March 5 2013

A friend asked me today what being a "pig" means to me and although this is a fairly short answer i spent a lot of time thinking about this today so i figured i would make it my journal entry.

 

There is some deep dark place in me that responds when i am called a pig.  Slut or cunt-those will give me a nice little jolt but they don't make me quiver or send me to that mindless euphoric place like pig does.  i think because that word, more than any, immediately indicates sinking to a depth of degradation that is not just about doing as told or kissing someones shoes.  i am, as i look deeper into myself, learning that maybe it is about limits and it is about how you want your "master" for lack of a better word to truly think of you.  There has been a lot of  talk recently on SF about how a slave is a thing of beauty, grace, value.  That is fine but i have even seen someone who goes by a screen name that included the word pig put up a blog asking for degrading responses be shamed by someone popping on to comment that she should respect herself more. Well, duh, that is kind of the point, or not the point as the case may be.  In the regular world (and i don't say real on purpose) i have plenty of great adjectives attached to me.  i come to Mastered to lose all of that.  Words that i want from him that come to mind are reduced, minimized, diminished, the word or title pig communicates that desire right off the bat.  Pig means not a bit of of respect, not a person even, few limits, to be truly and honestly viewed as a thing, an animal and treated similarly. i don't want pretty, i barely even want sexy, i want to be used without consideration.  i want it dirty, filthy and nasty.  i do not want it loving, respectful and tender-that is for another area of my life. i think part of the reason i can so fully embrace being Mastereds pig and am okay with him only knowing me as that and treating me accordingly is because i do feel so good about myself - that frees me up to embrace and experiment with this treatment without any inner conflict (thank freaking god-something i am not conflicted about!!). i need someone who wont half ass it. i don't think i could go the places i realize i want to go with someone that i had a "relationship" with because nobody who truly knew me or cared** about me could treat me the way i want or give me what i want. BUT SEE??? that is how good i feel about myself - it is literally inconceivable to me that anyone who knows me could behave towards me without respect-lol.  For me its about exploring all the dark things inside, it is not about reaching a happy medium that can function in reality, integrating both sides.  i think i am too extreme at both ends of the spectrum to do that- meaning outside of BDSM it is not acceptable to me to NOT be in control but within this structure i want to have nothing left of me, be obliterated by Master. 

 

So enough of the serious stuff i also have a funny story to share: last night i was to call Master and slap my ass 25 times while oinking for him. (when i do that i slap both ass cheeks at the same time). So there i am all ready to go, raise my arms really excited to give myself a thorough ass slapping and i do my first one and let out a yelping oink (if there is such a thing). What i didn't realize is that when i had gone tanning (for the first time in about a month)i had gotten the worst sunburn i have had in quite a while. OOOOOOOHHHHH that smarted- my yelping oinks were ALL out of proportion to my slaps but damn it hurt!!

 

And finally as promised a pic of me getting ready for bed with my dirty panties over my face and my label for the day (total coincidence that Mastered gave me that label this morning). Since today was the first day they are not so bad.  BUT tmro is diaper day and Mastered has ordered that i wear them as well so i will be pissing in them too. Not looking forward to tmro night (we all know i kind of am, right?-lol).  And just to close this journal out by circling right back around to my original topic: when i complained about it Mastered just said "pigs wallow in their own filth"...... umm did i say i didn't want some one to half ass it? careful what you wish for, for you shall surely get it.

 

 

** i know that Mastered cares about my well being and safety.