1. i have to talk about me personally and
a) that is not what people come here to read
b) that feels self indulgent
2 .i over think it
a) then i realize i am over thinking and wind up just writing whatever.
b) the concept of denial for me involves many diametrically opposing ideas (for instance the basic premise that denying me sexual pleasure brings me mental sexual gratification)
So here is todays version
There have been questions lately when i talk about what pleasure i am allowed or not. Just to give a little back round, i have orgasms from a cock in my cunt as well as a cock in my ass. I love anal, not to the exclusion of having a cock in my cunt but to the same extent i guess..or maybe a little more. Fairly soon after Mastered and i got together he started with the anal training and i was wearing my plug all the time-i took to it pretty easily since i was already using a relatively large dildo in my ass when i got off by myself. But then he started talking about stretching my cunt and i was hesitant. of course i didn't refuse but that was a body change that i was worried about. Somehow it evolved that my cunt would be kept nice and tight but only for Masters use and my ass would be for whomever else he chooses. i believe the concept is that i only get to enjoy being used when Master is using my cunt, my orgasms are only for him. So the ass stretching, sure is to get my asshole nice and open so it can be obscenely used but it also so that i am not as sensitive and respond less when my ass is being used. So it is not really that i am never to experience pleasure but that i only experience it with Mastered and at his command.
I don't know if it means anything to Mastered that i love anal and because of the way we are training my body i wont be able to enjoy it as i used to. i don't know if that gives him an extra kick or if this would be happening no matter how much i enjoyed it. But as for me on a certain level i LIKE that something that was a favorite of mine won't be as enjoyable to me as it used to be. By the same token i like denial of orgasms period! First of all on the physical level i enjoy the ache, the pulsing, the constant yearning that continual arousal with out release causes, when you cum that feeling goes away. But the more powerful motivations are psychological.
i live a fairly self involved life, i have made choices that allow me to live like that guilt free. If i want to do something i do it, if i want to say something i say it, if i want to get something i do what i feel i need to to get it. AND i make no apologies for that-i like myself and i don't walk around unhappy and wishing my life was different. i am a very actualized, centered person because i know myself and because i do not compromise on how i choose to live my life AND i am okay with what that costs me.
I was raised with limits, not super strict but i wasn't spoiled, but i was told from a young age that i was awesome. Because of how i was raised and some of my unusual childhood experiences i have become an alpha type person regardless of the sex of the person i am dealing with. Consequently i generally get what i want, there are not a lot of people who say no to me and i have structured my life in such a way that most of what i want i can get independently of other people anyway. i get away with quite a bit because i know that most people wont speak up if something bothers them or they don't want to do something. If you stand up to me i will honor what you say immediately BUT it is shocking how few people will do that.
So that is all one side of me but then we come to the slave side of me. i have talked before about how much i love the structure that Master brings to my life, i also love the limits AND i love the denial. All 3 of those things are things i don't get a lot of in life because of my personality. ( i know i sound like a arrogant bitch and the truth is i kind of am but i am really trying hard to be fully honest about my motivation and desires regardless of how it makes me look). i have a ton of people that will say yes but only Mastered says no. AND i don't want some half assed partial No either, i want someone who says it and means it absolutely. So when Mastered says we are going to work out my ass until i am so loose there is not really a chance that the sensations will be strong enough for me to really get off-that is the ultimate NO. Particularly since that is one of my favorite things. I also know myself well enough to acknowledge that given an opportunity i will take pleasure in my body and i will focus on myself so this removes that temptation. That may make me a "bad slave" but i submit that by understanding that is a problem and embracing this training regime is a way i can show that i am disciplined-i am acknowledging that i have this weakness but i am throwing myself whole heartedly into working on a solution instead of trying the impossible and dooming myself to failure by simply saying "as slave i should only take pleasure in pleasing Master" and expecting it to magically be true. I am getting there but i am still a long way from really internalizing that entirely.
i have maintained from the start that, slave tho i may be, i still have thoughts and feelings and opinions about what Mastered is making me into. The trick is, not to mindlessly obey- i don't think that is realistically possible, it is to figure out how to manipulate and control and channel and quite frankly work around those feeling, thoughts and opinions. Every time i write about things like this i am just so grateful that Mastered found me and knows exactly how to work me and that the directions he takes me always, every single step so far, resonates with me. it is hard sometimes when you do this with an audience, if everything is making perfect sense to me and then people don't understand it throws me a tiny bit but then i do just focus on that fact - that i am insanely happy with every direction Mastered takes me-we are on the same page and that is, audience or not, what matters.
Still not really happy with this but i am going to post this because the whole topic is stressing me out.
Thank you A, dont know why i struggled so much with this one.
ReplyDeleteAs a highly experienced Gorean Master, I appreciate the integrity and honesty of your post. My initial feelings about you have been confirmed. You really deserve a much better Master than the one you have. There are elements within you that indicate your ability to rise to the level of kajira, the highest of the pleasure slaves. As such, the concepts of humiliation and degradation, which your current "master" seems to delight in (I use quotation marks because among those of us who truly understand what it means to be a Master, he is not one), would no longer be appropriate for you. You would be trained to serve and service, but without the cruelty and the demeaning aspects of your current station. There is a depth to you that few understand and a potential for greater development than what you are being given. You are not being treated as you should be.
ReplyDeleteit goes against my nature to be rude to someone who has taken the time to read and follow my journal HOWEVER you say you are a gorean master as if that is a credential of some sort, in my mind that simply means you are basing your lifestyle on a work of fiction - which is fine if that is what you are into but i have no desire to become a kajira because that is a made up word used in a made up universe-in our own ways we all walk a fine line between fantasy and reality so i dont quibble with you there but that is most decidedly not my thing!!! and please make no mistake i am no delicate flower under Mastereds machiavellian sway being used and abused for his pleasure only...well i guess except for that delicate flower part i kind of am but THAT IS WHAT I WANT. if you have been reading then you will know i have said on several occasions that Mastered is perfect for me, you may also have seen me write that humiliation is kind of my thing.
ReplyDeleteI am happy, usually, to answer questions people have and i dont mind if someone states that they are not into what Mastered and i are but i will not tolerate anyone coming to my journal and criticizing my Master in the fashion you have. it was rude and disrespectful to not only Mastered but to me as well in that you are assuming i do not know what i want.
Well, this topic is certain interesting, complex, erotic, and somewhat contradicting. Trying to take items one at a time:
ReplyDelete1. Contradicting - you want to have orgasms, but want to also be denied them. you want sex and being filled, used, and be satisfying to sex partner but not be allowed or have orgasm....but admit that being used for sex gives you some form of sexual satisfaction. Hey, maybe this should be the complex discussion?
2. Erotic - talking about having your cunt and/or ass hole used for fucking is always erotic. Talking about cumming or not being allowed to cum is erotic. Talking about being used by others is erotic. you are erotic!
3. Complex - you admit to wanting your way, being raised to get your way, being used to getting what you want. But you like to be told NO without any negotiation or wiggle room. you are used to being Alpha person but want to be an excellent slave. you like being in charge of your life but like being totally controlled....and denied things that you like (such as wearing cute pants or who will be allowed to fuck your mouth). To quote you "But as for me on a certain level i LIKE that something that was a favorite of mine won't be as enjoyable to me as it used to be. By the same token i like denial of orgasms period!" It sounds like the perfect attitude of a slave, willing to give up control of your pleasure, your wants, your choices. you want to "figure out how to manipulate and control and channel" but not to be allowed to "get away" with anything. you are a conundrum.
4. Interesting - you are intelligent and articulate, expressing your thoughts and desires clearly (well usually) and dealing with the variety of feelings conflicting between what you think and want your Mastered wants.
Summary: I certainly believe that orgasm denial is important tool for a Dom. I think the orgasm should be "possible" so don't really agree with stretching so that orgasm isn't as possible, because then it isn't really being denied....but I'm not your Owner. I also think orgasm should be used as a reward for a good slave, good performance, for excellent show of submission via pain or degradation, or just because I'm in a good mood. But I do believe that your orgasm should not be your concern, only the pleasure and satisfaction of whoever is fucking or playing with you. Reserving your orgasm for your Owner is a most natural and reasonable thing. Yes, this is a most difficult topic to adequately address, and I'm sure there are a variety of approaches and opinions.
is definitely complex and contradicting. i think that was another reason it was hard to write about. i have 2 exact opposite thoughts in my head at the same time - and both are valid to me...every direction it turn on this subject i am confronted by the contradictions. trying to put it all down in a logical fashion makes my head hurt.
Deletethe long and the short of it is that denial in all of its forms works powerfully on me. And, as they do in most things, Mastereds and my ideas about that are in sync.
thank you for taking the time to post such thoughtful and thorough responses on my journals Sir!!!