January 17 2013

Wow a lot has been going on in my head lately. i am going to try to get it out and writen down here but please bear with me if i am kind of all over the place.

This is a terrificly stressful time of the year in my industry, crazy busy, constant deadlines and when everyone else is celebrating the holidays i am working and rushing around to fit everyting in. i have also been pretty sick for the last week and i am not a good patient. i have been off schedule since before christmas with Mastered and my current work schedule is still wreaking havoc with our interactions. So i have been feeling very whiney, very woe is me.   Looking back on my last couple of journals i bitched about my profile pic and i, in a slightly veiled way, questioned Mastereds plans to share me.  Secretly i even thought of quitting, telling Mastered i cant do it.

Part of me felt very resentful because i felt like Mastered should see that i am struggling with something and he should be helping me.  Having gone thru somewhat of a break thru in the past couple of days i can see now (and i have known in the past but clearly forgot) that what Mastered does is let me work these things out for myself.  To be spoon fed answers or platitudes wont work for me. i have to own my realizations.  Dont get me wrong on the 2 occasions i actually needed to speak to Master about a problem he addressed it immeadiately and directly but if i am just kind of hinting that something is going on he stays pretty distant. I think what i had been struggling with is that i got very comfortable in my current role and as i alluded to in my proflie pic journal, i started to think that this was about me and while i am part of the equation, i lost sight of the fact that i am here to serve. So i started to chaff at my boundaries, starting to think i knew better. There were also alot of things that Mastered has planned for me that became a little over whelming- the sharing, the piercing and now a chasitity belt until i can get the piercing.  i think that because the sharing and the piercing were kind of off in the future i was able to deal but then when he brought up the chasitity belt as something that would be happening more immediately i started to freak out about the level of commitment this situation  is demanding of me.  So all of this chaos was swirling around in my head.  But into this storm 2 comments came and resuced me.

My friend NosySandy made the comment that she likes the dehumanization of my profile pic and she finds it sexier the more interesting the personality of the person suffering the dehumanization is. i am paraphrasing her and i hope i captured her sentiment correctly. Her comment kind of brought it back into focus that the point is to lose myself, not just in the throws of the tasks but in general. The vanilla me has to take charge, has to carry the weight but i am with Mastered to let go of all of that-i dont need to be this personality here or with him, i just have to allow my brain the freedom to just obey, that is all i have to do.  He is very clear about what pleases him and that is just doing what he says-it is simple and i need to value that instead of getting my ego all twisted up in it.

Then BossMaster said this: "To simplify the entire issue to one idea, the way I look at it is -- a slave is only really submitting if it is something she hates. If you like it...such as having tits clipped, then it isn't a test of your willingness to submit to your Owner's wishes."  
So beautifully simple, again, it made me realize i had in my hubris started to think of my comfort, wishes and desires as important.  When the only desire i have that rates is pleasing Mastered. This comment snapped me back from my wallowing, self indulgent thoughts.

Two women also went out of their way to help me by describing their situations and their selflessness inspired me to, again, drop my own concerns and refocus on my purpose. Thank you Amber and Kim.

Last night Mastered let me fuck both of my dildos, he didn't put any conditions on it other than i was to send him pics.  But i found myself going to my bag of tricks and pulling out my mask and putting it on and embracing it-that this is how Master wants me so that is how i should want to be. i feel re-focused and recommited.  i don't know if Mastered knew that i was having a "moment" the past couple of weeks or not.  But i believe he did and trusted that i would work it out...and look at that--i did. (with a little help from my friends)

Now to a slightly more fun topic...what have i been up to the past couple of days? Well looks like Master is really all about making me his pig and it feels right.  i now have a pig tail, my back yard is my pig pen and the past couple of nights Master has sent me out to my pig pen to piss. Tonight i go out with my mask on and my tail plug in.  Its a good thing that i moved past my fear of losing my self of being dehumanized, huh?

i am attaching a slide show with audio.  In the pics i am showing off my new piggy tail. The accompanying audio is from last night while i  rode both of my large dildos, both holes wonderfully filled and i was allowed to cum. There are oinks, snorts and squeals as i cum for the first time since i saw Mastered. i was having a fabulous time embracing my true nature. I am Mastereds pig.