February 20 2013

I have been slacking on my journaling but i do have my reasons i promise! Some of it is just real life and my 2 week long birthday celebration which concludes with a party this weekend and included going to see Flashdance the Musical.  Although this has nothing to do with my slavery i must post the outfit i wore because any true Flashdance fans out there will appreciate it (i did substitute leather pants for the leather skirt worn in the movie)

And all of you "slaves shouldn't wear pants" people out there just hush up- my leather pants are HAWT!!

But on a serious note i was also doing some internal questioning and it is hard for me to write about anything but what i am thinking about, hence no journal. But i have come out the other side.  i am going to try to lay out some of what i was thinking.  First i will digress a little and refer to an interesting blog posted by Aurum about her rights/duties on SF.  i like that it is very clear and organized and clearly took time and thought for them as a unit to put together. As has been stated recently and repeatedly on SF lately we are all in different relationships and situations so what works for one does not work for another. They are working on a living 24/7 situation that includes a true relationship from what i gather. This is, of course, not the case with Mastered and i but it did make me think of articulating what my rights are. And although i do not have approval from Mastered to write this i feel confident he will concur- i have one right and one right only -that is to leave if i want.  Beyond that there is nothing i have a say about and let me tell you he is not a chatty, touchy feely, lets make sure we are both feeling good kind of Master. i do what he says or i can leave.  The true irony of this is that in my "relationships" i am exactly the same way, although slightly more diplomatic about it: do it my way or you are free to leave, no hard feelings. Being on the receiving end of that is not easy. But i respect it and understand it and in general is how i need things to be.

However it is not easy when i have questions. Why? Why? Why? My brain is screaming at Mastered: i could get with this if you would just tell me why you want it!!!! Let me understand what you think this will accomplish!! i hear the collective gasp...calm down i said that was INSIDE my head. He wanted me to do something and made a comment that i felt showed that for the first time we were not on the same page..the act and the comment are not really the issue, of course, it was that i felt misunderstood and felt very strongly we needed to have a dialogue. When i broached the subject, as expected, but disappointingly he just told me to do what he said. i did but was in a really bad place. After several days of frosty and perfunctory interaction we did have a brief chat. His bottom line did not change, he didn't tell me why he does what he does and reiterated that my choice was to obey or leave.  The difference was i did get to say what was on my mind....maybe all i was looking for was to get it out of my brain and into the air, exorcise it as it were.

The thing that triggered me was very minor, really just an irritant. i knew on a certain level that it was not at all worth losing what i am getting from Mastered BUT by the same token i did not understand why HE didn't see it that way and just not make me do it..is that laughter i hear?...i know, i know but old habits die hard. At any rate once i got my thoughts out of my head everything fell right back into place. That was yesterday and i was off so we spent a couple of hours working on my training and instead of a pig i felt like a cat, purring and basking in his attention.  And there is the true admission buried at the end of the story...i think i wanted his attention. Between my work and his life our contact had been a touch sporadic and not understanding why was getting to me. That wasn't my whole issue but i do think that was a large subtext of it. That is the difficulty of on-line..but whatcha gonna do? i just have to deal with it. 

SO! back to normal, part of my training yesterday before i went out to a wholesome family dinner with my parents was spending 10 minutes begging Mastered to please let anybody piss on me, please let anyone piss in my mouth. So when i showed him what i was wearing he added a little secret label for him and i to know about while i went to dinner: