Feb 28 2013 (2)

there are some days that just .....wow...that just... i don't even have words for.

i am going to talk about something that i haven't so far because i don't want to hear any sanctimonious shit from anyone about how i am missing out on something on a deeper level yadda yadda yadda.  This is my truth and damn it i am going to put all of it out here. Here it goes:  Mastered and i don't know each other, we don't know each others history except for some bare minimums that are needed to communicate effectively. We don't know what each others hopes and dreams are. We don't know each others favorite foods.  None of that. We know THIS stuff about each other. Its what we talk about, what we think about when we interact. emotions don't play a big part at all. i do not love him nor he me. We serve a purpose, very effectively, for each other - its a selfish relationship on both of our parts.   i feel like he is the best most competent boss i have ever had, able to bring the best performance out of me in order to get what we both want.   Its another one of the contradictions that exist in my head now: i am more passionate about and dedicated to this person that i know virtually nothing about (and want to know virtually nothing about) than i have been about almost any other man ever. He says things and does things upon occasion that literally make me want to throw myself at his feet crying in gratitude, that is LITERALLY how he makes me feel-no exaggeration. If you are reading this you have probably read my other stuff and know i am not one to go in for over blown declarations, i try to "keep it real" and i am telling you he sometimes looks inside me and sees the absolute truth about me. i don't know how he does it but when he does it makes me yearn, it makes me ache, it makes a lot of other things i have felt pale in comparison. Groveling at his feet in supplication seems a fitting repayment for helping me feel something so strongly. Obviously today was one of the times he did that. Another for the list of contradictions: how can such can vile filthy words and actions take me to such a euphoric place? i don't know the psychology and frankly i don't care that much because i just love feeling this way! Thank you Mastered.

Todays outfit:

 

if there was room enough i would have added "in my ass with very large objects" lol

Feb 28 2013

Hi everyone- i want to add a quick note about comments as there seem to be some new people commenting and because i learned about the comment section recently (never really thought about it from a commenters prospective).  First of all for anyone who takes the time to comment i appreciate it and answer almost every comment indvidually, and usually address any questions or thoughts posted that way. I have the settings on my journal set so that it is as easy as possible for anyone to comment (under the anonymous type)-meaning you dont have to register etc. But what that also means is that you will not be notified if there is a repy to your comment. i believe you can create an account with Blogger and it will automatically create a gmail address for you OR if you already have a gmail address that will be your signature and you will be notified of any reply to your comment. My main point is that if you take the time to comment i will take the time to answer you, you may just have to back track to see it. Thanks!!

February 27 2013

For tonights journal i wanted to post, for those of you who did not approve of my leather pants (even tho they were HAWT) that i went totally slutty for my actual B-day party.

 

(you cant tell but my shoes are glitter shoes!!)

But really i wanted to post for Master the little surprise i was wearing underneath to keep me thinking of  him...it even showed a little bit sometimes! (that especially made me keep thinking about him)

Also last week i took a couple of days off, i think i mentioned that in a post. But i didn't talk about diaper day-of course it is diaper day today so i am thinking about it.  Anyway i am not sure if i have mentioned that when i am in my slutroom i am naked all the time. That took some getting used to - it is really more of an unnatural state than you would think. i have never been one to be shy when it comes to being with a man and i don't worry about being naked then but by myself i am usually in some sort of clothes and i never got into sleeping naked. i don't have huge body issues but at the same time i would rather not have to look at some areas constantly. Left to my own devices i will always have a shirt on, clearly i am happier with my cunt ass and legs than i am with my tits and tummy.  i have gotten used to being naked now but there is still a lingering uncomfortable-ness in some cases. For instance on diaper day last week i didn't have errands or anything it was just a lazy day that i spent mainly in my slutroom watching tv. So i was naked BUT in a diaper..it almost feels more obscene, more diminishing...its right there all the time!! Not under my clothes, not hidden.  And i looked ridiculous and i knew it BUT i liked it...i liked that it was in my face.  Just a pig in her slutroom wearing a diaper because she is not allowed to use the toilet all day.  if i go back and reread old posts i feel like this will be a theme-that i start out with something done discretely, and then somehow Mastered ups the ante and as my journal title says there is no more hiding.  Not only was it just the fact that i couldn't escape the diaper it was that it was the opposite way i would have covered myself naturally-my weakness or the things i am insecure about exposed on top-almost highlighted by the diaper. And of course Mastered wanted a pic. i am going to share it here because i really really believe i don't get to worry about things like that anymore-how i look, if something is flattering, if i look stupid and when i start thinking like that i need to check it. So here i am in all my ridiculous glory. i am happy to share it because it was how Mastered wanted me to look that day. (not up to standards-took it with my phone but you will get the idea)

On a semi related note-it started me thinking about how being partially dressed can make you feel more exposed than being totally naked, can make you feel nastier (i'm not talking about your standard slut gear-that all actually makes you feel less exposed, more in control-to me anyway). But say you are about to get a spanking and you turn around and bend over and pull your panties down but only partially, and the crotch part is still stuck in your cunt, something about that to me is more demeaning that having taken those panties all the way off.  The partial and sloppy covering makes the nakedness more vivid or something.  There is a way you are "supposed" to look to be sexy and exposing my body out side of those parameters makes me uncomfortable. I am really struggling with expressing myself on this concept-it is what i have been thinking of journaling about all day but i just can't get it right. i don't know, i hope this makes sense to someone out there! Last weeks diaper day contained one other humiliating picture demand from Master for me that i am not ready to share but i mention only because some times I SWEAR Mastered can read my mind and knows the dirty dirty things going on deep inside my brain.

Task Pictures

Please read the blog slave "J"s 19th Task on SF for explanation of these photos. I am sure that these are too similar and not bdsm-y enough to all get approved over there so i am posting them here as well.

 Yes, I know, it should be ten pins but master was being kind to me...NOT!

 

 



Nice and taut & ready to play

 

Only bowler without BALLS

 

 Missed my strike

Cunt and ass feeling good!

 

Tits starting to bleed

 

not a bad score huh?

February 20 2013

I have been slacking on my journaling but i do have my reasons i promise! Some of it is just real life and my 2 week long birthday celebration which concludes with a party this weekend and included going to see Flashdance the Musical.  Although this has nothing to do with my slavery i must post the outfit i wore because any true Flashdance fans out there will appreciate it (i did substitute leather pants for the leather skirt worn in the movie)

And all of you "slaves shouldn't wear pants" people out there just hush up- my leather pants are HAWT!!

But on a serious note i was also doing some internal questioning and it is hard for me to write about anything but what i am thinking about, hence no journal. But i have come out the other side.  i am going to try to lay out some of what i was thinking.  First i will digress a little and refer to an interesting blog posted by Aurum about her rights/duties on SF.  i like that it is very clear and organized and clearly took time and thought for them as a unit to put together. As has been stated recently and repeatedly on SF lately we are all in different relationships and situations so what works for one does not work for another. They are working on a living 24/7 situation that includes a true relationship from what i gather. This is, of course, not the case with Mastered and i but it did make me think of articulating what my rights are. And although i do not have approval from Mastered to write this i feel confident he will concur- i have one right and one right only -that is to leave if i want.  Beyond that there is nothing i have a say about and let me tell you he is not a chatty, touchy feely, lets make sure we are both feeling good kind of Master. i do what he says or i can leave.  The true irony of this is that in my "relationships" i am exactly the same way, although slightly more diplomatic about it: do it my way or you are free to leave, no hard feelings. Being on the receiving end of that is not easy. But i respect it and understand it and in general is how i need things to be.

However it is not easy when i have questions. Why? Why? Why? My brain is screaming at Mastered: i could get with this if you would just tell me why you want it!!!! Let me understand what you think this will accomplish!! i hear the collective gasp...calm down i said that was INSIDE my head. He wanted me to do something and made a comment that i felt showed that for the first time we were not on the same page..the act and the comment are not really the issue, of course, it was that i felt misunderstood and felt very strongly we needed to have a dialogue. When i broached the subject, as expected, but disappointingly he just told me to do what he said. i did but was in a really bad place. After several days of frosty and perfunctory interaction we did have a brief chat. His bottom line did not change, he didn't tell me why he does what he does and reiterated that my choice was to obey or leave.  The difference was i did get to say what was on my mind....maybe all i was looking for was to get it out of my brain and into the air, exorcise it as it were.

The thing that triggered me was very minor, really just an irritant. i knew on a certain level that it was not at all worth losing what i am getting from Mastered BUT by the same token i did not understand why HE didn't see it that way and just not make me do it..is that laughter i hear?...i know, i know but old habits die hard. At any rate once i got my thoughts out of my head everything fell right back into place. That was yesterday and i was off so we spent a couple of hours working on my training and instead of a pig i felt like a cat, purring and basking in his attention.  And there is the true admission buried at the end of the story...i think i wanted his attention. Between my work and his life our contact had been a touch sporadic and not understanding why was getting to me. That wasn't my whole issue but i do think that was a large subtext of it. That is the difficulty of on-line..but whatcha gonna do? i just have to deal with it. 

SO! back to normal, part of my training yesterday before i went out to a wholesome family dinner with my parents was spending 10 minutes begging Mastered to please let anybody piss on me, please let anyone piss in my mouth. So when i showed him what i was wearing he added a little secret label for him and i to know about while i went to dinner:

feb 29 2013

DONT GIVE UP ON ME - WILL BE POSTING SOON.

Not bad for 43, huh?

Its my Birthday!!! Bringing in 43 in slave style!! Master wanted some pics of me in my chain and i though i would share them since i didnt post last night.

Task Pictures

Task pictures in order so you can run thru them like a slide show

February 11 2013

So denial...ugh why is this post so hard for me to write..i have started several and even finished one, about the whole concept of being denied pleasure from anal and just how i feel about denial altogether but here i am starting another one from scratch.  i think it is hard because:

1. i have to talk about me personally and
     a) that is not what people come here to read
     b) that feels self indulgent

2 .i over think it
     a) then i realize i am over thinking and wind up just writing whatever.
     b) the concept of denial for me involves many diametrically opposing ideas (for instance the basic premise that denying me sexual pleasure brings me mental sexual gratification)

So here is todays version

There have been questions lately when i talk about what pleasure i am allowed or not. Just to give a little back round, i have orgasms from a cock in my cunt as well as a cock in my ass. I love anal, not to the exclusion of having a cock in my cunt but to the same extent i guess..or maybe a little more. Fairly soon after Mastered and i got together he started with the anal training and i was wearing my plug all the time-i took to it pretty easily since i was already using a relatively large dildo in my ass when i got off by myself. But then he started talking about stretching my cunt and i was hesitant.  of course i didn't refuse but that was a body change that i was worried about. Somehow it evolved that my cunt would be kept nice and tight but only for Masters use and my ass would be for whomever else he chooses. i believe the concept is that i only get to enjoy being used when Master is using my cunt, my orgasms are only for him. So the ass stretching, sure is to get my asshole nice and open so it can be obscenely used but it also so that i am not as sensitive and respond less when my ass is being used. So it is not really that i am never to experience pleasure but that i only experience it with Mastered and at his command.

I don't know if it means anything to Mastered that i love anal and because of the way we are training my body i wont be able to enjoy it as i used to. i don't know if that gives him an extra kick or if this would be happening no matter how much i enjoyed it. But as for me on a certain level i LIKE that something that was a favorite of mine won't be as enjoyable to me as it used to be. By the same token i like denial of orgasms period! First of all on the physical level i enjoy the ache, the pulsing, the constant yearning that continual arousal with out release causes, when you cum that feeling goes away.  But the more powerful motivations are psychological.

i live a fairly self involved life, i have made choices that allow me to live like that guilt free.  If i want to do something i do it, if i want to say something i say it, if i want to get something i do what i feel i need to to get it.  AND i make no apologies for that-i like myself and i don't walk around unhappy and wishing my life was different.  i am a very actualized, centered person because i know myself and because i do not compromise on how i choose to live my life AND i am okay with what that costs me.

I was raised with limits, not super strict but i wasn't spoiled, but i was told from a young age that i was awesome. Because of how i was raised and some of my unusual childhood experiences i have become an alpha type person regardless of the sex of the person i am dealing with. Consequently i generally get what i want, there are not a lot of people who say no to me and i have structured my life in such a way that most of what i want i can get independently of other people anyway. i get away with quite a bit because i know that most people wont speak up if something bothers them or they don't want to do something. If you stand up to me i will honor what you say immediately BUT it is shocking how few people will do that.

So that is all one side of me but then we come to the slave side of me. i have talked before about how much i love the structure that Master brings to my life, i also love the limits AND i love the denial.  All 3 of those things are things i don't get a lot of in life because of my personality. ( i know i sound like a arrogant bitch and the truth is i kind of am but i am really trying hard to be fully honest about my motivation and desires regardless of how it makes me look).  i have a ton of people that will say yes but only Mastered says no. AND i don't want some half assed partial No either, i want someone who says it and means it absolutely. So when Mastered says we are going to work out my ass until i am so loose there is not really a chance that the sensations will be strong enough for me to really get off-that is the ultimate NO. Particularly since that is one of my favorite things. I also know myself well enough  to acknowledge that given an opportunity i will take pleasure in my body and i will focus on myself so this removes that temptation. That may make me a "bad slave" but i submit that by understanding that is a problem  and embracing this training regime is a way i can show that i am disciplined-i am acknowledging that i have this weakness  but i am throwing myself whole heartedly into working on a solution instead of trying the impossible and dooming myself to failure by simply saying "as slave i should only take pleasure in pleasing Master" and expecting it to magically be true.  I am getting there but i am still a long way from really internalizing that entirely. 

i have maintained from the start that, slave tho i may be, i still have thoughts and feelings and opinions about what Mastered is making me into.  The trick is, not to mindlessly obey- i don't think that is realistically possible, it is to figure out how to manipulate and control and channel and quite frankly work around those feeling, thoughts and opinions.  Every time i write about things like this i am just so grateful that Mastered found me and knows exactly how to work me and that the directions he takes me always, every single step so far, resonates with me. it is hard sometimes when you do this with an audience,  if everything is making perfect sense to me and then people don't understand it throws me a tiny bit but then i do just focus on that fact - that i am insanely happy with every direction Mastered takes me-we are on the same page and that is, audience or not, what matters.

Still not really happy with this but i am going to post this because the whole topic is stressing me out.

Success!! Happy Sunday Master!!

This what happens when i get bored on saturday night:

February 7 2013

i have been out tonight but i want to post because Master never fails to make his mark. Yesterday i complained that the slut labels he was giving me were to long to put on my itty bitty tits and i was getting sloppy so he had a solution, here is todays outfit:

Yep, i had to write on my ass, which is far more difficult, lol. At some point i may decide to keep my mouth shut.

i am also not posting a real journal tonight because somebody wrote me and was curious about what i interpreted as my (and Masters) desire for denial of my pleasure and i want to think about that, take my time and respond. Once i have an idea what i want to write about i cant really distract myself and write about something else.  That is a powerful topic to me so i want to give it its due. In the interim enjoy an old punishment pic:

Oh that reminds me Master told me today my weekend task will take 60 clothes pins..am i scared? just a tad bit.

February 6 2013

Just a quick entry to apologize for lack of posts, actually have been very busy the past 2 days. But i don't like going 2 days with journaling, so i thought i would pop in.

Today of course was diaper day. As per usual Master commanded me when to go and if i had an issue i had to oink for permission. Normally in a very short while he will respond and let me go but today he took me by surprise and just straight up said NO when i asked for permission.  It was a good reminder that i am on his schedule not my own. So i sat there jiggling and bouncing for awhile until he decided i could piss. i liked it-made me entirely focused on him, all i could think about was when he would or if he would remember to let me go.

i did some shopping after work and....I MISS PANTS!!! There are some super cute spring crop pants i want soooo bad but i know it would just be a waste of money, so i had to settle for a super cute skirt and blouse. lol

And lastly i was going back thru some old pics to see if there was anything i could post to spice up this entry and i found  a set that was fun for me, only Master has seen them because i took them before i was showing my face publicly.  At one point he made me wear the same pair of panties 3 days in a row, until they were literally stiff with my juices then i had to lick and suck them clean.  I loved it, i loved catching a whiff of my cunt when i opened my legs during those 3 days, i loved the nastiness of putting on stiff panties every morning and of course i loved the taste of my dirty cunt in my mouth. So here is me cleaning my dirty panties for Master:

mmmm  mmmm mmm. Yummy!!

February 24 2013 TMI ahead

i admit i am journaling right now PARTIALLY to put off doing my ass stretching tonight-be warned that quite a bit of this entry will fall under the category of TMI - Consider yourself warned.

As usual my out fit for the day:

Just found out today that Master likes high tight collars, i will file that away for the spending of a gift card i have burning a hole in my pocket or some new slut gear might be in order, hmmm decisions decisions. Speaking of slut gear, i had told Master that i  now carry the length of rope i need to make my rope g-string in my slut kit so today after i got to work i had to go and put it on.  Which was super nice of him (sarcasm) since i had already told him i had started my period today (start of TMI), the last thing i wanted was to do that but i did it, of course.

i don't know... something came over me today, i was super horny even though i was on my period which is unusual.  Consequently i shared some thoughts that i think got me into the predicament i am in right now and why i am putting off my ass work.  At any rate i shared that as i sat there in pain, cramps going crazy all i could think about was having Masters cock just absolutely pounding into my cunt, making it hurt even more deep inside me. I never really had thoughts like that before but i swear that is what i was feeling.  i will try not to be too graphic here but i do have kind of a thing about talking dirty about my period and nasty behavior around it ( as an example a couple of months ago when i mentioned i was on Mastered made me show him my used tampon and then put it in my mouth-i lost my mind, crazy fucking hot).   Something i have been thinking about lately is why are these things such strong triggers (in a good way) to me?  Things like pissing and periods. Not that it takes a brain surgeon to figure this out but as an only child who has had total privacy and my own bathroom all my life, plus a family that is delicate about all of these things, i learned you simply do not talk about them, you are as discrete as humanly possible.  i'm not one to talk about being a "lady" as that is a hugely outdated concept BUT to talk about these things or worse show them,  just isn't how a "classy" lady acts.  i wasn't raised to think of much with shame but this is the one area that comes as close to having shame instilled in me as anything.  So after i talked about how a lady acts Mastereds only response was "but your a nasty filthy pig now"   BOOM, oh i love it, love it, love it. Women get to be discrete - i don't have that luxury anymore. Told you it was TMI and i'm not even done yet.

Cut to the end of the day and my instructions for the night, i am to do 200 ass fucks tonight with my bottle. Now my interpretation when Mastered says "fucks" is fully in and fully out and that is BAAAADDD when you are having full on cramps, ladies can i get a witness??? so i said "yes sir' but i did it with a little frowny face and a reminder that i am in pain but of course that did not move Mastered a tiny little bit.  He just reminded me that i do things to make him happy and making me feel that will make him happy. Actually by the end of the conversation i was looking forward to offering up my pain, that is why Mastered is perfect for me..how did he do that???? Oh and i will be recording audio of it as i count to 200, each count followed by "i am stretching my ass for cocks".  i hope the pain comes through in my voice and Master enjoys it.

So that is it for my TMI journal,  i can't put this off any longer or i will never get to bed.  wish me luck, i don't know if that means a little pain or a lot. lol

February 3 2013

Well here is a funny story: a couple of months ago Mastered tasked me with getting pictures of me eating cunt.   I did succeed at the task with a friend and another friend snapping the pics.  Today i was bored and feeling at loose ends since i didn't have a task so i decided i would post the pics here in my journal but just to cover my bases i asked Master if there was a reason he never told me to post the pics...turns out i asked him to let them be private between us! Funny how things change,  i cant even imagine asking not to share something now.  

i had talked to my friend about what i needed and we had somewhat of a plan in mind that would allow me to get my pics but also have her sort-of man (who is my best friend-all very incestuous) watch and take pictures. Everybody would win.  Appropriately, at a certain point i left, unsatisfied and having done my job while those two got to finish off.    Here are the pics:

February 2 2013

A couple of days ago i alluded to the fact that i have been "discovered" by a person i know.  i think a little back round is in order to put this in perspective.  First: i am pretty open with everyone i know that i am doing this (everyone meaning my friends, not family).  It is not exactly a shock to them since they have always had a general idea of what i am into.  It is also pretty common knowledge that i don't really bother with men because i just couldn't find what i was looking for, i am not a relationship kind of girl and i was sick of being disappointed in random sex.  So now i would say my friends are actually happy for me that i finally found an outlet for this side of me.  BUT i don't advertise the name of the site i am on or the name of my blog.  i talk about some things that go on and about my blog but i think actually seeing and reading about some of this stuff would make them uncomfortable-not tragically so and if they did happen upon my stuff it wouldn't be a huge deal.  Part of the reason it wouldn't be a big deal is because they wouldn't necessarily understand the significance of some of the things i do and because they wouldn't take it seriously.  Outsiders may think that these are just individual acts that turn me on and the rest of what i write is hyperbole, they don't get that it really is a commitment of sorts and that the evolution i talk about is actually possible-that is freeing to a certain degree because i would be able to laugh it off and minimize it if any of my friends found the actual site.  Does that make sense?

So that covers how i deal with this with most of my people.  But there is one person that it is a little different with lets call him Alex (always loved that name).  Alex and i go waaay back, like 20 years way back. We started as friends when we worked together and were too stupid to realize we should have tried being together. Over the years we discovered our mistake but by that time we were living in different states and now different countries. One of the reasons i always kept him in the back of my mind as an option of someone i could "be" with even though i am not really interested in relationships in general is because i have known that he is into the same things i am into. We have never really explored those things because our time together has been stolen moments, time too short to really get into it-and our focus more on the emotions rather than the sex.  The things that he loves about me are my strength, my intelligence, that i am a an aggressive and assertive woman, all of the things that are entirely counter to my slave brain.  That being said, about a year or 2 ago we started emailing each other stories of escalating perversion. We wrote about things that i think we hadn't shared with anyone -it all boiled down to if we were together we would live the "lifestyle" (ugh i hate that phrase).  BUT that was all fantasy emails and because we probably will never be together it was all just fun-i didn't have to worry about how ACTUALLY doing the things we talked about would change his opinion of me. If we did anything in real life i would worry about that because i love that he loves me for my personality. It would be a hard pill to swallow to think that he might go from seeing me as Myself to seeing me as a pigslut.  One last detail about our history that is relevant is that the email stories we sent back and forth got me so worked up i discovered i wanted more, i wanted someone like Mastered who would be involved in my day to day life, something that would REALLY effect how i behave.

Jump to me getting involved with Mastered-as everyone has seen pretty much from the start it was clear that we were a great match so i got fully invested very quickly.  i did share with "Alex" what i was doing and he teased me about it (the whole online stigma thing) so i pretty much stopped talking to him about it.  But i was torn- i kind of wanted him to see what i was doing because i was so proud of what i was becoming but i kind of did not want him to see because unlike my friends (as i mentioned earlier) he would understand what all these things are and that this is a real thing i am doing. So with those conflicting thoughts in my head i apparently dropped enough info to him that he was able to find my blog.  A couple of days ago i was telling him that on my blog i was about to cross 10000 hits and his only reply to that email was "i know because i am one of the 10000".  That was it, just one line in an email and my stomach just dropped BUT the main thing i felt just immediately was happy-here is someone that gets this and is going to know what all this means.  i know people that follow my adventures see this side of me but that is less powerful because they don't know the other side they don't know how much it costs me to be Mastereds pig. Now someone who knows all of me is seeing me change.  Because he knows my other personality it is meaningful that he is seeing the pig emerge and that, furthermore, he will like it. So the question is what will it do to how he thinks of me?  This is scary but also exhilarating..do i believe enough in pursuing this "lifestyle" that i am okay with that change in his perspective? Well it really doesn't matter if i am okay with it now, what will happen will happen, that choice to hide is taken out of my hands-which, i submit, is really what i wanted to happen anyway based on the fact that i did drop enough info that he could find me in my slave guise.

i am a firm believer in don't ask questions you don't want the answer to so i sort of danced around the question of what he thought when i emailed him, simply saying: " i wonder what seeing all of that does in terms of how you really think of me now. all answers are good and i don't really expect you to answer, just kind of thinking out loud."  To which his only response was "Yea, I am not sure if it is best to answer in email as the answer is quite complicated, as you can probably surmise. Of course it is a visceral turn on, so you can rest assured there."

So there it is, what i am, what i want to be, what i will do for Mastereds approval is out there for real to someone who understands and i still don't know what he thinks of it but i am okay with it now. i actually feel like it is going to make me work harder to make Mastered proud because there is an audience that i know now. Now that i am writing this and really having to think about my thoughts this incident seems to have reinforced in my mind that i am okay with who i am becoming,  wow, that just kind of hit me, i know it doesn't sound like a startling revelation, its more of just a quiet acceptance of sorts. I am glad this happened, i am happy about what i am doing and ready to face the consequences.