A couple of days ago i alluded to the fact that i have been "discovered" by a person i know. i think a little back round is in order to put this in perspective. First: i am pretty open with everyone i know that i am doing this (everyone meaning my friends, not family). It is not exactly a shock to them since they have always had a general idea of what i am into. It is also pretty common knowledge that i don't really bother with men because i just couldn't find what i was looking for, i am not a relationship kind of girl and i was sick of being disappointed in random sex. So now i would say my friends are actually happy for me that i finally found an outlet for this side of me. BUT i don't advertise the name of the site i am on or the name of my blog. i talk about some things that go on and about my blog but i think actually seeing and reading about some of this stuff would make them uncomfortable-not tragically so and if they did happen upon my stuff it wouldn't be a huge deal. Part of the reason it wouldn't be a big deal is because they wouldn't necessarily understand the significance of some of the things i do and because they wouldn't take it seriously. Outsiders may think that these are just individual acts that turn me on and the rest of what i write is hyperbole, they don't get that it really is a commitment of sorts and that the evolution i talk about is actually possible-that is freeing to a certain degree because i would be able to laugh it off and minimize it if any of my friends found the actual site. Does that make sense?
So that covers how i deal with this with most of my people. But there is one person that it is a little different with lets call him Alex (always loved that name). Alex and i go waaay back, like 20 years way back. We started as friends when we worked together and were too stupid to realize we should have tried being together. Over the years we discovered our mistake but by that time we were living in different states and now different countries. One of the reasons i always kept him in the back of my mind as an option of someone i could "be" with even though i am not really interested in relationships in general is because i have known that he is into the same things i am into. We have never really explored those things because our time together has been stolen moments, time too short to really get into it-and our focus more on the emotions rather than the sex. The things that he loves about me are my strength, my intelligence, that i am a an aggressive and assertive woman, all of the things that are entirely counter to my slave brain. That being said, about a year or 2 ago we started emailing each other stories of escalating perversion. We wrote about things that i think we hadn't shared with anyone -it all boiled down to if we were together we would live the "lifestyle" (ugh i hate that phrase). BUT that was all fantasy emails and because we probably will never be together it was all just fun-i didn't have to worry about how ACTUALLY doing the things we talked about would change his opinion of me. If we did anything in real life i would worry about that because i love that he loves me for my personality. It would be a hard pill to swallow to think that he might go from seeing me as Myself to seeing me as a pigslut. One last detail about our history that is relevant is that the email stories we sent back and forth got me so worked up i discovered i wanted more, i wanted someone like Mastered who would be involved in my day to day life, something that would REALLY effect how i behave.
Jump to me getting involved with Mastered-as everyone has seen pretty much from the start it was clear that we were a great match so i got fully invested very quickly. i did share with "Alex" what i was doing and he teased me about it (the whole online stigma thing) so i pretty much stopped talking to him about it. But i was torn- i kind of wanted him to see what i was doing because i was so proud of what i was becoming but i kind of did not want him to see because unlike my friends (as i mentioned earlier) he would understand what all these things are and that this is a real thing i am doing. So with those conflicting thoughts in my head i apparently dropped enough info to him that he was able to find my blog. A couple of days ago i was telling him that on my blog i was about to cross 10000 hits and his only reply to that email was "i know because i am one of the 10000". That was it, just one line in an email and my stomach just dropped BUT the main thing i felt just immediately was happy-here is someone that gets this and is going to know what all this means. i know people that follow my adventures see this side of me but that is less powerful because they don't know the other side they don't know how much it costs me to be Mastereds pig. Now someone who knows all of me is seeing me change. Because he knows my other personality it is meaningful that he is seeing the pig emerge and that, furthermore, he will like it. So the question is what will it do to how he thinks of me? This is scary but also exhilarating..do i believe enough in pursuing this "lifestyle" that i am okay with that change in his perspective? Well it really doesn't matter if i am okay with it now, what will happen will happen, that choice to hide is taken out of my hands-which, i submit, is really what i wanted to happen anyway based on the fact that i did drop enough info that he could find me in my slave guise.
i am a firm believer in don't ask questions you don't want the answer to so i sort of danced around the question of what he thought when i emailed him, simply saying: " i wonder what seeing all of that does in terms of how you really think of me now. all answers are good and i don't really expect you to answer, just kind of thinking out loud." To which his only response was "Yea, I am not sure if it is best to answer in email as the answer is quite complicated, as you can probably surmise. Of course it is a visceral turn on, so you can rest assured there."
So there it is, what i am, what i want to be, what i will do for Mastereds approval is out there for real to someone who understands and i still don't know what he thinks of it but i am okay with it now. i actually feel like it is going to make me work harder to make Mastered proud because there is an audience that i know now. Now that i am writing this and really having to think about my thoughts this incident seems to have reinforced in my mind that i am okay with who i am becoming, wow, that just kind of hit me, i know it doesn't sound like a startling revelation, its more of just a quiet acceptance of sorts. I am glad this happened, i am happy about what i am doing and ready to face the consequences.
Very interesting development, on so many levels. I need to consider a proper response.
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Just a quick thought...trying to catch up on commenting on these. As a slave, you might be expected to display yourself in many different ways and venues, including showing your "privates" in public or posting on the internet. Any expectation for dignity as you spread your cunt, show your ass hole being filled, drinking piss, or lifting water bottles with your bare tits should be gone from your mind....you are a slave, often naked, often called on to do degrading things, and to display yourself fully to any and all lookers. So "Alex" is now included, but how many others that you know have also realized that you are a slave, a cunt, and a cock whore? That is the life you have chosen. And if Mastered allows you to service additional cocks with your mouth-cunt and ass in the future, you will have more opportunities to be "found out" and even to have a cock inside of you of someone that knows you.
ReplyDeleteI find this to be a slippery slope, now i actually have a hard time controlling my myself in terms of telling people. As i talked about in a recent blog i have also told another old hook up and the info came out of me so easily and so proudly..i think that the only thing that really keeps me from handing out cards to random strangers or something (that's a joke) is the diaper days-i am still very embarrassed about that.
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