November 24 2013

Spare the rod, spoil the child. While i certainly don't subscribe to this theory in child rearing-it is the only effective way to treat me. I don't mean a literal rod (well when possible) but verbal and mental rods work just as well. Of course i don't think this is a big secret, i am very open about how i need to be treated and the few quotes by Mastered i put in here show that he is not exactly "sweet" but that works perfectly for us. But that does make the moments of kindness stand out even more, when kindness is withheld you become doubly, triply grateful for it.

I have been sick for about a week and a half and i was trying not to bitch about it to M, i mentioned it but i didn't ask for special treatment (you will have to check with him to see if i was actually more whiny than i think, lol). I was maybe not as enthusiastic as normal but we had just come thru a week or two where, i feel, we were just "off" a little so i didn't want to ask for special treatment or indicate in anyway that i wasn't fully engaged. But after a couple of days M just told me just to stop, don't do the things he assigned me, don't worry about being available and just take care of myself. And he said it nice, not bitchy. And you know what? That piggy pissing outside pic that i had been dreading, that i had been thinking "how the hell am i going to get up in the middle of the night when i feel like this, when it will be 30 freaking degrees?", i took that pic the night he told me to just stop. Because just that tiny little bit of consideration made me want to work 20 times harder for him. So yes, the rod is critical to keeping me where i need and want to be but those brief moments of kindness work in combination to always keep me grateful for him...that day i was grateful that he was a real Master and didn't get pissy because i was sick, today i am grateful that he is a bastard that relishes the idea that my pics are being stolen and spread across the internet showing others what a pig i am.

Apparently he randomly found this old one on some other site and i say he was downright gleeful when he told me.

 

 

**just as clarification i am not surprised that my pics get lifted it is just always a gut punch to see it. the only time i get upset, like angry upset as opposed to embarrassed upset (which is the good kind)that my degradation is shown other places, is when someone pretends my pics are their own.

November 14 2014

Ummm did i just say in my last post there are not that many epiphanies?  Well i don't know if what i am going to write about qualifies as exactly that but it is something i am struggling with yet excited by.  If your here you have probably seen the new profile pic.  So now the face i present to the world is my pig face.

I have had a profile pic with a mask on before, it was a while ago, but it was just a regular bondage mask. i hated that pic, not so much because of the mask but because i hated how my body looked. The mask was a minor irritant just contributing to the gestalt of a big hulking monster vibe. But because i hated the whole picture so much i couldn't really even focus on how the mask made me feel. But now in the profile pic i am happy with every aspect EXCEPT the mask and now i can zero in on how that makes me feel.

The obvious statement is that it makes me less "ME". Without expression, with that blank pig look i am just an anonymous body devoid of personality.  i know that is what i am "supposed" to be anyway but we all know that isn't technically the case or you wouldn't be over here reading this-clearly i am a person, i have a distinct personality damn it!!!!! But i worry about the new people who join and see me-anyone here (reading this) has had time to get to know me, but for new people that will be their first impression of me and if they don't investigate the blogs etc i will be forever imprinted in their mind that way.  Think about it-the people you talk to on SF no matter what their current pic is if you close your eyes and have to think of them its probably the pic they had when you first met them that pops into your head. So right there the pic is successful in diminishing "ME" in a very real way- they will literally think of me as a pig forever. Then even for those who have been familiar with me for a while i wonder how many videos (2 posted in a row) and pics before "I" start to fade in their minds. Its kind of like how you are told that if you are attacked you are supposed to say your own name a lot, talk about yourself so that the attacker starts to see you as a person-this is the opposite, there is less and less of me for people to identify as a person.  As this goes on with that unchanging pig face i become less and less without people even realizing there is a shift in their thinking- a totally subconscious thing.

Then there is VANITY!! i know the pig thing is not everyones cup of tea and i, furthermore, know that the only cup of tea i should be concerned about is Mastereds but...but... i am human (for a while longer anyway) and i see that the rates are lower for the pig stuff.  Those that are on board love it but some who watch me, look at me, pleasure themselves to me will not be into it and that bothers me, i can not lie. Part of that is knowing that M is knowingly making me less attractive, maybe, just because he can. Tied to that is the certainty that there are those that will be mocking, not out loud i am sure, but still, maybe to a friend in pm " jesus did you see J? i would never do that! ugh who would even find that hot she just looks ridiculous?" (if that seemed convincing its because that's what i would probably think if i had seen something like this a year ago). i don't like to be made fun of, i mean who does? And there is already another task i have been assigned that will make me behave and be seen in an even more animal-like fashion (i wont ruin the surprise).

Now the flip side to this, as always, is that these exact same things are exciting to me and i am going to do my best to push thru this first hard part, to stay open to being more of a pig, less of an individual and whatever that brings. When i told Mastered some of what my worries were his response was "it's what I demand and want from you and it's what YOU are, the PIG, a naked fuck pig in front of everyone to look at and make fun of or talk about and you can't do a thing about it as you know it's your place"  and that was what i needed to hear-i bring myself back to that statement when i get freaked out about how i am viewed.  When i switched out the pic there was only a small part of me that was excited at all of these thoughts-the freaked out part was bigger.  Now i am really getting into it.  I am looking forward, for the most part, to the task that Mastered has set for me, looking forward to showing everyone that is how Mastered wants me to behave and that i am happy not only following his orders but actually happy to be behaving like that in any case, comfortable in my skin and in my mentality.  Well maybe im not THAT ok with it yet but i am getting there!!  Mastered knows what is deep in my mind, where i really want to be, WHAT i really want to be so i just make myself do what he says when i am feeling scared and lost and usually i get to a place where i am happier and more at peace than i thought possible. 

So in an effort to further embrace the pig in me, here are some of the pics that didn't get selected as the profile pic.

 

 

i do take some small comfort in the fact that my ass looks fabulous!!!

November 11 2013

So obviously i haven't been writing a lot lately. i think there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is not everything is an epiphany anymore.  There is not much that i struggle with anymore. i am comfortable with my situation, my status.  So so many things i don't find embarrassing, shameful or degrading. Its just natural behavior, i am sure looking at me and my antics people see me as degraded..and that's good..that means that my whole perception of what is appropriate behavior is skewed to fuck pig, thing, set of holes. But its also bad because the struggle, the change is what was interesting to write about.

Then there is also the huge mental drop after the RL meeting/weekend. Quite frankly i think that is still in play even after a couple of weeks. But that is a blog or two in and of itself. But thinking of what i miss by not having RL regularly also made me think of the things we can do because of the long distance.  There are some things that might be too intrusive or invasive to realistically have in a day to day situation but that i find comforting from a distance. I have talked about this before but in case i didn't get specific: every night i check in via email and on those check ins i send pics of 2 outfits for M to chose from for the next day. Then by the time i wake up in the morning he has sent me his outfit choice plus the writing on my tits. Every morning that is the VERY first thing i see, before i am even out of bed i pull up that email.  A couple of weeks ago i was having problems getting emails from Mastered in the morning, and then i had computer problems so i couldn't send pictures..what all that means is that on and off for several weeks i wasn't able to submit my outfits or get my morning email.  And you know, that really affected me, i felt a little at loose ends with out the anchor of my day. Not to mention deciding what i was wearing on my own. I can see having someone review my outfits every day in person as being a little smothering and maybe a cause for resentment.  But at a distance it is one of the daily rituals that helps me feel under control and connected.

i forget what conversation made me start thinking of it but i would be open to and, i think, embrace accountability on a different level. If i cast my mind back i think that was how i started with this journal, an accounting of my movements everyday. In that vein i have recently become semi-obsessed with the idea of a gps type deal. i know that there are apps (don't get me started on what type of ancient cell phone M has) that can be used as well as physical gps systems.  i like the idea that at anytime M could see exactly where i am.  Maybe he is looking maybe not-i would never know- i would just know that the info is ALWAYS available to him. I cant imagine anything that would make me feel so owned, so under scrutiny than waking up, still bleary, to the phone ringing and Mastereds voice barking "what were you doing at 123 Main street last night at 12, pig?".  Not because he cares so much as to keep me on notice that he knows everything i do. I am not thinking so much permission for this or for that but just that feeling of no privacy, of accountability. M has displayed zero interest in this but it is a good example of the things that being at long distance allows.  So there can be a trade off in this whole RL vs Online thing, i feel like i can actually be waaaaay more submissive, thrive and crave that invasiveness that would overwhelm me if i was also having to be physically available everyday.

So apparently i want to be on a short leash at a long distance.