOT be in control but within this structure i want to have nothing left of me, be obliterated by Master.
So enough of the serious stuff i also have a funny story to share: last night i was to call Master and slap my ass 25 times while oinking for him. (when i do that i slap both ass cheeks at the same time). So there i am all ready to go, raise my arms really excited to give myself a thorough ass slapping and i do my first one and let out a yelping oink (if there is such a thing). What i didn't realize is that when i had gone tanning (for the first time in about a month)i had gotten the worst sunburn i have had in quite a while. OOOOOOOHHHHH that smarted- my yelping oinks were ALL out of proportion to my slaps but damn it hurt!!
And finally as promised a pic of me getting ready for bed with my dirty panties over my face and my label for the day (total coincidence that Mastered gave me that label this morning). Since today was the first day they are not so bad. BUT tmro is diaper day and Mastered has ordered that i wear them as well so i will be pissing in them too. Not looking forward to tmro night (we all know i kind of am, right?-lol). And just to close this journal out by circling right back around to my original topic: when i complained about it Mastered just said "pigs wallow in their own filth"...... umm did i say i didn't want some one to half ass it? careful what you wish for, for you shall surely get it.
** i know that Mastered cares about my well being and safety.
March 3 2013
Just some random updates today:
i don't think i have mentioned this before but every couple of weeks i get a break on the weekend tasks. That is nice for me because even though the tasks themselves only take about 1/2 an hour to an hour, the prep, the pics and working it into my schedule really can be very time consuming and takes up a lot my thoughts over the weekend so it is nice not to have to think about that and just spend time hiking with the dog and vegging out watching 2 seasons worth of "shameless" (which is AWESOME btw). But at the same time that it is nice for a change i do feel something missing on those weekends and oddly i occasionally feel a little...lonely....which is not exactly the right word but close enough. But coming at from the other side i imagine it has got to be hard for Mastered to continue to come up with these task, especially since pics are such a big part now..so it has to be something that teaches me something or takes me some place, that i can implement and that photographs interestingly. That has to become taxing, i do not envy him-some times it is nice to just have to follow orders not be the one to come up with the orders. This weekend was a non-task weekend, but maybe that was a good thing..there have been some paradigm shifts boundary-wise so it was kind of nice to be able to just lay around and let my mind adjust to things.
However today is Monday and Mastered is back on the job. You all probably remember the "panty plan', which i talked about and even played around with some HTML code in the widget i set up as "under construction" over in the right hand column of this journal. Well i did get my po box set up via the post office online and as i said got the widget set where all the info will be but i have not gone to actually pick up the po box key and get the box number so i can finish the whole process off-its there waiting for me i just haven't gotten around to going and getting it. But seriously, in my defense if a place is open 9-5 when the hell do they expect working people to get there. Anyway, Mastered is sick of waiting so i will go get the key and get this up and running by the weekend. In an effort to motivate me, starting tomorrow i will be wearing the same pair of panties everyday until i have accomplished this, every night those increasingly dirty panties will go over my head when i go to sleep so that "you can smell the stinky cunt they will be sniffing as they jerk off to your panties". i am sure you all know me well enough now that i wont even deny i actually like the idea of this but as the week wears on i feel sure i will like it less. Oh yeah as a bonus added by the universe i am on my period this week, lovely. Oh and i know for sure i will not be able to get to the post office until Friday ..so lucky me. Frankly, though, i feel this is a pretty lenient "motivation" by Mastered because i have taken entirely too long to wrap this up.
i have to sign off, i have a little recording to make for Mastered now. But here is todays outfit. i am guessing that i will be making up for the lack of a tit label picture today with my dirty panties over my head pic tmro.lol-stay tuned.
i don't think i have mentioned this before but every couple of weeks i get a break on the weekend tasks. That is nice for me because even though the tasks themselves only take about 1/2 an hour to an hour, the prep, the pics and working it into my schedule really can be very time consuming and takes up a lot my thoughts over the weekend so it is nice not to have to think about that and just spend time hiking with the dog and vegging out watching 2 seasons worth of "shameless" (which is AWESOME btw). But at the same time that it is nice for a change i do feel something missing on those weekends and oddly i occasionally feel a little...lonely....which is not exactly the right word but close enough. But coming at from the other side i imagine it has got to be hard for Mastered to continue to come up with these task, especially since pics are such a big part now..so it has to be something that teaches me something or takes me some place, that i can implement and that photographs interestingly. That has to become taxing, i do not envy him-some times it is nice to just have to follow orders not be the one to come up with the orders. This weekend was a non-task weekend, but maybe that was a good thing..there have been some paradigm shifts boundary-wise so it was kind of nice to be able to just lay around and let my mind adjust to things.
However today is Monday and Mastered is back on the job. You all probably remember the "panty plan', which i talked about and even played around with some HTML code in the widget i set up as "under construction" over in the right hand column of this journal. Well i did get my po box set up via the post office online and as i said got the widget set where all the info will be but i have not gone to actually pick up the po box key and get the box number so i can finish the whole process off-its there waiting for me i just haven't gotten around to going and getting it. But seriously, in my defense if a place is open 9-5 when the hell do they expect working people to get there. Anyway, Mastered is sick of waiting so i will go get the key and get this up and running by the weekend. In an effort to motivate me, starting tomorrow i will be wearing the same pair of panties everyday until i have accomplished this, every night those increasingly dirty panties will go over my head when i go to sleep so that "you can smell the stinky cunt they will be sniffing as they jerk off to your panties". i am sure you all know me well enough now that i wont even deny i actually like the idea of this but as the week wears on i feel sure i will like it less. Oh yeah as a bonus added by the universe i am on my period this week, lovely. Oh and i know for sure i will not be able to get to the post office until Friday ..so lucky me. Frankly, though, i feel this is a pretty lenient "motivation" by Mastered because i have taken entirely too long to wrap this up.
i have to sign off, i have a little recording to make for Mastered now. But here is todays outfit. i am guessing that i will be making up for the lack of a tit label picture today with my dirty panties over my head pic tmro.lol-stay tuned.
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