March 25 2013

For anybody who is waiting for the normal task pictures and blog today, i did not do a task this weekend-got into a little fender bender. Nothing serious but my face got a little scratched up and i hurt my knee so i was kind of out of it yesterday (when i would have been doing my task). Today i seem to be pretty much back to normal except my knee still hurts and i think i am a little more fuzzy than i realize from the pain pills i took yesterday. Actually ended up slipping in the snow and falling down my deck stairs this morning (into the pig pen) and i have been misspelling like crazy (so bear with me if this post sounds odd) and i think that is all just lingering drugs.

 i had to wear heels today even with an injured knee but that is not because of Mastered it is because i seriously don't have any flats!!

 

i like this label!!

But even so today was exciting to me for a couple of reasons. The word of the day is dehumanization!

Over the weekend someone who has been around for a while and is well established at SF (read not some random dude) emailed Mastered, i guess, with suggestions about my use and abuse. Mastered only gave me a vague idea of what was discussed so i don't really know. Then while we were chatting today someone else known to him (read not some random dude) did something very similar. Again i don't really know what was discussed. But this is what i like: that there may be these conversations going on about ways to use, degrade and humiliate me and i don't even know it. i like that i am being treated as (this is how i likened it to Master) a do it yourself project that people offer opinions on as casually as if i am a piece of furniture being refinished, an object of some sort.  "Hey working on your deck? maybe you could put stairs there" = "Hey your training your pig? maybe you could put this in one of her holes".   lol-i am laughing but the only thing better than imagining being discussed in this cavalier fashion would be to actually be kneeling next to Master while i hear it.   Of course this is entirely self involved of me, that is part of the appeal of submission-it may be all about the Master BUT all the attention is on the slave - we just have to pay for that attention by taking it however we get it even (or especially) if it means people stop thinking of you as a person and you become a literal toy.  It really highlights how differently from a regular woman i am regarded  now,  intimate acts and anatomy reduced to something that people wont even have a second thought about easily and nonchalantly chatting about AND how absolutely accepting i am of it.  i mean think of it-on a regular basis i thank people for mentioning that they like the way my cunt was displayed or i acknowledge a comment regarding how large an object i can fit in my asshole.  i don't think that i can describe how that makes me feel-i don't have to remind myself i did this to myself  too much anymore-i gave up the right to think "how dare they" at any point and i am pretty used to hearing from and responding to anyone now. But still i like these reminders, that come out of the blue, of how i am truly perceived now.

The second thing that was very exciting to me today requires a little bit of call back of things i believe i have mentioned before. One time that i got very mouthy with Mastered was when he implied (in my opinion) that i didn't understand something.  i will happily be called many things (obviously) but stupid is NOT one of them. BUTTTTTTTTTTT....today when i was telling Mastered how i liked what i was explaining above  he just said i was  "... like a dumb pig waiting to fuck".  Oh that was like a lightning bolt - i loved it!! i just got this immediate image of being on all fours, ass raised waiting and wanting to be fucked, not able to think of anything else, not needed for anything else, not paid attention to for any other reason.  Now clearly i am not dumb but in person with Master i would love to get into that head space where i just really know my purpose and it is not to contribute to the conversation, or have an opinion, it is to be used in what ever fashion Mastered finds entertaining. The interesting question to me is what is different now that being called dumb makes me happy whereas the mere implication previously set me off (in a bad way). i think that it shows i am much more comfortable in my skin as Mastereds slut slave pig cunt, i feel like i understand and own what that means now.  It means in this arena, even though i get my journal and i get to intellectualize to my hearts content, that what is important about me has nothing to do with all of that. i think that, wisely, Mastered gives me this journal so that my head doesn't explode but when he thinks of me it is not me wittily pontificating about something it is, rather, on all fours crawling and ready and begging to be used. i have mentioned my mantras before and one of them includes me saying i am a pig, i asked master today if we can change that and i say dumb pig instead...now Mastered does not express excitement a lot but i got an "Absolutely!!!!" for that so i think it made him happy that i feel so differently now..i wonder what he makes of that..oh well i will never know, lol.

that's it for today-i hope it all makes sense!