November 24 2013

Spare the rod, spoil the child. While i certainly don't subscribe to this theory in child rearing-it is the only effective way to treat me. I don't mean a literal rod (well when possible) but verbal and mental rods work just as well. Of course i don't think this is a big secret, i am very open about how i need to be treated and the few quotes by Mastered i put in here show that he is not exactly "sweet" but that works perfectly for us. But that does make the moments of kindness stand out even more, when kindness is withheld you become doubly, triply grateful for it.

I have been sick for about a week and a half and i was trying not to bitch about it to M, i mentioned it but i didn't ask for special treatment (you will have to check with him to see if i was actually more whiny than i think, lol). I was maybe not as enthusiastic as normal but we had just come thru a week or two where, i feel, we were just "off" a little so i didn't want to ask for special treatment or indicate in anyway that i wasn't fully engaged. But after a couple of days M just told me just to stop, don't do the things he assigned me, don't worry about being available and just take care of myself. And he said it nice, not bitchy. And you know what? That piggy pissing outside pic that i had been dreading, that i had been thinking "how the hell am i going to get up in the middle of the night when i feel like this, when it will be 30 freaking degrees?", i took that pic the night he told me to just stop. Because just that tiny little bit of consideration made me want to work 20 times harder for him. So yes, the rod is critical to keeping me where i need and want to be but those brief moments of kindness work in combination to always keep me grateful for him...that day i was grateful that he was a real Master and didn't get pissy because i was sick, today i am grateful that he is a bastard that relishes the idea that my pics are being stolen and spread across the internet showing others what a pig i am.

Apparently he randomly found this old one on some other site and i say he was downright gleeful when he told me.

 

 

**just as clarification i am not surprised that my pics get lifted it is just always a gut punch to see it. the only time i get upset, like angry upset as opposed to embarrassed upset (which is the good kind)that my degradation is shown other places, is when someone pretends my pics are their own.

November 14 2014

Ummm did i just say in my last post there are not that many epiphanies?  Well i don't know if what i am going to write about qualifies as exactly that but it is something i am struggling with yet excited by.  If your here you have probably seen the new profile pic.  So now the face i present to the world is my pig face.

I have had a profile pic with a mask on before, it was a while ago, but it was just a regular bondage mask. i hated that pic, not so much because of the mask but because i hated how my body looked. The mask was a minor irritant just contributing to the gestalt of a big hulking monster vibe. But because i hated the whole picture so much i couldn't really even focus on how the mask made me feel. But now in the profile pic i am happy with every aspect EXCEPT the mask and now i can zero in on how that makes me feel.

The obvious statement is that it makes me less "ME". Without expression, with that blank pig look i am just an anonymous body devoid of personality.  i know that is what i am "supposed" to be anyway but we all know that isn't technically the case or you wouldn't be over here reading this-clearly i am a person, i have a distinct personality damn it!!!!! But i worry about the new people who join and see me-anyone here (reading this) has had time to get to know me, but for new people that will be their first impression of me and if they don't investigate the blogs etc i will be forever imprinted in their mind that way.  Think about it-the people you talk to on SF no matter what their current pic is if you close your eyes and have to think of them its probably the pic they had when you first met them that pops into your head. So right there the pic is successful in diminishing "ME" in a very real way- they will literally think of me as a pig forever. Then even for those who have been familiar with me for a while i wonder how many videos (2 posted in a row) and pics before "I" start to fade in their minds. Its kind of like how you are told that if you are attacked you are supposed to say your own name a lot, talk about yourself so that the attacker starts to see you as a person-this is the opposite, there is less and less of me for people to identify as a person.  As this goes on with that unchanging pig face i become less and less without people even realizing there is a shift in their thinking- a totally subconscious thing.

Then there is VANITY!! i know the pig thing is not everyones cup of tea and i, furthermore, know that the only cup of tea i should be concerned about is Mastereds but...but... i am human (for a while longer anyway) and i see that the rates are lower for the pig stuff.  Those that are on board love it but some who watch me, look at me, pleasure themselves to me will not be into it and that bothers me, i can not lie. Part of that is knowing that M is knowingly making me less attractive, maybe, just because he can. Tied to that is the certainty that there are those that will be mocking, not out loud i am sure, but still, maybe to a friend in pm " jesus did you see J? i would never do that! ugh who would even find that hot she just looks ridiculous?" (if that seemed convincing its because that's what i would probably think if i had seen something like this a year ago). i don't like to be made fun of, i mean who does? And there is already another task i have been assigned that will make me behave and be seen in an even more animal-like fashion (i wont ruin the surprise).

Now the flip side to this, as always, is that these exact same things are exciting to me and i am going to do my best to push thru this first hard part, to stay open to being more of a pig, less of an individual and whatever that brings. When i told Mastered some of what my worries were his response was "it's what I demand and want from you and it's what YOU are, the PIG, a naked fuck pig in front of everyone to look at and make fun of or talk about and you can't do a thing about it as you know it's your place"  and that was what i needed to hear-i bring myself back to that statement when i get freaked out about how i am viewed.  When i switched out the pic there was only a small part of me that was excited at all of these thoughts-the freaked out part was bigger.  Now i am really getting into it.  I am looking forward, for the most part, to the task that Mastered has set for me, looking forward to showing everyone that is how Mastered wants me to behave and that i am happy not only following his orders but actually happy to be behaving like that in any case, comfortable in my skin and in my mentality.  Well maybe im not THAT ok with it yet but i am getting there!!  Mastered knows what is deep in my mind, where i really want to be, WHAT i really want to be so i just make myself do what he says when i am feeling scared and lost and usually i get to a place where i am happier and more at peace than i thought possible. 

So in an effort to further embrace the pig in me, here are some of the pics that didn't get selected as the profile pic.

 

 

i do take some small comfort in the fact that my ass looks fabulous!!!

November 11 2013

So obviously i haven't been writing a lot lately. i think there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is not everything is an epiphany anymore.  There is not much that i struggle with anymore. i am comfortable with my situation, my status.  So so many things i don't find embarrassing, shameful or degrading. Its just natural behavior, i am sure looking at me and my antics people see me as degraded..and that's good..that means that my whole perception of what is appropriate behavior is skewed to fuck pig, thing, set of holes. But its also bad because the struggle, the change is what was interesting to write about.

Then there is also the huge mental drop after the RL meeting/weekend. Quite frankly i think that is still in play even after a couple of weeks. But that is a blog or two in and of itself. But thinking of what i miss by not having RL regularly also made me think of the things we can do because of the long distance.  There are some things that might be too intrusive or invasive to realistically have in a day to day situation but that i find comforting from a distance. I have talked about this before but in case i didn't get specific: every night i check in via email and on those check ins i send pics of 2 outfits for M to chose from for the next day. Then by the time i wake up in the morning he has sent me his outfit choice plus the writing on my tits. Every morning that is the VERY first thing i see, before i am even out of bed i pull up that email.  A couple of weeks ago i was having problems getting emails from Mastered in the morning, and then i had computer problems so i couldn't send pictures..what all that means is that on and off for several weeks i wasn't able to submit my outfits or get my morning email.  And you know, that really affected me, i felt a little at loose ends with out the anchor of my day. Not to mention deciding what i was wearing on my own. I can see having someone review my outfits every day in person as being a little smothering and maybe a cause for resentment.  But at a distance it is one of the daily rituals that helps me feel under control and connected.

i forget what conversation made me start thinking of it but i would be open to and, i think, embrace accountability on a different level. If i cast my mind back i think that was how i started with this journal, an accounting of my movements everyday. In that vein i have recently become semi-obsessed with the idea of a gps type deal. i know that there are apps (don't get me started on what type of ancient cell phone M has) that can be used as well as physical gps systems.  i like the idea that at anytime M could see exactly where i am.  Maybe he is looking maybe not-i would never know- i would just know that the info is ALWAYS available to him. I cant imagine anything that would make me feel so owned, so under scrutiny than waking up, still bleary, to the phone ringing and Mastereds voice barking "what were you doing at 123 Main street last night at 12, pig?".  Not because he cares so much as to keep me on notice that he knows everything i do. I am not thinking so much permission for this or for that but just that feeling of no privacy, of accountability. M has displayed zero interest in this but it is a good example of the things that being at long distance allows.  So there can be a trade off in this whole RL vs Online thing, i feel like i can actually be waaaaay more submissive, thrive and crave that invasiveness that would overwhelm me if i was also having to be physically available everyday.

So apparently i want to be on a short leash at a long distance.

Mastereds Visit Pictures

Night #1

 

 

 

 

 

Night #2

 

Day #3

(black and blue marks on my cunt from the previous nights beating)

off to see Master

Think i will stand out at the casual hotel bar?

Oct 17, 2013

 

Too excited and nervous to really write anything but i got a kick out of packing up my "supplies" last night. This tub would be terrifying to the normal individual!

 

 

 

Oct 11 2013

Just a quick post from work today because I am feeling especially horny. Mastered has me doing one hour on one hour off with the binder clips for the rest of the day. Love it, love that constant awareness. The writing if you cant read it is "dumb fuck".

October 8, 2013

Ahh the ebbs and flows. i always get secretly worried when the intensity level between Mastered and i gets below, say an, 8. Which i know is stupid, i know that we do every well intensity-wise particularly for our long distance situation and i know that it is impossible to maintain a 10 at all times what with pesky life getting in the way and just general moods. But when we go from a high to a calmer vibe i start to think: have we exhausted our interests, run out of places to go? Of course the answer is no-that's just life. i just woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be an up week and based on how it has started i was right.

Where to begin? Well, i post a lot of pictures both here and on SF and i know there are nameless, faceless masses that have seen me in a variety of compromising positions, nothing about my body is private-but when i think of those masses its more of an abstract concept.  Yes i know they are out there possibly (hopefully) jerking off to me, objectifying me, they are the guys that don't read the blogs, don't care about the context they just want to see tits, cunt and ass. So i get it: i am nothing but a thing to them but i since they are nameless and faceless it is hard to take it personally. Then there are the regular people, members who comment regularly or who i joke with on their pages on SF, i know these people have seen the same pics and i  know that i have nothing that is private from them either but by virtue of those comments or conversations it is hard to feel really truly like an object, i know they know "me". Then there are the guest Masters, they may have (i don't remember if this happened but i don't see why it wouldn't) gotten pictures that Mastered told me to send just to them so they also see my public pics plus maybe something extra. But with them there is also conversation, a interaction on some level that involves me as a person contributing to the dialogue.

 But then there are some people that Mastered mentions occasionally that just talk to him about me -they don't comment on my pics or blogs they don't pm me - i generally have no idea what they and Mastered talk about, i might know a screen name or get a copy of an email but i am not invited to participate, it is not required or relevant or welcomed. When M mentions that he has had one of these convos or sends me an email copy i do feel well and truly like an object, a thing. These aren't people that think my personality is charming or that what i write is interesting, as near as i can tell i am just a thing that is a product of Ms training. This excites me. One of these people that speaks with Mastered lives kind of close by me and has spoken to Mastered about using me. Those 2 talk about it and i read the email exchanges to find out what will happen to me. Its offensive and fabulous.  I am pretty sure this person doesn't read anything i write or visit this blog- i am just a body to him. Today Mastered offered that i would take pictures for him if he was interested. Apparently he was and asked Mastered for open cunt and ass pictures. So this feels different to me than taking my regular pictures, although there are about 100 pictures of my cunt and ass out there these are completely impersonal, sent to someone that does not acknowledge me. i feel like i have to submit them for approval or something. i feel like i am being shown like a horse: you pull up the gums and look at a horses teeth to check for suitability, check their hooves, in my case you open the holes to see if they are acceptable. Clearly it goes without saying although i feel weird and a little violated by this presumption it is making me crazy hot. This is the ideal, a true stranger, a complete lack of verbal participation by me and utterly reduced to a set of holes-no input from me required because..who cares? This feels right. i am a happy pig tonight, put right in my place.

Since the pics are specifically for someone i wont post them here, but honestly do you want to see yet another picture of my cunt or big pighole? lol. But here is something else to keep you entertained:

And lastly to file under the category of slutty behavior. i had some guys in to paint a couple of rooms in my house and all day sunday as they worked this is what i ran around in.  it didn't even occur to me that it was inappropriate until i saw one of them out on sunday night and the hug he gave me was unusually, noticeably more friendly than normal. lol.

October 6, 2013

HI everyone!! It has been a while. For some reason i am just not getting inspired to write. A couple of weeks ago i had a very intense week with Mastered and it was kind of private ( i think i mentioned it in a blog) so i didn't write about it and i think that kind of stumped me-its so odd to not write about everything, and i didn't really know where to go from there-it threw me off my stride blog-wise. But i miss it and i have had things to write about but i just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I also think my difficulty in writing is because of Mastereds upcoming trip to see me. i think i am more nervous than i want to admit. i am the kind of person that it is so important to me to power thru everything, man up and not cave to being nervous-never let 'em see you sweat, that I don't even acknowledge to myself  when i am scared - it just comes out in different behaviors and then after a while i'm like: oh! i see now why i am acting like this. Mastered and i have been together before but to put it in perspective it was 2 months after we met. We were no where near where we are today. it was fabulous but it was only 1 day and it was mainly whipping and fucking not the level of mental intensity we are at now. What if i am not up to it, or if even going as hard and taking as much as i can i disappoint? What if i truly don't like some things, how do i deal with that? AND on top of all that the company i work for was just bought out last week. It seems as though everything will be fine but it was a stressful week. The change also effects how much i can speak with Mastered during the day since i have had to be super on the ball, but it leaves me missing him and not that inspired when i don't get my Mastered time. lol

But during this little break i have had 2 comments that i wanted to answer more thoroughly than normal. First i got this great comment:

"G`day slave J I want to tell you I have followed your life as you open up to "no more hiding" you have become the most beautiful person -- your body and personality is much more open now .
I would like to see some more pics of inside all your holes -- your mouth ,your cunt ,your arsehole and your piss hole if your owner approves
Your master is doing a very good job of training you to be very open for all of us .I hope you remain this open for the rest of your life You give me the feeling that I own a little part of you ."

I have mentioned before that i have this medical fetish thing, and every picture i see on SF with a speculum makes me jealous. i am not sure that is specifically what this commenter meant but the phrasing made me think of wide open holes. So my project this weekend is to buy speculums-vaginal and anal, we shall see where this leads. There is just something about holes held open, not stretched and filled but held open, there is an extreme vulnerability to it. It is also appealing in that it is not how the body is supposed to work-it is abnormal to be open  like that. There are  things called anal rings that you can wear the hold your asshole open-kind of like a hollow anal plug that i am looking at but they are expensive. But that fascinates me-how it would feel to just walk around like that. Too bad there isn't that handy dandy muscle ring in a cunt so that all of these things could happen to a cunt too!

The other comment that i wanted to answer was this:

"Glad to see you are back and thank you to share your slave training / update. Please could you ask Mastered if you can provide an update on your diaper day? You have well explained the feeling but more a documentation of the diaper day e.g. when you buy the pack of diaper, how your store them, at what time you wet them, at what time you change them and picture of you wearing the diapers."

Diaper day still occurs but i had stopped writing about it, kind of on purpose, just because i felt like i was writing about it all the time. i know it is not for everybody but when i think about it there are a couple of things that really make us human beings, grown up human beings. One is speech and that is why i like oink day-it take that humanness away. Yes Mastered may still address me and i still can answer but i am limited to 2 words, essentially. And of course those responses are animal noises. The other thing that is an essential part of awareness and ownership of our own bodies is control of our  bodily functions. So diaper day is also a very powerful for me. To answer some of the specific questions in the comment. Buying the diapers is the WORST part- i don't get the fake baby diapers that you order on line i just get adult diapers at the drug store. So of course they are the last thing that i grab on a shopping trip. i get them at a drug store so i don't have a cart or anything i just carry them to the register and there is no way, no angle that you can hold them that doesn't show you are carrying a big bundle of diapers. i try to stand there as proudly as i can while i am in line- i hope people think i am buying them for my grandmother or something. In line is not so bad because i don't HAVE to look at or acknowledge anyone but at the counter of course the 18 year old kid behind the counter has to pick them up, ring them up and there is ALWAYS the glance directly at me after they realize what they are. So the public buying is a bit difficult. I have thought of ordering online the specialized ones but they are bulkier (on purpose) and would be more evident under my clothes. But since Mastered has incorporated the Daddy/ little girl(ugh) aspect of it i have thought more and more about getting them.  At any rate on diaper days i only piss when Mastered tells me its okay, which he does about every hour and half, i can ask if i have an emergency but that is usually about an automatic 15 minute wait. i haven't ever had to wet myself without permission-Mastered doesn't set me up to fail. I change a couple times a during the day. It would be insanely expensive if i changed every time i pissed so most of the time my diaper is wet to a greater or lesser degree when i am at work. i don't actually mind too much as that is what reminds me of my predicament. The diapers are made now to be as unnoticeable to the wearer as possible now but by the time for a change my diaper is swollen and puffy. i have to remember to hide them deep in the trash when i change at work.  i carry a princess bag (pics in a prior blog) that holds my diapers and wipes for the day and just carry it with me like i do my purse. People at work think i am making an ironic statement about Disney princesses by carrying it around. Mastered has mentioned that he may just put me in diapers 24/7 for a month or so, and just let me go whenever. i have doing some reading and you begin to get un-potty trained if that goes on for a while. Between the diapers, pissing outside and having to piss in my slop bucket here at home my body has already grown confused to a certain extent and i find that i have close calls more frequently. This brings me back to the original thought of this paragraph and that is that you lose a bit of your humanity when you are not in control of your bodily functions. i am conflicted but part of me likes the idea that Mastered would take that privilege from me, its a modification that can be managed in real life so its doable and i like the idea of truly behaving like a pig, an animal and living more instinctively and with less awareness of myself. Diapers are also good for punishment, i am adding a pic that i took for Mastered months ago but was too ashamed to share but i am going to push my self and put it out there. i don't remember what i did to deserve this, if anything, or if Mastered just felt like making me do it.

 

 

i am also adding a pic taken since we incorporated the daddy/little girl aspect, Mastered wanted to see me with a full diaper and a stuffed animal since i am a little girl. i do not like either of these pics but i don't want to get in the habit of hiding things. (i find the heels with the stuffed animal a but schizophrenic but, you know Mastered-heels no matter what, lol)

 

And lastly, something else i have been a little embarrassed to show. Mastered likes to send me GIFs an pics periodically thru out the day and i never know what i will find when i open them. A lot of times it is girls licking assholes, but it could be anything. One oink day Mastered sent me this pic with the caption "for my dumb fucking pig".      i thought this was so cruel. i was a total gut punch when i opened it. But i saved it, in fact made it my screen saver at home so whenever i see it i remember that Mastered sees me as his dumb dirty pig, that is what i am. Ahh i feel a little better, hope you enjoy.

Sept 25, 2013

i'm still here, just haven't had the time to sit down and write anything. But a couple of days ago Mastered said i should go back to some old pictures and see how far i have come, and i say with a straight face they were fond memories. Here are a couple that i really liked either just because i like the pic or because the task was one of my favorites.

Sept 20 2013

I have another in the corner time series, but this one is tougher to stay in position and hurts more. i have no idea what it is in me that causes me to torture MYSELF. Mastered has that fully under control yet once i get an idea for a pic in my head i cant get it out until i do it. Sooooooo...

 

 

 

Looks just like i am kneeling in the corner, right? Maybe a slightly odd tilt to me but that's it.

 

But here is what is going on in front of me:

 

 

(from above)



This actually hurt like hell during filming of this project (lol) and even worse after. Since my tits were pulled up while i was hanging on the wall when i unhooked myself (but kept the clamps on) the change of direction of the pull REALLY hurt (loved it).

Task 36

 

 

North

 

 

 

 

West

 

 

 

 

East

 

 

 

And lastly South, because those tropical storms are unpredictable, sometimes you have to wait for them to come.

 

 



Sept 17, 2013

One of the things that i know will happen during Master visit is corner time, in our case this is not so much a form of punishment but simply to get me out of his way when i am not in use. This sounds awesome and exactly how someone who wants to be treated as an object would want. i am looking forward to it. Completely unnecessary and even a potential nuisance when not being of use as a fuckhole, urinal, whipping target. Can you imagine, to be utterly dismissed as a person, with a simple gesture or a nod, a flick of his hand (that gesture was what got me hooked on Mastered in the first place)? My favorite thought about it is to be happily chatting about something and with absolutely no warning have him send me to the corner, again not because i did anything wrong but just because he is simply done talking to me-i imagine the crestfallen look on my face, hurt that he doesn't want to hang out with ME, that he has become bored with what ever stupid pig thing i am talking about.  So Mastered will be picking a corner for me and when sent to it i will quietly remain face down ass up, holes showing until called.

 Now as i said this SOUNDS like heaven but the reality is after a certain point you just get bored, i have somewhat tested this out and i get antsy pretty quick, sure when it is in real life and he is near me and the possibility of a crop landing on me if i fidget too much might prolong my ability to stay still and complacent in the corner, but as much as we try to rid me of these pesky human behaviors i WILL get antsy. So for my own benefit and also just to send some fun pics to Master, i have been experimenting a little with corner time and oddly it turns out that if something is happening to me, say gigantor nestled snugly in my pighole or my cunt pulled painfully wide by clips attached to my heels it serves to distract me from the time and rather than the pain or discomfort making me count the minutes i actually kind of sink into a BIT more. Now the key to these 2 additions is that the basic position i am in is a resting position so i don't really have to worry about balance or knees hurting or any of that, which i think is an important consideration (but who cares what i think).

 

Sept 12, 2013

I wanted to do a quick update tonight. Its amazing how quickly i can be rejuvenated by just a little quiet time and reflection. Mastered sent me out tonight to get a glass of wine by myself-no friends no craziness.  Just a chance to sit quietly and just reflect on the last couple of days, i thought about what capable hands i find myself in, what an amazing honest strong smart man Mastered is and how he knows how to bring out the best in me. i'm just calm now, peaceful.

And i had a little present i bought myself waiting at the house when i got home. I am trying a new pighole plug. i really don't mind anything about wearing my current one except for that pokey part at the end. i just always feel liker it is going to hurt me, even after all this time and it really is uncomfortable in a bad way. So i decided to finally get off my butt (get it?? get off my butt, har har) and try a new rounded one. It is larger and the reviews say it can be hard to get in specifically because it is not pointy. But in about an hour i will be testing that. Not worried about the size, its still smaller than gigantor so BRING IT.



 

The old is on the left, new on the right.

 

 

Update after trying: Success!!

 

 

 

i am a moron for not doing this sooner!! Went in like a champ!! i am full and stretched but i can move much better and as an added bonus the base is fatter and round so it doesn't fit in my ass crack-makes me more aware of it and in things like leggings i might just be a little worried it would show....oooooo fun!!

Sept 11, 2013

Oh so much has happened in my head this week. i'm going to try to get it out of my head and down on paper so i can stop being hyper-stop the round and round going on in me. Though i would love dearly to feel this way every minute of the day i have to be able to concentrate on other things.

Anyhow as you may have seen from my previous post Monday was not a good day workwise. i was in a rage at work, that might be a BIT of an overstatement but not much.  Then Mastered said something, i don't even remember what now, that also made me angry, angry at him. Sometimes when i have things coming at me in the regular world, poking at me from several directions, getting an order or being chided for something by my Master makes me want to scream "JUST GET OFF ME".  But i swallowed it, i said "yes Sir", "no Sir" and i separated what was happening outside with what is important. Then suddenly i found myself desperate, in a frenzy wanting more of Mastered pushing me, provoking me, more immediate demands on my servitude. i wanted to be immersed, fall into degradation or pain that just simplifies things...maybe that is why the craving becames stronger as my agitation got stronger. i didn't want to escape into submission but i wanted things to be YES or NO. Maybe the connection is that when i am not getting my way in regular life i still have to fight, still have to try to make things happen so during those times there is no certainty. With my submission there is certainty and it is certain that i lose, that i submit, that not only do i not get what i want but what i want is not even a factor. It is not necessarily easier being submissive but at least it is done, its decided, it is clear where i stand. So saying all of that by the end of Monday i was pulled taut like a wire, but open and needy for anything Mastered said, anything he wanted, i myself was fantasizing ways i could show my complete capitulation. i fell asleep thinking, dreaming of pain, humiliation and sex in many extreme ways.

Tuesday i woke up still keyed up, still desperate. Mastered started going after me hard early in the day - in terms of what his goals are for me what he expects me to do, not in a bad way just very...determinedly. i responded by being inspired by his focused attention and still open from the previous day, i was anxious to push and expose myself further and i wound up mentioned something that had been an unofficial limit. Right away Mastered responded positively and you know that sent me into another level! Is there anything that will make you MORE devoted more eager than simple approval???? The rest of the day was spent with Mastered explaining, how i had descended further, come closer to being what i was born to be.  I never purposefully hide anything or lie to Mastered, there are somethings like this "limit" that hadn't come up organically or that i felt wasn't my place to suggest...but now that we have discussed it i see that maybe it was always lurking in the background and i was scared of it because now i feel utterly liberated.  Again i never purposefully hid anything but now i feel like Mastered knows every dark corner of my mind, knows how low i am. i was euphoric on Tuesday but that is also the really really hard part of being ling distance-there is no physical way for me to express my euphoria, the frustration is a physical sensation inside me. Its like my body is empty inside and there is this energy that just bounces around inside me looking for a way to escape. If i could perform an action or even touch Mastered the energy could get out but until i do that it just pinballs around inside of me keeping my body and mind under this luscious stress. But i did find myself crying as i drove later on Tuesday..Mastereds words reverberating in my head: "you are lower than everyone else" and i just wanted to throw myself at his feet, thank him, not just have him hear me say it but see my gratitude in action, gratitude for understanding and accepting everything about me. i think the crying was my body and brain trying to get the energy OUT of me, but it was no release.

Today i was still raw and open, it is the day of the week when i am Daddys little girl and there is no part of me that hates it anymore, i cant hate anything that Mastered wants me to do. i thought i couldn't be more "all in" than i was but somehow magically i am more "all in" today. The words from all week still echoing in my head, the frustrated energy is still rolling thru my body. One touch and i will explode. 33 days and i can explode, and i am not even just taking about orgasm, i am talking about every emotion, every thought expressed with my hands, my mouth, with my body. Feeling the pain, screaming into my gag. Feeling the humiliation offering up my tears. 33, 33, 33, i can do it, i can do it.

To top all of this off tomorrow is oink day so i will have even more pent up energy, just building inside of me. no words, not even that outlet. Every word i hear from Mastered will fill me with more buzzing energy.

And lastly - for your viewing pleasure. Mastered had mentioned that he like to see gigantor shoved in my ass, he used the word "undignified". i made him a quick video of me working with gigantor to get my ass fist ready and then another of me crawling in an undignified fashion. i think Mastered enjoyed them i hope you do too.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In an odd juxtaposition the angrier and more attitudinal i am in regular life the more i want, proportionately, to be degraded, beaten and otherwise shown my place.

Sept 8 2013-2

So i am having some major and minor freakouts about Mastereds visit. Just to give the specifics i will meet him Thursday after work and we will be together until Sunday morning. First of all i am mainly freaking out just about being in the physical presence of someone, anyone for that long at a stretch. i just don't do that, remember-me: only child, not married, no kids. i have only ever shared a bathroom with my parents and that was when i was, like, 10. When i vacation i don't share rooms and i always make sure there are several hours during the day where i am alone. So, yeah, kind of freaking out. Its not about the privacy, i am pretty sure i already have my mind wrapped around the lack of it, its more about ..i don't know..awkwardness. Things like i don't get ready around anyone now and i have weird/stupid things (as do we all) that i have to do like when i get out of the shower i cant move too fast or i get hot then my hair gets frizzy or i can only sleep on my right side or i have to sleep with my feet out of the covers. lol, i know all you marrieds don't think those are big deals but to me it is totally utterly foreign to do all those things with someone around, more over someone who will be telling me what to do. Its the in-between times where normally i would get bored and go home (or kick someone out, lol) that make me uncomfortable.

i am also freaking out about the total immersion but in a more fun way. Of course i have done overnight "sessions" before but nothing this long or quite frankly at the level that Mastered an i have come to. i am anticipating very little "down time" when we wont be in our roles or reinforcing the training i have had so far. Today Mastered said that there would be NO back talking from me while we are together and i expected that-i also fully expect to fuck up. But in a weird way i am looking forward to being able to be instantly corrected. Its RELATIVELY easy for me to hold my tongue when he cant see my face or when i can pause and take a deep breath, i get that second to think before i respond to something-which really is almost like cheating.  i am looking forward to being instantly corrected so that i don't have to take that second to think, so that i get to a place where my "sub brain" takes over and just reacts properly. Other things that i think will present a significant challenge to me are public behaviors that Mastered will insist upon-GOD! if you guys only knew how take charge i am, even (especially) on dates, i actually become more assertive if you put me around a regular man-I (caps on purpose) talk to the hostess at a restaurant, I decide where we sit, I I I I. And then things like being able to say Daddy out loud without making a face. Its these small things that will be the toughest-not the big ticket items like pain or loss of privacy (she says now, lol). It probably goes without saying there is no possible way that i could do this every day forever but i think 2.5 days is doable and i hope to learn so much from it. i want to be different after, go to a place in my head i have never been. Yet i don't want to put to much expectation on the situation.  AAAAARRRRRGGGGG so many thoughts. But, you know, in all honesty i have so much trust in Mastereds  judgement, how he knows when to push and when to hold off, how realistic he is in his expectations, i know he wants me to succeed and i believe with my whole heart he will handle these days perfectly to get the results, the fun, the satisfaction we both want in our different ways. Really all this worrying and hand wringing is just mental masturbation on my part.


But i do want to know, will i get my private shower time?