May 2 2013

i have a couple of things to talk about tonight-its been kind of a weird week or two.

But first- to finish the trifecta of zip line torture. Last night was arms and i finally get some bruising out of these ordeals.  This all started last week with me wanting to do something different to my tits each night so that by the weekend they would be so sore that if the wind blew it would hurt but for a couple of reasons it evolved into this. i enjoyed this mainly because i could proudly send the videos off to Mastered knowing he would wake up to them and start his day off with proof of my devotion.  But i also (in addition to the pain but i have talked about that before) love that moment right before i pull the strings, when i have to JUST DO IT. That is one thing, even in regular life, that i am pretty good at -just facing the inevitable and DOING IT.  Pulling that string is actually a good metaphor for a lot of things, but i digress.  Here are the pictures and vid:

Also i haven't shown my slut label for a while and Mastered likes this one so here is todays outfit:

Now to the meat and potatoes.  i was assigned 2 new rules today, one i am not excited about but one has rocked my world and made me so happy. Of course i have Diaper Day on Wednesdays but now i have "Oink Day".  This is a day that can happen randomly, apparently i will just wake up to an email that will notify me it is "Oink Day".  When that happens i will only be able to respond to Mastered with one oink for no and two oinks for yes for that day.  What this says to me is that my opinions, my thoughts are so irrelevant, so pointless to Mastered that they can be replaced with oinks. Oh to truly be a dumb pig!!!!  i can not wait for this to happen, to have that feeling of frustration that i have something to say, something that i think has value but be reduced to a yes or no and worse only thru oinks. How much more forcefully can a person like me be reminded of their role than taking speech from me????  i hope i can embrace this, i hope it pushes me hard, i hope i have to hold back my tears because the realization of how little of what i say or think effects anything slaps me right across my face.  Because that is what this is saying-these fine well articulated thoughts sound the same coming from me as oinks. 

When Mastered calls me i am supposed to pick up the phone saying right away "Yes Sir?" or "Yes Master?",  i am visualizing my cell phone sitting on my desk and showing Master calling and having to grab it and race to a place that i can pick up just oinking or will i just try to quietly do it at my desk in public? My stomach is in knots already thinking of this.  i can not tell you how happy i am about this rule!!  The other question, of course, is will he try to provoke me, push my buttons with things he knows i will be consumed with wanting to expound on.  The thing about him is that, yes, he is harsh and there is no compromise with him-absolutely!  But within those parameters he is...reasonable is not exactly the right word but straight forward...there is no guessing, there is no hyperbole and there are no games. He is not one to give me an impossible task so he can punish, he doesn't rant and rave and posture, he is always realistic in expectations and in working with real life limitations. i am saying all of that because, honestly, i think he would think it is beneath him to mess with me or try to provoke me (i could be totally wrong-lol), i think this is just what i said: a new rule he expects me to follow, no more no less.  So we shall see, but i am looking forward to this new challenge, this step closer to being a dumb pig in word and deed. Who wants to bet this journal will be over flowing with all the words i don't get to say on those days?

i haven't talked about Diaper Day recently - i felt like it was well covered territory but a couple things have come up. Without going into a huge amount of detail i did not do some things i was supposed to last week - i think without realizing it i was either giving up, or trying to test some boundaries, i was definitely going thru some "changes" as they say. The upshot of this behavior was that Mastered removed himself from the situation - basically saying on wed morning don't do anything but catch up on the 3 things you haven't done, get your shit together and contact me on Friday if you manage to do that.  So that would be 2 days with out contact and no daily activities -such as diaper day.  At first i was just relieved but as time went by on wed i found i missed him, of course, but i specifically missed the....intimacy of DD.  i never really thought of it in those terms but it is a day that, in real time, he is in control of aspects of my body even more intimate than sex..it is hard to put it in words but my dependence on him shows in stark relief that day, my submission is without condition or question on that day. So long story short i was happy when this wed rolled around, i felt i was back at home.  And it was fabulous to be back.  i have started to get a little brazen about the diapers. i don't know if the brand i use changed something or what but they are a little noisy now and i like that, i like the reminder, the embarrassment of knowing what that noise is as i move (but still feeling pretty safe because, seriously, who hears crinkling and thinks "someone is wearing diapers").  i have somewhat of a changing routine - around 12 and then 2 and then before i leave work. For those that don't know as more piss gets in the diaper they get visibly puffier, and i like that too - feeling the bulk of the wet diaper, the idea that it could be seen if someone really looked.  But that was put to the test yesterday:  i was about to do the 12 oclock change so i was pretty puffed out and i was wearing a sweater dress that clings. When i got up to go to the bathroom i had, under the guise of smoothing my skirt, run my hand over my ass to see how puffed out and bulky my diaper was and the answer was very.  So i grabbed my purse and set off to the restroom, as soon as i started walking a man in the office started walking behind me. The thing about me is i have a great ass (lol) and i walk in a fashion that pretty much demands any man behind me look at it so i was about 90% sure that is where this man behind me was looking, i was freaking out!!!! i turned down another hall and FUCK he turned too!! This was the longest 1 minute walk of my life - in my bulky wet visible diaper being followed by a man i KNOW was looking at my ass. But that is what i think about right? this is the line i am walking on purpose by sending Mastered outfits selections on diaper day that are not necessarily discreet. i don't know what he saw or noticed, and again who would ever really think: hmmmm wonder if she is wearing a diaper?  But still.....it got all up inside my head. Not great that it happened at work instead walking of down the aisle in a store in front of a stranger or something where i could just really live in the moment but what can you do.  i do actually have a humiliation fantasy of being shopping with Mastered-standing in line and having him pat my ass and ask in a normal speaking voice if my diaper is wet-can you imagine the shame??????? oh fuck YES. i can feel the blush run up my face, i can feel trying to avoid every ones eyes. whoa that would be awesome - i think it would actually make me dizzy the combo of pure true shame, embarrassment and excitement.

So there you have it - i am glad i finally got to get some of this out and down on paper-i feel like i didn't do either of these subjects justice but i had a lot to cover-i hope i made sense!