January 31 2013

i hit a big milestone today that i am excited about but a couple of other things first:  Mastered and i talked more about the panties thing. I am pretty sure i will have time to get the po box this weekend so that should be a reality..next week or so and i am very excited about it. i hope i get lots of nasty panty requests especially from my regular commenters!!!  Mastered checked in with me to see if anyone noticed my giant pigs on my monitors and i admitted that i had been keeping my apps open to hide it. Because, boy, let me tell you opening up my computer this morning and having that slap me in the face just made my stomach drop. But as soon as i admitted that i was doing that i felt guilty so i minimized everything AND within a minute -i kid you not- a guy was walking past and asked me what was up with the pig on the screen and i had to stutter thru saying i just thought it was cute AND then he wanted to stand there and chat about it..all i wanted him to do was go away but he just kept on talking about how it was a similar style to a frog cartoon he liked blah blah blah..i was dying. It was just comical.  But for the rest of the day i made sure it was visible.  For hiding i have 150 ass slaps tonight and 150 ass fucks (not that that is really a punishment, lol) and in Mastereds words "no more hiding", phrasing which seemed to work on several levels to me.

But here is what i am super excited about. All of my ass stretching has had concrete results, i am well on my way to being a gaping loose ass to fuck.  Master sent me to the bathroom to do 25 fucks with my plug and when i was done i could not keep my plug in!!! My plug has been easy to deal with it for quite a while now so i almost don't pay attention to it anymore UNTIL i started readjusting and getting ready to go back to my desk and i realized that as i was moving around my plug was slipping out of me.  I was so excited i couldn't wait to tell Master! It is one thing to be taking larger objects in my ass but proof like this that my body is changing is exhilarating. Pretty sure at this point that baring some Ron Jeremy kind of guy, i will get nothing out of having my ass fucked!! Then Mastered sends me this:   "pretty soon it will be a gaping hole and we will start taking pictures of different objects in the hole, bottles and random large objects and of course we will  keep stretching your ass so it will accommodate just about any and all cocks and with your clit  numb you will be just an object for them, slut."  oh how this fucking motivates me!! Sent me straight into a frenzy. So that was my big news today. i am sad thought because being stuffed all day is one of my favorite things. I am going to have to search for a larger one, i haven't seen bigger ones in the sex shops i go to so online i will go.  So on that topic here is a pic of my nightly ass work (that is the date written on my ass so that Master knows i did my work).

January 30 2013

i am tired from staying up too late last night (it is tough being a night owl in this early bird world!) but there were some interesting things that happened today that i want to make sure to get down so i can remember how i felt.

First of all, of course, my outfits:

And since we have a theme on Wednesdays i guess it was appropriate that i started my day with this:

Today was diaper day and i wait for Master to tell me when i am allowed to piss in my diaper. i told him that i had a training to conduct at 10 today so he told me to piss myself at 9:59.  It is hard to take yourself seriously when you are sitting in a wet diaper.  i have to admit i do love Master controlling me like this even when he does it in a mean way like that.  i am not sure if i mentioned before but when i have to go and he hasn't given me permission for a while i have to oink to him to let him know i have a situation.  i like getting slightly panicky, worrying if he will pay attention to me.

On another, somewhat sadistic note, Master sent me to icyhot my clit on one of my diaper changes.  i have mentioned before that the heat intensifies when it is trapped (say in a big bulky diaper) and what i totally didn't think about as i slathered my clit was that all of the skin was rubbed raw yesterday by my rope g-string.  i almost fainted, my vision closed in a little and i broke out in a sweat.  It was one of those moments when you just have to breathe thru it.  That was probably the most intense pain i have felt inside my cunt, on my clit since i started my training.  After a little it did calm down but i was, literally, waddling back to my desk.  Imagine trying to walk with your legs as open as possible-not elegant or dignified. Whew that was a tough one, but i am glad i know i can take it.  Something else came over me today as i was walking around in a tight skirt and my diaper (poor outfit choices on my part) i was kind of thinking that i don't care if it can be seen thru my skirt...i am proud, now, of what i do, of entertaining Master.  Now this is a dangerous attitude in some respects because i cant get too lackadaisical about all of this, but my point is that this is really sinking into my brain, changing my priorities..i was like "yeah bitches i wear diapers on Wednesday-it amuses my owner, what of it??" lol

i mentioned this to Master and of course he was not shocked, he just told me that is because i am a pig now.  That brought us to the next significant part of the day for me.  Master then told me to find a cartoon picture of a pig and make it my back round on my computer screen on my work computer and my home computer.  With my logical mind i know no one will know why i have that up other than it is a cute piggy pic but irrationally i felt like it is advertising to every one that i am a pig.  But i went with it and grabbed the first cute pic i found.  This is what i look at on my DOUBLE monitor at work all day:

It really does have an effect on me-first i am constantly embarrassed because, as i said, irrationally i feel like everyone can figure it out and second whenever i see it i have no choice but to think that it is there because Master is making me a pig.  i pretty much kept my screen covered by open applications so i didn't get overwhelmed by it.  But then Master came back and said "you are now identified as a PIG, that is your WHOLE THEME from now on...start getting little pig things for your room, go to the mall and get a workout shirt with the pig on it" and "Everything PIGGY..." and "You can even start looking for piggy coffee cups for work" and "Be happy that this is what makes me happy pig, you are my special slut/pig".  This was one of those times when my breathe just got taken away, i got sad for a little while.  i know it sounds silly for this to bother me but it looks like this is what i will be for Master and everywhere i turn i will be reminding myself of it.  i think part of what bothers me is that it is bad enough to know that this is what i want but for Master to turn it into almost a joke to rub my face in it is demoralizing (of course his disdain and belittlement of me was making me crazy wet too)  That means,of course, i am just going to take it and i have to look that fact  right in the face too:  i will do it, Master will chuckle and hopefully every day i will be less and less me and more and more Masters pig.  i wonder if any of this makes sense to any one.  

Because i am a good pig i jumped on line and quick bought a new work out shirt so i will be going public, as it were, during my workouts:

Just to add a layer of complication to this i just found out someone i know and care about is following my journal,  i gave away too many clues apparently and he figured it out..so shit just got real. Still processing how i feel about that...may write about it this weekend.

January 29 2013

this was todays outfit in its entirety (i told you todays outfit would be interesting):

oh yes! i wore the rope g-string all day today. By about 2 i was ready to lose my mind. Earlier in the day it was fun and it made me crazy horny but by 2...i was just pissed!  my cunt was irritated and all i could think about was that rope buried deep in my slit.  Gee, do you think that was what was supposed to happen?  It is so funny to me, that this outfit gets me so many compliments but if only every one knew i was only allowed to wear it because it hides the rope around my waist.

So we all know wed is diaper day, i wonder if tues is going to be rope day.  Hopefully, though, i have learned not to suggest or to guess, because that just gets me in trouble.

As i reported a couple of journals ago, i now have to spend 15 minutes a night dedicated to ass stretching, tonight was extra fun because Master wanted me to record myself counting and oinking 150 fucks of my bottle. It was surprisingly easy..that means i have a big open asshole!!!that makes me happy, hope it makes Master happy too.

TASK PICTURES

January 28 2013

just a quick entry tonight - a lot of things to do and had to do my blog for SF.  So here is my outfit (tmros should be interesting):

i have somethings to talk about but i need to figure out how i am going to approach them so nothing very interesting to talk about tonight that i didn't cover in my SF blog which will be posted tmro morning if Mastered approves it along with (hopefully) the pics to go with it.

oh one quick note to file under the category of super cute: now when i text an oink to master i add a little squiggly pig tail so it looks like this "Oink ~ "  cute, huh?  maybe i will make that my auto signature on SF, lol

Oh and on the occasion of this boring entry I HAVE CROSSED 10,000 HITS ON THIS JOURNAL. WHOO HOO!!!! Thank you every person who comes to read about my descent!!!!!

January 27, 2013

What a nice weekend this has been, went to a new salon yesterday where they cut each curl individually-poor hairdresser. The best part is that the cleaning lady came while i was gone-its like a beautiful miracle to leave a dirty house and come home to a clean house. i am always worried about what i leave laying around or if she notices all of the hooks all over my room now, but hey i'm sure she has seen it all before.... that is what i tell myself, lol.  Today i already took the dog for a hike, had a giant breakfast and am firmly planted on the sofa with my computer, book and remote, nothing to do this afternoon but a pedicure if i get motivated enough (oh and still have my punishment to do, actually looking forward to that). But the highlight so far is that last night Master called me to assist while he was whipping and fucking his other slut. i guess i shouldn't really put it like that,  Master has said he has one slut and one pig, guess who is who. At any rate it was my job to count the whippings for him. i got to fuck my ass while i did so. i got to hear Master beat and fuck his slut and he made me oink for him while she was listening, that was hard.  i am glad he did it though - just another minor hurdle to get over in my decent.  i am glad he lets me hear what i am missing when he calls like that and at least i know he is thinking of me even if it is only so that he doesn't  have to bother keeping count for himself and he and his slut can just focus on what they are doing.

Before he got off the phone he told me to keep my bottle in my ass for another hour, i think i have successfully upgraded from my fat dildo to bottle width  permanently now-i can take it without really working at it so that means i just stick with this width for a month or so and i will be able to upgrade again. The only problem is that i have a giant dildo but i feel like i will need to have an intermediate step before i can take it and that is a size hard to find, so i may have to improvise for the next level too.  my goal is to get from this to this:

(i don't know, looking at this, maybe it isn't such a huge jump from my bottles to the big dildo, hmmm nothing to do but work at it right?)

I am inspired and motivated though because as Master was fisting his sluts cunt he was telling me that it will be me soon but he will be fisting my ass-can not imagine the high pitched pig squealing that will provoke!

As i said i do have a half an hour of punishment to do today but no task so no blog to write tonight. But knowing me i will probably post here about my punishment since i haven't explained what it is yet. i think i have all the hooks and equipment rigged correctly in my slut room- i hope so because i get so frigging frustrated when i cant do everything i want for Master (and for myself, lol).

January 26 2013

woke up thinking of all of Masters plans for me and felt like doing some early morning ass training to help them along. 

(i am going to go with i am being artistic, not that the flash refused to go off for some reason)

January 25 2013

i am not going to post my outfit and label today, instead i am going to post yesterdays label, entitled "dumb ass":

That is the label i received yesterday morning from Master after i failed, not only to submit outfits for his approval, but didn't check in at all wed night. In addition to my "dumb ass" label i had a punishment of stringing 6 of my water bottles up thru one of my hooks on the wall, clipping them to my cuntlips and crawling forward until the water bottles raised to the hook then crawling backwards until they touched the ground again 100 times - that was my choice of 3 punishments. Well my wall turned out being the one that took the punishment, the hook ripped off the wall when i tried to pull the bottles by crawling.  So i took these pics to at least appease Master and did a version of another punishment BUT it was outside so i couldn't take pics.  So in a colossally stupid move i asked for anther punishment that i could take pictures for Master so he could see that i did it.  He seems to trust me when i say i do something but keeping that trust is super important to me so i would rather go thru 2 punishments to make sure i can show i did it. i will save the explanation of my new punishment for when i post the pics, if Master lets me-suffice it to say i am taking another trip to hardware store.   i wont bother with any excuses about why i broke the rules, i just did and i am sorry, i don't think i let Master down often but i definitely did this time BUT it wont happen again.

In other news Master informed me today i will be getting a PO box and that i am to write here, on my journal, that  "my Master has allowed me to send to any Master that wants, a pair of my cum filled panties, the cost is ten dollars, ONLY to cover the panties and shipping, i will also send  a personal note along ".  i was quiet when he told me for a couple of minutes, a couple of things ran thru my head-mainly i was uncomfortable about the money thing, i don't want anyone who has taken the time to follow my entries to think i am profiting in ANY way from anything that i do or that i would take advantage of anyone, the most important thing to me on this journey is that i be absolutely authentic and real and right now i feel like i have credibility and i don't want to lose that. So i figure when i go get my po box i will get a price list for those puffy envelopes and post it here and then post a receipt for panties so anyone who wants can verify the cost. i expressed my concerns about this to Master but he didn't seem to think it would be a problem. Once i got past that i got pretty excited about this idea. i like that men can not only see every inch of me, every private moment and act but now they will be able to smell me too. My dirty slave brain kicked into overdrive then as i disingenuously asked Master if he thought that anyone would want panties worn for several days - he said that some might request that or possibly pissed in panties or period panties. i am down for all of it! i have mentioned before to Master that i hope men are getting off to my pics, how wonderful it would be to know that men are looking at a picture of me, smelling me and thinking of degrading me and using me when they cum!! Thinking of that reminds me that anyone who is reading this, no matter how respectful comments might be, is really thinking of me as a cunt, cockwhore, slut, fuckthing, aahhhh i love that so many men out there now know what i really am!!!  Had  i been wearing panties once i started thinking that way they would have been good to send to someone (and now writing this too, lol)! i am already thinking of the notes i will write to send along, maybe i will talk about what things i was thinking about when i got the panties all wet the day i wore them, and of course i will express my deep gratitude for helping me sink even further into my true nature! I am not lying when i say my cunt is literally aching right now thinking of this plan of Masters!!!!!!!!!!

When i get the PO box all worked out i will post it here and figure out if i need to set up a temp email address to facilitate the process and all the other specifics. OOOOO so excited!! i cant wait to start sending out my wet slut panties!!!

On a somewhat related note, today i was out for drinks after work and some random guy kept looking at me, not in a smiley "hey can i buy you a drink way", but more like taking a double take way and i thought "i wonder if he knows me as slave J", the thought did not make me unhappy-i know the odds are against it but i hope he was someone that knew i was sitting there with a fat plug in my ass and writing across my chest, that he was someone who knows that Master makes me oink to cum and that wednesdays are diaper days for me! Ah well, a slut can dream, right?

Jan 23 2013

I have been out and about tonight so no real entry tonight but there is a  random thought i want to capture. There is a pretty pic on SF of a girl with her hands chained behind her and her ankles chained to them by nicqu. When Master came to see me we initially thought we had the entire weekend to spend together and he wanted to go to a "resort" of sorts, which is about 2 hours away. My thought (and this was only my thought nothing Master said indicated he wanted this) was that i would love to be bound like that, tossed in the back seat with a blanket casually thrown over me, gagged so i dont bother Master as he drives, diapered so he wouldn't have to worry about me messing up his seats if he didnt stop.a piece of luggage to be hauled. MMMM that is still a fav image of mine. if we traveled  why would i not be transported like that, is what  i have to chat about interesting to him? i think not, much better if i am moved like livestock....oinking periodically just to try to get Masters attention. 

January 22 2013

no journal tonight, just had a super intense phone session with Master that i recorded, i love hearing my unintelligible oinks and squeals, moans and grunts. i sound like a desperate animal....and always in my ear Masters calm controlled voice commanding me. oh god, cant even talk right now.

but here is a pic of what else i do with all those water bottles just to keep it interesting:

January 21 2013

Had great interaction today with Master, my schedule is finally leveling out.  i was on icyhot every 2 hours cunt, ass and tits.  OOO!!  just when it would calm down it was time to do another application! Then he added that i had to clip my cunt shut for 15 minutes every 2 hours.  I was so thankful that he said i could do it 15 minutes after i applied the icyhot because to trap all that heat in my cunt would have been excruciating! After i did my 3 o'clock application which was the 4th of the day, i went to the kitchen to grab my lunch and there had apparently been a time delay on the cream this time because i was trapped in the kitchen talking to 2 other people when it kicked in full force and all i could think about was how badly i wanted to to open my legs and get some cool air on my cunt.  But my skirts are short so there was no way at all to do it discretely. i honestly don't even know what i contributed to the broken microwave conversation. i just kept thinking what would the guy that was talking to me do if i acted like i really wanted to act right at that moment...could these people even imagine what was going on under my clothes? Cunt tits and ass on fire, slut label in full effect:

(I was kind of sloppy this morning with my writing-just couldn't get it right)  If i hadn't been in so much pain the absurdity of the tableau in the kitchen would have made me laugh.  i love it when Master torments me like this, unable to focus, form a coherent thought. Earlier in the day he had sent me to the bathroom to cum.  This was pretty hard for me because-i think i have talked about this before- the only way i really get off myself is with my 2 dildos (and generally some weighted nipple clamps swinging back and forth) but i did have my big plug in and in my slut kit ( i will tell you what that is in a minute) so i had my vibrating egg.  i found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor, face on the ground reaching around to fuck my ass with my plug and rubbing my clit with my vibrating egg and i did cum once Master started texting me what a slut, pig, piss drinking cunt i am.  Wasn't an earth shattering orgasm but i was certainly reminded of my place when i took a second to think about how quickly i found myself  with my ass up in the air and MY FACE ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR trying to follow Masters orders (he was pleased at how i positioned myself). Wow. Talk about embracing my inner filthy slut! And of course to let him know i had cum i had to oink to him.

To explain my slut kit, back when i started with Mastered,  one day i happened to have brought some clothes pins in my purse to work and he had me use them on my cunt lips, so i started carrying them around regularly, then one day he wanted me to use the icyhot and i didn't have it with me but i hadn't been instructed to have it so i didn't get in trouble but i was disappointed i couldn't do what Master wanted. So now i carry my slut kit, it has 4-6 clothes pins, icy hot, vibrating egg, diaper, and as soon as i get my ass to the hardware store i will put some steel wool in it. So now where ever i am i am fairly prepared to torture myself when Master has the urge.

i already talked about the fact that i got bored and invented a little game for myself over the weekend. Well also when i was bored and laying around my slut room i started thinking of my task and the logistics, and i REALLY wanted to be able to wear my pig tail  for the whole task but i already knew that it slipping out was going to be an issue so i was trying to think of solutions. The solution i came up with wasn't good enough to actually work at the mall but i thought it was super cute so i started taking pictures, they turned out well so i sent one to Master for the fun of it and he must have liked it because he wants me to post it here:

How cute is that??? Seriously??

Well off to do some reading, half way thru Black Hawk Down and much as Master hates it i will be thinking of something other than sex for just a little while, lol.

January 19 2013

OMG just had to jump on and write a little bit.  Tonight at around 1:00 am  i was bored.  Started thinking that i should probably put in some time working my asshole-haven't had a lot of time to do that lately. So i put on my mask (yes, put on my mask) mounted my dildos and started DPing myself. This is always fun but i was still kind of bored so i made up a game for myself!!!! i worked them at my regular speed but imagined Mastered quizzing me like he does sometimes while i pumped those two fat cocks (i think i was inspired by a convo Amber and i had earlier), so i said my mantra: i am a cock whore, cunt and slut. i am tits cunt and ass and nothing else. i am a pig and a toilet whore. i am a fuck thing for men to use, i am a pisswhore. i imagined Mastered peppering me with more questions: which holes are for anybody he decides to use: my ass and mouth, what is just for him: my pig cunt. what do i do when i need to ask to piss on diaper days: oink for permission. How many slaps does my cunt get everynight: 10. etc. so i just went thru some rules, some things that i have been taught.  THEN i started pumping faster and tried to say the same things to my self in the same order, without cumming of course.  THEN i went into the lightning round and went even faster with my ass hitting the wall and tried to say them again. OMG i was literally drooling and i messed up my mantra, i was squealing worse than on the audio from last post. But once i managed to do everything in what i think was the same order as the first two rounds i let myself cum. I love this game!!!i  had the best time i could by myself, lol.  i hope Mastered reads this and likes the idea - i'd like to try to answer questions that i didn't make up myself (that made it a tad bit easier, lol).  Anyway i took these pics a couple of days ago for Mastered but i looked something like this tonight too:

Thats all i had to write, must be on an orgasm high....now i'm going to be up another 3 hours, oh well -totally worth it!!

January 17 2013

Wow a lot has been going on in my head lately. i am going to try to get it out and writen down here but please bear with me if i am kind of all over the place.

This is a terrificly stressful time of the year in my industry, crazy busy, constant deadlines and when everyone else is celebrating the holidays i am working and rushing around to fit everyting in. i have also been pretty sick for the last week and i am not a good patient. i have been off schedule since before christmas with Mastered and my current work schedule is still wreaking havoc with our interactions. So i have been feeling very whiney, very woe is me.   Looking back on my last couple of journals i bitched about my profile pic and i, in a slightly veiled way, questioned Mastereds plans to share me.  Secretly i even thought of quitting, telling Mastered i cant do it.

Part of me felt very resentful because i felt like Mastered should see that i am struggling with something and he should be helping me.  Having gone thru somewhat of a break thru in the past couple of days i can see now (and i have known in the past but clearly forgot) that what Mastered does is let me work these things out for myself.  To be spoon fed answers or platitudes wont work for me. i have to own my realizations.  Dont get me wrong on the 2 occasions i actually needed to speak to Master about a problem he addressed it immeadiately and directly but if i am just kind of hinting that something is going on he stays pretty distant. I think what i had been struggling with is that i got very comfortable in my current role and as i alluded to in my proflie pic journal, i started to think that this was about me and while i am part of the equation, i lost sight of the fact that i am here to serve. So i started to chaff at my boundaries, starting to think i knew better. There were also alot of things that Mastered has planned for me that became a little over whelming- the sharing, the piercing and now a chasitity belt until i can get the piercing.  i think that because the sharing and the piercing were kind of off in the future i was able to deal but then when he brought up the chasitity belt as something that would be happening more immediately i started to freak out about the level of commitment this situation  is demanding of me.  So all of this chaos was swirling around in my head.  But into this storm 2 comments came and resuced me.

My friend NosySandy made the comment that she likes the dehumanization of my profile pic and she finds it sexier the more interesting the personality of the person suffering the dehumanization is. i am paraphrasing her and i hope i captured her sentiment correctly. Her comment kind of brought it back into focus that the point is to lose myself, not just in the throws of the tasks but in general. The vanilla me has to take charge, has to carry the weight but i am with Mastered to let go of all of that-i dont need to be this personality here or with him, i just have to allow my brain the freedom to just obey, that is all i have to do.  He is very clear about what pleases him and that is just doing what he says-it is simple and i need to value that instead of getting my ego all twisted up in it.

Then BossMaster said this: "To simplify the entire issue to one idea, the way I look at it is -- a slave is only really submitting if it is something she hates. If you like it...such as having tits clipped, then it isn't a test of your willingness to submit to your Owner's wishes."  
So beautifully simple, again, it made me realize i had in my hubris started to think of my comfort, wishes and desires as important.  When the only desire i have that rates is pleasing Mastered. This comment snapped me back from my wallowing, self indulgent thoughts.

Two women also went out of their way to help me by describing their situations and their selflessness inspired me to, again, drop my own concerns and refocus on my purpose. Thank you Amber and Kim.

Last night Mastered let me fuck both of my dildos, he didn't put any conditions on it other than i was to send him pics.  But i found myself going to my bag of tricks and pulling out my mask and putting it on and embracing it-that this is how Master wants me so that is how i should want to be. i feel re-focused and recommited.  i don't know if Mastered knew that i was having a "moment" the past couple of weeks or not.  But i believe he did and trusted that i would work it out...and look at that--i did. (with a little help from my friends)

Now to a slightly more fun topic...what have i been up to the past couple of days? Well looks like Master is really all about making me his pig and it feels right.  i now have a pig tail, my back yard is my pig pen and the past couple of nights Master has sent me out to my pig pen to piss. Tonight i go out with my mask on and my tail plug in.  Its a good thing that i moved past my fear of losing my self of being dehumanized, huh?

i am attaching a slide show with audio.  In the pics i am showing off my new piggy tail. The accompanying audio is from last night while i  rode both of my large dildos, both holes wonderfully filled and i was allowed to cum. There are oinks, snorts and squeals as i cum for the first time since i saw Mastered. i was having a fabulous time embracing my true nature. I am Mastereds pig.

jan 15 2013

no journal tonight- sick and sleepy. but here is a picture of my ass i like, lol. oh i will write, quickly, that i had to go to the store and restock on diapers. got stuck in the longest line with that giant bulky package, i imagine  that master would really have enjoyed me standing there for long minutes trying to hide the picture on the front or hold it so that what it was didnt show. very uncomfortable.

January 14 2013

Monday, ugh. sick with the flu and too busy at work to call in. BUT, huge BUT..today started off great because Master picked the outfit i wanted.....the one with my fabulous new red shoes:

But, sad face, no slut label this morning. I don't know if that is a permanent state of affairs or just today, i guess i will find out tmro.

okay, i have known for a couple of hours what i am writing about tonight: my new profile picture on SF.  I loathe it, with every fiber of my being i hate that picture. I think it is unfeminine, i feel like a hulking monster in it.

Here is the honest 100% truth about why this bothers me sooooo much.  It was a hard adjustment coming to terms with the fact that my vanilla strengths are valueless in my current situation, that being witty, smart and interesting didn't really count for me anymore. Out in the world, i count on my charisma to attract people and get what i want. i am quite arrogant and i think i have good reason.  But when i entered this world everything that i look to to validate my feelings of arrogance became irrelevant. Mastered took very little time in driving that point home.  One thing really stands out that he did to teach me my personality was of very little import to him and in fact was counter productive to pleasing him - one day  i was flippant ( a charming trademark of mine in regular life) once too often.  i have to say that was probably the angriest i have known him to be and that day he forbade me from making any jokes at all, no "lols", no teasing, nothing.  I almost quit that day. No joking - are you serious? so i am just supposed to be this personality-less thing with no sense of humor?? Well yes-that is exactly what i am supposed to be. I am glad he did that now, in my own way i was trying to minimize again, diminish the process so i could still feel good about myself in conventional terms. (he has eased off on the joking and as long as i know my place i can tease A LITTLE bit).

Over the months i have come to accept that my value is based on my ability to please Mastered, to please men in general and that is probably why i have thrown myself into being as expressive in pictures as i possibly can-because men are responding positively to them.  i accept that my value is as a sexual object, a thing, holes . But it is in human nature to want to feel good about yourself, to feel like you have worth in whatever system of values you find yourself in.  So lo and behold i began to be proud of my pics....you see where this is going right? In some pic series Master may pick some that aren't my first choice but there will always be one or two that i look at, like, "damn i'm hot" and smile.  Arrogance is a hard trait to eradicate. So in this alternate value system i had still found a way to feel a strong sense of self worth. I would log on and see my "pretty" profile pic and feel good.  THEN Sunday Master, oh so casually, said he liked the bondage mask one and we should change my profile pic for a while. i honestly thought of ignoring the email and seeing if he would forget because it was such an off the cuff remark, but obviously i did change it. Now my profile does not reflect how i would like to be perceived and that bothers me. My profile reflects how Mastered likes me to be perceived-which is absolutely as it should be. Since Sunday every time i log on i am confronted with absolute proof that what i think of myself is meaningless, that i am what Mastered wants me to be, i am not what i had started to think of as "my image".

Until this afternoon Mastered had no idea that i was upset about the picture change, unless he could tell from the fact i hadn't mentioned it. Today when i did say something it was just to say i did not like it-not to ask to change it back.  Even as i expressed my distaste for the picture and secretly hoped he would change it back, i understood suddenly the value of keeping it up, of having to log in and see myself like that, to be embarrassed every time i look at it, to embrace that knot in my stomach when i look at it, the feeling of powerlessness it provokes and know that i have no say over it-i voluntarily gave up that say because i want, really want, to be a blank slate that Master can  mold into the lowest basest slut possible. Maybe i will get there some day..

As a side note: I commented on a story Master of Sluts wrote a while ago and said basically that  as a woman i feel like - do what you want to me but please let me look sexy while you do it. Aint that a bitch?

Jan 12 2013

Todays journal entry is about things i am curious about and questions i have been trying to work through lately because i think getting used by someone other than Master is the next big thing i have to deal with.  I hope that Masters and slaves will respond in comments because i am very very interested in their thoughts so i can get some perspective.

i  have written before that it is in Masters plans to have me used by other men.  i am fine with that on most levels (not that i have a choice) but it would be a lie if i pretend i dont have some trepidation about some aspects of this.   i am a real person with real thoughts and feelings, much as we would like that not to be the case,  the trick is to have my issues but to be disciplined enough to put them aside, to decide that what Master wants is more important, to revel in my submission.

I don't presume to know what Master really plans for me but there are somethings i do know about what will happen: my cunt is only for Master so that hole will not be used by other men, that means strangers will only use my ass or my mouth.  I am not to derive any satisfaction physically from serving men other than Master.  This entails, again, no use of my cunt and numbing gel on my clit to make sure, that is also why he has been focused on get my asshole nice and loose so i have minimal sensation. For the most part i have wrapped my mind around everything i just wrote but there is one thing that i do worry about.  i am funny about my mouth, i guess kind of like a prostitute,  i would rather be fucked in my ass or cunt than suck a strangers cock. I can totally detach and just think of myself as holes with that but to have to use my mouth, thats very personal to me. ( on the other hand i love to serve Master with my mouth in what ever capacity he wants to use it) So that is pretty much what i know and i have one question for slaves and one question for Masters that have been floating around my head.

From a slave perspective i know we are supposed to just do what we are told and not have any doubts or thoughts but, come on we are human, how do you deal with the person Master wants to share you with that is just not doing it for you? as i said not so much getting fucked but sucking their cock? i know a bind fold would help since i wouldn't even be in a position to judge if some one was, for whatever reason not doing it for me, but what if you are not allowed a blind fold AND a blindfold wouldn't help if they aren't manscaped, which is a big deal to me. i am curious if you just get used to it after awhile, if it is always difficult, what thoughts go thru your head and how did you get to a place where you could just serve and not have an opinion about the men you are serving. i hope that the first time i am used by someone i just get to blind fold myself and wait for who ever master sends to show up and use me so i never even have to deal with seeing but its not my choice so i want to be prepared mentally.

I am also curious, from a Masters perspective about using a slut/slave that takes no physical pleasure in your attention. In my experience, in both vanilla and bdsm, men are very invested in getting the person they are fucking to cum. Obviously i enjoy serving and being used and have written before that i love being denied, thats kind of the whole point to me. But how does it make a man feel to know that a) you as a specific person might not be wanted and b) that no matter how skilled you are you will not bring any satisfaction? i worry that by not being able to participate in that way i might make someone feel bad,   like i am just there (figuratively) filing my nails while he is pumping he heart out, ya know what i mean?.  i guess not cumming strikes me as almost rude or bad manners. i understand that the fact that it BORDERS on non consent or reluctance may be part of the attraction but those type of porn stories always end with the chick realizing how awesome the fucking is and getting off, lol.  My question may be simpler than i thought: does it have any effect on a man positively or negatively if a slut does not get off on your cock?

Typing all of this has actually made me quite horny - i do LOVE my little fantasy of being blindfolded in a hotel as man after man just come in and fucks my ass, pokes, prods, pulls, fondles, and slaps me, no satisfaction for me just a messy unsatisfied cum dump by the time its done.  After the last man leaves im not allowed to clean up-have to walk to my car with strangers cum running out of me and down my legs.  (of course you will notice that my fantasy does include a blind fold and does not included blowing anyone, lol)
Right now all i have to go on is fantasy, i cant wait to feel this physically and mentally FOR REAL.

Jan 10 2013

Today i am paying for going out last night and i am tired but i really wanted to post today so i am powering thru so i can record some things before my initial feelings begin to fade.  But of course todays outfit:

Master and i had a convo yesterday that i want to talk about and there were a couple of things he had me do that i want to talk about as well, but even as open as i am i am uncomfortable talking about some of this. But slaves do not have the luxury of privacy or dignity, right? If there are things Master wants me to do then i do them regardless of how i may feel, that these behaviors make him happy is all that matters....right?

Of course yesterday was diaper day and as with the past couple of weeks i wait until Master tells me to piss and then no matter where i am i do it. Well yesterday he told me that when i need to go i had to oink to ask permission. (that was one of those sentences it was hard to write,  haven't had one of those for awhile). Privately i didn't mind.  i rather enjoyed that my part of our conversation yesterday was largely limited to oinking, just further erasing my identity BUT i don't like admitting that i liked it-i would like to keep it my dirty little secret.  But if i did that i would not be being true to what i am so there it is: Masters pig oinked for permission to piss. Oh wait though, it gets worse..

Master told me that later that night i was to piss outside in my back yard like a dog.  Now i knew this was coming down the pike so it wasn't that shocking and i had no problem whatsoever with it, this is the level i want to be taken to. However i happened to say that i hoped it wouldn't be muddy outside and Master said "if it is roll around in it like the pig you are", i was pretty sure he was joking so i said "There's nothing sexy about that" just kind of teasing.  Well that's when things started to go badly. ( when the hell will i learn). i insisted that he must be joking but he said i had a lot to learn and essentially that what is hot is not my concern, my only concern is doing what he says. So there i sat trying to visualize rolling in the mud for Master. And it started to sink in, the thought worked its way past my normal brain and got down to my slave brain and it started to turn me on, thinking of Master standing over me and commanding his piglsut to roll around in the mud.  THAT IS SUPER HARD TO ADMIT, that is really why i am uncomfortable writing about this, not because of the activities i am writing about but admitting that my slave brain got off on it after a second.  Master says that's how it always is with me, "you always balk in the beginning and then embrace it. The initial shock and then you get it".  So i guess tonights post is really more of  a confession of mine-yes yes yes this is how i want a man to treat me okay? got somethin' to say about it? lol. Like Master is fond of making me repeat: he teaches me humiliation degradation and punishment and i crave it!!  i already know the exact muddy area in the woods behind my house i will be wallowing in when it gets warmer...good god where will i draw the line, is it even possible for me to even do that anymore?

Normally i proof read and do some editing but i am hitting the button to post before i decide to take some of this out.

January 8 2013

What a day, glad its over, no work out tonight-i suck. Not feeling very chatty today.  Probably because i was so busy today and didn't have time, yet again, to talk much with Master. That stifles my creative juices and other juices too, har har har. wow i AM in bad shape. lol Maybe once i start typing interesting things will just start to appear on the page.

Here is todays outfits-this is one of my favs so that was a good start to the day.  And of course my "slut label"- i like that, i think that is what i will start calling my writing everyday.

Today i did have a couple of interesting interludes with Master, now that i stopped wallowing in my work misery and can lay here and think about it. i had to icy hot my tits every hour and then before i left work i had to do it all-tits ass and cunt...mmmm i was burning all over-love it.  Please don't think that Master has lost his creativity because i had to do this again, he really wanted me to put sand paper in my bra all day but i had run out so this was his substitute. I am a little scared/curious about the other item he told me to put on my shopping list for the hardware store when i go to restock on sandpaper...he told me to buy steel wool too. i don't even know how THAT is going to feel! But off to the hardware store i will go this weekend.  I saw a punishment bra once that i really liked- it was leather and on the inside of the cups it had metal prongs.. not pins or tacks (i don't think i would be cool with breaking the skin) but these metal prongs that would just dig into you all day, i thought that would be horrible/wonderful but steel wool may have replaced that in my imagination. i guess i will find out.  That conversation with Master definitely got my full attention and got me focused!

Tmro is diaper day..didn't i just have a diaper day? Oh i know why i feel that way-on Sunday Master had an impromptu diaper day.  i had planned to go to the mall so i had to wear it for that...imagine every time i tried something on i had to see my ridiculous self in the mirror.  But, god, i cant tell you how much i love getting that text yelling at me to piss where ever i am!  How does one yell in text you ask..i don't know exactly but somehow  i know he is yelling.  Master also told me i will have my vibrating egg in my cunt all day tmro as well. whew its going to be a day-pretty sure by the time i get home i will be desperate to cum but no such luck for me.

Well my creativity still does not seem to be kicking in so i think i am just going to lay here and mindlessly relax. i have mentioned a couple of times in other blogs that i have little mantras that Master gives me to say. i have some of the recorded that i play on a loop when i want to relax and have had an especially bad day that i just want to put behind me.  That is what i will be listening to when i sign off.  i put on my blindfold and  i say it along with the recording  and it just soothes me, quiets my thoughts.  i have found myself on other occasions, when i am nervous or tense, repeating parts of it just to calm my brain ( it also can get stuck in my head like a song sometimes, lol). i thought people might like to hear it so i am attaching the audio file.

Jesus that took me an hour to figure out how to get an audio up here, i had to add a slide show and turn it into a video (so much for relaxing). BTW apparently you have to have adobe for this to play.  Beyond that if it doesnt play i got nothin' for ya. It is playing for me when i log in as a guest so it is working as far as i can tell.

January 7 2013

So it seems i am pretty much back on my schedule, back to the gym and tanning, the tasks,the pics, the blog.  Job is still crazy..ugh 3 more weeks of it..the only reason that bothers me is because it interferes with my interactions with Master...how dare my employer demand my attention!! But Master is nice about it, make no mistake, i wouldn't want him to be nice in any other way but since i have to it to keep my dog fed and my mortgage paid its good he doesn't make me feel like i am letting him down.

This is the outfit and label Mastered  picked for me today:

On Saturday i decided to give myself a little challenge, and then write a surprise blog for Master to find here with some pics.  But after i did my self-inflicted challenge and looked at the pics i thought i wouldn't be able to communicate it well and in a way that would be interesting to anyone but me and he would just be, like "ho hum". But on Sunday i told him what i had done and he said he had been thinking of having me do something along the same lines and then said the pics were good.  SO i will go ahead and drop the mystery and write about it now (although i am still worried it will not come across as exciting or daring or even titillating, lol) This next part starts with the blog i had begun to write and abandoned so that is why it is a little redundant.

Today after my task i was kind of keyed up and had some slave energy to expend so i decided to set my self a task i had been thinking about. It was a thought inspired by a series of photos on SF and i thought it might make Master smile.  i decided i would wait until dark and get on my bed with my ass facing the window and showed off my holes for 5 minutes.  The window faces a hill so anyone coming down the hill would get an eye full of this slut showing off, so it it not like i was playing it safe by being in an upstairs window.  There are also 3 neighbor houses ( all of which have husbands and no kids) who could get a good look too.  So i turned off my lights and pulled up my blinds, got the camera situated and then turned on the lights got into position -cunt and ass up and directly in front of my window.  I reached forward and set off the camera-it takes 3 pictures at a time and i did it twice.  What that means is: not only was my window glaring light out into the night with me totally exposed but 6 flashes went off directly at the window as well.  It was a great feeling thinking that anyone could be walking on that hill and look directly at me showing what a slut i am, or that some guy across the way at his sitting at his computer would see the flashes and look out his window and look right across at me.  Don't know if that happened or not, no cops showed up, but a girl can hope right?

 In one way this was less daring than going outside simply by virtue of being inside but i did do this at an earlier time, around  10 on a Saturday so there was a much better chance people would be around and i wasn't slinking in the shadows - i was in a spot light as it were.  When my 5 minutes was up i got up walked across the room turned out the light and then went and pulled down the blinds.  Now this probably doesn't sound like a big deal but i dare you to open your blinds at night and walk around naked, you feel EXTREMELY vulnerable.  i think part of that is because you can't see out.  When i was standing outside i could hear and see what was going on around me. But on display in that window i literally had no idea who was seeing me showing off my fuckholes.  By the time i finished i was dripping wet, well really i had been since i had completed my official task earlier. (To digress a bit: i love being this worked up and not being able to do anything about it-Master doesn't really even talk about letting me cum over the weekends anymore, which used to be a reward for completing my task, now i am just stuck like this.  But it is good in the long run because my job is to be always ready to be fucked-and that is certainly the case. i love being denied, it is exquisite torture.

Anyway, i really did want to do another 5 minutes of just standing right in the window naked, just full frontal with no doubt that i am meaning to be seen but i chickened out.  But let me tell you, as i was kneeling there wild thoughts went through my head-like putting my suction cup dildo on the window and fucking it, and of course, being in the situation in the pics that inspired my thoughts-to just be opened up and  on display for any and all to gawk at on some busy street.  If you don't know the series of photos i am talking about they are called "window dressing" and were posted about the middle of last week. The woman in the photos was blindfolded- i cant decide what would be worse being able to see or not. If you cant see your imagination might run wild and think there are billions of people walking by but not being blindfolded and seeing for real some random dude just stop and look and see everything about you-that would be tough too.

Here are the photos i took while i was kneeling there, you can see by the little smile on my face i am enjoying my dirty thoughts and hoping some horny guy across the way is jerking off to my display.

i started off small with my risk factor here but as with everything i do, now i just want to do more, lol.   i do have to keep in mind this is a little dangerous legal-wise but i figure you probably get one friendly visit from the police with a warning before an actual arrest. Plus the married moms that live around me already hate the "party girl" on the block anyway so what the hell.

Pictures

Here are the pictures SF rejected - i hope you enjoy them!

 

Cleaning Masters cock after he used my cunt and ass

Allll the way down.

January 2 2013

Well i'm back!! So glad the holidays are over and i can get back to normal.  I just wanted to get back on schedule with Master.  i think i mentioned before that being on some what of a structured schedule with Master helps me stay on track in real life too. Mainly because i have to make sure i have time to accomplish all my tasks for him. So today we were back in full effect. I woke up with my words to label myself with:

Of course the big event of my holiday season was seeing Master but im sure if your here you read all about that over on SF.  Sometimes i get an actual physical jolt when it think about it, or something will cause a sudden flash of specific memory and it is like electricity hitting me. i love that but it also makes it harder to have to wait for more real time. BUT enough of that..

You might remember before i took my little holiday break Master had decided that Wednesdays are diaper days so i got right back to it today. i have a love/hate relationship with those things. i love what it makes me feel and ..well i hate what it makes me feel. They are uncomfortable and ridiculous looking but when i am sitting at my desk and i get the text from Master: "Piss slut",  and i do it i love the feeling of absolute domination. When Master texts me and tells me to sit in my piss and remember feeling his cock i love the feeling of degradation. When i have to go lick and kiss the toilet but i am not allowed to use it i love the feeling of humiliation. I am not sure if i mentioned it before but when i drive home from work i am to pull up my skirt so that my bare ass is on the seat and my cunt shows but on Wednesdays its my diaper that shows as i drive-this particular rule is going to get much more interesting in the spring!

As inconvenient as having to get approval on my outfits, waiting for Master to tell me when to piss, not being allowed to cum, all of these rules that control really significant parts of my life are, i do love them and feel the most happy when i am working within their structure. i almost find it easy to adhere and really truly submit to these big rules but i was thinking today (because i am always curious about the whole 24/7 thing) that although i am okay with things like willingly turn over control of when where and how i use the bathroom i would totally balk at someone, say, telling me when to eat or have my coffee or when i can relax and read. There are things that are so hard to reconcile in my head about a TPE.  BTW this is not a conversation Master and i are having or even anything specifically about us but just my own thoughts on what course my life may take waaaaaaay in the future. ive bugged a slave over on SF that i am friends with but i hate to be nosy or indelicate. The big rules i get, for instance, she does an enema a day and always is diapered -i think she once said she is only allowed to clean the toilet not use it...ok so that is a BIG rule and i can get my head around that...but to not just be able to get in bed and take a nap if i feel like it? can not get my head around that. I am really just kind of rambling (out of practice with the blogging, lol) but bottom line is as i sat in my wet diaper today it did occur to me how odd it was that i am fat and happy with that state of affairs BUT small things like the fact that i can only wear 2 colors of nail polish can really, i'm just going to say it, piss me off.

Complete topic change ahead:

Another thing i was thinking about today as i got a barrage of text and messages calling me a pig was how normally after spending the night with someone i might expect a couple of texts talking about how much fun it was or when will we go out again or any variety sweet messages (which i like, if for no other reason than it is always good to know i fucked someone well) but after my night with Master i just got texts ordering me to oink, calling me a slut.  No: "that was great baby". no: "you are amazing" (lol) none of that.  It took a little while to adjust and part of me did really believe that eventually i would get something like that but i never did....because he is Mastered and i really should have known better. i would have been disappointed, frankly, if he had. His complete and utter control over every situation with me makes me smile.

Well just a quick random blog tonight to get me back in the swing of things....