November 11 2013

So obviously i haven't been writing a lot lately. i think there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is not everything is an epiphany anymore.  There is not much that i struggle with anymore. i am comfortable with my situation, my status.  So so many things i don't find embarrassing, shameful or degrading. Its just natural behavior, i am sure looking at me and my antics people see me as degraded..and that's good..that means that my whole perception of what is appropriate behavior is skewed to fuck pig, thing, set of holes. But its also bad because the struggle, the change is what was interesting to write about.

Then there is also the huge mental drop after the RL meeting/weekend. Quite frankly i think that is still in play even after a couple of weeks. But that is a blog or two in and of itself. But thinking of what i miss by not having RL regularly also made me think of the things we can do because of the long distance.  There are some things that might be too intrusive or invasive to realistically have in a day to day situation but that i find comforting from a distance. I have talked about this before but in case i didn't get specific: every night i check in via email and on those check ins i send pics of 2 outfits for M to chose from for the next day. Then by the time i wake up in the morning he has sent me his outfit choice plus the writing on my tits. Every morning that is the VERY first thing i see, before i am even out of bed i pull up that email.  A couple of weeks ago i was having problems getting emails from Mastered in the morning, and then i had computer problems so i couldn't send pictures..what all that means is that on and off for several weeks i wasn't able to submit my outfits or get my morning email.  And you know, that really affected me, i felt a little at loose ends with out the anchor of my day. Not to mention deciding what i was wearing on my own. I can see having someone review my outfits every day in person as being a little smothering and maybe a cause for resentment.  But at a distance it is one of the daily rituals that helps me feel under control and connected.

i forget what conversation made me start thinking of it but i would be open to and, i think, embrace accountability on a different level. If i cast my mind back i think that was how i started with this journal, an accounting of my movements everyday. In that vein i have recently become semi-obsessed with the idea of a gps type deal. i know that there are apps (don't get me started on what type of ancient cell phone M has) that can be used as well as physical gps systems.  i like the idea that at anytime M could see exactly where i am.  Maybe he is looking maybe not-i would never know- i would just know that the info is ALWAYS available to him. I cant imagine anything that would make me feel so owned, so under scrutiny than waking up, still bleary, to the phone ringing and Mastereds voice barking "what were you doing at 123 Main street last night at 12, pig?".  Not because he cares so much as to keep me on notice that he knows everything i do. I am not thinking so much permission for this or for that but just that feeling of no privacy, of accountability. M has displayed zero interest in this but it is a good example of the things that being at long distance allows.  So there can be a trade off in this whole RL vs Online thing, i feel like i can actually be waaaaay more submissive, thrive and crave that invasiveness that would overwhelm me if i was also having to be physically available everyday.

So apparently i want to be on a short leash at a long distance.