December 23, 2014

I like to be precise when i speak, and i try to stay away from hyperbole. I am always suspicious of over the top declarations of love. But i understand it is difficult to articulate the intense feelings that a successful D/s relationship can provoke, i understand that these can be BIG feelings and the easiest way to communicate the strength of them is by saying love.  The way Mastereds and my relationship is structured (and how we both like it) you will never hear me say i love him.  To me love is based on personality, on who the person you "love" is. M and i don't get down like that-i don't know "who" he is, nor he me. I have some idea of his ethics, his character,  and some ideas about how he lives his life based on casual comments but i couldn't tell you what is important to him in life, or what he thinks politically.  But...............

When M is pushing me thru a limit or into a new thing that i never thought i would do and it blows my mind, i have these huge waves of emotion that are almost physical in their power, emotions that are so strong that my body FEELS  them.  And, i wont lie, i have been tempted to use the word love but that is lazy, it is just the word we all think of when we feel strongly towards another person.  When i really look at what i am truly feeling at those times it is gratitude, i am just so fucking thankful that he can make me feel so low, i am so fucking thankful for his skill, his competence. Love, i think, should be selfless, and my feeling is definitely selfish. i serve Mastered almost unquestioningly because of what he makes me feel, i am a hostage-i need him to  make me feel the way i want to feel.  i don't need to "know" him, i just need him to do what he does. grrrrrrrr this is such a hard thing to articulate.

Someone that used to write on SF occasional once wrote something that resonated with me, to paraphrase it was along the lines of "maybe part of the appeal of this lifestyle, when taken seriously, is that it allows us to feel stronger emotions than we would otherwise." It has been a long time since i was in love but it seems to me that it was more conflicted, less straight forward and consequently less intense than the devotion i feel now. There is really no conflict in how i feel now, it is a pure thing (ironically), based on a selfish need i have to belong to Mastered.  And just to bring it a little full circle: that single minded, unquestioning devotion may be possible because we only focus on this one area and don't muddy the waters with "knowing" each other.

I don't know why i went on this tangent but it was itching to get out of me. hope i made some kind of sense.

And apropos of nothing here is a video that M ordered me to make, maybe it will make up for the rambling. :)