Sept 11, 2013

Oh so much has happened in my head this week. i'm going to try to get it out of my head and down on paper so i can stop being hyper-stop the round and round going on in me. Though i would love dearly to feel this way every minute of the day i have to be able to concentrate on other things.

Anyhow as you may have seen from my previous post Monday was not a good day workwise. i was in a rage at work, that might be a BIT of an overstatement but not much.  Then Mastered said something, i don't even remember what now, that also made me angry, angry at him. Sometimes when i have things coming at me in the regular world, poking at me from several directions, getting an order or being chided for something by my Master makes me want to scream "JUST GET OFF ME".  But i swallowed it, i said "yes Sir", "no Sir" and i separated what was happening outside with what is important. Then suddenly i found myself desperate, in a frenzy wanting more of Mastered pushing me, provoking me, more immediate demands on my servitude. i wanted to be immersed, fall into degradation or pain that just simplifies things...maybe that is why the craving becames stronger as my agitation got stronger. i didn't want to escape into submission but i wanted things to be YES or NO. Maybe the connection is that when i am not getting my way in regular life i still have to fight, still have to try to make things happen so during those times there is no certainty. With my submission there is certainty and it is certain that i lose, that i submit, that not only do i not get what i want but what i want is not even a factor. It is not necessarily easier being submissive but at least it is done, its decided, it is clear where i stand. So saying all of that by the end of Monday i was pulled taut like a wire, but open and needy for anything Mastered said, anything he wanted, i myself was fantasizing ways i could show my complete capitulation. i fell asleep thinking, dreaming of pain, humiliation and sex in many extreme ways.

Tuesday i woke up still keyed up, still desperate. Mastered started going after me hard early in the day - in terms of what his goals are for me what he expects me to do, not in a bad way just very...determinedly. i responded by being inspired by his focused attention and still open from the previous day, i was anxious to push and expose myself further and i wound up mentioned something that had been an unofficial limit. Right away Mastered responded positively and you know that sent me into another level! Is there anything that will make you MORE devoted more eager than simple approval???? The rest of the day was spent with Mastered explaining, how i had descended further, come closer to being what i was born to be.  I never purposefully hide anything or lie to Mastered, there are somethings like this "limit" that hadn't come up organically or that i felt wasn't my place to suggest...but now that we have discussed it i see that maybe it was always lurking in the background and i was scared of it because now i feel utterly liberated.  Again i never purposefully hid anything but now i feel like Mastered knows every dark corner of my mind, knows how low i am. i was euphoric on Tuesday but that is also the really really hard part of being ling distance-there is no physical way for me to express my euphoria, the frustration is a physical sensation inside me. Its like my body is empty inside and there is this energy that just bounces around inside me looking for a way to escape. If i could perform an action or even touch Mastered the energy could get out but until i do that it just pinballs around inside of me keeping my body and mind under this luscious stress. But i did find myself crying as i drove later on Tuesday..Mastereds words reverberating in my head: "you are lower than everyone else" and i just wanted to throw myself at his feet, thank him, not just have him hear me say it but see my gratitude in action, gratitude for understanding and accepting everything about me. i think the crying was my body and brain trying to get the energy OUT of me, but it was no release.

Today i was still raw and open, it is the day of the week when i am Daddys little girl and there is no part of me that hates it anymore, i cant hate anything that Mastered wants me to do. i thought i couldn't be more "all in" than i was but somehow magically i am more "all in" today. The words from all week still echoing in my head, the frustrated energy is still rolling thru my body. One touch and i will explode. 33 days and i can explode, and i am not even just taking about orgasm, i am talking about every emotion, every thought expressed with my hands, my mouth, with my body. Feeling the pain, screaming into my gag. Feeling the humiliation offering up my tears. 33, 33, 33, i can do it, i can do it.

To top all of this off tomorrow is oink day so i will have even more pent up energy, just building inside of me. no words, not even that outlet. Every word i hear from Mastered will fill me with more buzzing energy.

And lastly - for your viewing pleasure. Mastered had mentioned that he like to see gigantor shoved in my ass, he used the word "undignified". i made him a quick video of me working with gigantor to get my ass fist ready and then another of me crawling in an undignified fashion. i think Mastered enjoyed them i hope you do too.