November 14 2014

Ummm did i just say in my last post there are not that many epiphanies?  Well i don't know if what i am going to write about qualifies as exactly that but it is something i am struggling with yet excited by.  If your here you have probably seen the new profile pic.  So now the face i present to the world is my pig face.

I have had a profile pic with a mask on before, it was a while ago, but it was just a regular bondage mask. i hated that pic, not so much because of the mask but because i hated how my body looked. The mask was a minor irritant just contributing to the gestalt of a big hulking monster vibe. But because i hated the whole picture so much i couldn't really even focus on how the mask made me feel. But now in the profile pic i am happy with every aspect EXCEPT the mask and now i can zero in on how that makes me feel.

The obvious statement is that it makes me less "ME". Without expression, with that blank pig look i am just an anonymous body devoid of personality.  i know that is what i am "supposed" to be anyway but we all know that isn't technically the case or you wouldn't be over here reading this-clearly i am a person, i have a distinct personality damn it!!!!! But i worry about the new people who join and see me-anyone here (reading this) has had time to get to know me, but for new people that will be their first impression of me and if they don't investigate the blogs etc i will be forever imprinted in their mind that way.  Think about it-the people you talk to on SF no matter what their current pic is if you close your eyes and have to think of them its probably the pic they had when you first met them that pops into your head. So right there the pic is successful in diminishing "ME" in a very real way- they will literally think of me as a pig forever. Then even for those who have been familiar with me for a while i wonder how many videos (2 posted in a row) and pics before "I" start to fade in their minds. Its kind of like how you are told that if you are attacked you are supposed to say your own name a lot, talk about yourself so that the attacker starts to see you as a person-this is the opposite, there is less and less of me for people to identify as a person.  As this goes on with that unchanging pig face i become less and less without people even realizing there is a shift in their thinking- a totally subconscious thing.

Then there is VANITY!! i know the pig thing is not everyones cup of tea and i, furthermore, know that the only cup of tea i should be concerned about is Mastereds but...but... i am human (for a while longer anyway) and i see that the rates are lower for the pig stuff.  Those that are on board love it but some who watch me, look at me, pleasure themselves to me will not be into it and that bothers me, i can not lie. Part of that is knowing that M is knowingly making me less attractive, maybe, just because he can. Tied to that is the certainty that there are those that will be mocking, not out loud i am sure, but still, maybe to a friend in pm " jesus did you see J? i would never do that! ugh who would even find that hot she just looks ridiculous?" (if that seemed convincing its because that's what i would probably think if i had seen something like this a year ago). i don't like to be made fun of, i mean who does? And there is already another task i have been assigned that will make me behave and be seen in an even more animal-like fashion (i wont ruin the surprise).

Now the flip side to this, as always, is that these exact same things are exciting to me and i am going to do my best to push thru this first hard part, to stay open to being more of a pig, less of an individual and whatever that brings. When i told Mastered some of what my worries were his response was "it's what I demand and want from you and it's what YOU are, the PIG, a naked fuck pig in front of everyone to look at and make fun of or talk about and you can't do a thing about it as you know it's your place"  and that was what i needed to hear-i bring myself back to that statement when i get freaked out about how i am viewed.  When i switched out the pic there was only a small part of me that was excited at all of these thoughts-the freaked out part was bigger.  Now i am really getting into it.  I am looking forward, for the most part, to the task that Mastered has set for me, looking forward to showing everyone that is how Mastered wants me to behave and that i am happy not only following his orders but actually happy to be behaving like that in any case, comfortable in my skin and in my mentality.  Well maybe im not THAT ok with it yet but i am getting there!!  Mastered knows what is deep in my mind, where i really want to be, WHAT i really want to be so i just make myself do what he says when i am feeling scared and lost and usually i get to a place where i am happier and more at peace than i thought possible. 

So in an effort to further embrace the pig in me, here are some of the pics that didn't get selected as the profile pic.

 

 

i do take some small comfort in the fact that my ass looks fabulous!!!