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| So i got these candy canes...... |
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| This seemed like the natural thing to do with them.... |
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| It felt tingly.... |
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| So i thought i would give it another go... |
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| Things like this are probably why i'm on the naughty list! |
Wait-that's not what you are supposed to do with candy canes?
December 23, 2014
I like to be precise when i speak, and i try to stay away from hyperbole. I am always suspicious of over the top declarations of love. But i understand it is difficult to articulate the intense feelings that a successful D/s relationship can provoke, i understand that these can be BIG feelings and the easiest way to communicate the strength of them is by saying love. The way Mastereds and my relationship is structured (and how we both like it) you will never hear me say i love him. To me love is based on personality, on who the person you "love" is. M and i don't get down like that-i don't know "who" he is, nor he me. I have some idea of his ethics, his character, and some ideas about how he lives his life based on casual comments but i couldn't tell you what is important to him in life, or what he thinks politically. But...............
When M is pushing me thru a limit or into a new thing that i never thought i would do and it blows my mind, i have these huge waves of emotion that are almost physical in their power, emotions that are so strong that my body FEELS them. And, i wont lie, i have been tempted to use the word love but that is lazy, it is just the word we all think of when we feel strongly towards another person. When i really look at what i am truly feeling at those times it is gratitude, i am just so fucking thankful that he can make me feel so low, i am so fucking thankful for his skill, his competence. Love, i think, should be selfless, and my feeling is definitely selfish. i serve Mastered almost unquestioningly because of what he makes me feel, i am a hostage-i need him to make me feel the way i want to feel. i don't need to "know" him, i just need him to do what he does. grrrrrrrr this is such a hard thing to articulate.
Someone that used to write on SF occasional once wrote something that resonated with me, to paraphrase it was along the lines of "maybe part of the appeal of this lifestyle, when taken seriously, is that it allows us to feel stronger emotions than we would otherwise." It has been a long time since i was in love but it seems to me that it was more conflicted, less straight forward and consequently less intense than the devotion i feel now. There is really no conflict in how i feel now, it is a pure thing (ironically), based on a selfish need i have to belong to Mastered. And just to bring it a little full circle: that single minded, unquestioning devotion may be possible because we only focus on this one area and don't muddy the waters with "knowing" each other.
I don't know why i went on this tangent but it was itching to get out of me. hope i made some kind of sense.
And apropos of nothing here is a video that M ordered me to make, maybe it will make up for the rambling. :)
Dec 14 2013
Sorry for the long delay in posting. As i said before i have been sick and it has taken quite a while to get back to 100 percent. It is also the busiest time of year in the industry i work in, plus my company has been taken over and i need to be on point with the new big wigs so there has been somewhat of a slow down in the contact between Mastered and me. Plus, of course, it is a busy time of year for everyone including Mastered. Because of all of that my official tasks are on hold until after the new year and things have kind of been in a holding pattern. But, ironically, by taking that pressure off, taking the expectations off, by not really expecting fireworks- i find myself more powerfully excited by a new word or phrase used casually that just catches my imagination and sends me (us) down a road that is powerful and unexpected. Unfortunately one of the things i am talking about i am not comfortable sharing but there have been other smaller events in the past couple of weeks worth mentioning.
Mastered used to send me on a regular basis into the restroom at work to hug the toilet, not just lick it but actually hug it. I used to find this very calming actually, i would get on my knees, wrap my arms around the bowl and lay my head on the seat and it just stopped any stress i was having. Some times he would tell me to thank the toilet for letting me be the filthy pig i am or tell the toilet it is better than me and that use to make me feel stupid but now on the occasions he still sends me in there it doesn't even bother me. But now he has started sending me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for periods of time. And i LOVE it. In the middle of a hectic day, pressure everywhere and i go into the bathroom, put my nose in the corner, blank walls in front of my eyes, repeating whatever Mastered felt like having me say that day. My world comes back down to just obeying, i am mindless, no stimulation except that phrase over and over. i am calm almost instantly, five minutes flies by like it was 60 seconds.
One day last week Mastered was sending me to the corner every 2 hours. While i was in the corner i was to fuck my ass with my plug. This is a different feeling than when i just repeat a phrase, it is not calming because the stance required to do this is so undignified. I have to literally press my face to the wall, stick out my ass, legs awkwardly splayed and fuck myself. The day of the 2 hours intervals i was not able to do the last 1 or 2 cycles because i was in meetings. During the time i was in meetings Mastered sent me a text demanding a pic of me fucking myself, which i obviously did not do. As i have mentioned before Mastered is always reasonable about my job responsibilities but i felt bad when i got home that night that i let him down. So i made him the video below. By way of explanation I should mention that over the couple of days before i made this video i had spent a lot of time with gigantor stretching my ass, also the night right before this video i spent 45 minutes straight fucking my ass with one of my large suction cup dildos (smaller than gigantor but i remember when i was a normal woman i thought this dildo was VERY large). Some of you may remember me talking before about a little game i play with myself: while i give my ass a hard fucking i try to recite all of my litanies, all of the phrases Mastered likes me to say-i was playing that game, and of course i also had my weighted clamps swinging wildly off of my tits so i lost track of time. As a result of all my independent ass stretching/fucking plus the couple of times during the day that i did fuck my ass with my plug as instructed by the time i made this vid my pig hole was very stretched and open. I thought Mastered would be happy to see how loose i was so i decided to show him that even my plug has a hard time staying in my asshole now.
Mastered used to send me on a regular basis into the restroom at work to hug the toilet, not just lick it but actually hug it. I used to find this very calming actually, i would get on my knees, wrap my arms around the bowl and lay my head on the seat and it just stopped any stress i was having. Some times he would tell me to thank the toilet for letting me be the filthy pig i am or tell the toilet it is better than me and that use to make me feel stupid but now on the occasions he still sends me in there it doesn't even bother me. But now he has started sending me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for periods of time. And i LOVE it. In the middle of a hectic day, pressure everywhere and i go into the bathroom, put my nose in the corner, blank walls in front of my eyes, repeating whatever Mastered felt like having me say that day. My world comes back down to just obeying, i am mindless, no stimulation except that phrase over and over. i am calm almost instantly, five minutes flies by like it was 60 seconds.
One day last week Mastered was sending me to the corner every 2 hours. While i was in the corner i was to fuck my ass with my plug. This is a different feeling than when i just repeat a phrase, it is not calming because the stance required to do this is so undignified. I have to literally press my face to the wall, stick out my ass, legs awkwardly splayed and fuck myself. The day of the 2 hours intervals i was not able to do the last 1 or 2 cycles because i was in meetings. During the time i was in meetings Mastered sent me a text demanding a pic of me fucking myself, which i obviously did not do. As i have mentioned before Mastered is always reasonable about my job responsibilities but i felt bad when i got home that night that i let him down. So i made him the video below. By way of explanation I should mention that over the couple of days before i made this video i had spent a lot of time with gigantor stretching my ass, also the night right before this video i spent 45 minutes straight fucking my ass with one of my large suction cup dildos (smaller than gigantor but i remember when i was a normal woman i thought this dildo was VERY large). Some of you may remember me talking before about a little game i play with myself: while i give my ass a hard fucking i try to recite all of my litanies, all of the phrases Mastered likes me to say-i was playing that game, and of course i also had my weighted clamps swinging wildly off of my tits so i lost track of time. As a result of all my independent ass stretching/fucking plus the couple of times during the day that i did fuck my ass with my plug as instructed by the time i made this vid my pig hole was very stretched and open. I thought Mastered would be happy to see how loose i was so i decided to show him that even my plug has a hard time staying in my asshole now.
As you can see i can just push my plug out now. This looseness doesn't seem to present a real problem, only when i sneeze or cough. LOL. I like this video because it is just obscene, just wrong on some level. i feel like i should be embarrassed to post it but i am not-as they say "it is what it is." this is me and i am proud of it, especial since i know it made Mastered happy. Clearly i will never really enjoy a "regular" sized cock in my ass now. i look at porn Mastered sends me and i know i can get it bigger and i am still dedicated, not just to being so loose i cant enjoy when men use my ass but just in general to stretching to get as big a pig hole as i can- i would like Mastered to be able to double fist my ass when next we meet.
Dec 4 2013
A couple of weeks ago. i took this pic and forgot to post it.
Sometimes when i am especially craving Master, or just particularly horny in general i will ask M to give me something horrible to do or think about. i don't remember if that was the case with this pic or if he just sent me to do it for his entertainment. Either way this is a picture of me licking the unisex public bathroom floor, because that is the kind of pig Mastered likes. i believe the thought of that day was how worthless and low i am, cleaning the public bathroom floor with my tongue is right at my level.
(i added a new app on my phone that lets me edit photos so i was playing/testing that when i sent this that is why there is writing on it)
Sometimes when i am especially craving Master, or just particularly horny in general i will ask M to give me something horrible to do or think about. i don't remember if that was the case with this pic or if he just sent me to do it for his entertainment. Either way this is a picture of me licking the unisex public bathroom floor, because that is the kind of pig Mastered likes. i believe the thought of that day was how worthless and low i am, cleaning the public bathroom floor with my tongue is right at my level.
(i added a new app on my phone that lets me edit photos so i was playing/testing that when i sent this that is why there is writing on it)
adding the following after the initial post:
I think I was reminded of that pic because today is also one of those days were I am just desperate for Mastered, for abuse, for degradation. When I get like this I don’t even want sex, except as a torture, fuck me but don’t let me cum, fuck me all you want in any hole you want JUST DON’T LET ME HAVE ANY SATISFACTION!!! Diaper day usually keeps me very aroused because it just starts my day off in a humiliating fashion, almost from the time I wake up I am diapered. And this morning I realized I will have to go to the store and buy more which is always hard to get thru-I have gotten used to many things but I still loathe buying diapers. So of course that makes me hot. But its more than that, I am just super fucking horny. Mastered sent me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for 5 minutes today and that made it worse, 5 minutes of uninterrupted thought about him, about what a piece of shit I am. GOD I have literally spent about a half an hour fantasizing about getting a hold of the boxers, briefs whatever he wore today when he worked out and sucking them clean with my mouth. Cleaning every bit of sweat and nastiness with my pig mouth- seriously, that thought has distracted me from work!! I have thought of him fucking either of my holes and emptying his balls in me (without me cumming!!!) and after I stand there and the cum drips out of which ever hole and onto the floor I get to lick it up!!! This is my mental state today. I want a whipping so bad that I cry and when I crumple to the ground trying to get away I want to hear that hard voice tell me to get up, not put a hand on me, not help me up, not grab me by the hair and pull me up but just make me with the tone in his voice get myself back up and ask for more. I want him to put me in the tub and piss all over me, turn out the light and leave me in the filth.
I think I was reminded of that pic because today is also one of those days were I am just desperate for Mastered, for abuse, for degradation. When I get like this I don’t even want sex, except as a torture, fuck me but don’t let me cum, fuck me all you want in any hole you want JUST DON’T LET ME HAVE ANY SATISFACTION!!! Diaper day usually keeps me very aroused because it just starts my day off in a humiliating fashion, almost from the time I wake up I am diapered. And this morning I realized I will have to go to the store and buy more which is always hard to get thru-I have gotten used to many things but I still loathe buying diapers. So of course that makes me hot. But its more than that, I am just super fucking horny. Mastered sent me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for 5 minutes today and that made it worse, 5 minutes of uninterrupted thought about him, about what a piece of shit I am. GOD I have literally spent about a half an hour fantasizing about getting a hold of the boxers, briefs whatever he wore today when he worked out and sucking them clean with my mouth. Cleaning every bit of sweat and nastiness with my pig mouth- seriously, that thought has distracted me from work!! I have thought of him fucking either of my holes and emptying his balls in me (without me cumming!!!) and after I stand there and the cum drips out of which ever hole and onto the floor I get to lick it up!!! This is my mental state today. I want a whipping so bad that I cry and when I crumple to the ground trying to get away I want to hear that hard voice tell me to get up, not put a hand on me, not help me up, not grab me by the hair and pull me up but just make me with the tone in his voice get myself back up and ask for more. I want him to put me in the tub and piss all over me, turn out the light and leave me in the filth.
I was hoping that by writing this it would get out of my
system-that does not appear to be happening. lol
I was in this state of mind earlier when I was talking to
Mastered and he said he had to go, so I said that I wish he would stay and talk
to me. Now tonight I will be clothes pinning my mouth shut for 15 minutes for
whining. Even that doesn’t help and now he is calling me a whiny fucking baby
AND THAT IS JUST MAKING THINGS WORSE. I think
I am going to explode from the need for abuse and humiliation. FUCK
(I'm not editing this-so it is total stream of consciousness)
im back and adding more-im just sharing everything im thinking no filter so dont judge:
now i have been thinking of making a lovely dinner, 2 plates on the table everything served and M takes my plate and very deliberaely, as i watch, scrapes every bit into the trash and i have to eat out of the trash like a pig. when done he bends me over the table and fucks me with sauce still smeared across my face, bits of food in my hair, calling me pig with every thrust. after he cums (NO CUMMING FOR ME) i have to clean up from dinner before i get to clean myself up. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, so desperate.
Dec 2 2013
This long weekend i had a non-task task assigned by Mastered whish started with just providing cunt inspection pictures-which he requires periodically just to make sure im keeping everything shaved and tidy-and i think probably to remind me that the cunt is not really mine, that he is in charge of it-but i am just guessing about that. But the task-y part was to take pics while i was shaving. This didn't really phase me-i am obviously used to showing what ever he wants but i did ask why and he said it was just to remove another barrier-show what i have to do to make him happy. My stomach did twist a little thinking of showing shaving my asshole. Frankly i don't even like saying it...it seems so...crass. i know that sounds weird but it was something that made me uncomfortable but of course i did take pictures of everything. And i love that stomach twist, just means another layer is gone.
i was planning to do the pics on Sunday. On sat i got my period, that means that i would be super heavy on sunday. i told Mastered and he just said that was perfect to go ahead with the task with my string hanging out. Now this really really did make my stomach twist. It really just goes back to upbringing..bodily functions are secret secret secret!! And a period, well, you go out of your way to be discreet about that. ive never had a problem having sex while on my period but in terms pads, tampons, maintenance type stuff i keep all of that hidden-so....undignified. And now that i look at the pics, seeing that string hanging out of my cunt, it is obscene. Of course i am glad i had to do it. Frankly even as i felt the cramps on sat i was happy because i knew M wouldn't let me off the hook, i knew it would make my stomach twist BAD but that when i was done my stomach wouldn't twist anymore about it, it would just be another piece of dignity stripped from me. That makes me happy..a dog doesn't get embarrassed, an animal isn't shy, a pig doesn't understand the concept of modesty.
Its funny, i have really lost quite a bit of my ability to gauge what is appropriate or offensive or private to a normal woman anymore. i have talked to some newbie women lately and they are worried about posting pics and that idea of privacy is so foreign a concept to me it is even hard to remember. It is just what i do now: show my cunt with what ever Mastered wants shoved in it-that's a regular Saturday for me, show my open asshole after i use gigantor-doesnt even make me blush just makes me wish it was a bigger gaping hole. i even worry about getting more people over here to see my pics, maintaining a presence so that a couple hundred men look at my pics everyday, that's what i am here for!
i was planning to do the pics on Sunday. On sat i got my period, that means that i would be super heavy on sunday. i told Mastered and he just said that was perfect to go ahead with the task with my string hanging out. Now this really really did make my stomach twist. It really just goes back to upbringing..bodily functions are secret secret secret!! And a period, well, you go out of your way to be discreet about that. ive never had a problem having sex while on my period but in terms pads, tampons, maintenance type stuff i keep all of that hidden-so....undignified. And now that i look at the pics, seeing that string hanging out of my cunt, it is obscene. Of course i am glad i had to do it. Frankly even as i felt the cramps on sat i was happy because i knew M wouldn't let me off the hook, i knew it would make my stomach twist BAD but that when i was done my stomach wouldn't twist anymore about it, it would just be another piece of dignity stripped from me. That makes me happy..a dog doesn't get embarrassed, an animal isn't shy, a pig doesn't understand the concept of modesty.
Its funny, i have really lost quite a bit of my ability to gauge what is appropriate or offensive or private to a normal woman anymore. i have talked to some newbie women lately and they are worried about posting pics and that idea of privacy is so foreign a concept to me it is even hard to remember. It is just what i do now: show my cunt with what ever Mastered wants shoved in it-that's a regular Saturday for me, show my open asshole after i use gigantor-doesnt even make me blush just makes me wish it was a bigger gaping hole. i even worry about getting more people over here to see my pics, maintaining a presence so that a couple hundred men look at my pics everyday, that's what i am here for!
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