January 30 2013

i am tired from staying up too late last night (it is tough being a night owl in this early bird world!) but there were some interesting things that happened today that i want to make sure to get down so i can remember how i felt.

First of all, of course, my outfits:

And since we have a theme on Wednesdays i guess it was appropriate that i started my day with this:

Today was diaper day and i wait for Master to tell me when i am allowed to piss in my diaper. i told him that i had a training to conduct at 10 today so he told me to piss myself at 9:59.  It is hard to take yourself seriously when you are sitting in a wet diaper.  i have to admit i do love Master controlling me like this even when he does it in a mean way like that.  i am not sure if i mentioned before but when i have to go and he hasn't given me permission for a while i have to oink to him to let him know i have a situation.  i like getting slightly panicky, worrying if he will pay attention to me.

On another, somewhat sadistic note, Master sent me to icyhot my clit on one of my diaper changes.  i have mentioned before that the heat intensifies when it is trapped (say in a big bulky diaper) and what i totally didn't think about as i slathered my clit was that all of the skin was rubbed raw yesterday by my rope g-string.  i almost fainted, my vision closed in a little and i broke out in a sweat.  It was one of those moments when you just have to breathe thru it.  That was probably the most intense pain i have felt inside my cunt, on my clit since i started my training.  After a little it did calm down but i was, literally, waddling back to my desk.  Imagine trying to walk with your legs as open as possible-not elegant or dignified. Whew that was a tough one, but i am glad i know i can take it.  Something else came over me today as i was walking around in a tight skirt and my diaper (poor outfit choices on my part) i was kind of thinking that i don't care if it can be seen thru my skirt...i am proud, now, of what i do, of entertaining Master.  Now this is a dangerous attitude in some respects because i cant get too lackadaisical about all of this, but my point is that this is really sinking into my brain, changing my priorities..i was like "yeah bitches i wear diapers on Wednesday-it amuses my owner, what of it??" lol

i mentioned this to Master and of course he was not shocked, he just told me that is because i am a pig now.  That brought us to the next significant part of the day for me.  Master then told me to find a cartoon picture of a pig and make it my back round on my computer screen on my work computer and my home computer.  With my logical mind i know no one will know why i have that up other than it is a cute piggy pic but irrationally i felt like it is advertising to every one that i am a pig.  But i went with it and grabbed the first cute pic i found.  This is what i look at on my DOUBLE monitor at work all day:

It really does have an effect on me-first i am constantly embarrassed because, as i said, irrationally i feel like everyone can figure it out and second whenever i see it i have no choice but to think that it is there because Master is making me a pig.  i pretty much kept my screen covered by open applications so i didn't get overwhelmed by it.  But then Master came back and said "you are now identified as a PIG, that is your WHOLE THEME from now on...start getting little pig things for your room, go to the mall and get a workout shirt with the pig on it" and "Everything PIGGY..." and "You can even start looking for piggy coffee cups for work" and "Be happy that this is what makes me happy pig, you are my special slut/pig".  This was one of those times when my breathe just got taken away, i got sad for a little while.  i know it sounds silly for this to bother me but it looks like this is what i will be for Master and everywhere i turn i will be reminding myself of it.  i think part of what bothers me is that it is bad enough to know that this is what i want but for Master to turn it into almost a joke to rub my face in it is demoralizing (of course his disdain and belittlement of me was making me crazy wet too)  That means,of course, i am just going to take it and i have to look that fact  right in the face too:  i will do it, Master will chuckle and hopefully every day i will be less and less me and more and more Masters pig.  i wonder if any of this makes sense to any one.  

Because i am a good pig i jumped on line and quick bought a new work out shirt so i will be going public, as it were, during my workouts:

Just to add a layer of complication to this i just found out someone i know and care about is following my journal,  i gave away too many clues apparently and he figured it out..so shit just got real. Still processing how i feel about that...may write about it this weekend.