January 14 2013

Monday, ugh. sick with the flu and too busy at work to call in. BUT, huge BUT..today started off great because Master picked the outfit i wanted.....the one with my fabulous new red shoes:

But, sad face, no slut label this morning. I don't know if that is a permanent state of affairs or just today, i guess i will find out tmro.

okay, i have known for a couple of hours what i am writing about tonight: my new profile picture on SF.  I loathe it, with every fiber of my being i hate that picture. I think it is unfeminine, i feel like a hulking monster in it.

Here is the honest 100% truth about why this bothers me sooooo much.  It was a hard adjustment coming to terms with the fact that my vanilla strengths are valueless in my current situation, that being witty, smart and interesting didn't really count for me anymore. Out in the world, i count on my charisma to attract people and get what i want. i am quite arrogant and i think i have good reason.  But when i entered this world everything that i look to to validate my feelings of arrogance became irrelevant. Mastered took very little time in driving that point home.  One thing really stands out that he did to teach me my personality was of very little import to him and in fact was counter productive to pleasing him - one day  i was flippant ( a charming trademark of mine in regular life) once too often.  i have to say that was probably the angriest i have known him to be and that day he forbade me from making any jokes at all, no "lols", no teasing, nothing.  I almost quit that day. No joking - are you serious? so i am just supposed to be this personality-less thing with no sense of humor?? Well yes-that is exactly what i am supposed to be. I am glad he did that now, in my own way i was trying to minimize again, diminish the process so i could still feel good about myself in conventional terms. (he has eased off on the joking and as long as i know my place i can tease A LITTLE bit).

Over the months i have come to accept that my value is based on my ability to please Mastered, to please men in general and that is probably why i have thrown myself into being as expressive in pictures as i possibly can-because men are responding positively to them.  i accept that my value is as a sexual object, a thing, holes . But it is in human nature to want to feel good about yourself, to feel like you have worth in whatever system of values you find yourself in.  So lo and behold i began to be proud of my pics....you see where this is going right? In some pic series Master may pick some that aren't my first choice but there will always be one or two that i look at, like, "damn i'm hot" and smile.  Arrogance is a hard trait to eradicate. So in this alternate value system i had still found a way to feel a strong sense of self worth. I would log on and see my "pretty" profile pic and feel good.  THEN Sunday Master, oh so casually, said he liked the bondage mask one and we should change my profile pic for a while. i honestly thought of ignoring the email and seeing if he would forget because it was such an off the cuff remark, but obviously i did change it. Now my profile does not reflect how i would like to be perceived and that bothers me. My profile reflects how Mastered likes me to be perceived-which is absolutely as it should be. Since Sunday every time i log on i am confronted with absolute proof that what i think of myself is meaningless, that i am what Mastered wants me to be, i am not what i had started to think of as "my image".

Until this afternoon Mastered had no idea that i was upset about the picture change, unless he could tell from the fact i hadn't mentioned it. Today when i did say something it was just to say i did not like it-not to ask to change it back.  Even as i expressed my distaste for the picture and secretly hoped he would change it back, i understood suddenly the value of keeping it up, of having to log in and see myself like that, to be embarrassed every time i look at it, to embrace that knot in my stomach when i look at it, the feeling of powerlessness it provokes and know that i have no say over it-i voluntarily gave up that say because i want, really want, to be a blank slate that Master can  mold into the lowest basest slut possible. Maybe i will get there some day..

As a side note: I commented on a story Master of Sluts wrote a while ago and said basically that  as a woman i feel like - do what you want to me but please let me look sexy while you do it. Aint that a bitch?