Sept 8 2013-2

So i am having some major and minor freakouts about Mastereds visit. Just to give the specifics i will meet him Thursday after work and we will be together until Sunday morning. First of all i am mainly freaking out just about being in the physical presence of someone, anyone for that long at a stretch. i just don't do that, remember-me: only child, not married, no kids. i have only ever shared a bathroom with my parents and that was when i was, like, 10. When i vacation i don't share rooms and i always make sure there are several hours during the day where i am alone. So, yeah, kind of freaking out. Its not about the privacy, i am pretty sure i already have my mind wrapped around the lack of it, its more about ..i don't know..awkwardness. Things like i don't get ready around anyone now and i have weird/stupid things (as do we all) that i have to do like when i get out of the shower i cant move too fast or i get hot then my hair gets frizzy or i can only sleep on my right side or i have to sleep with my feet out of the covers. lol, i know all you marrieds don't think those are big deals but to me it is totally utterly foreign to do all those things with someone around, more over someone who will be telling me what to do. Its the in-between times where normally i would get bored and go home (or kick someone out, lol) that make me uncomfortable.

i am also freaking out about the total immersion but in a more fun way. Of course i have done overnight "sessions" before but nothing this long or quite frankly at the level that Mastered an i have come to. i am anticipating very little "down time" when we wont be in our roles or reinforcing the training i have had so far. Today Mastered said that there would be NO back talking from me while we are together and i expected that-i also fully expect to fuck up. But in a weird way i am looking forward to being able to be instantly corrected. Its RELATIVELY easy for me to hold my tongue when he cant see my face or when i can pause and take a deep breath, i get that second to think before i respond to something-which really is almost like cheating.  i am looking forward to being instantly corrected so that i don't have to take that second to think, so that i get to a place where my "sub brain" takes over and just reacts properly. Other things that i think will present a significant challenge to me are public behaviors that Mastered will insist upon-GOD! if you guys only knew how take charge i am, even (especially) on dates, i actually become more assertive if you put me around a regular man-I (caps on purpose) talk to the hostess at a restaurant, I decide where we sit, I I I I. And then things like being able to say Daddy out loud without making a face. Its these small things that will be the toughest-not the big ticket items like pain or loss of privacy (she says now, lol). It probably goes without saying there is no possible way that i could do this every day forever but i think 2.5 days is doable and i hope to learn so much from it. i want to be different after, go to a place in my head i have never been. Yet i don't want to put to much expectation on the situation.  AAAAARRRRRGGGGG so many thoughts. But, you know, in all honesty i have so much trust in Mastereds  judgement, how he knows when to push and when to hold off, how realistic he is in his expectations, i know he wants me to succeed and i believe with my whole heart he will handle these days perfectly to get the results, the fun, the satisfaction we both want in our different ways. Really all this worrying and hand wringing is just mental masturbation on my part.


But i do want to know, will i get my private shower time?