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| So i got these candy canes...... |
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| This seemed like the natural thing to do with them.... |
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| It felt tingly.... |
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| So i thought i would give it another go... |
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| Things like this are probably why i'm on the naughty list! |
Wait-that's not what you are supposed to do with candy canes?
December 23, 2014
I like to be precise when i speak, and i try to stay away from hyperbole. I am always suspicious of over the top declarations of love. But i understand it is difficult to articulate the intense feelings that a successful D/s relationship can provoke, i understand that these can be BIG feelings and the easiest way to communicate the strength of them is by saying love. The way Mastereds and my relationship is structured (and how we both like it) you will never hear me say i love him. To me love is based on personality, on who the person you "love" is. M and i don't get down like that-i don't know "who" he is, nor he me. I have some idea of his ethics, his character, and some ideas about how he lives his life based on casual comments but i couldn't tell you what is important to him in life, or what he thinks politically. But...............
When M is pushing me thru a limit or into a new thing that i never thought i would do and it blows my mind, i have these huge waves of emotion that are almost physical in their power, emotions that are so strong that my body FEELS them. And, i wont lie, i have been tempted to use the word love but that is lazy, it is just the word we all think of when we feel strongly towards another person. When i really look at what i am truly feeling at those times it is gratitude, i am just so fucking thankful that he can make me feel so low, i am so fucking thankful for his skill, his competence. Love, i think, should be selfless, and my feeling is definitely selfish. i serve Mastered almost unquestioningly because of what he makes me feel, i am a hostage-i need him to make me feel the way i want to feel. i don't need to "know" him, i just need him to do what he does. grrrrrrrr this is such a hard thing to articulate.
Someone that used to write on SF occasional once wrote something that resonated with me, to paraphrase it was along the lines of "maybe part of the appeal of this lifestyle, when taken seriously, is that it allows us to feel stronger emotions than we would otherwise." It has been a long time since i was in love but it seems to me that it was more conflicted, less straight forward and consequently less intense than the devotion i feel now. There is really no conflict in how i feel now, it is a pure thing (ironically), based on a selfish need i have to belong to Mastered. And just to bring it a little full circle: that single minded, unquestioning devotion may be possible because we only focus on this one area and don't muddy the waters with "knowing" each other.
I don't know why i went on this tangent but it was itching to get out of me. hope i made some kind of sense.
And apropos of nothing here is a video that M ordered me to make, maybe it will make up for the rambling. :)
Dec 14 2013
Sorry for the long delay in posting. As i said before i have been sick and it has taken quite a while to get back to 100 percent. It is also the busiest time of year in the industry i work in, plus my company has been taken over and i need to be on point with the new big wigs so there has been somewhat of a slow down in the contact between Mastered and me. Plus, of course, it is a busy time of year for everyone including Mastered. Because of all of that my official tasks are on hold until after the new year and things have kind of been in a holding pattern. But, ironically, by taking that pressure off, taking the expectations off, by not really expecting fireworks- i find myself more powerfully excited by a new word or phrase used casually that just catches my imagination and sends me (us) down a road that is powerful and unexpected. Unfortunately one of the things i am talking about i am not comfortable sharing but there have been other smaller events in the past couple of weeks worth mentioning.
Mastered used to send me on a regular basis into the restroom at work to hug the toilet, not just lick it but actually hug it. I used to find this very calming actually, i would get on my knees, wrap my arms around the bowl and lay my head on the seat and it just stopped any stress i was having. Some times he would tell me to thank the toilet for letting me be the filthy pig i am or tell the toilet it is better than me and that use to make me feel stupid but now on the occasions he still sends me in there it doesn't even bother me. But now he has started sending me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for periods of time. And i LOVE it. In the middle of a hectic day, pressure everywhere and i go into the bathroom, put my nose in the corner, blank walls in front of my eyes, repeating whatever Mastered felt like having me say that day. My world comes back down to just obeying, i am mindless, no stimulation except that phrase over and over. i am calm almost instantly, five minutes flies by like it was 60 seconds.
One day last week Mastered was sending me to the corner every 2 hours. While i was in the corner i was to fuck my ass with my plug. This is a different feeling than when i just repeat a phrase, it is not calming because the stance required to do this is so undignified. I have to literally press my face to the wall, stick out my ass, legs awkwardly splayed and fuck myself. The day of the 2 hours intervals i was not able to do the last 1 or 2 cycles because i was in meetings. During the time i was in meetings Mastered sent me a text demanding a pic of me fucking myself, which i obviously did not do. As i have mentioned before Mastered is always reasonable about my job responsibilities but i felt bad when i got home that night that i let him down. So i made him the video below. By way of explanation I should mention that over the couple of days before i made this video i had spent a lot of time with gigantor stretching my ass, also the night right before this video i spent 45 minutes straight fucking my ass with one of my large suction cup dildos (smaller than gigantor but i remember when i was a normal woman i thought this dildo was VERY large). Some of you may remember me talking before about a little game i play with myself: while i give my ass a hard fucking i try to recite all of my litanies, all of the phrases Mastered likes me to say-i was playing that game, and of course i also had my weighted clamps swinging wildly off of my tits so i lost track of time. As a result of all my independent ass stretching/fucking plus the couple of times during the day that i did fuck my ass with my plug as instructed by the time i made this vid my pig hole was very stretched and open. I thought Mastered would be happy to see how loose i was so i decided to show him that even my plug has a hard time staying in my asshole now.
Mastered used to send me on a regular basis into the restroom at work to hug the toilet, not just lick it but actually hug it. I used to find this very calming actually, i would get on my knees, wrap my arms around the bowl and lay my head on the seat and it just stopped any stress i was having. Some times he would tell me to thank the toilet for letting me be the filthy pig i am or tell the toilet it is better than me and that use to make me feel stupid but now on the occasions he still sends me in there it doesn't even bother me. But now he has started sending me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for periods of time. And i LOVE it. In the middle of a hectic day, pressure everywhere and i go into the bathroom, put my nose in the corner, blank walls in front of my eyes, repeating whatever Mastered felt like having me say that day. My world comes back down to just obeying, i am mindless, no stimulation except that phrase over and over. i am calm almost instantly, five minutes flies by like it was 60 seconds.
One day last week Mastered was sending me to the corner every 2 hours. While i was in the corner i was to fuck my ass with my plug. This is a different feeling than when i just repeat a phrase, it is not calming because the stance required to do this is so undignified. I have to literally press my face to the wall, stick out my ass, legs awkwardly splayed and fuck myself. The day of the 2 hours intervals i was not able to do the last 1 or 2 cycles because i was in meetings. During the time i was in meetings Mastered sent me a text demanding a pic of me fucking myself, which i obviously did not do. As i have mentioned before Mastered is always reasonable about my job responsibilities but i felt bad when i got home that night that i let him down. So i made him the video below. By way of explanation I should mention that over the couple of days before i made this video i had spent a lot of time with gigantor stretching my ass, also the night right before this video i spent 45 minutes straight fucking my ass with one of my large suction cup dildos (smaller than gigantor but i remember when i was a normal woman i thought this dildo was VERY large). Some of you may remember me talking before about a little game i play with myself: while i give my ass a hard fucking i try to recite all of my litanies, all of the phrases Mastered likes me to say-i was playing that game, and of course i also had my weighted clamps swinging wildly off of my tits so i lost track of time. As a result of all my independent ass stretching/fucking plus the couple of times during the day that i did fuck my ass with my plug as instructed by the time i made this vid my pig hole was very stretched and open. I thought Mastered would be happy to see how loose i was so i decided to show him that even my plug has a hard time staying in my asshole now.
As you can see i can just push my plug out now. This looseness doesn't seem to present a real problem, only when i sneeze or cough. LOL. I like this video because it is just obscene, just wrong on some level. i feel like i should be embarrassed to post it but i am not-as they say "it is what it is." this is me and i am proud of it, especial since i know it made Mastered happy. Clearly i will never really enjoy a "regular" sized cock in my ass now. i look at porn Mastered sends me and i know i can get it bigger and i am still dedicated, not just to being so loose i cant enjoy when men use my ass but just in general to stretching to get as big a pig hole as i can- i would like Mastered to be able to double fist my ass when next we meet.
Dec 4 2013
A couple of weeks ago. i took this pic and forgot to post it.
Sometimes when i am especially craving Master, or just particularly horny in general i will ask M to give me something horrible to do or think about. i don't remember if that was the case with this pic or if he just sent me to do it for his entertainment. Either way this is a picture of me licking the unisex public bathroom floor, because that is the kind of pig Mastered likes. i believe the thought of that day was how worthless and low i am, cleaning the public bathroom floor with my tongue is right at my level.
(i added a new app on my phone that lets me edit photos so i was playing/testing that when i sent this that is why there is writing on it)
Sometimes when i am especially craving Master, or just particularly horny in general i will ask M to give me something horrible to do or think about. i don't remember if that was the case with this pic or if he just sent me to do it for his entertainment. Either way this is a picture of me licking the unisex public bathroom floor, because that is the kind of pig Mastered likes. i believe the thought of that day was how worthless and low i am, cleaning the public bathroom floor with my tongue is right at my level.
(i added a new app on my phone that lets me edit photos so i was playing/testing that when i sent this that is why there is writing on it)
adding the following after the initial post:
I think I was reminded of that pic because today is also one of those days were I am just desperate for Mastered, for abuse, for degradation. When I get like this I don’t even want sex, except as a torture, fuck me but don’t let me cum, fuck me all you want in any hole you want JUST DON’T LET ME HAVE ANY SATISFACTION!!! Diaper day usually keeps me very aroused because it just starts my day off in a humiliating fashion, almost from the time I wake up I am diapered. And this morning I realized I will have to go to the store and buy more which is always hard to get thru-I have gotten used to many things but I still loathe buying diapers. So of course that makes me hot. But its more than that, I am just super fucking horny. Mastered sent me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for 5 minutes today and that made it worse, 5 minutes of uninterrupted thought about him, about what a piece of shit I am. GOD I have literally spent about a half an hour fantasizing about getting a hold of the boxers, briefs whatever he wore today when he worked out and sucking them clean with my mouth. Cleaning every bit of sweat and nastiness with my pig mouth- seriously, that thought has distracted me from work!! I have thought of him fucking either of my holes and emptying his balls in me (without me cumming!!!) and after I stand there and the cum drips out of which ever hole and onto the floor I get to lick it up!!! This is my mental state today. I want a whipping so bad that I cry and when I crumple to the ground trying to get away I want to hear that hard voice tell me to get up, not put a hand on me, not help me up, not grab me by the hair and pull me up but just make me with the tone in his voice get myself back up and ask for more. I want him to put me in the tub and piss all over me, turn out the light and leave me in the filth.
I think I was reminded of that pic because today is also one of those days were I am just desperate for Mastered, for abuse, for degradation. When I get like this I don’t even want sex, except as a torture, fuck me but don’t let me cum, fuck me all you want in any hole you want JUST DON’T LET ME HAVE ANY SATISFACTION!!! Diaper day usually keeps me very aroused because it just starts my day off in a humiliating fashion, almost from the time I wake up I am diapered. And this morning I realized I will have to go to the store and buy more which is always hard to get thru-I have gotten used to many things but I still loathe buying diapers. So of course that makes me hot. But its more than that, I am just super fucking horny. Mastered sent me to the bathroom to stand in the corner for 5 minutes today and that made it worse, 5 minutes of uninterrupted thought about him, about what a piece of shit I am. GOD I have literally spent about a half an hour fantasizing about getting a hold of the boxers, briefs whatever he wore today when he worked out and sucking them clean with my mouth. Cleaning every bit of sweat and nastiness with my pig mouth- seriously, that thought has distracted me from work!! I have thought of him fucking either of my holes and emptying his balls in me (without me cumming!!!) and after I stand there and the cum drips out of which ever hole and onto the floor I get to lick it up!!! This is my mental state today. I want a whipping so bad that I cry and when I crumple to the ground trying to get away I want to hear that hard voice tell me to get up, not put a hand on me, not help me up, not grab me by the hair and pull me up but just make me with the tone in his voice get myself back up and ask for more. I want him to put me in the tub and piss all over me, turn out the light and leave me in the filth.
I was hoping that by writing this it would get out of my
system-that does not appear to be happening. lol
I was in this state of mind earlier when I was talking to
Mastered and he said he had to go, so I said that I wish he would stay and talk
to me. Now tonight I will be clothes pinning my mouth shut for 15 minutes for
whining. Even that doesn’t help and now he is calling me a whiny fucking baby
AND THAT IS JUST MAKING THINGS WORSE. I think
I am going to explode from the need for abuse and humiliation. FUCK
(I'm not editing this-so it is total stream of consciousness)
im back and adding more-im just sharing everything im thinking no filter so dont judge:
now i have been thinking of making a lovely dinner, 2 plates on the table everything served and M takes my plate and very deliberaely, as i watch, scrapes every bit into the trash and i have to eat out of the trash like a pig. when done he bends me over the table and fucks me with sauce still smeared across my face, bits of food in my hair, calling me pig with every thrust. after he cums (NO CUMMING FOR ME) i have to clean up from dinner before i get to clean myself up. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, so desperate.
Dec 2 2013
This long weekend i had a non-task task assigned by Mastered whish started with just providing cunt inspection pictures-which he requires periodically just to make sure im keeping everything shaved and tidy-and i think probably to remind me that the cunt is not really mine, that he is in charge of it-but i am just guessing about that. But the task-y part was to take pics while i was shaving. This didn't really phase me-i am obviously used to showing what ever he wants but i did ask why and he said it was just to remove another barrier-show what i have to do to make him happy. My stomach did twist a little thinking of showing shaving my asshole. Frankly i don't even like saying it...it seems so...crass. i know that sounds weird but it was something that made me uncomfortable but of course i did take pictures of everything. And i love that stomach twist, just means another layer is gone.
i was planning to do the pics on Sunday. On sat i got my period, that means that i would be super heavy on sunday. i told Mastered and he just said that was perfect to go ahead with the task with my string hanging out. Now this really really did make my stomach twist. It really just goes back to upbringing..bodily functions are secret secret secret!! And a period, well, you go out of your way to be discreet about that. ive never had a problem having sex while on my period but in terms pads, tampons, maintenance type stuff i keep all of that hidden-so....undignified. And now that i look at the pics, seeing that string hanging out of my cunt, it is obscene. Of course i am glad i had to do it. Frankly even as i felt the cramps on sat i was happy because i knew M wouldn't let me off the hook, i knew it would make my stomach twist BAD but that when i was done my stomach wouldn't twist anymore about it, it would just be another piece of dignity stripped from me. That makes me happy..a dog doesn't get embarrassed, an animal isn't shy, a pig doesn't understand the concept of modesty.
Its funny, i have really lost quite a bit of my ability to gauge what is appropriate or offensive or private to a normal woman anymore. i have talked to some newbie women lately and they are worried about posting pics and that idea of privacy is so foreign a concept to me it is even hard to remember. It is just what i do now: show my cunt with what ever Mastered wants shoved in it-that's a regular Saturday for me, show my open asshole after i use gigantor-doesnt even make me blush just makes me wish it was a bigger gaping hole. i even worry about getting more people over here to see my pics, maintaining a presence so that a couple hundred men look at my pics everyday, that's what i am here for!
i was planning to do the pics on Sunday. On sat i got my period, that means that i would be super heavy on sunday. i told Mastered and he just said that was perfect to go ahead with the task with my string hanging out. Now this really really did make my stomach twist. It really just goes back to upbringing..bodily functions are secret secret secret!! And a period, well, you go out of your way to be discreet about that. ive never had a problem having sex while on my period but in terms pads, tampons, maintenance type stuff i keep all of that hidden-so....undignified. And now that i look at the pics, seeing that string hanging out of my cunt, it is obscene. Of course i am glad i had to do it. Frankly even as i felt the cramps on sat i was happy because i knew M wouldn't let me off the hook, i knew it would make my stomach twist BAD but that when i was done my stomach wouldn't twist anymore about it, it would just be another piece of dignity stripped from me. That makes me happy..a dog doesn't get embarrassed, an animal isn't shy, a pig doesn't understand the concept of modesty.
Its funny, i have really lost quite a bit of my ability to gauge what is appropriate or offensive or private to a normal woman anymore. i have talked to some newbie women lately and they are worried about posting pics and that idea of privacy is so foreign a concept to me it is even hard to remember. It is just what i do now: show my cunt with what ever Mastered wants shoved in it-that's a regular Saturday for me, show my open asshole after i use gigantor-doesnt even make me blush just makes me wish it was a bigger gaping hole. i even worry about getting more people over here to see my pics, maintaining a presence so that a couple hundred men look at my pics everyday, that's what i am here for!
November 24 2013
Spare the rod, spoil the child. While i certainly don't subscribe to this theory in child rearing-it is the only effective way to treat me. I don't mean a literal rod (well when possible) but verbal and mental rods work just as well. Of course i don't think this is a big secret, i am very open about how i need to be treated and the few quotes by Mastered i put in here show that he is not exactly "sweet" but that works perfectly for us. But that does make the moments of kindness stand out even more, when kindness is withheld you become doubly, triply grateful for it.
I have been sick for about a week and a half and i was trying not to bitch about it to M, i mentioned it but i didn't ask for special treatment (you will have to check with him to see if i was actually more whiny than i think, lol). I was maybe not as enthusiastic as normal but we had just come thru a week or two where, i feel, we were just "off" a little so i didn't want to ask for special treatment or indicate in anyway that i wasn't fully engaged. But after a couple of days M just told me just to stop, don't do the things he assigned me, don't worry about being available and just take care of myself. And he said it nice, not bitchy. And you know what? That piggy pissing outside pic that i had been dreading, that i had been thinking "how the hell am i going to get up in the middle of the night when i feel like this, when it will be 30 freaking degrees?", i took that pic the night he told me to just stop. Because just that tiny little bit of consideration made me want to work 20 times harder for him. So yes, the rod is critical to keeping me where i need and want to be but those brief moments of kindness work in combination to always keep me grateful for him...that day i was grateful that he was a real Master and didn't get pissy because i was sick, today i am grateful that he is a bastard that relishes the idea that my pics are being stolen and spread across the internet showing others what a pig i am.
Apparently he randomly found this old one on some other site and i say he was downright gleeful when he told me.
I have been sick for about a week and a half and i was trying not to bitch about it to M, i mentioned it but i didn't ask for special treatment (you will have to check with him to see if i was actually more whiny than i think, lol). I was maybe not as enthusiastic as normal but we had just come thru a week or two where, i feel, we were just "off" a little so i didn't want to ask for special treatment or indicate in anyway that i wasn't fully engaged. But after a couple of days M just told me just to stop, don't do the things he assigned me, don't worry about being available and just take care of myself. And he said it nice, not bitchy. And you know what? That piggy pissing outside pic that i had been dreading, that i had been thinking "how the hell am i going to get up in the middle of the night when i feel like this, when it will be 30 freaking degrees?", i took that pic the night he told me to just stop. Because just that tiny little bit of consideration made me want to work 20 times harder for him. So yes, the rod is critical to keeping me where i need and want to be but those brief moments of kindness work in combination to always keep me grateful for him...that day i was grateful that he was a real Master and didn't get pissy because i was sick, today i am grateful that he is a bastard that relishes the idea that my pics are being stolen and spread across the internet showing others what a pig i am.
Apparently he randomly found this old one on some other site and i say he was downright gleeful when he told me.
**just as clarification i am not surprised that my pics get lifted it is just always a gut punch to see it. the only time i get upset, like angry upset as opposed to embarrassed upset (which is the good kind)that my degradation is shown other places, is when someone pretends my pics are their own.
November 14 2014
Ummm did i just say in my last post there are not that many epiphanies? Well i don't know if what i am going to write about qualifies as exactly that but it is something i am struggling with yet excited by. If your here you have probably seen the new profile pic. So now the face i present to the world is my pig face.
I have had a profile pic with a mask on before, it was a while ago, but it was just a regular bondage mask. i hated that pic, not so much because of the mask but because i hated how my body looked. The mask was a minor irritant just contributing to the gestalt of a big hulking monster vibe. But because i hated the whole picture so much i couldn't really even focus on how the mask made me feel. But now in the profile pic i am happy with every aspect EXCEPT the mask and now i can zero in on how that makes me feel.
The obvious statement is that it makes me less "ME". Without expression, with that blank pig look i am just an anonymous body devoid of personality. i know that is what i am "supposed" to be anyway but we all know that isn't technically the case or you wouldn't be over here reading this-clearly i am a person, i have a distinct personality damn it!!!!! But i worry about the new people who join and see me-anyone here (reading this) has had time to get to know me, but for new people that will be their first impression of me and if they don't investigate the blogs etc i will be forever imprinted in their mind that way. Think about it-the people you talk to on SF no matter what their current pic is if you close your eyes and have to think of them its probably the pic they had when you first met them that pops into your head. So right there the pic is successful in diminishing "ME" in a very real way- they will literally think of me as a pig forever. Then even for those who have been familiar with me for a while i wonder how many videos (2 posted in a row) and pics before "I" start to fade in their minds. Its kind of like how you are told that if you are attacked you are supposed to say your own name a lot, talk about yourself so that the attacker starts to see you as a person-this is the opposite, there is less and less of me for people to identify as a person. As this goes on with that unchanging pig face i become less and less without people even realizing there is a shift in their thinking- a totally subconscious thing.
Then there is VANITY!! i know the pig thing is not everyones cup of tea and i, furthermore, know that the only cup of tea i should be concerned about is Mastereds but...but... i am human (for a while longer anyway) and i see that the rates are lower for the pig stuff. Those that are on board love it but some who watch me, look at me, pleasure themselves to me will not be into it and that bothers me, i can not lie. Part of that is knowing that M is knowingly making me less attractive, maybe, just because he can. Tied to that is the certainty that there are those that will be mocking, not out loud i am sure, but still, maybe to a friend in pm " jesus did you see J? i would never do that! ugh who would even find that hot she just looks ridiculous?" (if that seemed convincing its because that's what i would probably think if i had seen something like this a year ago). i don't like to be made fun of, i mean who does? And there is already another task i have been assigned that will make me behave and be seen in an even more animal-like fashion (i wont ruin the surprise).
Now the flip side to this, as always, is that these exact same things are exciting to me and i am going to do my best to push thru this first hard part, to stay open to being more of a pig, less of an individual and whatever that brings. When i told Mastered some of what my worries were his response was "it's what I demand and want from you and it's what YOU are, the PIG, a naked fuck pig in front of everyone to look at and make fun of or talk about and you can't do a thing about it as you know it's your place" and that was what i needed to hear-i bring myself back to that statement when i get freaked out about how i am viewed. When i switched out the pic there was only a small part of me that was excited at all of these thoughts-the freaked out part was bigger. Now i am really getting into it. I am looking forward, for the most part, to the task that Mastered has set for me, looking forward to showing everyone that is how Mastered wants me to behave and that i am happy not only following his orders but actually happy to be behaving like that in any case, comfortable in my skin and in my mentality. Well maybe im not THAT ok with it yet but i am getting there!! Mastered knows what is deep in my mind, where i really want to be, WHAT i really want to be so i just make myself do what he says when i am feeling scared and lost and usually i get to a place where i am happier and more at peace than i thought possible.
So in an effort to further embrace the pig in me, here are some of the pics that didn't get selected as the profile pic.
I have had a profile pic with a mask on before, it was a while ago, but it was just a regular bondage mask. i hated that pic, not so much because of the mask but because i hated how my body looked. The mask was a minor irritant just contributing to the gestalt of a big hulking monster vibe. But because i hated the whole picture so much i couldn't really even focus on how the mask made me feel. But now in the profile pic i am happy with every aspect EXCEPT the mask and now i can zero in on how that makes me feel.
The obvious statement is that it makes me less "ME". Without expression, with that blank pig look i am just an anonymous body devoid of personality. i know that is what i am "supposed" to be anyway but we all know that isn't technically the case or you wouldn't be over here reading this-clearly i am a person, i have a distinct personality damn it!!!!! But i worry about the new people who join and see me-anyone here (reading this) has had time to get to know me, but for new people that will be their first impression of me and if they don't investigate the blogs etc i will be forever imprinted in their mind that way. Think about it-the people you talk to on SF no matter what their current pic is if you close your eyes and have to think of them its probably the pic they had when you first met them that pops into your head. So right there the pic is successful in diminishing "ME" in a very real way- they will literally think of me as a pig forever. Then even for those who have been familiar with me for a while i wonder how many videos (2 posted in a row) and pics before "I" start to fade in their minds. Its kind of like how you are told that if you are attacked you are supposed to say your own name a lot, talk about yourself so that the attacker starts to see you as a person-this is the opposite, there is less and less of me for people to identify as a person. As this goes on with that unchanging pig face i become less and less without people even realizing there is a shift in their thinking- a totally subconscious thing.
Then there is VANITY!! i know the pig thing is not everyones cup of tea and i, furthermore, know that the only cup of tea i should be concerned about is Mastereds but...but... i am human (for a while longer anyway) and i see that the rates are lower for the pig stuff. Those that are on board love it but some who watch me, look at me, pleasure themselves to me will not be into it and that bothers me, i can not lie. Part of that is knowing that M is knowingly making me less attractive, maybe, just because he can. Tied to that is the certainty that there are those that will be mocking, not out loud i am sure, but still, maybe to a friend in pm " jesus did you see J? i would never do that! ugh who would even find that hot she just looks ridiculous?" (if that seemed convincing its because that's what i would probably think if i had seen something like this a year ago). i don't like to be made fun of, i mean who does? And there is already another task i have been assigned that will make me behave and be seen in an even more animal-like fashion (i wont ruin the surprise).
Now the flip side to this, as always, is that these exact same things are exciting to me and i am going to do my best to push thru this first hard part, to stay open to being more of a pig, less of an individual and whatever that brings. When i told Mastered some of what my worries were his response was "it's what I demand and want from you and it's what YOU are, the PIG, a naked fuck pig in front of everyone to look at and make fun of or talk about and you can't do a thing about it as you know it's your place" and that was what i needed to hear-i bring myself back to that statement when i get freaked out about how i am viewed. When i switched out the pic there was only a small part of me that was excited at all of these thoughts-the freaked out part was bigger. Now i am really getting into it. I am looking forward, for the most part, to the task that Mastered has set for me, looking forward to showing everyone that is how Mastered wants me to behave and that i am happy not only following his orders but actually happy to be behaving like that in any case, comfortable in my skin and in my mentality. Well maybe im not THAT ok with it yet but i am getting there!! Mastered knows what is deep in my mind, where i really want to be, WHAT i really want to be so i just make myself do what he says when i am feeling scared and lost and usually i get to a place where i am happier and more at peace than i thought possible.
So in an effort to further embrace the pig in me, here are some of the pics that didn't get selected as the profile pic.
i do take some small comfort in the fact that my ass looks fabulous!!!
November 11 2013
So obviously i haven't been writing a lot lately. i think there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is not everything is an epiphany anymore. There is not much that i struggle with anymore. i am comfortable with my situation, my status. So so many things i don't find embarrassing, shameful or degrading. Its just natural behavior, i am sure looking at me and my antics people see me as degraded..and that's good..that means that my whole perception of what is appropriate behavior is skewed to fuck pig, thing, set of holes. But its also bad because the struggle, the change is what was interesting to write about.
Then there is also the huge mental drop after the RL meeting/weekend. Quite frankly i think that is still in play even after a couple of weeks. But that is a blog or two in and of itself. But thinking of what i miss by not having RL regularly also made me think of the things we can do because of the long distance. There are some things that might be too intrusive or invasive to realistically have in a day to day situation but that i find comforting from a distance. I have talked about this before but in case i didn't get specific: every night i check in via email and on those check ins i send pics of 2 outfits for M to chose from for the next day. Then by the time i wake up in the morning he has sent me his outfit choice plus the writing on my tits. Every morning that is the VERY first thing i see, before i am even out of bed i pull up that email. A couple of weeks ago i was having problems getting emails from Mastered in the morning, and then i had computer problems so i couldn't send pictures..what all that means is that on and off for several weeks i wasn't able to submit my outfits or get my morning email. And you know, that really affected me, i felt a little at loose ends with out the anchor of my day. Not to mention deciding what i was wearing on my own. I can see having someone review my outfits every day in person as being a little smothering and maybe a cause for resentment. But at a distance it is one of the daily rituals that helps me feel under control and connected.
i forget what conversation made me start thinking of it but i would be open to and, i think, embrace accountability on a different level. If i cast my mind back i think that was how i started with this journal, an accounting of my movements everyday. In that vein i have recently become semi-obsessed with the idea of a gps type deal. i know that there are apps (don't get me started on what type of ancient cell phone M has) that can be used as well as physical gps systems. i like the idea that at anytime M could see exactly where i am. Maybe he is looking maybe not-i would never know- i would just know that the info is ALWAYS available to him. I cant imagine anything that would make me feel so owned, so under scrutiny than waking up, still bleary, to the phone ringing and Mastereds voice barking "what were you doing at 123 Main street last night at 12, pig?". Not because he cares so much as to keep me on notice that he knows everything i do. I am not thinking so much permission for this or for that but just that feeling of no privacy, of accountability. M has displayed zero interest in this but it is a good example of the things that being at long distance allows. So there can be a trade off in this whole RL vs Online thing, i feel like i can actually be waaaaay more submissive, thrive and crave that invasiveness that would overwhelm me if i was also having to be physically available everyday.
So apparently i want to be on a short leash at a long distance.
Then there is also the huge mental drop after the RL meeting/weekend. Quite frankly i think that is still in play even after a couple of weeks. But that is a blog or two in and of itself. But thinking of what i miss by not having RL regularly also made me think of the things we can do because of the long distance. There are some things that might be too intrusive or invasive to realistically have in a day to day situation but that i find comforting from a distance. I have talked about this before but in case i didn't get specific: every night i check in via email and on those check ins i send pics of 2 outfits for M to chose from for the next day. Then by the time i wake up in the morning he has sent me his outfit choice plus the writing on my tits. Every morning that is the VERY first thing i see, before i am even out of bed i pull up that email. A couple of weeks ago i was having problems getting emails from Mastered in the morning, and then i had computer problems so i couldn't send pictures..what all that means is that on and off for several weeks i wasn't able to submit my outfits or get my morning email. And you know, that really affected me, i felt a little at loose ends with out the anchor of my day. Not to mention deciding what i was wearing on my own. I can see having someone review my outfits every day in person as being a little smothering and maybe a cause for resentment. But at a distance it is one of the daily rituals that helps me feel under control and connected.
i forget what conversation made me start thinking of it but i would be open to and, i think, embrace accountability on a different level. If i cast my mind back i think that was how i started with this journal, an accounting of my movements everyday. In that vein i have recently become semi-obsessed with the idea of a gps type deal. i know that there are apps (don't get me started on what type of ancient cell phone M has) that can be used as well as physical gps systems. i like the idea that at anytime M could see exactly where i am. Maybe he is looking maybe not-i would never know- i would just know that the info is ALWAYS available to him. I cant imagine anything that would make me feel so owned, so under scrutiny than waking up, still bleary, to the phone ringing and Mastereds voice barking "what were you doing at 123 Main street last night at 12, pig?". Not because he cares so much as to keep me on notice that he knows everything i do. I am not thinking so much permission for this or for that but just that feeling of no privacy, of accountability. M has displayed zero interest in this but it is a good example of the things that being at long distance allows. So there can be a trade off in this whole RL vs Online thing, i feel like i can actually be waaaaay more submissive, thrive and crave that invasiveness that would overwhelm me if i was also having to be physically available everyday.
So apparently i want to be on a short leash at a long distance.
Mastereds Visit Pictures
Night #1
Night #2
Day #3
(black and blue marks on my cunt from the previous nights beating)
Oct 11 2013
Just a quick post from work today because I am feeling especially horny. Mastered has me doing one hour on one hour off with the binder clips for the rest of the day. Love it, love that constant awareness. The writing if you cant read it is "dumb fuck".
October 8, 2013
Ahh the ebbs and flows. i always get secretly worried when the intensity level between Mastered and i gets below, say an, 8. Which i know is stupid, i know that we do every well intensity-wise particularly for our long distance situation and i know that it is impossible to maintain a 10 at all times what with pesky life getting in the way and just general moods. But when we go from a high to a calmer vibe i start to think: have we exhausted our interests, run out of places to go? Of course the answer is no-that's just life. i just woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be an up week and based on how it has started i was right.
Where to begin? Well, i post a lot of pictures both here and on SF and i know there are nameless, faceless masses that have seen me in a variety of compromising positions, nothing about my body is private-but when i think of those masses its more of an abstract concept. Yes i know they are out there possibly (hopefully) jerking off to me, objectifying me, they are the guys that don't read the blogs, don't care about the context they just want to see tits, cunt and ass. So i get it: i am nothing but a thing to them but i since they are nameless and faceless it is hard to take it personally. Then there are the regular people, members who comment regularly or who i joke with on their pages on SF, i know these people have seen the same pics and i know that i have nothing that is private from them either but by virtue of those comments or conversations it is hard to feel really truly like an object, i know they know "me". Then there are the guest Masters, they may have (i don't remember if this happened but i don't see why it wouldn't) gotten pictures that Mastered told me to send just to them so they also see my public pics plus maybe something extra. But with them there is also conversation, a interaction on some level that involves me as a person contributing to the dialogue.
But then there are some people that Mastered mentions occasionally that just talk to him about me -they don't comment on my pics or blogs they don't pm me - i generally have no idea what they and Mastered talk about, i might know a screen name or get a copy of an email but i am not invited to participate, it is not required or relevant or welcomed. When M mentions that he has had one of these convos or sends me an email copy i do feel well and truly like an object, a thing. These aren't people that think my personality is charming or that what i write is interesting, as near as i can tell i am just a thing that is a product of Ms training. This excites me. One of these people that speaks with Mastered lives kind of close by me and has spoken to Mastered about using me. Those 2 talk about it and i read the email exchanges to find out what will happen to me. Its offensive and fabulous. I am pretty sure this person doesn't read anything i write or visit this blog- i am just a body to him. Today Mastered offered that i would take pictures for him if he was interested. Apparently he was and asked Mastered for open cunt and ass pictures. So this feels different to me than taking my regular pictures, although there are about 100 pictures of my cunt and ass out there these are completely impersonal, sent to someone that does not acknowledge me. i feel like i have to submit them for approval or something. i feel like i am being shown like a horse: you pull up the gums and look at a horses teeth to check for suitability, check their hooves, in my case you open the holes to see if they are acceptable. Clearly it goes without saying although i feel weird and a little violated by this presumption it is making me crazy hot. This is the ideal, a true stranger, a complete lack of verbal participation by me and utterly reduced to a set of holes-no input from me required because..who cares? This feels right. i am a happy pig tonight, put right in my place.
Since the pics are specifically for someone i wont post them here, but honestly do you want to see yet another picture of my cunt or big pighole? lol. But here is something else to keep you entertained:
And lastly to file under the category of slutty behavior. i had some guys in to paint a couple of rooms in my house and all day sunday as they worked this is what i ran around in. it didn't even occur to me that it was inappropriate until i saw one of them out on sunday night and the hug he gave me was unusually, noticeably more friendly than normal. lol.
Where to begin? Well, i post a lot of pictures both here and on SF and i know there are nameless, faceless masses that have seen me in a variety of compromising positions, nothing about my body is private-but when i think of those masses its more of an abstract concept. Yes i know they are out there possibly (hopefully) jerking off to me, objectifying me, they are the guys that don't read the blogs, don't care about the context they just want to see tits, cunt and ass. So i get it: i am nothing but a thing to them but i since they are nameless and faceless it is hard to take it personally. Then there are the regular people, members who comment regularly or who i joke with on their pages on SF, i know these people have seen the same pics and i know that i have nothing that is private from them either but by virtue of those comments or conversations it is hard to feel really truly like an object, i know they know "me". Then there are the guest Masters, they may have (i don't remember if this happened but i don't see why it wouldn't) gotten pictures that Mastered told me to send just to them so they also see my public pics plus maybe something extra. But with them there is also conversation, a interaction on some level that involves me as a person contributing to the dialogue.
But then there are some people that Mastered mentions occasionally that just talk to him about me -they don't comment on my pics or blogs they don't pm me - i generally have no idea what they and Mastered talk about, i might know a screen name or get a copy of an email but i am not invited to participate, it is not required or relevant or welcomed. When M mentions that he has had one of these convos or sends me an email copy i do feel well and truly like an object, a thing. These aren't people that think my personality is charming or that what i write is interesting, as near as i can tell i am just a thing that is a product of Ms training. This excites me. One of these people that speaks with Mastered lives kind of close by me and has spoken to Mastered about using me. Those 2 talk about it and i read the email exchanges to find out what will happen to me. Its offensive and fabulous. I am pretty sure this person doesn't read anything i write or visit this blog- i am just a body to him. Today Mastered offered that i would take pictures for him if he was interested. Apparently he was and asked Mastered for open cunt and ass pictures. So this feels different to me than taking my regular pictures, although there are about 100 pictures of my cunt and ass out there these are completely impersonal, sent to someone that does not acknowledge me. i feel like i have to submit them for approval or something. i feel like i am being shown like a horse: you pull up the gums and look at a horses teeth to check for suitability, check their hooves, in my case you open the holes to see if they are acceptable. Clearly it goes without saying although i feel weird and a little violated by this presumption it is making me crazy hot. This is the ideal, a true stranger, a complete lack of verbal participation by me and utterly reduced to a set of holes-no input from me required because..who cares? This feels right. i am a happy pig tonight, put right in my place.
Since the pics are specifically for someone i wont post them here, but honestly do you want to see yet another picture of my cunt or big pighole? lol. But here is something else to keep you entertained:
And lastly to file under the category of slutty behavior. i had some guys in to paint a couple of rooms in my house and all day sunday as they worked this is what i ran around in. it didn't even occur to me that it was inappropriate until i saw one of them out on sunday night and the hug he gave me was unusually, noticeably more friendly than normal. lol.
October 6, 2013
HI everyone!! It has been a while. For some reason i am just not getting inspired to write. A couple of weeks ago i had a very intense week with Mastered and it was kind of private ( i think i mentioned it in a blog) so i didn't write about it and i think that kind of stumped me-its so odd to not write about everything, and i didn't really know where to go from there-it threw me off my stride blog-wise. But i miss it and i have had things to write about but i just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I also think my difficulty in writing is because of Mastereds upcoming trip to see me. i think i am more nervous than i want to admit. i am the kind of person that it is so important to me to power thru everything, man up and not cave to being nervous-never let 'em see you sweat, that I don't even acknowledge to myself when i am scared - it just comes out in different behaviors and then after a while i'm like: oh! i see now why i am acting like this. Mastered and i have been together before but to put it in perspective it was 2 months after we met. We were no where near where we are today. it was fabulous but it was only 1 day and it was mainly whipping and fucking not the level of mental intensity we are at now. What if i am not up to it, or if even going as hard and taking as much as i can i disappoint? What if i truly don't like some things, how do i deal with that? AND on top of all that the company i work for was just bought out last week. It seems as though everything will be fine but it was a stressful week. The change also effects how much i can speak with Mastered during the day since i have had to be super on the ball, but it leaves me missing him and not that inspired when i don't get my Mastered time. lol
But during this little break i have had 2 comments that i wanted to answer more thoroughly than normal. First i got this great comment:
"G`day slave J I want to tell you I have followed your life as you open up to "no more hiding" you have become the most beautiful person -- your body and personality is much more open now .
I would like to see some more pics of inside all your holes -- your mouth ,your cunt ,your arsehole and your piss hole if your owner approves
Your master is doing a very good job of training you to be very open for all of us .I hope you remain this open for the rest of your life You give me the feeling that I own a little part of you ."
I have mentioned before that i have this medical fetish thing, and every picture i see on SF with a speculum makes me jealous. i am not sure that is specifically what this commenter meant but the phrasing made me think of wide open holes. So my project this weekend is to buy speculums-vaginal and anal, we shall see where this leads. There is just something about holes held open, not stretched and filled but held open, there is an extreme vulnerability to it. It is also appealing in that it is not how the body is supposed to work-it is abnormal to be open like that. There are things called anal rings that you can wear the hold your asshole open-kind of like a hollow anal plug that i am looking at but they are expensive. But that fascinates me-how it would feel to just walk around like that. Too bad there isn't that handy dandy muscle ring in a cunt so that all of these things could happen to a cunt too!
The other comment that i wanted to answer was this:
"Glad to see you are back and thank you to share your slave training / update. Please could you ask Mastered if you can provide an update on your diaper day? You have well explained the feeling but more a documentation of the diaper day e.g. when you buy the pack of diaper, how your store them, at what time you wet them, at what time you change them and picture of you wearing the diapers."
Diaper day still occurs but i had stopped writing about it, kind of on purpose, just because i felt like i was writing about it all the time. i know it is not for everybody but when i think about it there are a couple of things that really make us human beings, grown up human beings. One is speech and that is why i like oink day-it take that humanness away. Yes Mastered may still address me and i still can answer but i am limited to 2 words, essentially. And of course those responses are animal noises. The other thing that is an essential part of awareness and ownership of our own bodies is control of our bodily functions. So diaper day is also a very powerful for me. To answer some of the specific questions in the comment. Buying the diapers is the WORST part- i don't get the fake baby diapers that you order on line i just get adult diapers at the drug store. So of course they are the last thing that i grab on a shopping trip. i get them at a drug store so i don't have a cart or anything i just carry them to the register and there is no way, no angle that you can hold them that doesn't show you are carrying a big bundle of diapers. i try to stand there as proudly as i can while i am in line- i hope people think i am buying them for my grandmother or something. In line is not so bad because i don't HAVE to look at or acknowledge anyone but at the counter of course the 18 year old kid behind the counter has to pick them up, ring them up and there is ALWAYS the glance directly at me after they realize what they are. So the public buying is a bit difficult. I have thought of ordering online the specialized ones but they are bulkier (on purpose) and would be more evident under my clothes. But since Mastered has incorporated the Daddy/ little girl(ugh) aspect of it i have thought more and more about getting them. At any rate on diaper days i only piss when Mastered tells me its okay, which he does about every hour and half, i can ask if i have an emergency but that is usually about an automatic 15 minute wait. i haven't ever had to wet myself without permission-Mastered doesn't set me up to fail. I change a couple times a during the day. It would be insanely expensive if i changed every time i pissed so most of the time my diaper is wet to a greater or lesser degree when i am at work. i don't actually mind too much as that is what reminds me of my predicament. The diapers are made now to be as unnoticeable to the wearer as possible now but by the time for a change my diaper is swollen and puffy. i have to remember to hide them deep in the trash when i change at work. i carry a princess bag (pics in a prior blog) that holds my diapers and wipes for the day and just carry it with me like i do my purse. People at work think i am making an ironic statement about Disney princesses by carrying it around. Mastered has mentioned that he may just put me in diapers 24/7 for a month or so, and just let me go whenever. i have doing some reading and you begin to get un-potty trained if that goes on for a while. Between the diapers, pissing outside and having to piss in my slop bucket here at home my body has already grown confused to a certain extent and i find that i have close calls more frequently. This brings me back to the original thought of this paragraph and that is that you lose a bit of your humanity when you are not in control of your bodily functions. i am conflicted but part of me likes the idea that Mastered would take that privilege from me, its a modification that can be managed in real life so its doable and i like the idea of truly behaving like a pig, an animal and living more instinctively and with less awareness of myself. Diapers are also good for punishment, i am adding a pic that i took for Mastered months ago but was too ashamed to share but i am going to push my self and put it out there. i don't remember what i did to deserve this, if anything, or if Mastered just felt like making me do it.
But during this little break i have had 2 comments that i wanted to answer more thoroughly than normal. First i got this great comment:
"G`day slave J I want to tell you I have followed your life as you open up to "no more hiding" you have become the most beautiful person -- your body and personality is much more open now .
I would like to see some more pics of inside all your holes -- your mouth ,your cunt ,your arsehole and your piss hole if your owner approves
Your master is doing a very good job of training you to be very open for all of us .I hope you remain this open for the rest of your life You give me the feeling that I own a little part of you ."
I have mentioned before that i have this medical fetish thing, and every picture i see on SF with a speculum makes me jealous. i am not sure that is specifically what this commenter meant but the phrasing made me think of wide open holes. So my project this weekend is to buy speculums-vaginal and anal, we shall see where this leads. There is just something about holes held open, not stretched and filled but held open, there is an extreme vulnerability to it. It is also appealing in that it is not how the body is supposed to work-it is abnormal to be open like that. There are things called anal rings that you can wear the hold your asshole open-kind of like a hollow anal plug that i am looking at but they are expensive. But that fascinates me-how it would feel to just walk around like that. Too bad there isn't that handy dandy muscle ring in a cunt so that all of these things could happen to a cunt too!
The other comment that i wanted to answer was this:
"Glad to see you are back and thank you to share your slave training / update. Please could you ask Mastered if you can provide an update on your diaper day? You have well explained the feeling but more a documentation of the diaper day e.g. when you buy the pack of diaper, how your store them, at what time you wet them, at what time you change them and picture of you wearing the diapers."
Diaper day still occurs but i had stopped writing about it, kind of on purpose, just because i felt like i was writing about it all the time. i know it is not for everybody but when i think about it there are a couple of things that really make us human beings, grown up human beings. One is speech and that is why i like oink day-it take that humanness away. Yes Mastered may still address me and i still can answer but i am limited to 2 words, essentially. And of course those responses are animal noises. The other thing that is an essential part of awareness and ownership of our own bodies is control of our bodily functions. So diaper day is also a very powerful for me. To answer some of the specific questions in the comment. Buying the diapers is the WORST part- i don't get the fake baby diapers that you order on line i just get adult diapers at the drug store. So of course they are the last thing that i grab on a shopping trip. i get them at a drug store so i don't have a cart or anything i just carry them to the register and there is no way, no angle that you can hold them that doesn't show you are carrying a big bundle of diapers. i try to stand there as proudly as i can while i am in line- i hope people think i am buying them for my grandmother or something. In line is not so bad because i don't HAVE to look at or acknowledge anyone but at the counter of course the 18 year old kid behind the counter has to pick them up, ring them up and there is ALWAYS the glance directly at me after they realize what they are. So the public buying is a bit difficult. I have thought of ordering online the specialized ones but they are bulkier (on purpose) and would be more evident under my clothes. But since Mastered has incorporated the Daddy/ little girl(ugh) aspect of it i have thought more and more about getting them. At any rate on diaper days i only piss when Mastered tells me its okay, which he does about every hour and half, i can ask if i have an emergency but that is usually about an automatic 15 minute wait. i haven't ever had to wet myself without permission-Mastered doesn't set me up to fail. I change a couple times a during the day. It would be insanely expensive if i changed every time i pissed so most of the time my diaper is wet to a greater or lesser degree when i am at work. i don't actually mind too much as that is what reminds me of my predicament. The diapers are made now to be as unnoticeable to the wearer as possible now but by the time for a change my diaper is swollen and puffy. i have to remember to hide them deep in the trash when i change at work. i carry a princess bag (pics in a prior blog) that holds my diapers and wipes for the day and just carry it with me like i do my purse. People at work think i am making an ironic statement about Disney princesses by carrying it around. Mastered has mentioned that he may just put me in diapers 24/7 for a month or so, and just let me go whenever. i have doing some reading and you begin to get un-potty trained if that goes on for a while. Between the diapers, pissing outside and having to piss in my slop bucket here at home my body has already grown confused to a certain extent and i find that i have close calls more frequently. This brings me back to the original thought of this paragraph and that is that you lose a bit of your humanity when you are not in control of your bodily functions. i am conflicted but part of me likes the idea that Mastered would take that privilege from me, its a modification that can be managed in real life so its doable and i like the idea of truly behaving like a pig, an animal and living more instinctively and with less awareness of myself. Diapers are also good for punishment, i am adding a pic that i took for Mastered months ago but was too ashamed to share but i am going to push my self and put it out there. i don't remember what i did to deserve this, if anything, or if Mastered just felt like making me do it.
i am also adding a pic taken since we incorporated the daddy/little girl aspect, Mastered wanted to see me with a full diaper and a stuffed animal since i am a little girl. i do not like either of these pics but i don't want to get in the habit of hiding things. (i find the heels with the stuffed animal a but schizophrenic but, you know Mastered-heels no matter what, lol)
And lastly, something else i have been a little embarrassed to show. Mastered likes to send me GIFs an pics periodically thru out the day and i never know what i will find when i open them. A lot of times it is girls licking assholes, but it could be anything. One oink day Mastered sent me this pic with the caption "for my dumb fucking pig".
i thought this was so cruel. i was a total gut punch when i opened it. But i saved it, in fact made it my screen saver at home so whenever i see it i remember that Mastered sees me as his dumb dirty pig, that is what i am.
Ahh i feel a little better, hope you enjoy. |
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