December 22 2012

This weekend i have no tasks, so i thought if i had time i would do some random blogs....

I think everyone knows i wear my plug everyday, i was first ordered to wear my butt plug for several days in a row, this morphed into a permanent thing and now it is just automatic. i like this because it does keep my body at a constant low level of arousal so that keeps me focused on my purpose which is to be available to be used at any time.  Also, no matter how used to wearing it i get i can never  forget it is there so that keeps me reminded that i am mainly just holes. And lastly because it is a real physical "intrusion"  into my body and not just something i have to think about or write about or say or do but a constant adjustment to my body it reminds me that my body is not here to be comfortable and that what i feel or want is no longer relevant-that my body is owned by someone else now.  So those are the things that being constantly plugged do for me and from my perspective it is one of the most effective ways/tools really bring that home to a slave.  So here are a couple of quick tips for slaves who find themselves being ordered to do it.

Although I have a small plug as well as my large plug, i had already used the large plug for play (not for any significant length of time) so i did decide just to jump right in with the big one.  i knew the small one would be too easy to deal with and because i was used to anal the actual penetration was not something i had to get used to. Even so i had to get used to the size and the duration of wearing it. This photo is of the small plug and my bigger plug that i wear every day and a water bottle to give some perspective:

My first recommendation is that you buy one of the rounder plugs-although that tip looks rounded it is very pokey and sometimes it felt like it would hurt me in the bad way.  It doesn't bother me now but that was one of the big things i had to work thru.

The second thing i recommend is lube lube lube. This sounds obvious but i had always enjoyed the semi painful stretching of anal so i never used much lube when i played so i just never really thought about using anything more than my natural juices from my cunt when inserting BUT this is not sex and its not for my pleasure and since you will be removing and insterting alot more frequently just go ahead and lube it up-i still don't slather it on but i don't feel like a wuss just for using it.

Thirdly-enemas are your friend. Doing one every day or every other day just makes the whole process more comfortable physically and mentally and less stressful in general. i hadn't even thought of this but when Master made an enema one of my daily tasks, the accidental side benefit was that it made being plugged soooooooo much easier.

So its not rocket science but each one of those realizations was hard won and incrementally made my life easier.

Now i wear my large plug comfortably and i wouldn't want to stop, i love it even when i hate it and it makes me feel totally owned, literally, every minute of the day. The next step i need to take is to get a larger plug with a fatter base so that not only am i being filled and stretched to capacity but so that my actual asshole will be held open wider on a continuous basis. Right now i am just spending time sometime at night with my fat dildo in me and Master is ordering me at intervals during the day to insert and remove my plug many times in  a row to accomplish that and it would just be more effective to get a bigger plug.  i have recently (very) gotten to the point where i worry about being able to keep the large plug in me, i think that is more wishful thinking than reality at this point but it excites me to think how happy Master would be if i got to report that to him!

December 20 2012

I really missed blogging last night but i have to say the theatrical production of Billy Elliot was excellent -highly recommend it. But the best thing about going to the show last night was discovering that in February Flashdance the Musical will be coming to town-guess who will be there? this girl!!! LOVE Flashdance, i still have deep and abiding love for off the shoulder tops (and Jennifer Beals) because of that movie.

Well there is a little bit of catching up to do from yesterday but, of course, first up is todays outfit and i have to thank Mastered for giving me a break today since i did not go to sleep until about 3 last night and letting me wear leggings.

 

 

 

Yesterday was, you may remember, diaper day. As you can see from todays label the theme has been carried over to today. So i am just going to have to admit (as if you haven't figured it out yet ) that i LOVE anything to do with pissing - sends me straight to my slave zone. Early in the day yesterday Master said that he would text me throughout the day when to piss in my diaper, that if i really needed to go i could text for permission.  Oh how i loved that! Randomly thru the day i would get a text yelling at me to piss right then or to walk around and piss while i did. One time he sent me to the bathroom, allowed me to use the toilet but i had to piss into my hands and lick them clean. i spent alot of time on my knees licking the toilet too.  In the midst of all of this piss control and toilet work yesterday i confessed to Master that i would love for him to piss all over me, on my face in my hair then turn me around, bend me over and fuck me while while his piss is still dripping off me. He said that is how piss pig like me should be fucked, HEAVEN. (i think that became my new nickname yesterday-its been in heavy rotation since then)

 

Having him tell me how and when i went to the bathroom yesterday brought home how much i like the most minuscule and/or intimate aspects of my life being utterly dictated by Mastered. i like that i worried all day about what would happen if i needed to pee and he didn't answer my text-i like this concept: that something so incredibly important to me is merely a minor concern to him. He could totally forget me for hours while i am consumed with trying to obey, i think only of him while he barely considers me.  A somewhat (at least in my train of thought) related topic i sometimes entertain thoughts of is having to getting permission to eat, get orders to go work out, adhering to a strict schedule of Masters design.  i think that kind of micro management would be VERY hard to take in person but i think a long distance thing does kind of lend itself to that. It would keep me constantly aware that someone else is calling all shots for me with out really having someone right in my face and "on me" all the time and it would allow Master (as long as he trusted me to adhere to what he says) to always know where i am and what i am doing. Now, i am saying this never having really lived like that so i don't know how it would really effect me AND Mastered has displayed no interest in this i am just thinking out loud here (just to be clear). i think how what i just said was related  to Master controling when i pee is that the smaller and more unconsious the things you turn over conrtol of are the more minimized you are as a person-like turning over control of a big decision like "should i sell my house" could be seen as reasonable in some ways because perhaps the person you are giving power to is actually, technically more compent in the area of real estate than you are.  BUT when you turn over the small decisions you are essentially saying i acknowledge that this man is more capable of making decisions that allow me to live the way i truely want to live than i am. And honestly after typing that, it rings true for me...i want to be nothing..a thing..degraded and dehumanized but i could not make choices on my own that would allow that to happen.  Did that make sense????

 

Today i had a couple of interesting tasks-i was sent to the bathroom to lick the toilet and remove and reinserted my plug 50 times. i decided i would do that while i was licking the toilet to give myself some positive reinforcement. i like the idea of Master fucking my while i lick his toilet clean (WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH ME????). Later in the day, just for his own pleasure i did hourly icy hot on cunt and asshole for 3 hours.  Even at the second application today i was whining a little, took some real disciple to make me rub it on my asshole time 2 and 3!! But no sympathy from Master and i would be disappointed with any other reaction! And lastly i on my ride home i was to use my plug on my cunt and fuck myself at every red light- well fortunately for me i was stuck in traffic all the way home so i had a field day, i was sitting in a puddle by the time i got home. That reminds me, now when i ride in the car i am to pull up my skirt so anyone looking in the car can see my cunt. i am not too worried about this, except for some random truck drivers not much chance of anyone seeing anything and i actually like that when i drive like that and then get out of the car my cunt is open and out there and i am excited about the first time i get seen by someone getting out of the car-between my trips out into the yard and this i hope my natural modesty starts to evaporate.

 

So that brings everything pretty much up to date. i want to add that i really don't want to lose the great momentum that this blog is gaining so although between now and the 26th my entries may be spotty due to getting ready for the holiday and for seeing Master i will probably post a blog or 2 over the weekend-so please stick with me if i skip a day unannounced i will make up for it!!!

December 18 2012

i was totally wrong about my theater plans-its tmro night not tonight. So i get to blog tonight AND since i thought i was going out tonight i didn't bring my work out bag to  work so i COULDN'T go work out.  SO SAD! Here is todays outfit and label.

 

 

You might not be able to tell but the fabric of this skirt is, unfortunately, a color and texture that shows moisture very easily. That means when Master gets me especially aroused during the day there is a visible wet spot (most women worry about Visible Panty Line VPL, i have VWS,lol)-i have a long cardigan i keep at work for these occasions-and today was a day that Master kept me in high gear most of the day. My plug does keep me humming all day, not enough to really cause embarrassment, but if there is some intense convos with Master or additional activities he assigns me added in its all over. Today was a day where both of those things came into play.

 

Master is happy that my asshole is spreading and visibly open in some pics and his excitement inspires me. Last night after blogging i decided to put in some stretching work on my ass. i fucked my large dildo for 1/2 hour tip to base, just over and over. It was easier than its ever been and brought me almost no strong sensation-which i know is Masters goal. i think we are both ramping up my activity in this area so when i see him in a week he will be really happy with the size of my hole. i did my bit last night and today he sent me twice to the restroom to remove and reinsert my plug 25 times. While this doesn't bring me close, at all, to cumming it does make me wet, so that contributed to my VWS. 

 

We also talked about (and i continued to think about) piercings. This has been discussed before, he plans to have my clit hood pierced vertically (forgive me if i am using the wrong terminology i am just starting my research) which would keep my clit constantly stimulated because of how the jewelry lays.  But now, perhaps as my reward because he can tell i am  honestly and sincerely trying to make the changes to my body we are currently focusing on, he presented an alternative to stretching my cunt. In prior blogs i discussed that Master wants both of my holes loose, giving me very little stimulation because my holes are for mens pleasure not mine (btw that is what i said over and over as i rode my dildo last night) but i have been pretty open about the fact that i am conflicted about changing the size of my cunt. I wouldn't say i have whined or complained, just expressed honest trepidation. All of that said, today Master made me very happy by presenting an option he had thought about and that is piercing my labia and locking them so that no one but him gets to use my cunt and that i don't get to enjoy it myself except at his pleasure. He said he will decide after Christmas which option he will go with. The idea of the piercing and the lock makes me crazy in a good way. i love the symbolism of it, i love that i would be able to serve Master only with my cunt, i love that it will be a reminder of my status that i SEE and FEEL every day. Can you imagine what it is like to not have a choice, not because you "gave up control" but because you physically can not access a part of your body???? FUCK YES! There are practical concerns to be addressed but i am all about this. So to bring this back to my original point between conversations about that and my own thoughts my VWS only increased as the day went on. Thank god for that cardigan.  It was a good day!

 

Master has also been helping me memorize how to address him and how to behave when i see him. Usually last thing he does in the afternoon is ask me a series of questions about those things and i answer repeatedly with the responses he has taught me. i don't find it repetitive, i know the reinforcement will help me, when i am shaking and nervous in his presence, to just fall back on my training.  AND as an added benefit reciting things like "when out with Master i will only look down or at Master",  works me up as well, lol.  Behaving publicly in so subservient a manner (like everything i do with Master) flies in the face of my personality yet i am eager to test myself, to see how deep my desire to submit runs. It is a different thing to submit in a sexual capacity than it is to submit in terms of real interactions with other people-not like the people who read this and know what is going on- but real life people like waiters, bartenders, random people! i am excited to feel that humiliation of having to look at Master before responding to an "outsider" but to know that at the same time if i do it i make Master proud. A lot of the things that i will have to do i try not to think about, not because they are distasteful to me, but because i just want to live in those moments when they come and look to my training for guidance. i don't want to over think and somehow without meaning to impose my personality on my reactions, if that makes any sense.

 

Well enough of the serious stuff. Master wanted me to take a picture of myself naked in my slutroom last night (which is how i am always supposed to be) but i wasn't really feeling sexy, and couldn't think of anyway to spice it up so instead i took a "caught in the wild, live action shot of a slut in her slutroom, taking steps to keep herself acceptable to Master" shot. So this is what i look like when i am done for the day and can lock myself away and blog or groom myself or do a task. Last night i had to redo the nails, i am slut but not a chipped nail kind of slut.

 

 

See i really do use that chair in the back round! lol That is also where i sit with my feet kicked up to watch tv and read.

 

Hope everybody had as great a day as i did, or a great one tmro. Remember tmro night is my night on the town so i will be MIA.

 

oh shit, i just remembered tmro is my first mandatory diaper day.



December 17, 2012

So there have been a couple of changes to the blog i want to go over. i seem to have abandoned the logging portion, i still like the idea but i just don't have time or the attention to detail to remember to note when everything happened so...format is still evolving. But i made some technical changes as well. I THINK i have the settings correct to allow comments without registering or having to type in  one of those pesky word verifications, so as far as i am aware i have made it as easy as possible to comment. Also at the end of the blog there are now little feedback check boxes, so you can participate with minimal effort. Unfortunately the same check boxes show up on each blog-i cant tailor it to the content. Right now i have some general words (although someone did check the "boring" box so that one might have to go, lol) but they might change if i get better ideas. Also i wont be posting tmro because i am going to see Billy Elliot the musical and then a late dinner and drinks...i love a nice dress up night in the city! But now for today:

Here is my outfit that Master picked today. ugh! now that i can only wear skirts or dresses 1/2 my wardrobe is gone and i am SICK of the clothes i am allowed to wear, i have super cool shoes  and awesome jackets but they only go with my pants. Sad face, but enough of my whining. What i DO like are my words that i wear everyday. i like waking up to find out what my label for the day is, worrying about  changing at the gym, my top slipping and showing the top part of the writing..so its the kind of thing that i always have to be aware of, keeps me thinking of those words all day
.

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up today in a FOUL mood, when i got Masters email of my outfit and a couple of other innocuous comments it just hit me wrong and i got a little smart, not much but he noticed. Also i had missed multiple calls from him last night while i was sleeping. So he was not happy with me for a variety of reasons first thing this morning. And i have to tell the truth, my mood was so bad i kind of didn't care.  i was not in the mood to think about anyone else but me.  i wanted to be angry and i wanted to be alone and i knew i was going to have to do things that would hurt me and i knew that he did not even remotely care what my mood was and THAT pissed me off.  But after one slightly smart comment i had to suck it up and take my medicine. My punishment for sleeping thru his phone calls was another round of icyhot treatment, once an hour for 4 hours (which actually means 5 applications) on my clit. The thing about this is that the burning lasts about an hour, so just as my cunt was finally cooling down it was time again. It was not a severe punishment and i knew that so when Master told me it was time for the last application and i was to do the rim of my asshole as well i went all out to show that i did not take angering him lightly. i slathered my cunt, my ass, slid my fingers into my cunthole, into my asshole, i put more icyhot on myself than i ever have. AND OMG i was in so much pain. i had to stay in the bathroom for 5 minutes or so, the waves of heat just kept coming, when i did walk back to my desk i was walking funny. When i sat down that heat was trapped in every hole, every crevice and  it intensified again and  just kept fucking coming. WOW. i was live-texting Master about my pain-and as i was at the height of my torment he said he was finally pleased so that made it all worth it! I do have a new rule to add to my list now: "i am to always have my phone with me and on so that i can be available for Masters needs, wishes and demands 24/7" .

 

The thing about this punishment or any punishment is that there is the possibility to lose yourself in it and i wanted that so bad today. As i said i was in a bad mood from the jump this morning and getting a punishment does make me stop thinking about myself, on the down side because of the distance from Master and because i am not isolated and kept in my little slut room (mush as id like to be) i cant totally immerse in it and get fully out of my own head.  i almost asked Master for a really bad punishment  when i got home so i could just stop thinking about me, UGH just stop fucking thinking! Just feel the pain, wallow in the humiliation, the submission!! BUT then i came to my senses (the text was actually half written) and had the rational thought that what ever i was looking for he would probably make it 20 times worse so i decided to shut the hell up! lol

 

i don't think this was part of the punishment but i also have a 2nd new rule to add to my list: Wednesdays are now diaper days (day and night). So no more waiting to be ordered to wear one, this is just what it is now. You would think this would make me happy from the tone of my prior blogs but today it just made me ... i don't know... i feel like.....OMG i just had a flash, i swear on my dead dog i just figured this out this minute...before i felt like i owned this a little, i would ask for it, i was treating it as kind of a reward.  i realize now that i was doing that to diminish the magnitude of the act of wearing  a diaper, i was trying to take away the power of what it is and what i am allowing myself to turn into!!!!!!!! When my illusion of control over it was taken away the reality of what wearing a diaper means about me and what i am-hell what i want to be- just came crashing in on me. That is why, i now understand,  when i got the new rule from Master for about 30 seconds i was happy but then i sat there with sad little tears in my eyes and i didn't understand until now..i thought it was just my mood..but now i understand what my brain was trying to process. WOW, just wow!

 

On that note i have to go, i have a couple of other tasks to take care of before i can go to sleep..thanks for listening!

 



December 14 2012

okay lets deal with the regular part of the post-today is casual day and Master sometimes lets me wear jeans.  today he let me:

 

yes those are hot pink platform stilettos and they are CRAZY AWESOME!!

 

But lets get to IT- last night.  i think what i did is one of those things that sounds so easy until you do it. Yep, i got naked and stood outside for 5 minutes..big whoop, right? That is until you actually take your clothes off and do it.  i was shaking before i even went outside into the cold.  i went out with a cardigan on and went to the spot i had chosen and after a second took it off.  Oh what a moment when the cold air hits me and i am fully committed to my task.  Then i raised my arms and spread my legs, i didn't huddle or hug myself to keep my body heat, i just let that air hit me everywhere. After i got over the shock of the cold i started really feeling my nakedness, how exposed i was. It was midnight but it was by no means deserted in my neighborhood.  i could hear people driving by, car doors slam in the cul de sac, i waited for someone to let their dog out into their backyard, or to take out their trash last thing at night but even while i stood there worrying about all of that i didn't move, i stood like my Master wanted. Oh i loved it!  As i stood there, alone in the dark and the cold,  all i wanted was my Masters hands on me..my body would only be warm where he touched me! His hands would save me.  (this task brought out the drama queen in me)

 

From where i was standing there are a set of windows i was looking directly at and the whole time i stood there i imagined him inside toasty warm, drinking coffee standing at that window looking at his slut shaking and shivering outside and then i imagine him just slowly lowering the blinds and leaving me totally alone and in the dark. i would just stand there waiting for him to come release me and, oh my god, i would be so grateful when he did come even though i was out there at his command. When i am in the midst of an intense task or experience like this my feelings get mixed up in my head:  i get angry, i get scared, i get excited, i want release, i want it to end, i want it to go on forever, but most of all i am ALWAYS grateful to Master, the source of my torment. At the end of every task i want to throw myself at his feet and thank him for his attention, for his ability to send me straight to  my slave place in my mind, for how perfectly he somehow knows me. I would love knowing that he was inside happy and chuckling at his slut, outside shivering and waiting for him. That is what i am here for, to entertain, to serve, to please my Master.

 

It was an exhilarating experience and i want to do it again, for longer and when its colder. Push me Master, see how devoted i am!!!

 

 

i was actually outside for over 10 minutes all told and it was 38 degrees, i checked AFTER the task, i didnt want to know before hand.

December 13 2012

oh i am so tired! i have been working hard at work this week and i feel like i have been putting in a lot of slave work in the evenings, not sure if that is true but it feels like it. With trying to stick to my work out schedule and run general errands i am exhausted tonight. i even paid someone to walk my poor dog, who is taking the brunt of my new interests, she mainly just looks at me resentfully now. BUT i will be much more alert in about an hour.... we will get to that in a minute. Enough of my whining (but Jesus i will be glad to sleep in on sat).

Here is todays outfit. I was not very happy with the words that Master gave me this morning but perversely not being happy made me happy, if ya know what i mean. Remember today was also a diaper day (did not have time to snap a pic this morning-sorry):

After using the toilet first thing in the morning i was in diapers all day. As i talked about yesterday i was just going to just relax my muscles and be completely uncontrolled. i did do that, and it causes you to spend more time in a wet diaper because you cant change every time it gets a little wet or you would be going thru 100 dollars of diapers a day. But that is the base, worthless slut i want to feel like, the only control of my body comes from Master.  Around 10 or so, though, i put my foot right in my mouth. Chatting with Master i mentioned that today his control could be so thorough that he could just text me when to piss and i would do it on command.  i also said, while we were discussing what a piss whore i am becoming, that since i desperately want to be able to be his toilet when i see him i should get more used to drinking piss regularly..so maybe i should flavor my coffee (she says like an idiot). Both of those things were said partially joking and, probably if i am being totally honest, partially seriously. Of course both of those things happened.  i was instructed to flavor my coffee with my piss. And throughout the day i got a couple of abrupt texts commanding me to piss right then or at a particular time. So in the course of an hour i went from no control over myself what so ever to absolute control by Master, i loved it! Oh how awesome it was to piss on command, again like an animal, but a trained one this time.

i  got part of this weekends task, which i think, although it will probably be painful will be fun. i want to save it as a surprise tho so that is all i am going to say about that.

So, really other than the day long (and still now at night) diaper training there is not much else to mention today.....OH wait a second i forgot to mention that in about a 1/2 an hour i will be standing outside in my back yard naked for 5 minutes. Did you know it is, like, 35 degrees in Baltimore, did you know i live in a townhome with neighbors everywhere? No? Well it is and i do. i sound bitter but i am absolutely NOT, this task is exciting me to no end and i am chomping at the bit to get out there.  It is not a full moon and i do have a fence but there is still a view of my yard from any ones upstairs windows and frankly i am hoping some miserable husband around here is looking outside and sees me standing there legs apart, hands over my head, naked, in heels and  shaking from the cold! i am going to TRY to take a picture but i figure i only have one chance because i don't want the flash going off multiple times so there may be pictures or there may not. If get any i will send them to Master and he will tell me if i can post them. So that is my big finish for the night...stay tuned to see how it goes and wish me luck as i stand naked and exposed at attention for 5 chilly minutes simply because it amuses my Master. My god he is good, isn't he?



Update at 12:30am     A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god oh god oh god
Next time for longer and no messing around with pics!! (but id did get one-not the greatest but it proves i did it) oh god oh god - there were even shooting stars, SERIOUSLY????????

December 12 2012

Today (Wednesday) is usually a day of the week that because of our schedules i don't have a lot of  minute to minute contact with Master, yet it was an eventful day. First of all here is the outfit Mastered picked for me today:

 

 

Last night i received an order that i would spend the day double plugged. i mentioned this in a blog a couple of days ago and trust me there is a significant difference between lounging in my slut room with both holes filled and functioning at work that way!! i wore my super tight pantie girdle- a spanx type garment that did hold the plugs securely inside me but, my god, i felt so stuffed! i was walking funny-every step the 2 plugs rubbing  and moving and pressing inside of me. i couldn't sit straight down, i had to lean to the side. The whole thing was VERY uncomfortable but i guess so was wearing the plug in my ass all the time at first. But funnily enough every time i removed the cunt plug to pee i was absolutely dripping, Even if i didn't feel that deep heat inside me, apparently my cunt stayed stimulated, not exactly sure how that works.  Had anyone asked me i would have said that i was not turned on but lo and behold if i had been inspected i would have been called a liar. At any rate dealing with that kept me preoccupied with my holes all day and that is probably the point-didn't think about is my hair looking all right, what do i want for lunch, just thought about my stuffed holes-that is what i am: holes.  MMMM i love saying that and getting closer and closer to it being a mental reality for me.

In the afternoon Mastered let me know which of last nights pics to post, so you should be seeing 2 pictures of me in different "outfits" on SF.  I noticed that Master had clarified for someone on my page that i was a slut not a whore and we had a nice conversation about my status as less than a whore and my value in general.  Then at 2  he informed me that i will only be wearing a plug in my ass tmro but will be wearing diapers again-this did not used to happen so frequently. And then he sent me to hug and kiss and lick the toilet. So i had a great afternoon feeling very much Mastereds slut!!

Then around 4 we had a chance to talk again-mostly discussed how big my cunt is going to get (still sooooooooo conflicted about this) and the number of views one of my front page pics had gotten. i am glad it makes him happy when i am publicly displayed like that, if that is what he wants i want every man in the world to look at his slut, see everything about his property-pretty sure i have fully embraced the no privacy part of the slave concept! Then he said because i had been making him happy recently when i got home and finished some other tasks he had assigned me i was allowed to cover my cunt in hot wax.  YES!!! i loved this when it was a task and to be able to do it without the stress of trying to take a ton of pictures meant i could just revel in it. i am posting a before and after pic:

 

 

 

My legs were chained over my head to the headboard so i could drip the wax on my open cunt, i really wanted some to drip down and cover my asshole but i just couldn't coordinate it well enough. But i was able to snap a one handed picture before i moved. Peeling the wax off of the inside of my cunt is now one of my favorite sensations. i would like to be able to pull my cunt further open and have someone else drip it on me so that every tender part of me gets covered..maybe someday :).

 

 

So as i said not a lot of little tasks today but some really great moments. Especially hearing that i have been making Master happy-yet that does provoke some dread in me.  I feel like i am getting ready for a fall, that would be bad 1) because i do not want to disappoint Master but also 2) because i feel that if he expects really good things out of me and i fail in some way his disappointment and anger will be worse than if he didn't have high expectations. But i will continue to do my best to become the lowest slut, fuckthing, cunt, cockwhore that Master wants me to be.

 

 

As a small side note, i stopped to get more diapers tonight and got extra absorbent because, as i discussed in one other blog, i am still going to strive for the pure loss of control and just piss when i have the slightest urge-just like an animal would. But i don't want to have to worry about having and accident while i am having an accident, if ya know what i mean.

 

I also wanted to thank anybody who is reading these updates. i appreciate that you take the time to come here and check on what form Mastereds training is taken on any given day. Sharing every detail thru these blogs and the ones at SF really helps me internalize that everything about me should be open for all to see -mentally and physically. Thank you!!!!

 

December 11 2012

wow what a day. i was too busy and distracted to make notes about what was going on, but i will start with the usual, here is todays outfit (it really is cuter in person and i do have a waist!!)

And i will also mention that the cuntraption (HA HA Mastered is not the only one with bad puns) that was supposed to pull my lips thru the day did not work out-i must have done something wrong,,,BUT ... i don't really care because i had an awesome day anyway.

My job is the busiest at year end so this month and next month i am super busy..that said, as i have mentioned before even when i am working i am pretty much constantly thinking of Master. Some days, and i don't think he does this on purpose but i kind of love it, i will literally get a text, an email, a phone call and an IM within minutes of each other from Master - i feel like i am being bombarded by every media possible and rush to answer each one as quick as possible (while trying to at least pretend to be paying attention to work). It is hard to explain but it makes me feel..surrounded?..does that make sense? like any direction i turn there he is. So i am having one of those mornings and wind up missing a call from Master and i am glad that i did because the message of my dreams was left on my phone. OH he called me every name i love, told me i would fuck and suck when HE said and WHO he said, that i was less than a whore.  OMG this went on for several long minutes, i thought i would lose it right there at my desk. i listened to that all day. Master has this gravelly voice, the kind that you want right next to your ear and since it was my phone - it was.  i could close my eyes and feel him standing behind me speaking low and menacingly right in my ear about how he owns me, that i am a fuck thing.....goose bumps just talking about it now!!!!!!!!! i cant wait until i get to grovel in front of him and lick his shoes. Oh god. Well as you can tell, still pretty worked up and that was my state of mind when i put up my status on SF today. Oh and there was a comment on one of my pics about how nicely my cunt lips were stretched and how the viewer was able to see my inner cunt lips.. i will tell you something about my MOST intimate parts discussed in so casuallyabsolutely SENDS me..plus just all the comments in general today were giving me a jolt.  So by 2 today i was a blithering mess and still kind of am. All i wanted to do was go home and ferociously rub my clit until i came over and over.  But i did not do that (and couldn't have..but i will get to that in a minute). 

Finally the day was over and i could go home. But things just kept ratcheting the tension up. When i got home the "ominous package" Master had sent me for his visit was at the house. So i got to see my inflatable enema plug and the various accoutrement he'd sent. I also had to take pictures wearing said accoutrement.  Plus i had to answer all of the wonderful comments i got on SF so by 8 or 9 pretty much my entire day had been a sexual torment for me (and i loved it). So i figured that if i was going to break and wind up cheating on the no cumming rule it would be tonight.  What a PERFECT time to try my orajel! Before i got to my relaxation part of the evening i rubbed orajel all over my clit.  At first there was a cooling sensation then as i sat there..nothing. So i figured it was a bust but then i reached down to play with myself and there really was NOTHING! i could feel my clit with my fingers and my clit could feel the pressure of my fingers but no tingling, no heightening of pleasure or intensity!! It was amazing, to know that i could be fully denied sensation like that.  My cunt was still throbbing and the heat was still inside me, the aching but i could feel NOTHING in the area that could let me release that heat. Well i couldn't stop there, right? So Masters plan is that when i am used i derive no pleasure from it so, of course, i had to start fucking my lose ass just to see what that is like.  What it is like to feel myself full of cock but not enough to get me off and frantically rubbing my clit but having no sensation..oh and of course i was playing Masters message over an over while conducting this experiment..oh man talk about fully immersed.  Thinking of how my body was being manipulated, the faint friction of fucking my ass, haring Masters voice and knowing i could do absolutely nothing about it was making the heat in me worse.  Had that been a mans cock in me i would have truly just been servicing him, nothing about it would have been about me. AWESOME.

wow i am still kind of reeling from everything today so this is very poorly written and i apologize but i am tired now and don't have the energy to do a thorough edit so i hope this makes some kind of sense to every one. It will be better tmro! And i think Master will be wanting me to post some of the pics i took tonight so there might be that BUT i could be wrong.

BTW-the orajel is not long lasting (maybe 1/2 hour) and also does not stop you from getting wet.

December 10 2012

Ahhhh Monday-this is how perverse i have become i KIND OF love it when monday rolls around because i get back on my slave routine. Of course over the weekend i have my task and my blog and contact with Master but during the week the structure kicks back in and i think that is one of my favorite things.  While it is not really a routine, there are things that i know will happen, that i have to accommodate in real life, that i have to endure. It keeps me focused and feeling really in touch with my slave self. i am bad with structure in all aspects of my life-i always fight to go my way and do things at my convenience but now i cant and it does help even in regular life to keep me organized. But really i love that it keeps me hot and desperate 24/7!!

730- received my outfit choice from Master. Was also told to write "I am a slut" on my tits today. forgot to take a picture.

 

 

840- work work work, not the normal amount of contact from Master this morning-check my phone obsessively BUT do actually get more work done than usual.

 

1030-get pics and captions from Master for task pics.

 

 

200-sent to lick toilet and clip my cunt shut for an hour. i confess to Mastered that i missed him and spent all morning wishing he would call. That doesn't sound like a big deal but i also spent the morning swearing to myself i wasn't going to show it and fine if he doesn't want to chat then i don't care and wont give him the satisfaction of chasing him. Well i didn't chase him but i also couldn't stop myself from confessing how weak i am when it comes to him. All the power i normal wield in regular life is GONE in this situation and i feel compelled to admit it

 

 

300-work work work

 

 

430-receive a series of instruction for tmro, that will entail (hopefully) having my cuntlips pulled all day as i was whining about yesterday. So wait for updates on that tmro. Spend the rest of the work day talking to Master and anticipating how i will feel tmro-extra wet afternoon.

 

 

530-leave work, want to skip work out and go right home to work out this contraption of clothes pins that i will be wearing tmro BUT...

 

 

600-workout

 

 

700-dog walk

 

 

800-enema/shower

 

900-chillin' and dinner

 

10- respond to comments on SF blog and post pictures and start this blog

 

 

11-not 11 yet but i will be following Masters instructions about creating the contraption i will be wearing the day to pull and stretch my cuntlips-wish me luck.

 

 

PS  i felt bad that there wasn't a "dirty pic" on here today i thought it would be fun to post the picture i had up on SF that caught Mastereds attention and put me on this road.

 



December 7 2012

Today i  stayed home from work(may have had something to do with staying out until 3 this morning), this actually worked out well because today i was supposed to go to work with both holes plugged. This started because on fridays i am allowed to wear jeans but i think that even tho Master allows it it bugs him so he likes to make me uncomfortable if i do wear them. At any rate i wasn't really sure which toy was going to work, how it was going to feel, if i would be able to move normally, all that good stuff. But since i was home i got to take my time figuring out the best combo. It seems that is what is best is my normal large plug in my ass and the small plug that wont stay in my ass any longer in my cunt. The ass plug i have to turn to the side. this combo let me move pretty well and without any bad kind of pain.

 

For the most part these will stay in, however if i move wrong one or both will pop out. When i do this again i will have to wear my pantie girdle or something very tight to keep them in.  The feeling was incredible, my cunt was gushing the entire time i was filled!! i mean running down my legs type gushing. of course i am not allowed to cum but i am sooo okay with that-i think i almost like denial as much as cumming itself...well maybe not. But i do feel strongly that the point of all of this is not my pleasure, a slaves pleasure is not important, what is important is being ready to be used at all times and this certainly does the trick. i thought it would be so uncomfortable it wouldn't keep me excited but i was WRONG.

But that brings me to the next topic, semi related.  Master now says his goal is to make my holes so lose that i do not derive any pleasure from being fucked. My ass is already well on it way, the large dildo i used to use on my ass to get off now slides easily into me, tip to base in one stroke. i played the other night with it and had very little effect-i enjoyed it but the stretching, stuffed almost painful feeling that i love was gone with that toy. It is, i think, larger than your average cock so now if i am fucked in the ass i wont be cumming from just that anymore.  Conceptually i love this idea of lose fucked out holes that are only there for men to cum in and i have NO problem that my ass has already begun to feel this way. BUT i have to say i LOVE my tight cunt. When i am with men it is always commented upon and i LOVE to hear them when they first slide into me and feel how hot and tight i am and i am worried about losing that. i mean what if i stop doing this - what if i go vanilla again -what if..i don't know...i just know i love my pretty tight little cunt! i DO want to be purely a cum dump i really do and i will do what Mastered orders me to but this is a big one to get over. He also mentioned orajel on my clit when i am being used so that i cant have any clitoral stimulation either. This sounds interesting to me, the ache, the need is physically deep inside me so it won't stop that but it will make it impossible to be sated. At least i think that is how it will feel. i am actually going to buy some this weekend so i can see how that feels.

So i think this will be my last blog for the week-to resume on monday- since i will have to do my task and write my blog about that to be posted at SF this week end. i hope this first week was interesting to everyone, i really enjoyed being able to communicate my thoughts on a more regular basis.

December 6 2012

I didnt keep track of events today,  but here is my complete outfit as dictated by Master:

i LOVE that my pics MAY make SF men all over think about what is going on under a sluts clothes!!

not much to say tonight-went out so i didn't have time for any big epiphanies. BUT when i was telling my male friend about what i have been doing lately and what i have learned about myself  i found out he is a sub, lol, known him for 8 years and just found that out.  i give him a huge amount of cred for coming clean...but of course i did tell him first that i will do anything my Master tells me (and gave a couple of examples) THEN he told me about himself. 

December 5 2012

 

730- get email from Master with outfit choice-and todays words.

740- Get dressed with diaper. My full outfit for the day:

 

 

 

 

 

 

1016- Sit at desk and wet myself.

1020- Get stuck on call-sitting in wet diaper.

1040- Changed diaper -Okay! i have some thoughts about this diaper thing. First getting used to it: it probably seems hard to understand but it takes awhile to get your body used to just pissing when ever you have to. You spend your whole life holding it without even realizing that's what you do. For me it has gone in stages since the first time i put one on: first i had to go somewhere private and stand and decide to pee, then it got so i didn't have to be somewhere private but i still had to think about it and decide to release what ever muscles need to be released. Then i started being able to just pee anywhere but i still would have to "decide" to go. Today i tried to just release when ever i felt even an urge to go..a little, a lot ..whatever, just tried to give up controlling my body at all. i think i realized today that part of what i respond to, what i like about this is it makes me the basest person i can be, its the start of just letting my body cave to whatever instinct it feels, to piss, to fuck, to touch myself when ever i want.   i don't feel it in a way that infantalizes (not sure if that is a word) me but instead in a way that animalizes me. i just want to be that female animal that when a male is around my ass is automatically in the air opening myself for use like a female body should be-that is true instinct!!! And that is what i am starting to feel around men (i do have to say i don't feel that around men ive know "before" this but a lot of new men i meet or see). Now, all that said i cant pretend the humiliation isn't there in the civilized part of my brain, the part that worries about people hearing the slight crinkle of the diaper, that sees how ridiculous i look in it, that has to sit in a wet diaper while conducting business. So really its a win win-there is nothing about it that doesn't serve some purpose of my training AND it keeps my cunt wet because i am either being diminished to the level of an animal or humiliated by my predicament. Oh and with his somehow prescient understanding of me, as i am thinking about instinct and base animal urges Master tells me he has trained me so well -that i am "in constant heat like a dog" then starts talking about how i need to be kept caged in the safety and comfort of my slutroom, a bitch kept in controlled heat!!!! How the FUCK does he read my mind and know exactly what words will send electricity right thru me???

On a side note i love the juxtaposition of the sexy shoes and the diaper in the picture below, kind of embodies what i was talking about.

                                                         Putting on a fresh diaper

 

11- Work work work-not too horrible today. Not too much interaction directly with Master during the day today.

120- Lunch.

200- Work work work.

230- Chat with Master-give him my address so he can ship me things to use when we see each other that cant go on the plane-ominous...lol! Instructed to apply icy hot to my asshole at 3,4 and 5 oclock. i am such an anal slut, i love my ass fucked, tormented, stuffed full of plug...anything!

300- Work drama but the juicy interesting kind.

430- More chat with Master.

530- Leave work.

610- Go to gym-change publicly with my writing on my tits- i don't think anyone sees. Work out (think of pleasing men with my body)

715- Long walk with dog.

8- Enema/piss shower/ real shower.

9- Dinner.

10- Blog with tit/cunt puller on tits.

December 4 2012

700- Wake up to email from Master of outfit choice:

800- Check in and mention that i did not get assigned a label to put on myself. Master soon rectified that situation:

810- Leave for work-leashed in car.

840- Work-UGH-i am looking forward to the zombie Apocalypse just so i can stop going to work.

1030- Master lets me know the inflatable butt plug enema nozzle he ordered has arrived. Promises/threatens stretching and enema fun when i see him. scared and excited.

1200- So not about work today. i wonder how much this has to do with the fact that i would prefer to be totally immersed in slave life. There does seem to be a correlation between when i started hating my job and when i really started to feel right with the slave activities. On the other hand there have been real changes here at work that do warrant unhappiness. But the problem is when things go badly at work it effects how i interact with Master, i don't know if he notices but i bite my tongue a lot on those days because i want to say to him "you know what? i am just not in the mood". But then i think- logically- don't mess up something that you do love, something that is becoming such an important part of your life because of this stupid job. So i try really hard to keep it in perspective that what i am upset at or irritated with has nothing to do with Mastered and everything to do with the work.  Days like today it is hard to stay focused. (and just to clarify staying focused means that i am supposed to think sex as much as possible which would allow me to be readily used at any point in time, cunt always wet. and hungry for cock ) On the other hand when i am totally in the slave zone i hate the intrusion of, say, a stupid client. i feel like screaming "i am vibe-ing with my Master right now don't bother me!!" lol.

130- Good news from Master - i get to wear a diaper all day and night tmro. Now i know that is an odd thing to say but when i am in my office thinking how awesome i am or bitching about some client and how stupid they are, nothing reminds me of my true place quicker than having to sit there in a wet diaper or go to the bathroom- and this is one of those things that is even hard to type- "change my diaper".  Can a person feel more diminished?  That is why i love it-its hard to think primarily of yourself as a bad ass when you are not allowed to use the toilet because your Master says, when you hand over control of your most basic functions as a person. Its one of those things that i hate but that will take me directly to my slave zone which is calming.

230- Work work work bah blah blah!

430- More chat with Master.

530- I AM OUTTA HERE! leave work! instructed to lick the toilet AGAIN before i leave. He seems to be on a kick today, ive been sent to do it about 5 times today.  Something Mastered told me to do a while ago was "go hug and kiss the toilet" and i was, like, what?? then he said "well you love the toilet so you should hug and kiss it".  That's another one of those things that sends me straight to my zone.  So now i will say out loud  "i will hug and kiss and lick the toilet because i love it", its one of my litanies. I should list them out some time, some are sayings Master wants me to remember and some are things he has said that he probably doesn't even know i repeat over and over, repeating them can calm me down when im stressed either about something he wants me to do or something in regular life.

6- Tan and work out-god i hate working out but damn it feels good when im done! This is the truth: i think about Master and making my body more pleasing to men when i am working out to keep me motivated.

715- Home, no long walk for the dog tonight, Sorry Gracie.

730- Enema - shower / beauty night: mud mask-plucking-nails (that's why no dog walk-Mommy needs to do maintenance) getting bored of the red nail polish, i wouldn't mention it but i am only allowed clear, pink or red. I hate clear-pink is ok-red is my fave but i am missing my black (so chic).

845- Dinner.

915- CAKE!!

10- do my nightly slaps- tits cunt and ass.  i LOVE slapping my cunt. oh that feeling! A-mazing!

December 3 2012

730- wake up to Masters email of outfit choice- of course not the one i wanted-and instructed to write "fuck meat" under my clothes today-so this is todays total outfit:

800- apply icy hot to clit and in cunt hole
 

810- drive to work-leashed for all to see

840- work.

1030- Master IMs-sends me pics from my task he wants me to post and the captions that go with them. Helped me keep my cunt wet as it should always be.

1050- Master calls and lets me hear him cum-torture for me!!!!!! I can't cum AND want his so bad my head is spinning.
( stupidly a while ago i pledged that i wouldn't cum until i was with him and he is holding me to that-i act like i don't like it but i love the torture)

1100- Master abruptly signs off and leaves me sitting in my puddle.

1105- try to work

1145- go the bathroom to pee can't resist pulling my plug in and out for a while-that is getting entirely too easy to do-soon the big plug wont stay in either.

1155- back to work

120- lunch run to the store for dinner ingredients/Eat lunch

200- teased by Master about hearing him cum- makes me think..... I have always been more concerned with a man cumming than with myself even in vanilla relationships-god there is nothing better than the sound of a man moaning as he is shooting his cum deep in any one of my holes. So being a thing to be used for others pleasure and none for me has been simmering closer to the surfaced than i thought.

215- ordered to lick toilet by Master

220- work

440- Master IMs- have a good conversation about the frustration i am feeling about not being able to serve him in person for weeks. it is funny that i started this with no intention of doing anything but online but thru sheer coincidence of our locations and lives i will be able to see him again in a couple of weeks and cant wait. i feel like i have to move to new levels he and i have talked about but he told me to be patient -that it is a journey and there is no hurry. i know he is right but some days i am so eager to really become a true cockwhore for Masters pleasure and then some days i just don't think i have it in me to do the things i would need to so i try to push extra hard. At any rate a good convo and different because i don't generally talk about what i am thinking.

530- drive home leashed and with cunt clipped shut

615- walk dog- beautiful night for it/no workout tonight i got about 3 hours of sleep last night so too tired.

700- start cooking dinner/answer comments on SF/ submit pictures and captions Mastered sent me earlier.

800- eat and chill

900- Beverly Hills Housewives!!!!!! and post info about this site on SF.

10- its not 10 yet but i am going to finish here for the night. think i will attach my tit/cuntlip puller to my tits tonight while i listen to my litany of names. maybe i will post that audio loop tmro so people can hear what i meditate on.

December 2 2012

***please be aware this is a work in progress, not sure how i will wind up formatting these entries and the level of detail may evolve, this first entry is really just an experiment***

7 am message with master, tells me to slap cunt 15 times, whine when he signs off, face lips clipped shut for 10 minutes as punishment.

8 am back to sleep

1030am up and out to hike with dog

1145am tidy house-must keep bathroom super clean -never know when i will be licking toilet or drinking the water (fortunately dont do that much -DO NOT LIKE IT)

1215pm enema/shower

115pm cook "breakfast", lol

130 -5pm chill

general comment- watching trashy true life crime shows-my regular sunday relaxation

5-6pm complete Mastereds weekend task- gets me out of my funk-email pictures to Master

6-7pm set up blogspot site

730 run to store for dinner, normally do lots of cooking on sun but sooo not in the mood so soup and sandwiches tonight

general comment-tits (specifically nipples) very sore from task and falling asleep with tit puller on fri night.

8pm pick outfits to send Master -take pic -new pic needed for one (one with new boots , hope he lets me wear that one)

830 eat dinner think about ideas for task blog

9pm WALKING DEAD

10pm blog sent to Master

1015 check in sent to Master with outfit selections/this blog site/ and a request for words to wear under my clothes tmro

1030 tit/cunt puller attached to cunt lips for 1/2 hour

                                                    lips pulled by weights across the room

11-1 relax and go to bed